Looking for some advice on situation with my DD

the most important thing in our life

very self centred

Forgive me if I haven't got the quotes from your op exactly right, but I'm sure you will understand my point!

I don't agree that one should be friends with one's child. By being their friend you are saying to a child that they are your equal and that they have the same power as you. With the best will in the world, that's not possible. A child isn't responsible for putting a roof over their head nor food on the table the same as you wouldn't take a friend to task if they were late for work!

Even if that were the case, it's unfair to load adult responsibilities onto a child. They don't need to know about your troubles or worries, it stops them from living their life of being a child.

You're over thinking it.

I agree you need primarily to be a parent and not a friend.

I read it was important to try to praise teenagers 3 times as much as you criticise them!

Twelve! Some cliches but ...... now “a mother’s place is in the wrong”, “love is a one way street for a few years”.
Remember you can still love her but not like her behaviour. You will come out the other side. I remember having curfew problems and intentionally stayed out at the supermarket for an hour longer than expected - my phone rang incessantly. When I got home, they were so upset and worried - at 7 pm! - I said “now you know how I feel. Sometimes a little reverse psychology works. Keep your cool, keep reasonable boundaries ?, check those with her friends’ mums, and keep on loving but not smothering her. Start giving her responsibilities too - a house key, making a meal, earning money for agreed extra chores. Good luck.

I agree with Elvive and SueDomin that you are a parent not their best friend. I feel so sad when parents off load their troubles on to their children. I've seen loads of that on tv programmes and such a shame.
Coming back to teenagers from hell, I had one too. Had a mouth as big as a barn door. If I said something was white, she'd say it was black. The doors used to vibrate with the bass on her upstairs Hi-Fi. I'd go up and turn it down and then she'd turn it back up. She was in a group of school friends who were just the same. Mums used to knock my door, A..'s done this and done that. The group broke into the youth club hall, shoplifted, got arrested for drunk and disorderly, got expelled from school just 3 weeks before she would have left anyway. Plus a whole lot more. I was divorced but I do know she wouldn't have dared to behave like that had her dad had been here. I wouldn't go through those years again for a million pounds! Here's the positive, she finally left home and guess what, I'm so proud of her!. She has a well paid job, buying her own home which is a nearly new build and gorgeous. So tidy ( I used to pick everything up for her because I couldn't stand the mess, wet towels left on the bed, hairdryer, clothes etc. Times I used to threaten to throw them out of the window.) I should have! Getting back to the point, She owns her own car, goes abroad every year on holiday. We go shopping together.Spoils me at birthdays and Christmas although I tell her not to. We are very much alike in that we both like to be boss and independent women and clashed when she lived at home. She still has a gentle telling off sometimes. When living at home I used to tell her that for as long as she lived in my house then she abides by my rules and when she got a house of her own she could do what she wants. She still rebelled!
It will all work out Campaspe. You will get your daughter back again. Let her learn by her own mistakes within reason because no matter how many times you advise them what to do. They will always do it their way. Good luck in putting up with the terrible teens.

Well I was the teenager from hell! (as my mother never ceased to remind me). It probably is hormonal and if she has started try monitoring her menstrual cycle. You may find her mood swings coincide with certain weeks. It took me a long time to realise that. Otherwise just hang on in and do your best and perhaps stop worrying too much about the future and enjoy the day. You could try taking up yoga or Tai-chi to help you personally.

Just hold on and she will emerge from 'the tunnel' in 8-10 years.

I remember having awful times with my daughter at that age, and thought that as it may have been because I am an older mother.

When she was away I thought I'd go into her bedroom and have a very careful 'snoop'.

I was so sad to find a school project where they had written a letter to themselves in the future .... and she'd said when she grew up she hoped to be nothing like her Mum! I really cried.

Lesson learnt. I never snooped again, tried to weather all the storms in a fair and consistent way, and happily a few years later our relationship changed.

I had sons, so can't add much to what's been said already re daughters. I hope you'll find you can take heart from many of the posts on here.

Luckygirl I take your point about the bedrooms (I too had 3 DD!) but it’s hard when every towel in the house and most of the cups end up in their bedrooms?

I agree about giving teenagers responsibilities. We gave in to my eldest daughter's pleas for a pony when she was 13, on condition that she alone took care of said pony. Every day before and after school she cycled to the farm where the pony was stabled and all weekends were spent in horse related activities, very little angst from her but my younger daughter was not interested in horses, a very different story there.

My DD was a moo from 13 to 15, then my angel returned ! She is now going thro this with her son and tries to make light of it as much as she can. She has shown him the old Harry Enfield clips and he howled with laughter, so now when he comes down in the morning she asks “ and who do we have here today is it ...... or is it “Kevin the teenager”. It usually makes him laugh ! However, she does let him know that any bad behaviour always has consequences, lack of electronics, pocket money etc So I think it’s all about a bit of balance and riding the storm ! Good luck.

