Competitive Grandma!

I'm in much the same position, Magsie. DIL's mother is determind to be best grandma, and she lives much closer so sees the children more often that I do.

Early on, I took a conscious decision NOT to enter this particular competition and to do with the children what I enjoy (and I hope they do).

Sometimes smiling sweetly when told about she has been doing with them is a real challenge but I'm gradually getting better.

If I look back, I think one of my own grandmother's always wanted to be a 'favourite', but she's not the one whose standards have meant the most in my life.

Kids see more than we give them credit for, I had a favourite grandma and it was not the one who gave more financially, it was the one who played with us, told us stories and spent time with us and who instilled the morals I live by today, I would hope that the person I am today would live up to her high standard's and have made her proud.

I think one of the best things any Granparent can do, its what my Grandma did for me. She was my haven of peace and calm. Time at home was a bit grim but I could either write to her and get it out my system and then I was able to spend some of my school holidays with her. When I was older she lived nearby and it was lovely just to visit and sit for a lovely long chat knowing that she would listen without judging or without anything going any further. No money was involved, just pure unconditional love.

Thanks ladies, I do think we are right not to compete but as Mrs JamJam says, smiling sweetly and saying "You are lucky" can be difficult at times!

I too have a similar situation Magsie, in that my DD is divorced and her son (my GS) goes to stay with his Dad and his family every weekend and comes home with stories of what wonderful things they have done at the weekend. We can't do such amazing things as he is at school and has after school clubs, so time is limited. I too am very careful to smile sweetly and say "how lovely" but it is not easy. I just make sure he knows he is loved, give him lots of cuddles and time, and be there for him. There is, as you say, no point in competing.....

Grandma wars!

Wars are a really bad idea for grandchildren, even though one has to keep smiling on occasions when it is difficult.

When my first grandson was born, I thought that I was destined to be "the other gran", since my daughter's mother-in-law lived close and was to take part in the childminding. But I was lucky - it never worked out that way.

And I shouldn't feel proud, and I have certainly never mentioned it to other grandmother or even my daughter, but there was an occasion when my grandson had been describing the fun he had had with other gran, and I told him how lucky he was to have two sets of grandparents to spend time with. "Yes", he said matter-of-factly, "but you're the best".

Even if he were only being tactful, I still enjoy the memory of that moment.

When did all this change? My parents were fairly involved with my kids because I was also divorced and gave me a lot of support but I left it to their father to do the visits with his parents. Any visits, as I recall, were spasmodic... And my own grandparents were 'there' somewhere in the background and only seen on the odd occasion ... they certainly didn't want to be involved in our upbringing nor volunteered for babysitting us and gifts were only for Christmas and birthdays... when did grandparenting become a more involved activity?

Interesting question, that, mollie. I guess when women went back to work after they'd had children? I've often wondered what will happen with the next generation where all of the grandmothers will probably be working full time as well. Also, when mine were young, there was a greater support network from friends with children of the same age,but, again, they all work. More pressure these days to have perfect homes and look perfecty groomed when one has small children as well.[I spent several years always having a nappy pin attached to my clothes somewhere]. It's a bit like the question of why we have so many labour saving devices and yet still have less free time!

Don't play the game! Children are not stupid and they know.
What counts is the amount of time with them, playing with them, reading to them ,listening to them and understanding them-that is what makes for a good relationship.
My hairdresser was saying only last week (a young girl) that she always goes to her grandmother with a problem as her grandmother is very wise.

MAGSIE you definitely are thinking right!! My problem is that one lot of my grandchildren are entertained up to the hilt by their parents and kept occupied at all times - fun parks, cinema, sports etc. infact everything that costs money. This has made it difficult for us when it's come to our turn to do the entertaining. BUT we have discovered that they do, to our surprise, enjoy the other end of the spectrum. We are fortunate to live near the sea so a day on the beach goes down well. We go on lots of picnics, do bird spotting, play in streams etc. Many times, after a day with us, the children have renmarked on how much they have enjoyed themselves. Believe me, I think your time is more memorable to them than any of the other stuff !!!! You have no reason to feel bad.

Generalising a bit here, but when I was young, children "played out" often roaming far & wide. Parents are not keen to let children do this now and maybe they feel they have to entertain them more. I think my grandchildren quite enjoy just having a rest at our house as they are usually on the go all the time.
We try to be laid back and not make a fuss if we don't see them for a while. Sometimes I think that backfires on us because the other grandparents do make a fuss and make sure they get their "rights" (as they call them).

I do agree with you Magsie that it is not possible for children to have the freedom that we had as children. We also aim to be laid back and I know that all the grandchildren enjoy being with us. My DH is 73 but I don't think our children appreciate our age and the fact that our stamina is somewhat waining! One of my DIL's once complained that we didn't have the children enough as though it was her right to have them looked after more regularly. We have 2 families of grandchildren so have to be fair with our time.
The one family where the children are more energetic and need occupying more unfortunately don't go to schools nearby and so in the holidays are not near their friends for playing with. As long as I turned up at lunch and tea times I don't think Mum worried too much about me. I was always up or down the road in a friend's house playing. Another reason why the Mum of this family is reluctant to get friends round to play is the fact that the house is in a state of chaos.
Situations seem very different now.