Staying together for the sake of the kids - does it ever work?

Despite my qualifications I was encouraged to take poorly paid part time work to be able to take our children to school and collect them. This meant OH could always work and travel without any difficulty. He was never that great as a partner, but when his parents died and he suddenly had money I was faced with a middle aged adolescent who now felt he could behave exactly as he chose. I was informed that I should get myself 'a proper job' like his (by then I was in my fifties with 3 teenage children). I managed to stay in a horribly abusive situation taking care of the home and family and still working whilst he spent his leisure time drinking, playing Football Manager, and going out, telling me all the time how inadequate I was. He retired early and as part of the divorce settlement and thanks to his generous pension I was able to keep the house as a home for us all. The children are all now happily married with children of their own and I am very much a part of the grandchildren's lives, often taking care of them so that their parents can work. They have little time for their father who has since remarried and decided he is an old old man at just over 70. I thank God every day that I am free of all his misery and selfishness and since we divorced I have been so very happy. I am really hard up and haven't been on holiday since the divorce but I am very very glad that I put the children first and waited until I was sure we had a settled future.

I think that the war spoiled my parents’ marriage. I was born as the war started, and my brother was 3. Mum learned to cope and make all the decisions while Dad was in the army, and he was probably a different man when he came home, and wanted to take charge again.
They stayed together, but the home atmosphere wasn’t good, and I learned to be quiet and ‘keep my head down.’ They didn’t socialise, and rarely went out, and I grew up painfully shy, which affected my life for many years. I married a man I thought I loved, but we weren’t very happy. We never discussed separating, and I could never have supported five children on my own. Luckily all the children have grown up happy and successful, so we must have done something right. Since he died I have opened up a little to the family, and found that they never realised the extent of the problems we had. We must have been good actors!
I admire those who walk away from bad marriages, often at great cost to themselves. Maybe because of my lack of confidence in my own abilities I never plucked up the courage to make that decision. On the whole I don’t regret staying.

I know several people who grew up in families like this and all have been affected / damaged in some way.
Even my own parents, who did try to co-exist for a time, looking back, when they did finally part, it was a complete lifting of the atmosphere.

I'm grateful my ex didn't stay for the sake of the children - I would never have met my lovely DH. I guess I would eventually have left first husband but only after years of emotional abuse.

I suppose it's possible as long as the two people can live together without actual animosity, just like "housemates" if you like, if they can still have a reasonably happy life that way without bitterness, and don't crave for new relationships etc. I think it happens more often than people want to admit, actually, "because of the kids".

Even in a successful and long lasting marriage, there will be times when things are difficullt. The difficulty is judging during the difficult times whether it is something that you can get through and come out the other end still with a sound relationship or whether there is no end and life would be better apart.

It is much easier to make these decisions if you are financially independent, which I always had the capacity to be and was, even though, when the children were very young, I was financially dependent on DH for a few years.

A bit different I know, but my mother stayed with my father out of guilt (he had a serious car accident when I was 10 days old) she felt it would be a rotten thing to leave him as a disabled person and didn't want to break up our little family.
As the only child of the marriage I watched my mother become more and more unhappy as the years went by and consequently harder and harder to live with, this made me very unhappy growing up and I wish my parents had separated when I was small and worked out a way to co parent from that stand point. They were good friends but even as a child I knew they weren't happy!

Depends on how friendly you can remain. I don't suppose it helps the kids if there are constant rows or hostility.

I stayed for the kids...until my youngest was 18 . ...and was going to uni. after I’d worked all our marriage and given all monies to him , I had nothing to call my own. My mum gave me the money for deposit for rental flat and I then was working 30 hours per week and thought I could manage. I told my husband I was leaving, it was no surprise to him. Then two weeks later he had a stroke. He lost his job. That was 25 years ago ...I have been working full time and administering g to a man I no longer love..like ...or respect for all that time ...out of fear, fear of what my kids and family would say if I left this ‘helpless’ invalid in his own to cope!!! But what about the life I’ve sacrificed..? They do t ‘get it’. I’m imprisoned by fear and now my own diminishing health. Whoever it is you are talking about....tell them to go.... and go now. Before it’s too late for a life free from others admonishment!

