Joke! Remember them?

Surely dogless in this case?
The Doug/Douglas jokes I heard in the past all included a spade, rather than a dog.

Rufus Cher didn't sing 'Whats it all about Alfie', it was Cilla.

What happens if you give viagra to a politician ? He gets taller.

Friend told me her man took viagra last week but it got stuck in his throat.
All he got was a stiff neck

Surely dogless in this case?
Fanny C Now why would a Glasgie Scot take a spade out on a lead, and then lose it!?

We are both correct.
My informants tell me that Cher sang "Alfie" over the closing credits of the film.
Cilla made it her own later as did many others, as I indicated.
Whomsoever sang it, I still reckon it's a rhetorical question!
I stand by ready to be corrected by any of our linguistic experts!.
OoRoo

Rufus re Cher. That is so odd. What a straight choice. And it doesn't sound like her

Strange, not straight, for heaven's sake!

No-one says 'Glasgie' , by the way, but good point about the spade, Rufus.

No-one says 'Glasgie' , by the way
FarNorth Apart from me you mean!?
I learned it that way years ago from watching Taggart on TV and just lately we've been receiving confirmation through a series of Neil Oliver, Susan Calvan and others.
But! I promise to do better next time!
Good Health

It's 'Glesga' if you have to say it in a Glasgow accent which most people don't.

No-one says 'Glasgie' , by the way, but good point about the spade,
FarNorth I'll be able to tell you if you're right next week 'cos Susan Calman will be visiting Glasgie next week as part of her "Secret Scotland" series.
Tonight she was in your territory, far North Scotland, John O'Groats and all that!
Lovely scenery, no snow, but she made it look cold judging by the gear she was wearing.
Btw; I always thought you all called a spade a bloody shovel!?
OoRoo

What happens if you give viagra to a politician ? He gets taller
They also put it in the supper of elderly. gentlemen in residential homes to prevent them from rolling out of bed in the middle of the night.!

Why do skydivers jumping from a plane at 20,000ft, bother to wear crash helmets? Jerry Seinfeld

Mirrors can't lie and lucky for you they can't laugh!

I got a message the other day that said:
'There really is no problem with self-isolating. But how come one of my bags of rice contains 6,729 grains and the other has 6,731?'

Barry Cryer's Favourite Willie Rushton Joke

'What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is taking a single feather and doing something lingering and sensual and beautiful to your partner

. Kinky is using the whole chicken.

Now that your awful weather has gone it might be a good time to resurrect a joke involving rain which might bring back those smiles!

A lady talking to her friend;
" I think my husband is depressed;
it hasn't stopped raining for three days and all he's done is stare through the window.
If it doesn't stop raining tomorrow, I suppose I'll have to let him in!"

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES???

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________ ________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_______________ _______________ __
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________ _______________ __
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_______________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_______________ __________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________ _______________ _
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_______________ _____________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
_______________ _______________ _
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you [censored] me?
_______________ _______________ _
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_______________ _______________ __
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_______________ _______________ __
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_______________ _______________ _
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_______________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________ _______________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_______________ _______________ _
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_______________ _______________ _
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_______________ _______________ __
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_______________ _______________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

A true story that made me smile. Mrs Anxiao is a veterinarian, and often comes home with funny stories but this was the most recent.

A client asked that she not shave around the neck area of her immaculately groomed dog to take a blood sample. Mrs A said no problem we can take it from a less visible area, but why in particular for this dog? "Because he's getting married next week and it will not look good on the photos." Luckily wearing a mask and so able to keep a straight face, she said "Oh thats' nice" with other pleasantries.

"Not really, he has to, he made his girlfriend pregnant."

A lady walks into a sex shop and says "I'd like to purchase a vibrator"
Certainly madam!" says the salesman!
You'll find them all on display on the wall over there. Please make your selection.
She returns a few minutes later and says, "I'll take the red one"
Salesman says, "I'm afraid you can't do that Madam;; that's our fire extinguisher!

Rufus2 Sun 30-May-21 06:49:16
I reckon now is an appropriate time, especially this week in Melbourne, to revisit this; thanks Mini.
Piss not pics.
MiniMoon Sun 03-Jan-21 11:16:16
Just heard a Doctor on TV saying that during this period of isolation while staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start, and we could all use more calm in our lives.
I looked through my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys , a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumum srciptums an a box of chocletz.
Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now.
Sned this to all who need inner pics, an tellum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby. ❣若

Shears maate, sgunna be a longwun.

The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class :
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whisky, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whisky on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 enemy troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last enemy with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mummy when she's drunk."

???

Saw this one today and had to share it.....

A bloke was sitting at the side of the road crying his eyes out, his dead hamster in his hands. A fairy godmother asked him what the matter was. He said “I loved my pet hamster and it just died ”. The fairy godmother said “Well I can’t bring it back to life, but I can suggest that you can make some good of the situation”. The bloke asked “How do I do that ?” The fairy godmother replied “Go home put the hamster in a pan and add a bag of sugar. Heat the pan up stirring well and simmer for an hour. Allow to cool, pour it onto your garden and see what happens”. The bloke did exactly as she suggested. The next day, he went into the garden and there were masses of daffodils everywhere! He ran back to the road where he’d seen the fairy godmother and she reappeared and asked the bloke how he’d got on. He said “It’s fantastic, there are daffodils everywhere!” The fairy godmother replied “That’s really strange, you normally get tulips from hamster jam!”??