Trial separation

I confess I have no exprience of trial separations, but one married couple I know did separate and then rebuild their relationship over the following five years and have been together now for over 10 years. I would think that for a deliberate trial separation to work the couple concerned should make sure that while they are living apart they are addressing the problems in their relationship both individually and apart through counselling or whatever other facilites there are to help people with relationship problems.

From what I have read trial separations without active attempts to resolve differences tend to end as permanent separations.

Whilst I also have no personal experience of this I would think that you would know yourself deep down if there was anything left of the relationship to save and if so try down the Councilling route and get any negative thoughts out in the open and discuss them hopefully.

DD2 and her husband are having a trial separation at the moment. SIL has moved into a flat and has the GCs every other weekend. It all seems pretty amicable and we are praying they will get back together again. DD1 says this is unlikely and I'm sure she is more 'in the know' than we are. All I can say is we are very sad they have split up. They seemed to be the perfect family. We are keeping in regular touch with SIL as we are obviously still very very fond of him and missed him terribly at Christmas.

I can't help wondering if young people really try hard enough these days?

I don't know if it's a question of trying, Merlot. For us, there wasn't much choice, was there? I remember, having got married at 18, in 1965, (with a baby) wondering if this was all there was, then not having a clue what I could do about it! No qualifications apart from "A"Levels, no child care, parents who would have killed me, in laws who would have said "No more than I expected!" and no money..47 years later, here we are, and I couldn't be more content, and hate to think that, given the opportunity, I might have given up. But I don't think I "tried", I think I just got on with it. But I accept that, because it worked for me, it would be different for others.

"I just got on with it" could be a watchword for many women, don't you think?

I would try it like a shot if I could afford to pay for a rental place for a fixed period and then split up our current home.

The problem is that I can't pay out like this for an indefinate period of time. Properties like mine have not sold for the last 5 yrs.

I dare not commit myself to such an action with no idea of how long it might take to get my share of the money out of the house sale.

I agree with you both, merlot and Ariadne. I do think these days a trial separation is usually a compromise between a couple where one really wants out of the relationship but the other doesn't. My own DD is separated from her partner at the moment, but she says she'll never have him back. I can't help but think it's cruel to allow hope to linger (which it obviously is on his part).

I don't know about trial separation, but I do know couples who split up completely – proper, legal divorce – and then got back together and remarried some years later. In one instance, one partner had married someone else and produced a child before that marriage failed and the first marriage became the third marriage – if you see what I mean. All the remarriages are still going.

There's nowt so queer as folk.

A relative of mine had a separation which lasted almost three months, they did get back together and are still married 15 years on.

I cannot believe that this topic is being discussed right now as I have just proposed the very thing to my H. As many of you will know he betrayed me, two years ago, after 45 years of marriage. Two years on, after sharing a house and some mutually beneficial activities I am no further on with healing or forgiveness.
I am still not sure about how much I would benefit from legal separation or divorce, but am torn apart with indecision. Tonight, trial separation was discussed and the very same night it appeared on Gransnet. Divine intervention or some good solid practical advice from those who have been there.

I often think of you dancingfeet, wondering how you are coping. It seems you have tried for long enough to make things work. I wish you all the best for the next step if you take it. Making a new life for myself was the best decision I ever made, scary though it was.

Me too dancingfeet I think of you often. I admire you for sticking it out, maybe you have come to the next step,good luck in whatever you choose to do.

I have. We had been together for 19 years. We bought a flat each and had a lovely time being apart.
We still saw each other from time to time. In fact at one time I did his cleaning. That was until I found out he had someone else.
After the two years we found that we were seeing more and more of each and he asked me if we could move back in together. It's now 33 years.

Mmmm-just wondering if it is (too late,that is...)
There have been major issues in our marriage for many years,the most damaging,his serious anger problems.
It started not too long after he bagan working 7 days (and nights) a week,and with very little sleep.He worked like this for many years,meanwhile becoming shorter and shorter tempered,in the latter years,going "berserk" (terrifying)
But I loved him,and I hoped it would get better,so I stayed....
Then his job (thank God!) went,and we took on a different life,and he was (finally) getting some sleep.

