Bringing husband home after a lengthy stay in hospital

I agree with most posters - it sounds as if, in the long run, it will be too hard for you, looking after your DH at home. Can he not go to a nursing home now, with the intention of seeing how it works out? He may in fact feel more secure knowing that medical help is aways at hand.

Are there any rehab places in your area? I survived a stroke at a younger age, was also paralysed down my Left side amongst other problems and although no longer needing medical care I needed a lot of help. I don’t know if your husband has similar or worse brain damage to me, but being younger I had more chance of recovering and benefited from neurophysio therapy. The way he is now isn’t necessarily how he’ll be in a few months time, with the right sort of help. If there is a residential rehab place go for it. Going forward, before considering coming home there should be a full care assessment done including any adjustments that may be needed to your home. Please make sure your own needs are met, brain injury is not easy for anyone to cope with.

My mother, disabled by a stroke, was always 'convalescing', never 'resident' in care homes. It helped her mental wellbeing to regard it as temporary.

'Permanent resident' status (with all it's implications for benefits/funding etc.) is optional for the first year - so never tick it on a form. They keep that very quiet!

(read and digest)

www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs58_paying_for_short-term_and_temporary_care_in_a_care_home_fcs.pdf

Hetty I like that, your mother ‘convalescing ‘ in a care home. Must really have helped with her mental wellbeing.

We told MIL that she was in the Nursing Home just ‘until she was better’ , although she thought that she was in a Hotel most of the time, after a couple of months she thought it was her own house and she was being Lady Bountiful letting all these old people stay with her, this explained why at first she kept wandering into their rooms.
Sadly she passed away during the first Lockdown But it was a white lie and it made her happier than the truth.

annsixty is spot on - both she and I have been through this with our husbands.

Some thoughts from me:-

1. He should not be discharged without a "package of care" in place and all the necessary equipment. Hospitals are legally obliged to make sure that this is set up before discharge.

2. He should be entitled to 3 weeks of interim care, i.e. free rehab care at home with carers and physios going in. Please ask about this.

3. Caring for someone at home is very hard indeed, and even with carers coming in it is still hard for lots of reasons - each one does things differently and my OH found this very disruptive as did I; the quality of the carers varies enormously; you will find yourself doing things in the night and losing sleep. If you organise carers to come in please make sure they are not just covering basic care, but also time out for you.

4. I tried live-in care, but this did not work out as he needed two to transfer safely.

5. My OH went into a nursing home eventually where he had excellent care and we were all able to visit and spend good time with him, free from dealing with pads, catheters, bum-wiping etc. etc. That was all done so we could just enjoy tome with him - although his mind was very disturbed so it was not really enjoyable.

6. It is fine to put your needs into the decision-making process - you still matter and you cannot care for him if you are tired and feeling very understandably resentful, I am finding it hard to pick up the threads of my life even though he was in a nursing home for the last 5 months of his life.

7. Think about how his care might be funded. Please be assured that the value of your home is ignored completely during these calculations as you are living there. Try the Age UK site for a good summary of what is available in the way of finance - www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/

There are two sources of funding: one is via Social Services and the other is via the Health Authority if his needs are primarily health ones. For detailed information and advice about the health authority source try Beacon - www.beaconchc.co.uk

Please feel free to pm me for any advice if you need to. This is all very recent for me and if I can help you with shortcuts to getting what you need then I would be happy to do this.

Dorsetcupcake61 Sat 19-Dec-20 09:04:45
A very difficult and heartbreaking decision.
My late much loved father moved in with me when my mother died. He had vascular dementia. For the first year it was fine,carers came in to help him dress etc which I felt was nicer for him. Then he was unwell and spent over two months in hospital. When he came out he had lost his mobility and his dementia had worsened.
This was the end of 2015 and social care was already struggling. As I have always worked in care I had the experience to support with hoisting etc. My lounge was turned into a bedroom with hoists and a commode and a hospital bed. I would be up at 6.30am to make sure everything was ready for the carers. We would wash and dress dad and hoist him into a recliner chair for breakfast. After lunch carers would come back so we could hoist him on to the bed for a change of position/rest. At tea time they would return and we would host him back into the chair for evening. Around 9.pm carers returned and we would get dad ready for bed. I slept on sofa as although we had a sensor mat his dementia meant he forgot he couldnt walk/mobilise. My me time was a 20 minute shower every other day. We were allowed so many free hours when a carer who knew dad would sit with him so I could go out,but it was limited. I was lucky in that his care company were excellent and provided a core group of carers so we worked well together and got into a good routine. It wasnt unexpected as he had been very unwell but Dad died after being at home for 3 months. I dont regret and would do it again in a heartbeat. That said I was in my mid 50s and with a lot of experience of care and the care system and by the end I was on my knees.
That was in 2015/16 under current conditions I dread to think what is available with regards to social/home care.
So much depends on your personal circumstances and how much support your husband needs both now and in the future.
How accessible is your home for your husband? Will you be using the services of a local council or can you afford private carers? Carers have specific time slots ,will you be able to support your husband if he needs help at other times? It will be isolating. Good friends will support you and visit,some feel awkward or uncomfortable.
I'm assuming some things havent changed and before your husband is discharged a care and support package should be in place including an assessment for you as a carer.
Due to current restrictions it must be very difficult for you to have an accurate picture of how your husband is ,and also how you both relate to each other. Does he have the capacity to be part of the decision?
Whatever you decide will be so hard,and there will be guilt. For a while I felt guilty that I had not done enough or my exhaustion showed.
Everyone is different. Dont be hard on yourself if you dont feel you would be able to cope. Family can be supportive but you are the one who is there 24/7. There are some wonderful care homes out there and dedicated carers. Make sure you check the CQC report.
I wish you all the best and hope it works out well. It's a difficult decision at the best of times but the complexities of Covid have made it more so.?

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That's just and

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