purplepaint, smileless, starlady…….. I've thought about this way of handling the gc in this situation, and I would like to play the devils advocate if I may?
Whilst I can see there is a logic or straightforwardness in telling the children your version of the truth.
It is still only one side.
Could it also be (mis?) construed as brain washing the children when they were young enough not to question their parents perspective?
Its very hard for a child to form another point of view from the one they are given.
How do they gain a balanced perspective to make a informed decision?
I don't say this was what you did Purplepaint, not at all.
Its just the nature of the beast.
Estrangement means the influence of differing opinions is narrowed.
That's exactly what the parents who do this want.
Its said over and over, 'I do not want this person in my life because of their behaviour'
Part of their behaviour is the opinions and beliefs they hold.
If the gchildren are being actively stopped from seeing that not everyone feels and behaves the same as their parents.
Or to put it another way, when they see what happens to people who don't agree with their parents, what message does that send?
Don't rock the boat.
purplepaint...nothing I am saying is trying to criticise you or your situation, I do hope you see that. You made the best of your circumstances and I respect that.
Smileless….maybe your ES and dil are boxing clever when they don't talk infront of S2?
Perhaps they don't want him or you knowing exactly what they do say to gs's, because it's biased (lies) against you?
To be more charitable perhaps ES is ashamed (underneath everything) of his behaviour and caught between his wife (who obviously feels one way) and brother (who feels another) and tried to close the conversation with his children down, because he couldn't answer them properly?
You are the best judge of their possible motives!
Sorry to hijack the thread.
The op asked why is this (threats of estrangement) so common?
Because more people feel their priorities take precedence over their children.
They think what's good for them is good for their children.
Children have become an extension of the parents personalities, rather than a member of a (family) community. Each of whom has differing needs, at different times to other members of that community, imv anyway!
Notwithstanding (although I suppose I must emphasise it) dangerous or cruel people should (naturally) be dealt with differently.
My rambling is over, Thank you for listening/reading those who have!
I'm ducking for cover now (grin)