However,his temper remained dreadful,and in fact deteriorated still further.
Any pressure or stress (even small) and..boom!
Additionally,he lied/and or made up things,and developed (apparantly ) bad memory problems.
At least,I used to bellieve him,when he said he couldnt remember,but now it looks as though he probably could remember,but just used the "forgetting" if it was too his advantage.

So here we are retired now,when it was all going to be " worth it" but so far,2 1/4 years in,it simply means he has more time to argue with me,shout at me,and go beserk.

He has no interest whatever in me (or anythig else really,it has to be said) We do nothing together-except eat dinner.(during which I feel very uncomfortable,because he sits opposite me)
My health has been badly affected over the years,(I have spent the last year with one hospital appointment after another,the whole year) and my confidence eroded to nothing.and I feel mainly "frozen" when he is about.Not being "able" to do things that I otherwise can do.

What makes things even worse,is that I spent some months apart from him,(almost 10 years ago now) while we set up the new llife,and felt lke a different person! I felt as though "me" had returned.
I had been comfort eating for *years*-bags and bags of sweets; this being only comfort left to me-but during our time apart,I didnt so much as look at a sweet!
But within a very short time of him living with me again,all I could think about was sweets....

Now,as I say,he is retired.
My health is a mess,in every sense.
However,some weeks ago,I broke down at the doctors, and she became aware that things were very very wrong at home (although I didnt talk to her about it,as I knew that I would start crying and crying,and I had to walk out through the waiting room...)
The doctor arranged for me to see a counsellor,which I did secretly,at first,as I was afraid of my husband knowing....

The counsellor helped me to realise that what was happening to me at home was not ok ,and not something I had to put up with .
I was asked if I had thought about leaving my husband,and I said that was increasingly on my mind,but if I did,where on earth would I live,how would I manage (I have no money of my own etc)
The counsellor suggested I needed advice re legal aid.

In a brave moment,one day,when my husband was away,I phoned citizans advice,thinking I might if lucky,get sent* a leaflet or 2 about my rights,and what would happen,if I left him.
(*I am "unable" to travel to the nearby town where CAB is)
Instead,at their suggestion,I landed up speaking to a legal advisor,who said I needed to speak to someone else,who,it turned out it was somone to do with domestic abuse.

They couldnt have been more helpful and understanding.
I could not believe that anyone would be "there for me" I couldnt believe that someone would actually be willing to help me (I have learned that people say one thing,but do another....

Now I have found that I could stay in a refuge.
Even if it was only as a "break" to let me gather my thoughts in a "safe" environment,so I was better able to decide what to do....

But I think,if I did do this,that my marriage will be completley over anyway;as I cant imagine my husband seeing me go there,and then trying to "start again",with me. and because of that im very nervous to try that,as if I came home again,with the intention of trying to carry on,I think he would be very,very angry.(because I had gone into a refuge,and because I had told anyone what it was like at home)
And considering how he goes beserk of relatively small things,you can understand my nervousness....

I still love him,but I dont recognise him,.
He absolutely refuses (for all of the years) to try any suggestion I make that might help (have helped us) and not seeing a counsellor,or doctor,is top of his list of "No"s!

Its heart breaking,apart from anything else,as I am sure that he is ill,whether he is depressed,or something else-and of course,depression can be treated....
If he was depressed,and he got help,then perhas both of us,might get at least something like the retirement that we both once longed for...

It seems awful to leave him if he is ill,and can't help himself-but everyone says that "he is responsibel for taking himself to seek help" and that if he doesnt,and I leave him as a result of that,thats his descision....
trouble is, I also know how he worked, like a slave.

If i leave him,I cant avoid having some of his money-and then he might have to go back to work,which I feel awful about.
I just want to see him happy,and living a peaceful life his own way if we do split up...

