Am I doomed to be a burden on my children?

I’ll read the full thread later, as I have to go out soon, but seeing the thread title, I couldn’t ignore (I started the thread yesterday about our three elderly parents and the stress that we feel) so I will say immediately, please God, do not let me be a burden on my children. I’ll be back later.

Polarbear I can see where your daughter is coming from, my mum coped very well on her own until around 87, the age her mother died, after that she and we were rather at sea, dealing with one crisis to the next. She lived to 94. She was genuinely surprised to still be around. I have never lived on my own, going from my parents house to my husband's flat and have no idea how I would be except I have the example of my mum to go by.

I hope I won't become a burden as I age. DM could have been but my siblings and I didn't allow her to although it was a worrying time and we were glad of each-other's support towards the end. She was housebound after a fall when she was 90 and lived in her own home with Carers coming in twice a day, for 3 years. We visited as often as we could but there was often guilt attached.
I watch friends struggling with their aged Ps who seem selfish and demanding.
MiL is in her 90s and still at home but with her AC taking turns to live with her. That is working for now. She isn't a difficult person but I guess if she became incontinent it would add an extra strain.
Oh dear. How will we know when we are a burden?

Pammiel you and your partner sound heroic!

I've downsized to a bungalow, and have researched local sheltered and nursing care for when I need it. I don't want either of my kids to feel they have to look after me. My aunt looked after my grandmother with barely disguised resentment.

My aunt is now 84 and enjoying good health, but relies on her very selfless neighbour for her shopping, putting her bin out etc. She invites my aunt in for lunch and cups of tea, she is more of a good friend to her. I don't know how she does it all, she helps my aunt, works full time, and her elderly parents need her too, they are constantly in and out of hospital.

Our youngest daughter is about to move to a village just 20 minutes away. DH and I think the children drew lots and she lost.

Dementia is my worst fear - having seen far too much of it in both my mother and my FiL.

However I have told dds very firmly that having done it myself, I do not ever want them looking after me - find me a reasonable care home or sort out carers, if I’m unable to do it myself.
Plus my H&W power of attorney states clearly that if (God forbid) I get to the stage where I’m unable to care for myself, and speak with full mental capacity for myself, I emphatically do not want any life saving or life prolonging treatment.
Palliative care only, thank you.

Dementia is my worst fear too. Having seen relatives in that position I have thought I'd hate that to be me. There seems to be such a terrible loss of dignity although for one person I'm particular they have lived a long time with Dementia which has been the result of excellent care received in a care home.
Creaking bones and aches and pains don't feel to me at any rate like such a problem compared to that.

My dad had diabetes and thrombosis of the legs he retired early because of it. He would say to my mum she was to put him in care when he reached wheelchair stage. He was 6ft 3inches a large man and he didn’t expect any of us or my mum to manage him.
He had a massive stroke at home and died after three days.

My mum was victim of a brutal assault and was in hospital for a long stay. She ended up with dementia and in a care home both my parents were never demanding.

My Mum wasn't a burden but boy was she depressing, rarely got a good word out of her. She did have dementia, the repeat conversations
were always the gloomy ones,I visited her daily for 3 years,it aged
me. My siblings refused to visit said it was too depressing.

I have seen people spending years looking after elderly relatives at a great cost to their own health and that of partners. I would never want or expect my own family to do that. I hope to be able to pay for care in my own home should the need arise. It seems to me that great age often comes with a great cost.

Witzend me too and a Living will/advance decision lodged with my children and GP. Having lived through my Mum’s ten year dementia, constantly given antibiotics when bed bound and non alert until I put my foot down. DH and I have discussed this, both together and with my children.

It is not a given that elderly people will be demanding. It depends on circumstances, personality, experiences and I think also whether there is is any dementia rearing its head, possibly mild!

My mum lived with dreadful pain for years but was never demanding, never took anything for granted and was grateful for anything that was done for her. She died aged 87 years. I hope that I will manage to be the same

The last thing we want is to be looked after by our children! We’ll buy in services that we need rather than impose on our dc.

My mother is still pretty independent in her own home at 93yo. She is a concern to me, but she spent 20 years coping with her bad-tempered father who lived with us when I was a child, so I know she would never want to go down that route.

As others have noted, in previous generations women didn’t work outside the home and people didn’t live so long. I remember school friends having elderly relatives who were what was called ‘senile’ but they generally didn’t live more than a year or two, because the care wasn’t so good back then.

My mum lived to 92. She has said if Dad died first, she wanted to go into a home, and true to her word, when he died, she did. She had a new lease of life, with outings, people to talk to and no worries about cooking, shopping, washing, cleaning.
My parents were fiercely independent, and declined help. They did not want to be a burden. They supported each other, with the help of neighbours. I did what I could but I lived 70 miles away and had a demanding job.
I dont expect my children to look after me, but I hope they will take an interest in my welfare.

Leaving dementia in all its forms aside, as after all the dement are not exactly responsible for their actions, there is no reason to fear that we will turn into bitter, carping old women.

We simply start now being critical of these tendencies if they crop up in us.

Let's all try listening to ourselves for a week, and noting any unkind, uncharitable or unreasonable thing we say.

Listen to our tone of voice too - a perfectly polite remark can be hurtful if uttered in a sneering or belittling way.

Get out of the habit of moaning (if indeed you have the habit) most of us do complain incessantly about the weather or something else that we cannot change.

