Younger daughter relationship

lucyinthesky you say your daughter is less than darling to you. Maybe that is part of the issue.

I am sorry you have received so much support on GN to carry on with your contact with her friend.

Also sorry that your poor daughter is being slagged off on GN.

lucy is continuing her correspondence with her own friend. Mothers and daughters can have friends in common.

Lucy's daughter has not been slagged off, Petallus, not on this thread. No-one has said anything more about her than Lucy has said or implied about her depression and over-sensitivity. Please do not imply what does not exist and make an issue where there is not one.

One of my two closest friends (in her early fifties) has developed her own (very close) relationship with my mother in law (who is in her late seventies); a similar scenario to the one lucy describes. I cannot conceive of telling my mother in law to cease contact because the friend was 'mine' first and if I did she would be well within her rights to tell me that her relationships are none of my business. Instead I am thrilled that two people I care deeply about have developed their shared interests together; in their case, music.

Petallus my daughter is less than darling* to me atm purely because she is trying to dictate who I can be friends with!

No-one is slagging her off here.

* you have absolutely no idea how much emotional support I already provide to alleviate her anxiety and depression; I totally resent your view that I have 'received so much support on GN to carry on with your contact with her friend.'

Thank you to everyone who has provided constructive advice and support on this thread. I am most grateful to have people to talk to about this emotive issue.

Lucy there is no need to have a 'confrontation' with your daughter.
If you feel the need to be open about your conversations with the mutual friend , then the conversation should go like this:

1.DD, is it ok if I discuss something with you?
2. I feel very uncomfortable that you aren't happy about me chatting online to X. It makes me feel almost as though you are bullying me. (You are explaining the impact DD is having on you.
3. Wait for DD's response.
4. She'll either say you're imagining things, in which case the problem has gone away, or re-iterate that she doesn't want you to communicate with the mutual friend.
5.If the latter, ask her (gently) to explain why.
Concentrate on how she makes you feel, rather than criticising her.

I agree with others there is possibly more to this than meets the eye and it might be helpful to you both if things open up.
Good luck.

Thank you Jane. Good advice.

This young woman, who none of us know, has been described as a hyper-sensitive bully who should be told where to get off.

Hardly complimentary!

lucyinthesky you have received support to carry on being friends with your daughter's friend from just about everyone who has replied to your OP.

But whatever! good luck with it all.

That's not true either, petallus.

I said that giving in to hyper-sensitivity would not help anyone.

Someone else said the behaviour of the D seemed like bullying.

Lucy said she felt bullied.

Do not distort what has been said.

You are also distorting the truth by insisting that Lucy is talking to her daughter's friend, deliberately glossing over the friendship between Lucy and the friend. There are two friendships here plus a mother-daughter relationship.

Petallus - let's get this straight in words of one syllable as you do not appear to understand the problem I outlined in my original post: I feel as if I am the one being bullied because I am being told who and who I may not be friends with.

I have an independent friendship with my daughter's friend based on our common interest in writing and books; that is all.

Thank you for your good wishes.

thatbags the OP herself describes the friend as her daughter's.

I think you are splitting hairs when you say the daughter was not described as a hyper-sensitive bully.

Her behaviour was described as hyper-sensitive and bullying then if that suits you better.

Petallus The OP does not want you to leap in to protect her or her daughter from those pesky GNers who were not slagging off either of them. Take a hint, dear, and stop trying.

Petallus - the friend concerned is (originally) my daughter's - that's how I met her and consequently she stayed in my home when she had meetings with publishers prior to selling her first novel due out next summer.

We have since become (internet) friends independently of my daughter.
Is that so difficult for you to understand?

Honestly if I didn't know this was Gransnet I'd think you were a troll.

Er, not sure where you are coming from Elegran (but thanks for your comment anyway).

I certainly was not trying to protect the OP and just felt her daughter was being treated unfairly. I did not need to protect her because (hopefully) she won't be reading this thread.

It's all down to personal opinion, I'm sure, but I recently asked my two adult daughters if they would like to un-friend me on Facebook so I could not see everything they were doing and saying to their friends.

If one of them didn't want me contacting one their friends I would not do so out of respect for their privacy and autonomy.

But as I said, horses for courses!

Er Lucy you have just suggested that I am a troll.

That is against GN rules. Did you know that?

Yes, I do understand what you are saying without any difficulty. I just don't agree with your attitude.

Petallus, you do not need to be unfriended on FB to not see what your adult daughters (or anyone else for that matter) is doing or saying. Anything they (or you) wish to keep private from the FB page can easily be done as there are controls as to what people can and cannot see.

The most secure and private way of being in contact (which is my elder daughter's preferred method with all her friends as well as me) is DM (direct messaging) which is entirely private between the respondents themselves.

You have made your view perfectly clear and I respect that is right for you -
If one of them didn't want me contacting one their friends I would not do so out of respect for their privacy and autonomy -

I think you and i will have to agree to disagree with the fact that I do not wish to be told by my daughter that I cannot be friends with someone independently of her own friendship and I suspect her girlfriend would be horrified if she knew that I'd been asked not to correspond with her.

Petrollus

'you have just suggested that I am a troll. That is against GN rules. Did you know that?'

Exactly why I wrote it as I did: 'Honestly if I didn't know this was Gransnet I'd think you were a troll.'

Aplogies for misspelling Petallus

Tell you what Lucy don't think I don't know what it feels like to come under pressure from a DD.

I also know what it is like to give lots of support to a DD going through emotional/financial difficulties.

I also have on occasion become very friendly with various friends of both my DDs, especially if they have been visiting my house. I am quite fond of several such people at the moment.

I once became quite close to a boyfriend of one of my DDs to the extent that we had independent e-mail contact but then one day I realised DD was uncomfortable about it so I pulled back.

As I said, I hope you can resolve the problem amicably with your DD

Actually, I don't think we are even supposed to type the 't' word.

petallus - I think we have more in common than we realise - I also inadvertently became quite close to one of my daughter's boyfriends! Hmm.

And I'm sorry for using the t word - please don't report me ;-)

Okay I won't report you!

I got on so well with my other DD's husband when I first met him that she started to feel left out when we were all together as he and I were chatting and laughing a lot of the time.

I think that problem resolved itself but I can't remember if I stopped being so friendly with DD's husband or DD stopped minding.

Anyway, they have split up now.

I chat to my DD's friends on FB - one of them has had a nasty but in remission bout of cancer and we were both going through the hell of diagnoses at the same time. My DD neve minds, they are personal messages and not all over FB.