Joke! Remember them?

Here's one from Alexa:
What do you call a cow on 3 legs? I

Lean beef

Found this news item when cleaning out comp. files;
"Children of rocket scientists working at NASA quickly learn to count backwards!;
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, sh*t!

WRITE IT DOWN

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
Maywalk Very good!
Only one problem is that it's a "dumb blonde" joke which if I'd told it would see me stuffed headfirst into that wheelie bin!

I was going to say that Rufus2!

I was going to say that Rufus
Aveline You mean to say you would have stuffed me into that wheelie bin!?
Shame on you! And I thought we were friends!
I'm off to bed and I'm not even giving you an OoRoo, so there!

Sigh. I was going to say that someone was bound to take offence not that I'd stuff you in a wheelie bin!

UK Medical experts were asked late last night, if it was time to ease the COVID lockdowns; this was the findings :-
Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government lacked the nerve.
Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while Paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off by the whole idea.
Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won, leaving the entire decision up to the politicians

???

Sigh. I was going to say that someone was bound to take
offence
Aveline Sigh if you must, but please don't sob! I would hate to feel responsible!
Why should anyone take offence? It was a funny joke which is what this thread was intended to be all about, aimed at persons over the age of 18 .
I'll never understand why some people go out of their way to find things to be offended about. The thread title is perfectly explicit!
OoRoo

A couple were in a pub with a young teenager, the barman said “Oi, he’s too young to drink” the reply. “he’s not here to drink, just to help us order our drinks from the app”.

Originally from Private Eye. Rather appropriate I thought as we start to go out.

Courtesy of " The Oldie"
An 82 year old man goes to his doctor.
'I want a complete physical examination. I'm about to get married,' says the old man.
'How old are you?' the doctor asks.
'I'm 82 and she's 24. I want a complete examination to make sure everything's working properly,' says the old man.
The Doctor said, '24! Well, I'll do the examination. But it might be better if you also got a young lodger. You know, company for your wife.'
'Yes, yes, what a good idea,' says the old man.

The doctor meets him again a few months later.
'Did you get married?' asks the doctor. 'How's your young bride?'
'She's pregnant,' says the old man proudly.
'And, erm, how's the lodger?' says the doctor nervously.
'She's pregnant, too,' says the old man.

Katie59

Katie59

Murphy was walking along the beach and saw this old bottle
Picked it up and took the cork out
Out popped a Genie “ you released me master I will grant you 3 wishes”
Murphy. Anything
Genie. Yes whatever you want.
Murphy. I’d like a brand new Rolls Royce and a million pounds a year to spend.
Genie. Easy it will be done, and your third wish
Murphy. I’d like to return home to the Emerald Isle.
Genie. Easy, here’s a first class airline ticket.
Murphy. no, no I terrible afeared of flying.
Genie. OK a first class ship ticket.
Murphy. No, no I get terrible seasick
Genie. How can I get you there if you can’t fly or sail
Murphy. You’ll have to build me a bridge.
Genie. But it’s 90 miles across the sea nobody has ever built a bridge that long it’s impossible, you’ll have to choose another wish.
Murphy thinks.
Give me the power to understand women.
Genie. How long did we say that bridge was going to be

At last! My chance to be affronted and offended! Now where are my pearls?

The best Irish jokes are often told by the Irish themselves. They do have a great sense of humour!

Beckett

Oh dear looks like a couple of new members who mistakenly think GNs are easily shocked and upset. Are the schools on holiday?

Study leave I am guessing. Not hard to work out who will be dropping a few grades!

It’s so difficult to enjoy anything now. Everyone having to be careful about what they say and do. Maybe we shouldn’t have joke threads, if it’s going to be so censored.
We just can’t relax and do things anymore without someone being offended.
I get offended by blasphemy, and bad language, but I don’t see that being stopped. In fact it seems worse than ever, but it is what it is. I walk away, switch off, and forget about it.
I do love a good laugh, and I can’t see racism in jokes, unless they’re all targeting one type, and have malicious intent. These are clearly just meant to be funny.

Agree Disco, certainly about the blasphemy with the ‘ Oh my Godding’ and ‘ Jesus Christ’. No one seems to bat an eyelid at those.
Loved your joke about the couple in their nineties Maywalk. I noticed you said you are 92, so presumably the politically correct police will let that pass. If I’d said it....at 60, would I have been slated as ‘ ageist’?

I don't see where racism comes in.

There is surely nothing racist about speaking good Doric Scots or quoting Rabbie Burns.

92, so presumably the politically correct police will let that pass
Toadinthehole Sorry, but you're so wrong! Yes it will pass inspection by the PC police and certain GNetters, but mainly because of her ,please excuse the term, SEX.
I've tried to set up Jokes threads before, but it's hard work with attendant risks of being "deleted" or even sanctioned!
GreatNan was terrific, but even she would find it rough going these days; however, we must keep smiling!
OoRoo
.

Just in case you thought we'd all gone away....

T'isna Doric. There's nae Doric on ess threid, nane at a'

Rufus2

^92, so presumably the politically correct police will let that pass^
Toadinthehole Sorry, but you're so wrong! Yes it will pass inspection by the PC police and certain GNetters, but mainly because of her ,please excuse the term, SEX.
I've tried to set up Jokes threads before, but it's hard work with attendant risks of being "deleted" or even sanctioned!
GreatNan was terrific, but even she would find it rough going these days; however, we must keep smiling!
OoRoo
.

Sorry Rufus, could you say that again? When you say ‘ mainly because of her please excuse the term SEX’, you lost me!?

Music is coming out of the printer!
The paper's jamming again.

Omg - oh my golly-gosh! Rufus you said the S word ?. - this is all taking me back 60 odd years ....