Living with someone with depression

No advice I am afraid but sincere sympathy for being "blamed" when you have been supporting your DH, carrying him through, keeping life at home running smoothly and shouldering the burden of his depression. If it is ANY consolation, you are not alone in your experience. It is not unusual for those suffering from chronic illness of any sort to lash out at those nearest, oblivious to,the fact they are the most vulnerable.
You need support - I wonder if there is a support group (for partners of the chronically ill or depressed or even with dementia) where you could offload what you feel in the company of those who really know what you are going through?
I can relate to much of what you are saying although circumstances were different. My respite came from a demanding job where I felt I was appreciated and where I could forget or shelve much of what was going on at home. But I can remember sitting in the car after work and having to psych myself up to go into the house.
I had no easy solution but other events saved the situation.
I hope you can find help. Family and friends will be well meaning, but rarely understand.

I think it is par for the course that those nearest get the criticism, its a way of off loading how they feel themselves. Our daughter is on chemo and her husband does a great deal for her but yesterday when we were speaking to her on Skype she was rather unkind about him a nd we, like you and his sister, were taken aback as she is usually a very upbeat and caring person.
Its hard not to take it to heart. I hope you have or can access some support, and can maybe talk to his sister about how you feel.

You have my sympathy - my first husband was similar. It seemed to me that depression is infectious.
Like your OH, he drank a lot and alcohol lifts the spirits at first then the mood drops right down. Mine used to get violent ( with me, not the children TG.
I went to see his GP when things started to get out of hand, and he came to see him and persuaded him to get psychiatric help.He was diagnosed bipolar and put on Lithium (which he still takes.) Eventually he got stabilised, but by that time our marriage had broken down. He did some outrageous things, I've never been able to discuss with anyone.
I would speak to his GP - Bon Courage. It's not your fault.

alcohol and depression are best friends ,remove the alcohol and he will have a chance at sorting out his mood.I know thats difficult to do and he must want to, so you could try the AA support group for advice .A bottle of wine a day is certainly a problem even if he's not "an alcoholic" so he needs to cut it out or right downI wish you well , we have a young friend who is in the same situation ,he attempted suicide a few weeks ago and was hospitalised.His family gathered round to stop friends from visiting as some were taking drink to him and now he seems to be heading towards sobriety ,he's attending meetings and avoiding the people and places that were part of his problem .....as you know though its baby steps ,one day at a time

Thanks everybody it is good just get it off my chest. DP is not happy if I tell anybody but close friends have witnessed his erratic behaviour. I too feel more relaxed at work and dread what I will find when I get home. DP can stop drinking totally and has done but he says the drink helps him deal with his anxiety so he starts again. The GP keep s telling me DP is in a high risk group for suicide and when I am at work etc I should keep ringing to check he is ok. To be honest I don't want to and he is usually in bed and will not answer the phone! Sorry I sound really mean but getting to the end of my tether and worried about effect on DS.

So sorry to hear if your problems seasider, it is very wearing living with a person with depression even though you love and care for them. MawBroon is right he will lash out at you as his nearest and dearest and because he can. I think you have to tell him how you feel even though you love him he has to take responsibility for his life and behaviour. Are you getting support, having a break with your son from the caring role.
I hope things get better for all of you soon

If you were really the problem, and not his ill health, he would have gone. You are not the cause of his illness. His illness is causing his irrationality and as ithrs have said it is 'safe' for him to lash out at those who love him xx take care of yourself

My ex had depression, drank excessively, was bad-tempered and cared only for himself. He destroyed all my love, ruined our daughters' childhoods then fought my divorce proceedings for five awful years.
When I finally got away I started a new happy life and have never regretted leaving him. He quickly found a new partner and the children and I have never seen him since.
Don't waste your life with someone who wants to make everybody else as miserable as he is.

Someone with depression does not "want to make everyone else as miserable as he is" - he is ill.

Being with someone like this is very hard indeed - I should know - and subsequently I too have suffered with depression. I know that this was as hard for my family as it was for me when OH was suffering (and to some extent still is).

seasider is carrying a heavy burden which is hard to tolerate. She is not "wasting her life"; she is living with a sick person.

Have you tried your local Mind,*Seasider*? Some branches have relationship counselling or will be able to recommend somebody. Unfortunately, it will probably cost you, but the most difficult part will probably be persuading him to go.

