Would you see GC without your partner - DIL needing help!

In order to safeguard your child, you are right to protect him from being caught in the crossfire of violent behaviour, and if you explain in these terms to MIL, she can make that informed decision for herself - or is she also a victim of this man's nasty temper? If she has her wits about her, she would not want to give him such an opportunity for violence again in your house. It's hard for her, but she must decide whether to accept your hospitality on her own - I wouldn't entertain this man in my house.

Just read it again and realised this happened in their house - same applies, though - invite her to yours and don't allow your child near this violent man. Your DH could visit them without the child if he wishes - adults can decide for themselves.

What a tricky situation! In your shoes I would not want SFIL anywhere near. He was happy to suggest you were not welcome, so he should accept that he is not welcome at your place. My main concern is that his bad temper and violence may then be directed towards his wife - is this a possibility?If she feels free to visit you without him she will enjoy being with her grandson without the possibility of arguments.
You sound like a wonderful, caring Mum and DIL. I hope things work out amicably for you.

funnyface,your DS need to be protected from this type of behaviour, invite your MIL but make clear SFIL is not welcome, but I would also mention that you feel the relationship between GP and GC is very important and leave your MIL to decide if she is willing to give up contact for her H.

Thank you so much for your replys and the reassurance i needed not to let SFIL be involved with my DS.

I do not think (and really hope) that SFIL would not take this out on MIL and as my DHs elder brother still lives at home I am sure he would not let him.

I am expecting the usual weekly call from MIL at some point before Monday and just wanted to check I was being reasonable before explaining how I feel to her.

Again thank you so much for the advice.

Could you let us know how the phone call goes please? I am sure we shall all be thinking of you and hoping for the best outcome.

Funnyface, I think deep down you know what is right. Any one who uses violence or the threat of violence to try to get what they want is always going to be a huge problem that is probably best avoided. Bullies have a way of making out that its everyones elses's problem (hence his assertion that you are the trouble maker.

On an even simpler level, you are the baby's Mum so how you bring up your child and with whom he mixes is down to you are his father.

I wish you all the best and hope all goes well for you.

SHYSAL - of course i will let you know how it goes, hopefully it will go well enough that i will not need more advice.

UPDATE - sorry it has been a while I am afraid with Xmas and the fact my DS is now crawling at top speed and pulling himself up on everything means I have hardly had a minute to myself to let you know what is happening.

Unfortunatly my MIL has no come to see my DS since the start of December even thou we have invited her here (note: SFIL was not invited). She has told my DH that she has not told SFIL that he is not welcome anymore. Not been able to tell him myself nor has my DH as he does not have a mobile and never answers the landlane.

I suspect MIL doesnt want SFIL to know he isnt welcome after his behaviour and so is avoiding coming on her own so he doesnt become aware of the situation.

I feel that MIL is missing out on seeing DS as he is at that age where he is doing new things all the time, like i mentioned the crawling, pulling up, solids, teeth etc but I just feel she is trying to ignore the issue until we give in about SFIL.

My DH is fed up with it and says it is her choice about if she calls or not but I feel I should try and encourage her to see DS so they can form a relationship.

I don't know what is the correct thing to do in this situation, but if someone doesn't answer the phone/doesn't have a mobile, couldn't you write a letter if you want to tell them something? Still a valid means of communication .

You are doing all the right things - maybe tempers are still too high for your MIL to feel able to come to you on her own. She is torn between her 2 "men" after all isn't she? In her shoes I know what i would do, but that is up to her. Surely a "girlie" lunch or tea could be tried? Then you might graduate to your DH being there too. Good luck, it is reassuring to hear of a DD or DIL actually bridge-building instead of the other tragedies of grandparents being excluded form ther GCs lives.

Thank you for the suggestion - i did say on our christmas thank you notes to MIL that we would like to see her and included a photo of DS and gave her my new mobile number but never heard anything.

I may try again with just a letter about her seeing DS rather then it included in another note incase she thought it was just an afterthought and not genuine.

You're doing all you can, Funnyface. I'll bet that your MIL has put those notes and the wee photo safely away. It's just of of those things that may take a bit of time, perhaps, because of her husband's unreasonable behaviour. Maybe try sending a pretty card the next time, with an update on the little lad's progress? Cards are less formal than letters, perhaps?