baby shower

No, I think that you should decide yourself what you should be called , and stick to it. That's what we did, and it means that one set of DGC have 2 sets of grandparents with the same names. They sorted it out at very early ages!

Angel: Honestly, the grandchildren should decide. Do you have existing grandchildren, and if so, what do they call you?

By the time the baptism celebration is done, she/they will have had 6 parties! Anyway, it is what it is. I love her regardless.
Changing the topic: who makes the decision what grandparents will be called by their grandchildren? My son wants me to be called Oma to follow his Oma's footsteps, who passed away a while ago. Even though she was phenomenal with her grandchildren, she was absolutely ruthless to me before I gave birth to the first grandchild. Even after that, I was the recipient of many painful stabs. Anyway, to make a long story shorter, I don't want to be called "Oma". He doesn't want me to be called Grandma (my mom) because, and I have no idea why, he doesn't have a lot of respect for her. But that name rolls off my tongue much easier. So I thought of a compromise: Gramama. Any input?

I'm a bit over the wisdom of ANY shower/sip n see for a premie baby who is just passing their due date. I would be mortally afraid, if it was my premie baby, of them picking up a cold or other virus from a large bunch of visitors. Bronchiolitis is no laughing matter, especially for someone whose little lungs were not finished when they came into the world.

But I guess your son and DIL have already made that decision.

At work if a team member was leaving to have a baby we would have a special lunch celebration and all co workers would put a gift into a box. There was a price limit..the idea was to provide small essential like nappy pins, baby oil, cotton wool etc! Some might knit a pair of bootees or a bonnet... it was a different world and a different time!

And then people wonder why there are rifts in families. Please go to your DIl's who knows you might enjoy yourself. The birth of a child should bring families together. Invite her mother to your home. Stop making excuses.

A ‘due date’ shower never heard anything so daft the babies already here or have I read this all wrong
Thank the good lord none of thIs was around when I had babies and thankfully none of my children were caught up in thIs materialism

I am so glad I live this side of the pond where the bridal/baby showers have not taken over. Neither DH and I, nor DS and DDiL even bothered with stag/hen nights.

The wedding and christening/naming ceremony are quite sufficient.

I agree with Jalima you don't have to become bosom buddies with your daughter in law's mother, some times its best just to grin and bear it.

Personally (and this is only my view and not advice Angel) I think this is becoming a mountain made out of a molehill. You may not be keen on your DD's parents but they are the other grandparents to your DGC - and surely it wouldn't hurt to go just for an hour, be pleasant, then make your excuses and go. You don't have to invite them all back to your house, just perhaps the immediate family and Keeping Smiling .

You don't have to become best friends but maintain a civil relationship.

Like grannyactivist, my DIL's mum has become a treasured friend.

Maggiemaybe
I have been to weddings with gift displays. Toasters, ironing boards and towels!
At least it would have avoided the dreadful mistakes I made in thanking people for the wrong gift.

We had a wedding present display - it was the done thing round here (Yorkshire) in the 70s. I’m not sure why, as we didn’t have anything impressive to display (think laundry baskets and tea towel sets), but most of our wedding guests dutifully traipsed round them on our spare room.

Urmstongran hear hear!
We didn't have wedding present displays either. Is it in lieu of a Christening perhaps? Marking the entry into the world but somehow missing the point so it's more about the biggest or most original gift and less about the precious new baby.
We have been to a couple of naming ceremonies, one conducted in a Register office and both followed by a nice all age party.

I'd go, since it would seem churlish not to. You don't have to stay long. I'd take a small present, too.

You dil will probably be inundated with small-baby things. I'd take a board book for later - Peepo! and Each Peach Pear Plum are lovely ones that have gone down very well with little ones in this family.

*substantial! We didn't buy them "substances"

Yes they've started here in Australia tooUrmonstangran
Everything seems to end up americanised.
Fortunately neither of my daughters wanted one, even though one had a friend who kept banging on about it.
We parents made gifts and contributions to the substance purchases, as we all do if we can afford to. My eldest daughter, heavy and nauseous, made the point "why on earth would I want to go to a party feeling like this"?!

I’ve heard of baby showers. I think the trend started in America. I’ve never been to one nor heard of anyone I know hosting or going to one.
I don’t think we’re missing anything.