Though yet again,despite not wanting to return to work,it mght actually be good for him,he might feel more "comfortable" in himself,as he has spent most of his life working every singel dayland never had hobbies,or time for anything.

He might feel at peacce,if he was back in the familiar surroundings and routine of work.
(like an old Lag,who will do anything to return to prison,because he cant cope with anything else...)

Anyway,we married in 1971,a long time ti be married,what a waste to see it go down the drain-and yet,in essence,it already has....

To complicate things further, 2 of our "children" are getting married this year,and I just dont feel that I can cope with going to their weddings,as well as leaving their dad,and in any case,it would be much harder to be at their weddings if we had just both split up.....
They "children" are aware that there are problems,and even years ago,two of them were telling me that I should leave him (even though they both love their Dad)
but I am still afraid that if I actually did leave him,their view points might change,and I might "lose" them,too....

Ive tried and tried to make it work-but marriage takes two,and my husband opted out many years ago,really...
I'm so tired of struggling in a one women marriage..
I'm not a wife (except for the drain on his finances and being annoying) and im not a widow,and i'm not divorced..
I'm in limbo land-and i dont like it!!!!!

And the downside ,if there is one,of seeing all these people,(counsellors,etc) is that I now like my situation even ^less^!!
and owndering why I have been soooo stupid for sooooo long....!!!!!
Anyone else in a similar position?

itsnevertoolate. So sorry - am no expert but I do know that when one is not in control of ones life one just is not living. Hope you can get something sorted. Sounds like you do need to sit down with someone wise to get your thoughts organised. I can only send you a hug.

You sound like me 10 years ago. From what I've read you've got to get out of this marriage [and I'm someone who, having divorced my husband, always tells people to reconsider because of the financial implications ie I never expected to find myself worrying about money when I was coming up to retirement age]. Get all the help you can get [especially legal help]. From what you've said your children will be there for you and understand. There's never a right time for anyone but I don't think you can go on like this; in fact, I know you can't.

A huge (((hug))) from me too. What a terrible situation. You cam speak to women's aid without taking the step of going to a refuge. Maybe a good first step to at least share your story.

itsnevertoolate what a sad story. I am certainly not an expert and wouldn't dream of offering you any " advice" however I know that there are many members who do work and/or volunteer in this field and I am sure would be only too happy to help you if they can.

I think you owe it to yourself to enjoy a peaceful retirement and you cannot blame yourself for your husbands state of mind. It sounds like he does need counselling or medical help, but if he won't go you can't force him. Also I do not think it is ever too late to change things for yourself. Your children sound as though they know the situation you are in and I am sure they wouldn't want you to live what seems to be a very miserable existence for the rest of your life.

I do hope one of the more knowledgeable grans can help you with some good advice. I am thinking about you.

Itsnevertoolate I'm no expert either and can only send you my sympathy.
But please don't waste your emotional energy, as you put it, wondering why you have been "so stupid for so long".
I think you had to get to that point in order to feel that you have to make the changes, and realise that you are able to do so.
I hope you get the help you need to take the next steps - and don't worry too much about your DCs - it sounds as though they are well aware of your situation and will be able to cope.

itsnevertoolate So sorry to hear your story .
Take care of yourself.I hope you find the courage to make a move.I feel angry on your behalf.
and hugs

Thank you so very much everyone for all the hugs,flowers,and kind words!
what a lovely and welcome (and needed) surprise!

My "children" all live far away,and in any case, if we do see them,I never get to see them alone (except if I am lucky a few minutes) so no real possibility to talk about "things" and not much time for private hugs...
And I think it is easier for them not to come to see us,than to see and feel such a painful situation...

I know (they have told me in the past) that they do feel frustrated and helpess because I havent left their dad-and What can they do,drag me by the hair?
They have no more been able to get me to leave him,than I have been able to get their dad even to "talk" about things with somone....