As many have said, it really depends on the circumstances and family dynamics. I asked my first husband to leave when my eldest daughter was 4 (after 4.5 years of marriage), we had been unhappy for some time and probably shouldn't even have got married really but I was relatively young (22), insecure and pregnant and I thought I could grow to really love him even though the relationship was already in trouble.

I remarried 5 years later and had 2 children with my second husband who, after 15 years of marriage when our children were 13 and 10, decided to have an affair. I was devastated and my initial reaction was to split up but I didn't want to split up the family (he obviously didn't care!) and finances meant it would be extremely painful and difficult. In the end, despite what he had done, I still loved him very much and tried to put his brief and non-sexual affair into the context of our much longer relationship/marriage.

That was 4 years ago and we have had some very difficult conversations since then and our relationship has been a real roller coaster but I can say that I am glad that I decided to try to repair our marriage - our children are 17 and 15 now. My own parents divorced when I was 18 and I (and my brother) was aware of the tension throughout our childhood.

My own children are aware of what their dad did and have heard the resulting arguments between us but hopefully they will see that we have tried to move on from that awful time. We don't have arguments about it in front of them now (it's still so very hard even 4 years on but I am getting there) and hopefully in the long term they will appreciate the hard work we have done to keep things together.

However, if my husband had carried on his awful behaviour or not done the work necessary for us to stay together, then I would have asked him to leave. You have to assess each situation as you see fit and that is what I feel I have done.

Life is hard.....

I stayed 10 yrs longer than I wanted to just so the kids had two loving parents I left when my youngest was 14. He was a functioning alcoholic and even his parents hadn’t guessed we muddled along for the last few years until I realised it was harming the the children. My eldest had left home and her sister was independent by then. The last few months were horrendous once he knew I was going to leave.
My children all say they wonder why I stayed so long now.

If I would have stayed with my first husband I don't think I would be alive today. He went off the rails and had no care in the world for me or our two children. I divorced for my children's sake and I am so glad I did even though it was very difficult. I did remarry and I am very proud of my family. I don't believe from my experience staying for children does them any good.

My own father left when I was 4 years old and I was the youngest of five. My mother really struggled financially, (none of the extra handouts people have these days) but we always had a hot meal on the table every day. We had no luxuries but a lot of love. However I was bullied at school (because I didn't have a dad!), So when I got married and had kids I was determined I was going to give my kids a stable life. My marriage turned to be a love hate relationship but I wouldn't leave as I had no where to go and I didn't want to up root my kids in any case. In the end he had an affair and left me. He tried to come crawling back when it all went wrong but I was firm and wouldn't let him back. So I was back in the same situation as my mother, money was very tight but we were happy. I got the house in the divorce and hung on to it by training for a better paid job so I could pay the mortgage. My kids eventually left home and they are loyal to me. They know I was the one that kept a roof over their head. I met someone else 13 years ago and we are blissfully happy. He was a divorcee too. We both sold our properties and have a lovely home together. He is more of a father figure to my kids than their own ever was (he ran off to Thailand). So I really think it depends on the circumstances. Do the couple own their own home? are there any pension to sort out? will there be shared care? It is not easy raising children alone but it can be done.

I am always struck by the number of people in interviews, autobiographies say that the worst thing which ever happened to them was their parents splitting up and that they never got over it. I believe that people should do everything they can to stay together. I definitely stayed with mine for the sake of the children and don’t regret doing that. However, there was no abuse in the marriage - which I think should never be tolerated.

I sometimes think that it is more surprising that couples stay together, than that so many divorce.

My parents' marriage was utterly bizarre - they were totally co-dependent and that dependency centred around running each other down basically. My Mum was a highly intelligent woman who had been held back by Victorian-thinking parents who did not really see the point in educating girls. She carried that bitterness around for her whole life and it influenced her attitude to men, my Dad in particular.

Dad was relatively docile, but, like my Mum, was not demonstrative emotionally - I do not believe either ever told us children they loved us; or gave us a hug.

It was a strange up-bringing, but we knew nothing else. Mum had serious PMT (which I did not realise until I was adult) and Jekyll and Hyde was the order of the day - very confusing for children to live with.

Would we have been better off if they had parted? - who knows?

