I am just wrecked

Thank you for these suggestions - I am grateful for that.

On Sunday, I am going to Cornwall for 4 days with one of my DDs and family. I am hoping so much that I will have the energy to enjoy it - and also hoping it might wake me up from my doldrum. Fingers crossed.

I plan gentle walks on the beach and sitting with a good book overlooking the sea.

Lucky be very kind to yourself now

Ever tried reflexology Luckygirl? On the recommendation of a friend I now have a wonderful lady come to the house once a month. Whether or not you believe the Chinese ideas behind it, it does relax and invigorate. I’m hooked! (And she has helped with various health problems. I don’t know how, but it works).

Luckygirl just popped in to send warm wishes. What are you like with needles? I have acupuncture whenever I'm feeling drained. If you don't care for needles you can have acupressure, although my practitioner uses facial quality needles in places I don't like them. It can restore some equilibrium and boost the immune system. I tell her I want to feel energised not feeling so calm I could nod off! You may wish to relax and feel sleepy after it.

Whatever you do, remember we care and are willing you to get through this difficult time. xx

Luckgirl you saying that having your shower and getting dressed after tires you out, really rings a bell with me. Daughter bought me a pure cotton towelling robe which I am supposed to put on after my bath to finish drying off. Trouble is, the thing is so flipping heavy I find it a struggle to put on.

Yes. I wonder about CFS.

You have more of a reason than me for feeling so washed out though.

merlot -

I really do appreciate the thought behind these kind suggestions, and understand that for some a pet would be spot on.

A teddy bear sounds just right for me. Thank you for that suggestion. It would not jump up or lick me.

I have had a shower this morning and believe me it is a major act - it knocks me out completely for the rest of the morning.

I shouldn't laugh ..... Luckygirl knows how much we care for her but anyone who knows her on Gransnet will chortle at the suggestion of a cat or even worse, a dog. ??

Luckygirl; Get some vit B tablets. They are for tiredness and the nervous system. Read books, listen to music, buy crossword or codeword books. Anything to switch off the mind. If you have a heat pad, hold it for comfort. Even a teddy bear can help! When I stroke my ted, I can feel calmness like stroking a pet. I feel a little silly saying that but it's true. Best wishes.

There is some great advice, love and support from everyone on here, and I'm sure that is of comfort to you. Do you have a local carer's hub where you can seek support from talking to someone about how you feel? Inevitably, you will feel exhausted and 'spent' which impacts your emotional wellbeing too. Be kind to yourself and "go with the flow", but get yourself out with friends, or to a local activity or two, be with people, and do what makes you feel good; a pamper session of some kind.
Be reassured that you have been, and are amazing in what you have achieved for your DH. He is well looked after, is happy, and in a place that gives you peace of mind. This new chapter will take time for you to adjust to. Sending positive thoughts and hugs... xx

I got ( well, was gifted) a cat two weeks after my H went into care.
She is the most wonderful companion and is on my bed as I type.
As Chapeau said, I have to get up to let her out in the morning and I have to ensure good is in the house for her.
I have my down days of course, who doesn't? But I would not be without her.

Now I have my D and GD living with me, who would have expected that a year ago?
Sometimes frankly a mixed blessing but again I can't imagine, at present, life without them here.

Luckygirl I completely agree with all the previous advice about 'going with the flow'. I realise this might seem a silly question but,,,,have you thought about getting a pet? I was injured and a friend was killed in an attack in a Middle Easter country. I had to return to the UK for treatment and although I'm pretty mobile now, my whole life has changed. My career is over and, having spent the last 15 years or so gallivanting round dodgy (but beautiful) countries, I have few close friends in the UK. As you say, it is a shock to the system - such a radical change in lifestyle and once the NHS had finished with me, I found myself feeling unwell all the time. There was no longer any reason to get out of bed or to engage with life. Yes, I got checked out - nothing wrong with me so accepted the anti-depressants and went back to bed....for about 2 years!
Out of the blue, I acquired a cat and consequently I am now a firm believer in the therapeutic value of animals. Maybe a pet might be the answer for you?? It worked wonders for me as it gave me a focus and a reason to get out of bed. More importantly, my cat was, and still is, a huge comfort and always seems to know when I'm having an off day. Please don't think I am trivialising your current situation - I just thought it might help give you a 'positive'.

Luckygirl your reactions are perfectly normal for people who have been through any trauma like yours. As others say, go with flow. Let these feelings wash over and through you.

Get as much sleep and relaxation as you can, do not worry about opening the door to delivery men in the afternoon, still in your night clothes, it is nobodies business but yours.

Gradually you will feel better, have more energy. but meanwhil, just relax and let all these feelings and tiredness work themselves out.

My aunt died last December she was 92. I had looked to her for many years. I too expected to feel some relief but all I felt was sadness and I felt like you physically ill. I am trying to do something everyday, either go out to the shops, for a walk if I have nothing else planned and I am giving my body time to recover. It is helping. I suggest you do the same our bodies need time to recover it is not an instant thing we have been living on adrenaline and we have to be weaned off it. Don't be too hard on yourself it will get better. x

I would just take some time out and do absolutely nothing, stay in bed if you want to, watch TV all day if you want to. Just rest and recuperate until you feel better and are in a better frame of mind to do something else. Take one day at a time and eventually I'm sure you will feel much better xx

My thoughts are with you and I can only agree with ' the tank is empty ' statement. You have given every effort and sometimes it is when you stand still you fall over.
You gave everything you possibly could. It is now time to care for yourself, with love and kindness. Best wishes to you.

