How to deal with a person who never stops talking about themselves

I think I would grin and bear it. Poor lady does seem lonely and looks on you as her sounding board. I think I would gently say when she rings, that you were just about to pop out and can spare 10 mins. Or you ring her when it is convenient for you and then make the excuse to get off the phone. Furret has a good idea if she doesn't live too far away and the walking and talking is something that my friends and I do.

Have a fiend that talks about her family the whole time, not interested in anyone but herself. I suggested to my other friend that we go for coffee with that I will but out of this and leave her to go on her own as she seems to be ok with her. But she said that no she wanted to see me as well and that we would not stay long. Have often thought I should tell this friend that she is draining. After lockdown I do not want to go back to this feeling with her. Please help.

I've a person like this in my life too, but when I mentioned this to another friend she advised me to have little jobs I can do when the phone call comes. She does this with an elderly lonely relative so that she doesn't get irritated, as she knows that these calls are one of the few contacts she has in her life.
On the other hand if your friend has many other people in her life & lives close enough to keep dropping round too, then it's another matter.
I find texts are a help with my chatty person who's at a distance. I just text little ordinarybthings like saying it's raining or I'm watching a programme she might like. Just short messages to let her know she's not alone. It works with my person & cuts down on the lengthy one sided calls

I could have been that person many years ago after I got divorced, having been on the listening end since, I cannot be more grateful to the friend who listened to me for hours on many occasions. In effect it served the place of counselling for me. The other day I found myself falling into that trap with a newish friend and felt mortified after hanging up. I apologised but he said it was fine, and luckily next time he called he was the one who did the talking about a problem he is facing - but I have a sneaky feeling that he did it to make me feel better.

I agree with the suggestion that you find things to do in that situation - put the phone on speaker and get on with anything that doesn't make a noise - even watch cute videos of dogs or cats with no sound, or watch tv with the subtitles on! The friend might get over it in time, but if not, encouraging her to join things will give her more things to talk about.

On the other hand if she is only an acquaintance and you don’t want it to develop into a friendship, think up some excuses to cut her off. For example, you could find a ring tone or alarm on your mobile that you can play and say, sorry, that’s the door, or the timer to say dinner’s ready, or in a gap in her talking say it was lovely speaking to her but you have to go out now ( which you can actually do if you don’t want to lie), or just that you have to go without giving a reason. It is quite possible that she is aware of talking to much and regrets it, but then can’t stop herself next time. If she is on lockdown it could be making her worse.

She is lonely but I would go by your instinct. It’s not down to you to be her only companion. I wouldn’t feel guilty about making excuses not to see her.

There for the grace of god go i.If we can't spendctime with a friend who is lonely.We need to look at ourselves and ask what kind friend we are

I have this problem with someone I'm related to and am very fond of. Her phone calls drive me mad, it's at least an hour of her talking and me listening...she gets very cross if I interupt the flow. And she is in poor health, so how can I be unkind?

Jeannie 99...... your problem is my problem as well. I have a friend since childhood.... who was never allowed to grow up and become an independent woman. Now of course ..no partner... no kids or grandkids.... all siblings dead. She cannot sustain any female/friend relationships as she is so egocentric. Luckily we’re don’t live close, but she phones me every day sometimes twice a day and three times is not unheard of. It’s the same rattling on about unruly neighbours ... people she doesn’t like because they don’t see HER side on everything . Sometimes I just can’t be bothered to answer the phone. She totally disregards the fact I have a disabled husband who needs constant attention, that I just MAY have family round. She will call dinner times (5-6.30 ) ... she will call Sunday lunch times 1-2.30. You can raise your voice and say you’ve ‘got family here’.... which you told her at yesterdays phone call, but it is water of a ducks back. She wants to talk about herself and you are gonna bloody listen. Your friend like mine is toxic!! They are user up of their friends’ time and energy. I can’t let mine go as I am her last link with everything she held dear ... our childhood together. It’s the reason I mostly answer the phone to her . If your friend isn’t linked into your past history , for goodness sake don’t put up with her. Life really is too short!

Maybe she wants someone to go with to these groups.how about you? .seeing you a good friend .its just that she might need a little encouragement..a friend in need is a friend in deed.

This poor lady is obviously still grieving and has formed her own "bubble" where nothing and no one else matters besides her need to have a say.
If she won't go to any groups, please take her to one or two - doesn't matter if you continue to go, hopefully after a few visits she'll be interested enough to carry on.
Beyond that, unless you want to be brutally honest and tell her that you need to have your say or ask her why you can never seem to get a word in, you either will have to put up with the way it is or end the friendship.

