Phew, this is a tough topic. It's stirred up many emotions in me, which will have to settle somewhat before I can write anything other than 'Well done Alice for regaining your own life'.
COUNTRY, CITY, AREA, PLACE -Game 21
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The power of coercive control
Domestic abuse legislation broadened in the last days of 2015 to include coercive control - and guard against it. Author Alice Keale describes her two year ordeal at the hands of the person who was supposed to care about her most.
*Author not pictured
- 1 in 4 four women will experience domestic abuse during their lifetime.
- Approximately two women are killed by their partners or ex-partners every week in England and Wales.
- There are, on average, 35 assaults before a victim calls the police.
- The latest figures from the Office for National Statistics show that 1 in 10 recorded crimes is domestic abuse.
Domestic abuse is a huge problem, affecting a staggering 2 million people in the UK. It is a subject that has recently been brought to the forefront of both the political and news agendas, and on 29 December 2015, a new criminal offence of domestic abuse, 'coercive and controlling behaviour', came into force. But despite the vast scale of the problem, it is still a largely invisible crime that takes place behind closed doors and is perpetrated against women - and men - who, for one reason or another, are too afraid to report the crime to the police.
That was certainly the case for me. Like most other women, I imagine, I thought it could never happen to me. I believed I was too sensible to become the victim of a bully, and in any case, my loving family and friends would never allow me to get myself into such a situation. But my own experience has taught me a very harsh lesson - that it can happen to anyone and that when it does, it is incredibly isolating, debilitating, depressing and can be potentially life-threatening.
Almost six years ago, I met someone at work who was charming, intelligent and handsome. Within a matter of months, the 'love of my life' had transformed into a monstrous abuser who tormented me both physically and emotionally for the next year and half, until, thankfully, the relationship ended. His abuse not only left me severely traumatised, but also resulted in me losing my career, my home and all my money. As a result, I have spent the last four years painstakingly attempting to rebuild my life.
I had to answer questions while hooked up to a lie detector, and often had to endure being locked outside at night until the early hours of the morning, wearing nothing but my underwear.
For me, violence and emotional abuse began very quickly. Within a matter of weeks of meeting my 'perfect boyfriend', I felt trapped, in fear of my life and unable to escape. The first five weeks of the relationship had been a storybook whirlwind romance, full of grand loving gestures and plans for the future we were going to have together. Suddenly, I found myself sleep deprived – kept awake for most nights by a barrage of questions about my past, subjected daily to acts of violence, whilst being told that it was all my fault and that I had to make him better.
I continuously had to prove my love to him by meeting his outrageous demands. I had to answer questions while hooked up to a lie detector, and often had to endure being locked outside at night until the early hours of the morning, wearing nothing but my underwear. In addition, I had to spend all my savings on taking him away for holidays to exotic locations – holidays that should have been trips of a lifetime, but that became more painful memories of physical and emotional torment.
The speed with which the abuse began and escalated, as well as the 'methods' he employed to bully and coerce me, made me feel trapped – even though, in reality, I had countless opportunities to escape. He very cleverly and quickly isolated me from all my family and friends, so that I had no contact with anyone who could have helped me. Then he stopped me working, and soon I had no money and no home of my own.
Continual sleep deprivation, constant questioning and repeated violence wore me down so that I began to doubt myself and to believe his lies – that I had turned this 'perfect man' into a violent abuser and that it was my responsibility to fix him.
The power of controlling, coercive and emotional abuse is often underestimated. It certainly had a frightening hold over me, to the extent that I was almost brainwashed into believing that I had no way out of the horrific nightmare I was living.
Throughout the relationship and afterwards, my family and close friends were incredible. They never gave up on me, trying numerous times to intervene, even involving the police, and I know I wouldn't be where I am today without their continued love and support. Despite their attempts, however, it took me almost two years to be free of him and his abuse. In fact, inconceivable as it may seem, I didn't ever find the strength to walk away from him and I might still be living the same nightmare today if he hadn't told me to leave.
So although I can appreciate why many people can't understand why anyone wouldn't walk away from domestic abuse, I know from my own experience that, presumably for psychological reasons, doing so isn't as simple as it might sound. For some people, the reason might be financial, because they have dependent children and nowhere else to go if they leave the family home. For some, it's the fear of violence. For me, it was, at least partly, guilt because I thought I was somehow responsible for my partner's transformation from loving, perfect boyfriend, to violent bully.
Even now, when I am slowly beginning to get back to a sense of normality again, there are still moments when all the doubts return and I have to remind myself that I did not create the 'monster' that my partner truly was. Such is the power of coercive control.
If You Love Me by Alice Keale with Jane Smith is published by Harper Element and is available from Amazon.
By Alice Keale
Twitter: @HarperNonFic
Men were mentioned in 2nd para florentina51 .
Not easy to write about Alice. I hope your book helps others. 
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