Am I being selfish or is my husband being selfish?

I am wondering if I have done my husband a disservice.
He is very easy to live with and we do have a one week holiday in a rented cottage each year. We are both happy to do this because the dogs come with us. This year, it is Anglesey.
I suggested a cruise because our 40th is so special and we have been on cruises in the past and left previous dogs in kennels.
One thing this thread has shown me is that I would be wrong to insist on a cruise because we would not enjoy it, if he would be worrying about the dogs. He won't leave them in the care of someone else.
He has no objection to me going abroad and in recent years I have been to America, Cuba, Italy, Malta and New Zealand without him. This year I am going to Australia with friends.

This thread has helped me to recognise how lucky I am. It is just a question of finding the right way in which to celebrate our 40th.
Thank you to everyone who has contributed, your thoughts and suggestions. They have really helped me to realise that a cruise would be wrong.

I have friends who have a dog, they take it to Europe in campervan, they stay at hotels that take dogs and they come self catering sometimes, staying in a place that caters for dogs. Recently they came out to the far east with us for a month and the dog stayed with a relative and then their son. It didn't seem to bother their dog one bit. So what is the problem.

Maybe a nice near self-catering cottage that accepts dogs?

" Why insist he has to do something he obviously doesn`t want to do ." said f77ms
But why should dollyjo have to keep repeatedly doing what she doesn't want to do, at the insistence of her husband?
There needs to be discussion about the situation, in general, not just the anniversary.

HildaW agree with you, also coming up to a significant anniversary, my oh asked if I had any thoughts on how to celebrate it? We both decided to spend a couple of days away in this country doing what we both like, cycling with a wonderful meal to round it off. I must admitt we have been lucky with no bad times to speak off, We both have respect for each other which I think is one the most important thing in a marriage, we also share the driving, cooking, cleaning and decision making!

Jalima Sat 25-Mar-17 20:02:36 so true!

Am with you Barmyoldbat.......celebrating a Wedding Anniversary must surely be about the quality not just the longevity. My OH and I went through a bit of a dismal patch a few years ago and we worked through it in our usual understated way - we were coming up to a significant date and we marked a sort of new beginning by buying me a new wedding ring. No great celebrations or anything, just a mutual acknowledgement that we had worked our way through a few problems and this was the next stage. We both had our say without dragging up past slights (well not too many as its difficult to unsay things), realised we definitely wanted to be together, where we wanted to go and got on with it.

DH is severely disabled and recognises that he can no longer get out and about. I desperately need a break and would love to do some short city breaks, walk a long-distance path, camping on YH on way, etc, but would feel rotten not being with him. Both he and DS have no hesitation in encouraging me to get some me time and I keep promising myself that yes, I'll do it, but then feel "maybe next year". But if you can, wish and agree with him/her, do your own thing and don't blame one another or feel guilty.

This is not just about the dogs, its about the whole relationship and the lack of compromise and respect from the husband who won't do this or the other despite the work load falling on his wife's shoulders , he appears to haveo thought whatsoever for her feelings. I am sorry but I don't agree that he is a lovely man, just a man who is good at getting his own way.

Kim19 there are many threads, like this one, that don't involve GC or being grandparents so that is why people may take part. Also at the top of the forum it refers to an online cafe where people who may be lonely or not have an appropriate person to share a problem with can open a chat.

But like you not sure if I would have signed up if I didn't have GC.

As for OP this has been the situation for a long time and I think if the dogs are left it won't be a good holiday as he will be constantly thinking about the dogs. It is our 50th this year and I know my husband will only want to go out for a nice meal together. I have suggested other things but I really can't be bothered to push for anything as it will cause problems and won't be enjoyable. We have spent 50 years celebrating together so I will just leave it at that.

Is this really about dogs, or your relationship?? you need to spend more quality time together, with or without the dogs

It really sounds as if you DH does not want to go abroad and not just because of the dogs . There are so many alternative ways you could celebrate which does not include finding care for the dogs , I don`t see the problem . Why insist he has to do something he obviously doesn`t want to do . I think he mentioned the party as it was the least disruptive and 1) He wouldn`t have to go abroad 2) He wouldn`t have to find care for the dogs which can be difficult . Most people just go out for a celebratory meal out with family for an anniversary . You may have to accept that you go on holiday with friends / family from now on .

I wouldn't dream of putting my doggie in any form of care apart from me for a holiday and would not go abroad because of this. I can see his point of view. He probably will not enjoy it if he is away from his beloved dogs. Cut him some slack. He is a very loving, caring pet owner by what is being said about him. That is a quality to be cherished, not got at.