Years ago, I got tired of this kind of talk and suggested to DH that we may only moan on Wednesdays. It was meant as a joke, but he pretended to take it seriously.

Most of what we moan about is not worth hanging onto from Thursday morning until next Wednesday, so you will be surprised how quickly you get out of the habit of carping criticism that doesn't lead to anything positive at all.

You can choose any day of the week you like for moaning - it doesn't have to be Wednesday, but the point is YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MOAN ABOUT ANYTHING ON ANY OTHER DAY.

If you have a valid complaint, mention it pleasantly on any day you like.

I was talking to an older person 30 years ago, she said that it was good I had a daughter because she could look after me when I got old. I was quite shocked but realize now that is how it was, as previous posters have pointed out. Women didn’t work at that time and were expected to look after not only the young but the older generation.
I have a very small pension but I hope that the little I have be able to invest, will pay for when I need looking after. Maybe that is wishful thinking but I do want to keep my dignity with my daughters and not be a burden.

Good ideas grandtanteJE65, I will keep them in mind and put them into practice.

I try to keep in good health but know it is down to luck, good genes and lifestyle.

In the OP Polarbear says that her daughter thinks that today’s very old have no terms of reference since they didn’t have to look after very old parents themselves. I think that she’s right. My mother is 93 years old, but her mother died when my mother was 56, so my mother never had to deal with demanding behaviour. I’m 68 so a full twelve years older. My other grandparents all died long before they got to a their eighties to no problem there. My husband’s parents are aged 93 and 94 and can no longer look after themselves. They refuse totally to consider a care home, not seeing how their selfish refusal impacts hugely on their children, all aged 65-70, who have to visit twice each day to cook their food and do cleaning around the house. Their own parents died before reaching those ages and they never had to care for elderly parents themselves.
We know how this demanding and selfish behaviour impacts on other people and will not want to repeat this behaviour, so yes, I absolutely think these very old people, none of whom have dementia, are extremely selfish because they never had to deal with these difficulties like we do. Having three very elderly parents when you’re in your late sixties in absolutely no joke. It’s a drain and a prevention to enjoying your own retirement.

grandtanteJE65 brilliant advice. I absolutely agree. I’ve already adopted that attitude whenever I can and am working on my OH to be more positive too.
It’s all tough I know. A good sense of humour helps and large glass of wine once home.
Seaside was lovely btw. Sunny and good fun with the GCs. I’ll tell mum I spent the day cleaning up when I see her tomorrow. Secrets and lies ?‍♀️?

I worked as a gardener for many years, mostly keeping up the gardens of people who had become too elderly or ill to tend them themselves. I was part of a happy army of cleaners, handymen, hairdressers etc employed to ensure people could stay in their own homes.

For some time this was just fine and then inevitably the client grew older or suffered health problems and I would watch their children have to take on more and more responsibility to ensure their parent(s) could 'keep their independence'. The often working adult children would have to do all the arranging of the army of workers, shopping, the financial side, care side and would be run ragged and sometimes at the end of their energy and tether.

The truth was the clients weren't independent, they were entirely dependent.

I suppose the key is to have the ability, insight and strength to admit when the point comes that we can't be truly independent and to make a decision/move then.

In the OP Polarbear says that her daughter thinks that today’s very old have no terms of reference since they didn’t have to look after very old parents themselves. I think that she’s right.

I don't think you can generalise, added to which which generations are we talking about?

Am I today's very old? If so, yes, we cared for parents all of whom lived well into their eighties. My aunt cared for my maternal grandparents; she was a widow so she and her young daughter lived with them.

We don't want to be a burden but how do we know? I don't want to go into a home either but will I have a choice?

Moorland Mooner - such a good post, thank you.

My own father died when he was 64, my FIL at 75. Mum lived to 92, getting very frail but still in her own home with support from my sister and me, with shopping, meals, laundry, bathing. She had a fall and died in hospital four days later. MIL died at 88, reasonably able to look after herself, she was found dead beside the bed by my DH after neighbours were concerned one morning she hadn’t drawn her curtains.

It sounds totally selfish, the last two deaths were 17 and 16 years ago, but now we are in our late 60’s, and reading through all these posts, I feel huge relief that our ageing parents died how they did. Better for us, and so much better for them.

It’s all very well people living to great ages thanks to modern medicines and treatments, but quality of life, for themselves and their families, is important.

With my own mum, and at her own instigation, we were making enquiries about a care home for her just before she died, as it was getting to the stage she couldn’t be left alone for very long. I’m so glad it never actually reached that point.

There is another part to this. Caring is a skill particularly in regard to dementia. Many many people fo not have the skills for this, this is not a criticism, it is often very bad for everyone involved.

My gran (b1890s) lived to 95, my great aunt (b 1900s) to 97. While my mum visited regularly and did bits of weekly shopping, there was sheltered housing with a resident warden, council support, wonderful neighbours to supplement that support.
And affordable residential care.
The sense of community may have improved because of Covid, but it's not what it was 30 years ago.

Two of my great-grandparents lived to their 90s. One lived with 2 daughters alternately, the other lived with her son and Dil (the Dil also being one of the aforementioned daughters, my grandmother). My darling gran, already resentful at having been cheated out of a good education pre-WW1 because she was the girl not the boy, was really quite unpleasant to her Mil.