It's hard when gifts and efforts and acknowledged, isn't it? And I agree, the trend now is to "expect" so much. We never had elaborate baby showers, or hen nights running into expensive weekends (or longer! That's another topic) But this is now the fashion and I guess you have to bite your tongue, go for DILs sake, stay for a short a time as you politely can, and hope you meet someone you can chat to other than the other grandmother! Other relatives could be nice people.
And then you can plan your "sip and see" which I'm sure will be lovely. And if you invite DILs mother out of good manners, there'll be so many of your own folk there, she'll just be one of many faces and you needn't stress

I appreciate all your feedback and valid points. And, I have accepted the invite after reading your feedbacks. But, I have met, held, cuddled, fed our little GS, so going there is only a formality that serves no purpose as we, her parents and us, have already celebrated our GS's homecoming 3 weeks ago.

My DIL and I get along very well. She has lived with us and joined us on many vacations. She is a wonderful mom and never seizes to amaze me!

And she isn't really the problem. My husband and I know her parents well, too, and, let's just say, in order for us to maintain an amicable relationship it's best if we keep our distance from them. I know she does not do them intentional, but, unfortunately can be quite domineering and condescending at the same time. It's virtually impossible to have a conversation with my DIL without her mom speaking on her behalf. Which exactly why I prefer not having her around when I host something for my son and his wife.
Here is another concern. I am old school, as are my friends and family members. We still have the believe that wedding/baby showers are a gift that's bestowed on them and a privilege and not a must/expectation. And we really struggle with the new trend of new parents/parents-to-be planning and organizing their own showers, telling people what to bring, and not bothering with "thank you" cards (for which I still embarrassed about that my son and her never sent out any thank you cards for the bridal shower--which I hosted--and wedding gifts). As soon as my DIL was pregnant, she started telling everyone how many showers she going to have/plan, who is going to give her a baby shower, etc. I was part of that picture and felt like I didn't have a choice. I was never asked. It just seemed to be expected of me. So instead, my family pooled together and bought them some of the more expensive necessities on their registries and gave those to the couple at Christmas when we were all together in lieu of an actual shower, which is what we told them.

Since then, many of our close family friends, whom my son grew up with, have passed on gifts through me to the couple, while they were in the hospital, to help them out. It is for that reason why I'm planning on hosting and paying for a "sip 'n see" (aka meet 'n greet) because they haven't had a chance meet our little GS yet and are dying to. That is why I don't really see a reason to have to invite her mom.

How do I turn down the invitation politely without offending my DIL and her mom and what do I say? ...... And how to I explain to my DIL that I prefer only inviting my side of the family without her mom?

The answer to both questions is, you can't! It would be rude.

Please take the opportunity to show solidarity and get to know your daughter-in-law's family a little better, you may be pleasantly surprised. My own daughter-in-law's mother has become a treasured friend and attending the baby shower she hosted for her daughter was an absolute joy.

My daughter-in-law and her mother kindly invited me to a "due date shower" for her preemie baby that came home a few weeks ago.
Is this not your son's baby too?

I barely know anyone
This is your chance to meet them.
A chance for both grandmas and both sides of the family to get together.

Go for a short time at least. .

Sorry, but this all seems rather odd to me, unless you live a long distance from each other.

Go for a short time, as others have suggested.

You risk causing offence if you don't attend and I don't think you can tell your DIL that you don't wish her mother to attend your event without upsetting your DIL.

Life’s too short to turn down invitations. I’d go, take another small gift, enjoy it, and invite her mum to your do. You might make a new friend, who knows.

Good answeŕ PECS . You should go for a short time. You never know, it could be really nice and you may enjoy it. What's not to like when you have a new life to celebrate.
I've never been to a baby shower. It's not something I know about but cake and a glass of prosecco sounds acceptable.

Just go for a short time! You could claim an appointment or pre arranged meet up with a pal etc that means you cannot get there until later / have to leave early but say you would love to pop in, even for a short time! Take a little book of fairy tales or similar with a lovely inscription from you, It does not have to be expensive.

Not worth causing family rifts over small things!

Whether we like it or not when our children marry / have children our families become linked. We do not have to become best friends but we do need to make compromises and effort to create a harmonious family for the new child who has no choice about the families they are born into!