I am only thinking of using someone to care for my doggie in the extreme case of my son not being able to do it or a friend when I go into hospital, which is unavoidable. But I wouldn't enjoy a holiday without my Maggie and I wouldn't go, especially on a cruise. But then I wouldn't want a party neither.

There are lots of things you could both do, a balloon flight, helicopter ride, go to the races/Wimbledon (depending where you live), have a spa day together, go for a photo session.

Have a look on the Red Letter Days and see if any of them take your fancy. And Congratulations.

Marriage is always negotiation and compromise, do hope you can talk this out so you can both be happy with the final decision. Many Hotels prefer dogs to children, why would the dogs need to scratch a hotel room door, they sleep in your room and if they are disturbed in the night you would know immediately. There are some lovely dog friendly hotels, we ususlly leave ours in the car whilst we eat, but some offer you eating areas where the dogs can be with you along with dog friendly lounges. Hotels offer you extras like swimming pools and spas whilst your OH walks the dogs.

I agree with barmyoldbat. You say he is a lovely husband yet you tell us that the dogs always come first.

He won't go abroad / drive the motorhome in the UK / drive long distances in the UK / drive an automatic car / put the dogs in kennels while you holiday / stay anywhere without the dogs / stay in a dog-friendly hotel / accept anyone else looking after the dogs.

The upshot of all this is that you holiday without him or on stays where you do all the driving and also have housework and cooking to do. You are never able to have a relaxing break with your husband.

Explain to your DH that you would like to have a holiday with him, with or without the dogs but without housework, and ask him to think about how that could be arranged.

Today is our 39th wedding anniversary and I'm already thinking about a cruise for next years 40th. We have had dogs,sometimes two together all our married life until we lost our last dog to old age over a year ago. I have no thought about having another dogs we both have taken early retirement and having to be back home for a dog a certain times would really restrict me now. My daughter has two so I get my dog love from then. I really would be upset if hubby refused to leave the dogs for one special holiday. We put human feelings onto dogs but really as long as they're treated well ,exercised and fed they won't care who looks after them, ours always went to kennels and although they were pleased to see us it never traumatized them. When we had children we had the odd weekend away on our own with gran taking care of the children because everyone needs a break. I think your husband is being very unfair we all love our pets but spouses come first and especially for a special occasion, The dogs will survive and will forget about being left five minutes after you come home again.

LewLew I think the more you put off doing these things or finding excuses for not doing them, the worse the fears get.

You talk about compromise but I can't see any compromise on his part in your postings, it seems to be all about his needs. You really need to tell him how you feel and get your life changed. For my part I can see no attraction in the life you have at the moment. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

I think Pamish Sat 25-Mar-17 13:24:02 might be on to something.

Perhaps he is afraid to travel outside the UK. Some people develop phobias about international travel in the current 'terror' climate as they get older and I know people who say they will not fly, nor will they travel to certain countries, even in Europe because of refugee problems, etc. Yes, these ideas may be unfounded, but age can affect confidence.

Another friend worries about catching intestional viruses on cruise ships. Still another hates the idea of driving in a foreign country.

I think you need to find out what is really going on and work around that. Perhaps a short organised escorted tour is a compromise. But only if you can get to the root of the issue.

I don't think it's a good idea to surprise him with something that he has said he doesn't want. It's a risk and it may backfire. I would suggest a fancy meal somewhere and a long weekend somewhere dog friendly.

Well he obviously doesn't know the word "compromise". You seem well clued up on what he won't do, what WILL he do?
A friend of mine dog sits in her home (large garden)for a couple of weeks at a time - would he accept something like that arrangement.
If not then I'm afraid I would say "you obviously prefer the dogs to me so I'm going to leave you to them and have a great holiday, doing what I want, on my own/with a friend (substitute as appropriate)."
We have friends who very rarely holiday together so it's not that unusual.

Oh dear, I just want you both to go on having a happy marriage! If you want any sort of party don't have one. Tell your husband that and try to find something you would both enjoy. Maybe the dogs are just an excuse and he would really hate a cruise. Could you have a lovely break in a dog-welcoming hotel to celebrate and then you have your cruise at another time? I do hope you reach a compromise.

There are parties and parties. Get a local company to do it - all. Food, kitchen staff, front door duty and serving duty staff. It means you can really talk to your guests for once. Expensive but a rare treat.

Luckyfour
Dogs before people always

There is a beautiful hotel in Donegal called Harveys Point. My friends go, and they can take their dog. The scenery is stunning and the food at the hotel is first class. Maybe think of going somewhere like that?