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My DD's wedding

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rubylady Tue 24-Jun-14 06:34:12

I was told about my DD's wedding by her on a recent visit, it being Sept '15. On further discussions I have been told that she want to walk into the ceremony herself, no-one "giving her away", and at the casual, no seating plan reception there is to be no speeches neither.

Her fiance is an orphan and I am divorced, my DD's father having had no contact for some 14 years now. I have been the only one involved with my DD, bringing her up, supporting her through Uni, supporting emotionally and financially when they had my two GS's, aged 3 and 1 years old now. They have both picked and asked friends already to be bridesmaids and two best men. I will obviously be the only parent and have not been asked to perform any task or role in this wedding at all. I am in bad health, waiting for an open heart operation and I try to go to their home, over 60 miles away to visit as regular as I can as they don't come to see me often.

After saying that I was upset that I hadn't been included in their plans, my DD got very heated and told me not to go at all.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to take my place as her mother? I feel like I should skulk around at the back and hide myself. My DS, her DB has not been asked to take any part either even though it was the three of us after I split from their abusive violent father and they were really close before she left for University.

She is forever after money off me, but being ill and unable to work, my money is tight. She tries emotionally blackmailing me saying the children need things and then I find boxes of wine and beer in their home. She lies too, to gain attention, has done for years so the trust is already shaky between us.

I keep trying to bridge the gap between us but I have come to the end of my tether and now it is time to either go our separate ways or to tell her that enough is enough, my health is suffering and to stop her games if she wants us to continue to see each other. She is 27 years old. Am I right to feel aggrieved after bringing her up on my own and not being involved in their special day when they have wanted me and my money so much in the past? Btw, I am not paying for the wedding, they are. Maybe if I were, I could have a part in it? (sad)

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rubylady Tue 01-Jul-14 02:12:28

Thank you once again for your welcome advice and comments. I know that I should paint on a smile and get on with it but I don't think that I can do that and here is why:-

He moved in with her on their very first date in September. They came to visit me at a coffee shop in October where, on a trip to the ladies, she described him to me as "good mating material". A very strange comment indeed and one I have had trouble getting my head round.

I learnt that he had given up a great course at Oxford University to come up North to be with her. His father was mortified. She had graduated at this time and was working full time at her fiance's brother-in-law's firm. She was very close to the brother-in-law from starting work for him and is still working for him. Her fiance (then boyfriend) started working there too and after a while decided to take another University course in the work they did together.

The following May, I received a phone call to say that she was pregnant. All excited, etc. When I asked her how she had got pregnant being on the pill (she had been on it since 15 year old and not got caught) she shrugged her shoulders and said it just happened. Until I discovered that she had bought ovulation tests online the January before. So it was no accident/surprise, it was planned, by her all along. Now whether he knew about her buying the tests I don't know but I have been lied to by her and maybe by both. I can't stand people who lie. Why she did this she just won't tell me.

Therefore, her boyfriend's University course, yet again, out of the window. He had to go to work. He started another one when the baby was two years old and again she got pregnant. Again he had to drop out and work. He is still having to work because now she wants to move out of the two bed into something bigger.

His father passed away and he is coming into his inheritance. Hence her wanting to find a house for them and use the money for a deposit, his money. I know they are his children but I do feel she had her eye on him and duped him into getting pregnant, especially the first time. He is younger than her and with no parents now to guide him, I am concerned how manipulative she will be with him.

His father told him that if he married her while he was still alive, he would not go to the wedding, and I can't say I blame him.

My question is:- how am I supposed to go to this wedding and stand there, giving my blessing when all along she has probably played him like a fool? He has no qualifications now, nothing to fall back on, will probably have to work all hours God sends to keep them when he had an excellent chance to make something grand of himself.

To be honest, she embarrasses me. I feel ashamed and appalled at how she has behaved. She has lied, thieved (from stores, not just me), deceived, manipulated and not given a damn for the welfare of those around her or those who have cared for her.

The place they live in is rented and they have trashed it, the carpet is stained to beyond cleaning, the bathroom suite is smashed, the leather settee that was already in has a huge gash in it, the kitchen is a mess. The poor woman who rents it out is going to have to replace everything including bathroom, kitchen and bed, which my DD gave birth in! Not her bed, it's the woman's who rented them the apartment!

We are ok for a while and then she does something else. I get mad at her, say my mind, she sulks and doesn't talk to me for ages until I back down and apologise and then she's ok again til she does something else and so it goes on.

She said her son threw up because I "freaked him out". Very nice for a gran to hear. She left her son in his high chair while going out of the apartment, down two flights of stairs to let us in the entry system. When we got back he was awake and trying to get out.

She has not been brought up like this, at all. Even though I have been a single mum, I have brought my children up with decency, respect, care for others, having manners etc. My son doesn't behave in such a way.

I hope others do read this and give me their opinions, I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. Thank you to you all. Xxx

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