to visit at xmas or not?

Sorry for all you are feeling. No, not been in that situation but have sometimes gone to things I really didn't want to and ,surprisingly, have felt better afterwards for forcing myself to go. Last Friday was an example. Maybe the 'happy face' would not be so difficult when you are there with family?

Hi red1 - apparently when you are feeling low if you make yourself smile - even though it's false - your brain is fooled and believes that you are feeling fine. So if you go to visit your family at Christmas and do lots of smiling - even though at first you maybe won't be feeling like it - you will soon find yourself feeling much happier. It might sound weird but I have read about this on more than one occasion. Good Luck

Hello Red1 - been in a similar position for a year now and have become an anxious recluse. Please try and make the effort to go to Ireland Red1 - I'm now having to face taking medication for panic attacks - you do not want to go down this route. Believe me being part of family and general buzz of getting out is far better than sitting day after day wondering what to do. Go Red1 - you will never regret it.

I know the sadess of losing a much loved pet and I understand your SAD situation. However, I think you should go and be with your family over the festive season. It will distract you from your loss and also it will do you good to have a change of scenery. It's easy to wallow in your own unhappiness. Just be yourself when you're there and I think you'll be surprised how much better you will feel when you're with your son. You can be on your own any time.

You should go. If you stay at home you’ll still be miserable, at least if you are with your family you will be distracted and you may find you enjoy being with them.

We're all different and I think personally it would make me feel ill thinking about my pet.
My loss was quite different in that when my husband died I joined my family in Oz for Christmas of that same year 8 months later-------big mistake as I'd flown out in the September then began to feel homesick really badly. I stuck it out until Christmas Eve when I phoned to change my flight and decided to fly out that afternoon.
Landing at Heathrow at 6am the sense of relief was overwhelming and more so when I got the connecting flight to Manchester. Nobody,not even my daughter in Oz will ever understand that feeling that came over me when I'd wanted to return home suddenly. I was in the UK,for another Christmas Eve----weird.
As I'd said,we're all different.

I’m sorry you’re so down at the moment. Losing your dog was a huge blow. If you can please try going. It’s a short flight, your family will care for you once you arrive and as others have said, it may well lift your spirits. Sometimes pretending to be happy (as I did for part of yesterday) means feeling lighter, even if just for a little while.

Sometimes these things are better in reality than they are in prospect. I think you should book the air ticket, gird up your loins and go!

I’m sorry you are feeling so low. I think you should go. Years ago I booked a holiday on my own. It was the first time I had ever had a solo holiday, and I wasn’t looking forward to it. However, I told myself it would only be four days, and if I enjoyed it it would be four happy days, and if I didn’t it would only be four miserable days. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Book for a short period, so that you know you will only be there for a few days if it isn’t fun. I think you will enjoy being with family far more than being alone at what can be a pretty depressing time of year. Buy yourself something nice to wear on Christmas Day, choose some lovely presents for the family, and you will be surprised at how your spirits are lifted.

You are very understandably feeling low, so everything seems like an effort, but I would make it all the same. If you stay at home you will feel bad about not going and you will not be giving yourself a chance to feel any glimmer of joy. The way you are feeling now is called 'anhedonia' - it is a natural reaction to loss, but it will pass. If it goes on too long, you need to visit the doc.

I think you may have made your decision? Have a quiet one and go in the new Year. Maybe chat to a counsellor in the meantime.

If you can still get on a flight, you won't regret it. When you are in a sad, depressed mood it is difficult to make a decision, but sitting alone with your sadness won't make you feel any better, whereas, with your family round you, even if you can't join in the merriment, you will, at least, be distracted. Be happy that they want you there.

If you stay at home and don't go you will just be miserable and miss your dog. If you make yourself go you will join in the festivities, see your ds and family who may be quite worried about you, and time will go quicker. You may even find you enjoy yourself. Please don't just give up and stay home and be miserable and sad. By going you will also make your son happy.

I think you have good advice here, red1 go for a few days to be with your family, they will only worry about you otherwise. Look at getting some help for your low mood either GP or counselling.
I'm sorry you lost your dog , they are such a huge part of our lives aren't they. Hope you feel better soon.

I'm so sorry about your dog, it's very hard to lose a beloved pet.

I think you should plan to go to visit your son. As others say, it's a short time and the change of scene could make a world of difference.

You could build an 'escape' plan into your holiday, so you could fly home early if you felt you'd made the wrong decision. Best wishes.

many thanks for your replies, the grief/SAD thing certainly distorts my thinking for sure,misery loves its own company! Im going to do my utmost to book a ticket,also thanks sue for your advice on an 'escape plan'

There was an item on You and Yours today about how the last people to seek help from their doctor when depressed are older people. They had a lady in her 80s on the program, saying how she was brought up to think people with mental problems, just lacked moral fibre and that she made several appointments to tell the doctor, and then chickened out and presented with physical problems.

Finally when she had a breakdown she was seen by a psychatrist, which she described as the best thing that happened to her. She has had treatment, mainly talking therapy, works well with older people, She now finds, in her 80s, she was starting to live.

red1, your first stop is to talk to your GP about how low you are feeling. Do you really have SAD or are you just blaming that for a far more intractable depression, made worse by loosing your dog?

Once you have seen your GP and got some help, rethink Christmas and talk to your family, but like others I think you would be better off with company rather than alone at Christmas [flowers}

is the alternative being alone? Just wondered.

Redl, what you describe has been for me an ever-recurring problem. My kind relatives do make me welcome however I am bored at their houses at Christmas, in fact I prefer my own home at all times. I feel that as far as I myself am concerned modern Christmas merriment is for children not old people.

Last Christmas in response to kind invitations I told them I prefer a quiet time at home and they were not offended. As for food I like fried egg with ketchup on toast more than turkey.

PS Redl. I hope you are able to get another dog. My lurcher is possibly my last dog. If she goes before I am disabled I will be looking out for an old dog like myself who likes to lie down a lot and does not bite etc.

Remind yourself that so many people would so love to be invited by family for Xmas but they are estranged for whatever reason and it breaks their heart. You are very lucky so please make the effort to go and get some counselling if it would help ?

Red1, the flight to Ireland is short - less than an hour - so you might find this to be easier than the ferry. My advice is to take good care of yourself as much as possible while you travel. If you can make sure that your journey to/from the airport is easy (have a lift from a friend. or use a taxi) - then this could help? I hope that you can come to a decision which works out happily for you.

Sounds like the perfect opportunity to give xmas a miss and maybe go over to visit in Jan / Feb instead. ( Xmas is stressful and over rated at the best of times.)

redL......The part of you that would like to see your family might feel even sadder if you don't go to see them. It's a short flight and you could ask for some assistance at the airport if you feel the travelling is a bit too much for you. This you would have to ask for at the time of booking. .
I am very sorry you've lost your lovely dog but you were so lucky to have had him/her for 16 years but I'm sorry that you had to watch him decline. My lovely dog was gone in just one week, he was 14 so I do understand what you're feeling.
When Christmas is over you could consider having a rescue dog, there are loads of lovely dogs just waiting for someone like you to come and rescue them. We were lucky that we has 2 dogs so we still have one, he is 12.
I think you should go but only if you really want to and not just to please your son. Bear in mind that the the sooner you book your flight the cheaper it will be as prices rise the nearer you get Christmas.