I am sorry for all of you who have struggled with unsatisfactory marriages and have been burdened with such huge decisions. All I can say to you is that you did your best at the time under difficult circumstances - none of us can do any more than that.

Lucca
“It’s a very daunting prospect to leave a marriage and I still hate remembering the sadness of when I finally did.”
Agree Lucca even if my ex husband’s unreasonable behaviour made all our lives a misery. Can only say if you are leaving make sure you don’t make yourself homeless and you have enough funds and income to support yourself. Obviously it’s still upsetting for the children but if it saves them witnessing rows and upset all round, then it’s better that way.

We separated as we believed it was better for the children to have two 'happy' homes (parents) than one unhappy home with parents 'together'. It wasn't easy bringing up 2 children on my own working full time etc with (as it turned out) very little input / support from their father. Also I got a lot of 'flak' from my parents who were of the 'stay and get on with it' attitude (I think it's a generation thing). However parents did, eventually, acknowledge separation was the better option for everyone and DC are fine - they were 4 and 2 at the time, nearly 30 years ago

I suppose it works in some cases. There have been a few people on gransnet that state they are staying together for financial reasons, I think that is worse. Stopping the spouse moving on and finding happiness with somebody else.

Staying for the sake of the children at least means you have their interests at heart but staying for just your own benefit is selfish.

I know every marriage is different but I think a lot of couples give up too soon and too easily.
The excitement of the first few years will fade ,thats normal but if you understand that and theres no abuse etc then why not put some effort into it
.A lot of folk seem to believe their marriage vows have a cut off date when they can upsticks and walk away.
NO marriage is sunshine and roses all the way and anyone who tells you it is is either unique or deluded.We all have bad times amongst the good ...thats just life .

I also remember telling a friend "if it wasn't for the children...." and a few of us also said " by the time they are at at Uni, we won't last beyond that". But here I am happily (and I mean that) married for 36 years and our love still growing. We have had some truly awful times, years of misery and depression (both of us) and much bickering. I am the only one who really lets rip and says what I feel and sometimes used to yell and scream with frustration at not "getting through" BUT having said all that I have learned that this IS marriage, this IS who we are and how we deal with things, this is OUR real life. We did go for counselling which was fairly useful but the best form of resolution came through giving it some time and space. I am sure that some of the issues we have had, we would have had to deal with whether we were in a relationship or not. It is more about self development and learning to understand and love yourself rather than blaming it all on your partner or the 'bad' relationship. That said of course there are some partnerships that are toxic and if there is no room to grow as a person, then leave. Friends of ours broke up and had a four year 'gap' but are now back together having sorted themselves out and not each other. I feel it is wasteful to throw away a partnership until you have explored all the possibilities. One size does not fit all

Oh Saggi that's a such a sad story, I really feel for you. I hope your family and friends are a support for you.

I have always said if I hadn’t left my first husband when i did that by the time i was 35 either i would be dead or I’d be in prison for killing him( in self defence I hasten to add!) It took alot of courage but I couldn’t stand seeing my 5 yr old daughter becoming a nervous wreck.
But it does depend on the circumstances. If there is absolutely no violence or ill will in the relationship then it must be considered
Personally I HAD to do it but i was supported by my mum and got a good solicitor ( having been secretly to a Citizens advice bureau first).
Both my children are now in their 30’s got great jobs ,happily married and have children of their own

I do not think you should stay together for the sake of the kids. What happens when the kids leave home? You are stuck with someone you detest. I also think long standing tensions are very bad for kids too. Best have a clean break.

I have sometimes wondered if I would have married earlier, if my parents were divorced. There was neither cruelty nor adultery, but both my parents felt they had married the wrong person.

They stayed together "for the children" and because my mother like most wives in the 1960s would not have been able to support herself, never mind two children.

The atmosphere in our home was reasonable, but at times unpleasant with my mother nagging and my father making sarcastic remarks, which were often hurtful.

I left home at sixteen and was thankful to get away and swore that I wouldn't be in a hurry to marry.

Looking back I think I would have been happier without a close up of a marriage that didn't work well.

57VRS I feel as if I am reading my own history here terrified by my then husband. I am very proud of my children now in their thirties with young families of their own. I am happy in the knowledge I did the right thing and they themselves grew up safe and secure.