Jeannie99 I sympathise. I have a friend and a neighbour both like this (I call them both Meme (Mimi)! My friend, who I have known since we were 14 and 15, sends me lengthy emails telling me all about what she has been doing, her health problems and attaches photos and videos of her grandaughters. I always respond and comment on her
activities, sympathise with her ailments and say how lovely her granddaughter are but , if I mention anything about my life or ailments and send her photos of my darling little granddaughter, she never makes any comments. I do find this quite upsetting.
If I ask my neighbour how she is, it is as if I've wound her up, she stares straight ahead and goes into a diatribe about her family issues and other problem. If I try to offer advice or help (if I can get a word in) she completely ignores it and carries on again about the same things next time. I think she just wants to offload.
I appreciate that both are lonely, although my friend lives with her daughter but it would be nice to be listened to occasionally as I sometimes think they don't care how I am and iIwonder how they would respond if I ever needed a listening ear!

There's a lot of people like that, some lonely, others just plain narcissists, bores even, and they wonder why people make excuses to get out of their company. Sad.

I live in a nation of everyone talking about themselves ,not interested in anyone else,Most are not lonely, but love to tell you about illnesses, others troubles etc.I just listen and hope one day someone may be interested in ME!

She is not alone.
I have two friends like her.
One phones to see how we are but never finds out because she spends her time talking about her family and people I don't know .
I usually put the phone onto speaker mode and grunt now and then whilst doing something else.
However I was caught out when I decided to tidy my desk drawer and spilled ink all over the carpet .
Served me right
Like Belleringer I have gone to the front door and rung the bell but one time stupidly I said that I would have to go because I could hear the 'phone ringing.
I covered it up by saying it was my mobile .

very wise lemsip

She is just lonely and everything she wants to say builds up so when she finds someone to listen she can't stop talking.... You just have to be patient.

I know how you feel Jeanie99, I have two long standing friends like this. We don't meet now as we live too far apart so we just phone at birthdays, Christmas etc. Conversations are always very one-sided. They talk and I must listen! Any attempt by me to tell them my news is ignored and I know they're not really listening, their mind is only on what they will say next. Eventually they run out of conversation and we say our farewells.

I think one of these friends is very lonely. Following surgery a few years ago she's not able to go out on her own. Her husband is rather bigoted and unsociable. He always decides what they do, where they go and who can come in their home. They have no friends and no children, only extended family, and no hobbies or interests. With so little happening in their lives her conversation is all about doctor and hospital appointments and what their neighbours have done. I sometimes send her photos of our family, or crafting projects I've completed, but she never comments on them or even acknowledges recepit of them. I suppose I should feel honoured that they consider us to be friends, albeit long distance, and over the past 25 years we have grown accustomed to their ways.

We've been friends for many years and I like them both very much and value their friendship, but sometimes I dread hearing their voices at the end of the phone. I too have been known to ring the doorbell to escape a lengthy call!

This is a common fault in those who live alone.

I was fortunate to have a very honest friend who told me that that was what I was doing, when I was alone and tired of being alone. She reminded me nicely that good manners require you to actually listen to other people as well and ask how they are.

If she hadn't been so brave and honest, I would probably never married, as no-one wants a woman or man who can only talk about themselves.

Could you drop a hint to your friend that conversation is a two way street? And that if she wants people to be concerned about her life, she needs to show concern for theirs.

Houndi
After a particular bad period with this friend of mine where I think she was in training for the Talking Olympics I decided to add up the time I spent on the phone with her in one week.
In one particular week it was 6 hours ?
I have another ploy I use: after about an hour I say, jean, are you there I say this a couple of times and then say ( to myself obviously) oh, don't know what happened there and end the call.

I know this sounds very mean to some people but you really have no idea how draining this is.

jeanie99 yes she does sound lonely. Interestingly you describe her as an acquaintance rather than a friend, it all depends on whether you want to develop a friendship with her. As Gingergirl says it's not down to you to be her only companion. I had an acquaintance like this who wanted to do everything with me and to have my undivided attention and usually only contacted me when she wanted something. I explained as kindly as possible that whilst I enjoyed her company I also had to make time for other people in my life and could not always be as readily available as she would like me to be. This seemed to help her to understand that she was not the only person making demands on my time. This may be something that could work for you too.

Your friend's life has changed, she's now alone and probably very lonely, maybe you can look on this listening as your giving her a helping hand. Be kind.

If she lost her husband last year I would imagine she is still grieving and people can behave in a strange way when they are greiving. She is probably lonely too and maybe lacks the confidence to go out there and make new friends and join clubs at the moment because grief can make you lose self confidence. Maybe she could do with some counselling? Losing your husband is probably a very difficult thing to go through and I think this is why she is behaving this way.

I have a similar problem with an unmarried friend who lived with her mother, who died last year. I was very happy to help her through her grief, and she has come on so well, but now FaceTimes me at least 3 times a week, and talks for about an hour each time - I put the occasional word in. It is very hard but I know she has few friends, and gets lonely.

Before lockdown a lady like this joined one of my groups. To make things worse she was not very bright and went on about her husband and his important job and all the things she had bought. It really spoiled the ethos of the group as we couldnt even chat about our usual topics without her jumping in to tell another story about herself.

I have read all your messages and thank you for your response.
I had never realised there were so many people out there so like this lady.
Many people have said it is very draining and it is but I would like to help her and will continue to work on changing the conversation but so far it's hasn't worked.
Thanks so much everyone.