No wonder they are frustrated,after all,its how I feel!!
And no doubt, they also feel guilty,for wishing that,(for me to leave him) as they do love their Dad (though they never had much to do with him,because he was always at work,sadly) and must feel they are being disloyal to him.......

I have just been re reading the posts(?) on trial seperation,and I have to agree with flicketyB
"From what I have read trial separations without active attempts to resolve differences tend to end as permanent separations."
I cant imagine my husband being willing,even if I was away,to see anyone etc,nor can I see him meeting up with me somewhere like Relate.
(and hes told me repeatedly,that he point blank will not see anyone-I think it is becasue he is afraid-because he knows that he is not ok whatever he says...)

He just wants things as they are,but without me minding,as far as I can tell (or should I say,with me being able to pretend not to mind,and being the happy wife he used to have-before his best friend (his temper) got between us.....
All subjects that might possibly lead to him losing his temper,have to be avoided-this doesnt leave much -apart from "putting the world right" the weather,and possibly,what shall we have for dinner.
So even when everything is calm,it isnt really,as I am sitting there really needing to talk to him about something,but not "allowed" to,because if I do,off he will go again....

You know,a few months ago,I realised what it was about me,that was different to the way other folk looked ,when I looked in the mirror-I have hardly any wrinkles!-
On the face of it ,that sounds good-but I what I suddenly realised,is that it is because i spend most of the day with a "blank" face-ie,not showing my emotions...
- and to think I was afraid that I must be getting Parkinsons disease!!!!!

And yes,I do realise that this is no way to live! (more and more)
Its so sad to think of ending a marriage,esp after so long,and of course it is scary* to think of leaving him,to be alone,(and,as I have always lived quite "sheltered" and rural,I am afraid that I might have to live in a town somewhere) and to worry about money1
Esp as I cannot do all that I used to do,(used to everything and anything!) and so if something needs doing (in my home) and I cannot do it,I would either have to pay someone,or just-well,not have it done....

1 But maybe not so scary as him hurting me,(and that day is getting nearer) and leaving me even more crocked up than I already am?
and maybe not (definately not!) so scary as the fear I have of being totally dependant on him,and unable to get out on my own-so at the mercy of his temper worse than ever? The way things are with him,that is one thing that I am very,very, afraid of........

*(I can make do and mend,and have always cooked everything myself from scratch,and know how to economise,so if I do leave him at least that should be a help;))

By the way, I just recently saw the Womens Aid Website,Wow! its so informative,and helpful-if only I had known about it before!
How did I come across it?
I googled Refuge,what can I take with me!!

So you see,I am beginning to take tiny steps towards the unknown,and the lady I have been seeing from the domestic abuse place,has been helping me,morally,(boost to the morale) and also practically,where to go,who to see,etc,about various issues.
And as I am not "able" to take the bus somewhere she arranged to come and meet me locally,at a safe place.
You should have heard me crying on the phone,when she told me she would do that. That she understood ,why I was "unable" and was bothered enough about me,to actually arrange to come to me,instead of the other way round. Thank God for "people who do" (care

Note!
I have a goal- of being able to take the bus,to get to town,to see s solicitor!!! I dont expect that will be something that happens quickly-but I know that it will!
-after all,I have the repputation of "never giving up"
- Isn't that why I am still here,after all??!!??!

PS for those of you who are gettng worried at my long posts-they wont all ^be so long! (^phew!!)

Thinking of you! It must be difficult.
Is there no way you can get him to get help? A mutual friend perhaps?

My thought are with you!

Itsnevertoolate little steps to start and you will be strong enough one day to make the big step. Thinking of you

Itsnevertoolate, You can do it! You deserve better, you are worth much, much more. Small steps will lead to bigger ones.
Be brave my dear, we are all behind you

Please leave Nevertoolate; don't wait until he hurts you, and he will hurt you eventually. I'm so glad you have found the support of Women's Aid. Take all the advice they offer, as they really are experts. They will help you to formulate your escape plan and to make sure that you receive your full share of everything. You cannot live like this and you need to be safe. Please keep coming on here and talking if it helps