Sometimes just getting through the next five minutes is easier than trying to get through the day Each five minutes is a small triumph. You will 'get there' in the end.
There was an inspirational phrase in the Sunday Times magazine today. "If you really loved yourself, what would you do?"
Perhaps treating yourself with the respect, love and kindness that you deserve having coped with such a traumatic time and asking for the strength to help you come to terms with this huge change in your life.

Everything that Goldenage said, a page or two back. I would read it....and read it again. The body and mind cannot be separated. You will slowly feel better. The physical symptoms can be unexpected, and worrying, but in time, they will improve. Be gentle with yourself. You are grieving as well as everything else. You have done so much with scant thought for your own wellbeing....that’s how life is sometimes....now, take some time for yourself. Know that you may feel awful but it will slowly change for the better.?

Lucky, I can't improve on all the advice you've been given here and I hope that you have found something to help you through such a difficult period. As for me, I'd like nothing better than to be able to give you a ((((hug))) and I hope you have someone who will do just that.

Ironically I was a social worker with brain-damaged adults for many years. I resigned in the end as I was no longer able to help and support people, but had simply become a financial gatekeeper. I moved on to a new career.

Watching these processes playing out is painful for me, not just because of my concern for my OH, but also because it is so sad to see these poor social workers doing what in the end I refused to do - filling in forms, distressing people by making them go over their deficits ad nauseam, and playing the bureaucratic game - when I was first a social worker, I really do believe that people benefited from what I was doing for them. I could not have done it otherwise. It is so very different now, in adult services at least.

I went to see OH today and he said the SW had been in a couple of days ago and he had had to sign something - I was not there, nor any member of staff as far as I know - and he did not know what it was he had signed. Another problem to grapple with tomorrow.

I think you are suffering a form of bereavement you have tried your best to nurse your husband and no doubt did your very best. Now he is in a nursing home and no longer at home with you so it’s only natural to have the feeling of loss. It takes time to adjust to the change of circumstances. When your husband was at home he was the reason you were motivated to get out of bed in the mornings. As time moves on and you adjust I think your motivation will return. Best wishes. X

I’m so sorry Luckygirl what you’ve been through and everyone has been marvellous with the right advice regarding resting, taking care of you now, time etc. But I would like to add that I have had 3 awful years of fighting social services trying to get out of paying for my mother in care. I know how ill it makes you, trust me, we had a horrific time but ours was complicated. Please please get the support of age concern who will put you in touch of an appropriate solicitor who can help you fight these vile horrible human beings! I’m sorry if everyone on here thinks social services are great and don’t want to start a riot but in my own experience they are awful, and do not give a fig about the feelings of the people they trample all over whilst trying to get their own way and invading your life with their utter nosiness and contempt, trying their hardest to avoid paying any care money at all! They will tear you down, give you conflicting news, lie to you and drag you down if you try to deal with them on your own. Age concern will get you half an hour free with the appropriate solicitor who deals with social services and tell you about continuous funding if you are entitled to it or help you with advice if your not. Let the solicitor deal with them, it’s a lot easier and takes the weight off your shoulders. Take care, be strong and very firm with them. Look after you, it will take a while to adjust to your new circumstances, perphaps there is a local mindfulness class near you or maybe get together with a friend now and then for lunch, cinema etc to give your mind a couple of hours break from all the stress?

Thank you so much everyone.

Being a carer had just become a complete way of life with me; all the time waiting for his buzzer; thinking of ways to make him comfortable; battling with care agencies etc. Just filled so much of my time and my emotions - although I did organise care so that I could still be a school governor and choir leader - I knew that without those things I would have sunk without trace.

I have been on one track for so long that it is hard to adapt to a new way of life, and a new way of being a wife and partner. I know I will get there in the end; and the support and kindness of this thread have truly helped me along that journey. Thank you all so much. I have been doing a bit of resting!

sending love and kind thoughts to you. I agree with you all the struggling with funding etc. is awful, makes the whole thing worse.

have you got a carers support organisation near you that could guide you through all the paperwork etc. they will take a lot off your shoulders and then you can concentrate more on yourself and your dear husband.
bless you. x

Dear Luckygirl, I do feel for you, I think you need to speak to someone like Cruse or the Samaritans, it's like you are grieving for the life you had before your DH became ill. I know how that feels. You probably feel guilty, sad - devastated and wonder what's the point. Please seek help. I pray you will eventually get the peace in your head that you deserve.

You are worn out, years of stress take a physical toll on our adrenal glands. Take a look at Adrenal Fatigue . I suspect its the culprit. It affects energy and emotions big time. I went through similar experience and bounced back with diet & b12.
I hope youve got good people in your life to support you.
Look at the adrenal diet B12 injections talk to a counsellor.
So sorry youve been separated from your DH. It will get better in time.