Yes, key words are cosseting and mourning. Why mourn?
You can’t preserve her in aspic! Just enjoy the next phase with her. Recognise her growing maturity by giving her some responsibility, even if it’s only cleaning her own room. She needs to learn to stand on her own feet and please don’t pressure her with your academic expectations. It will all be fine in the end!

chimpmanagement.com/books-by-professor-steve-peters/the-silent-guides/
These are great books for understanding our own minds - and those of children. They may help!

Menopausal and dealing with teenage hormones - wow - I really feel for you . I’m menopausal now but my children are past the teenage stage thankfully . Basically oestrogen is playing havoc with both of you . She’s getting a massive influx while yours is depleting . Are you on HRT ? That could help you feel more like your normal self and help you cope better . Having been a naughty teenager , had 3 of my own and spent my career teaching teenagers , the one thing I would urge you to do above all else is to communicate . Always make sure you know where you daughter is . Don’t sweat the small stuff . Don’t go into her room - it’s her only real territory and personal space . Don’t worry about her appearance - teenagers need to express their identity . But don’t let her be rude or disrespectful. Treat her with respect and expect the same back . She will come through it and you will all be ok .

Stop worrying so much about your daughter. We spend their childhood teaching them to be good independent citizens and when they exert their independence we don’t like it! Hopefully the care you have given her over the years will stand her in good stead for the future when as other posters have said she stops testing the boundaries in a few years time.
You ask what you can do- only set boundaries which actually impact on her safety, an untidy room for example won’t harm her. Start looking after yourself. Impress your daughter by getting fitter, losing weight, dressing well etc, it will pay dividends with how tired you are and your daughter will admire what you have achieved. (Even if she doesn’t admit it)

It was easier in the olden days (and I am talking about before even I was a teenager) when strict protocols of behaviour dictated that people spoke to each other in a particular way and children obeyed parents regardless of how tetchy they may be feeling inside. Nowadays self-expression is encouraged, and if the "self" is feeling in an ugly mood, then it's ugliness that gets expressed. I do wonder whether some slight return to self-regulation in personal interactions wouldn't go amiss.

Stay friends through thick and thin. Arguments just drive relationships apart for years. It will pass, my daughter is 19 now and she’s my best buddy, fashion guru and all time source of laughter. We've just learnt when to back off from each other or when to step up the support needed. Try not to be too serious with DD as that turns them away and let her good grounding that you’ve already given her grow further with your (not so obvious) support. Please don’t forget about your own self in the process. ❤️

Remembering what I was like, I can understand the problems you are having and like others, the word "cosseted" makes me think that it's time for you to take a step back and release the strings, but just let her know you are there.
You can't expect your 12 year old to be the same as a 7 year old. Being a teenager is all about finding your own space and how you go about things but on your own terms.
Please also give her a bit of breathing space as far as your academic expectations are concerned - I followed my brother into the same senior school and as far as my mother was concerned, I was expected to take the same subjects, get the same grades etc. By the time I was 16, I was so sick and tired of being nagged at school and nagged at home , with no time off from studying, that I thought"stuff it" and didn't do very well at my exams at all and was never allowed to forget it by my mother until her dying day!
PS teen boys are so much easier - they just shut themselves in their room and come out fairly normal at 18!!!

It passes...just ride the storm.

As hard as it is I think you just have to ride the storm and the good grounding that you gave her comes through in the end,

I did not have a daughter but have many friends who do, one in particular who was an absolute nightmare, She would run away from home, caught for shop lifting , even cried RAPE! you name it she did it, She turned herself around and has two teenage children of her own.

I have two sons the eldest gave us more trouble after he was twenty one than he ever did in his teenage years.

Lots of good device about your daughter but what about you? When you feel better, you will find it easier to deal with the teenage ups and downs. Perhaps consider altering your diet, increasing your exercise, and taking one or two supplements to help you through this stage.

Oh Gawd, I feel your pain, though thankfully it’s all many years behind me now! I was a teenager from hell, and the apple that was DD1 didn’t fall far from the tree. Luckily, her younger sister sailed through her teens and stayed the sweet and sunny girl she always has been - once she’d got past being the baby from hell instead.

You’ll get through it, OP, and come out the other side with a huge sigh of relief. In the meantime, don’t take it to heart - she doesn’t really hate you and wish she’d never been born, honest. And you’ll be able to get that slamming bedroom door fixed when it comes off it’s hinges...

You may think, and she may want you to think, though she won’t know why, that she isn’t working and will fail at school. You’ve given her a good grounding, she’ll be fine.