It is very difficult living with someone who has depression, but they are ill and Carnt help it , my dh has had depression most of our married life , he had his own business and he would be off for months at a time , no work no pay, we are just starting the 5th year of this latest episode, he Carnt do anything , like your dh he just watches telly , I try to get him to do a small job each day , 5 mins weeding , changing a light bulb ect , he has been on medication for a long time and is now trying to come off it , phsyciatrist recommendation, he,s just stopped doing anything ,

My husband is miserable rather than depressed, though I suspect a low level of depression too. Not quite the same circumstances as yours, but knowing how low this can bring me, whatever I suggest I am told I am nagging, I send my sympathy.
For me like the other grans the answer is to get on with my own life as well as being there for him when I am home.

Depression..........had it for years, don't drink but eat crap which has its own side effects.

I feel sorry for you both, it is such miserable thing.

I was inspired by the amount of people running the marathon who had depression and found running helped.I do believe that physical things help more than medications and spiritual / emotional things are important to. The energies within us clog up when we are depressed, so you are right to find small tasks he can do.

Excercise is the thing what about walking football or something where he would have a bit of company and banter? I was a STRW for a while, it helps people support the bits of life they can recover from their illness.sort of so that the illness doesn't have all its own way.

I dread it when I feel it coming back, sometimes I can fight it off and others it is just gloom...........

Seasider I know how it is to live with a depressed suicidal person and you have my sympathy. One thing that helped me get through it was being told by an eminent psychiatrist that it was not my fault in any way, so not to feel responsible for the depressed persons actions. I left in the end 47 years ago.

I'm sorry you're in this situation seasider. You need support to help you through this so please take the advice of some others and seek help from AA group or mind. Just speaking to people who are coping with similar will help I'm sure. Be kind to yourself and have a day off every now and again if you can manage it - not going to work, do something you enjoy! I hope all this doesn't sound patronising or obvious, you're doing your best in a really difficult situation.

Hi Seasider, I've struggled with depression since 17, but since realising I must always take my Meds and not stop when I feel I'm 'cured' things are fine. My view would be that if the doctor has increased your husband's medicine and he still isn't improving it may be time to try a different one, as I know antidepressants are not a ' one size fits all' . Good luck to you all .

I too live with a depressed and anxious man who also has PD - believe me it is not a walk in the park! Just been away for the weekend and he just about managed the train journey but refused to leave our DD's flat the whole time - in spite of the beautiful weather and countryside on their doorstep, and the fact that she was singing in a concert - he missed it all. But in the end I just have to let him live as he wishes and get on with stuff on my own. Any attempts to engage him are like banging your head against a brick wall. I have enormous sympathy with him, but life can only continue if you let some of it wash by you and seek your own moments of joy.

My gd has mental health issues, panic attacks, anxiety attacks. She is getting help but I know what you are going through some days it's like running down a black tunnel. She isint on meds yet and CAMHS believe in self help. I

seasider what an awful existence. I would have no patience with someone who carries on drinking that amount of alcohol each day and then spends the day in bed. I can't advise, but I know what I would do.

Joining Al Anon is very good advice.
I'm a big believer in group support - it helped me a lot (eventually).
I don't know why group therapy isn't used more with people suffering from or living with emotional/psychiatric problems.

seasider what an awful situation you are in. Call me shallow, but I would have baled-out long ago.

Watermeadow's experience reminds me of the poster who had a friend who was married to a depressed anxious man who restricted her life - the poor woman died and he quickly moved on to another woman and miraculously livened-up!

Like Luckygirl, my DH has PD, and depression/anxiety, and can not/does not do anything. He doesn't read or watch TV or want to go anywhere. Seasider, he often blames me for things, and he sometimes threatens to leave me. When he's thinking clearly, he knows this is madness, but it doesn't stop him saying it again. I feel there's an element of paranoia there, which is possibly what your DP is suffering from,as well as the other problems. As others have said, it's not your fault. We have to be strong, and take one day at a time. For those of us who are seventy ish, and over, we are generally going to keep battling on, but for others who are younger, it might be sensible to look at the longer term issues, particularly if there are children involved. Our hearts are with you, Seasider.

It IS an illness whatever people say as is alcohol addiction. I speak from experience having an adult son living with us after a marriage break up due mainly to depression and alcohol problems. Some family members are less than sympathetic thinking he should just snap out of it. Easier said than done. His GP admits that mental health provision on the NHS leaves a lot to be desired. You have my sympathy Seasider and I hope you and your DP can get the help needed.

Your DH may be self-medicating with alcohol but that can have nasty effects with the anti-depressants which might be why he is unreasonable about you. If he can't stop drinking knowing that his Dr has said he shouldn't or is using it to self-medicate for the anxiety, this is something you should be discussing with his GP so they can arrange for the appropriate help. Meanwhile, I'd strongly advise you to find out where your local Al-Anon group is so they can support you. They'll also give you advice as to what help there is available.