Relationship Q&A with Relate

Sorry, new to this and think above comment is prob on wrong page ?

I've learned to stop begging my son to have contact. He started pulling away at 19 when he met his first wife. He married her without telling us, whilst I was away recuperating from a major operation. She didn't like us and was jealous of our family closeness and probably made him choose, her or us, but he should have had some loyalty to his family. He contacted me to tell me I'd become a Nan, we put everything behind us and had a couple of fairly close years. They had another baby, but soon they split up. We were there for him and helped him through this. He soon met another woman and moved to Ireland and married her once he was divorced. Once again, his wife didn't like the family and seemed jealous though we tried to get along. I was continually begging my son to stay in contact, to ring me more than twice a year, he wouldn't even Skype or email, wouldn't give me a phone number. In the end I said it shouldn't be this difficult, if it didn't come naturally to stay in touch, it can't be one sided. I said, in the words of George Michael, I can't make you love me if you don't! I wouldn't beg any longer. He's got what he wanted now, just his new family in Ireland and us out of the picture. That was 7 years ago. He also turned his back on his two children, he's never contacted them either, which as sad as it is, makes me realise just how selfish he is. ?

thank you

Thank you. I finally worked that out!,?

Click on the words "this page" in the post from SarahGransnet, it is a link to the page with the answers.

I can’t find the answers either grin

I'm just wondering if this was answered anywhere and I missed it please?

Been there and got the T shirt Purpletinofpaint but it was our ES who stayed silent because he knew we were telling the truth.

Points taken, Purple.

My dm said I'd only ever wanted her for what I could get out of her which was plainly nuts because I'd never had anything off her ever. Not a penny, not an hours babysitting, help with house/holidays or anything at all. I've always had to be entirely self-sufficient. When I called her on it & said 'That's not true' - in a voice of astonishment, she stayed silent because she knew I was telling the truth. There was nothing she could reference.

Star ' it would be better to tell the parents what the problem is' - in many cases, the parents have been told, sometimes more than once but for some reason they can't/won't hear. I told my dm very plainly in a calm voice & to this day she says she has no idea why?

My husband and his only sister fell out over the will and its execution 7 years ago when my Father-in-law died. They haven't spoken since. I tried to mediate when it happened and was in email contact with my sister-in-law, whom I'd always got on with. Seemingly, I said something wrong and she stopped answering me too. It means my sons have had no contact with their Uncle, Aunt & 3 cousins either. Any ideas what I can do? Each is as stubborn as the other and would consider it admitting fault it they were the first to break the stalemate. There is one cousin of theirs who is still in touch with both. She's at her wits' end over it too.

A friend of mine said, 'if he reconciled with you, who else would he have to blame everything on? Better to make sure that can't happen'
Not sure what I think about that, but I'm pondering it.

Could be, hugshelp, could be.

Also, I think some of them are really afraid of the arguments that will ensue. And maybe that their parents will point out some upsetting things that they (the AC/CIL) have done, etc. So they try to avoid all that by just "fading away."

To me, that's cowardly. IMO, it would be better to tell the parents what the problem is. One could always end the conversation if they start to argue and one doesn't want to hear it. But Iv never CO family, so, of course, IDK how I'd feel

I wonder if not allowing the parent a chance to fix things is just a way of manitaining 100% control of the situation starlady

"I also wonder why an AC wouldn't want to tell their mother what they had done wrong. If there is already Estrangement, there's nothing to lose, just closure for both parties and the AC can tell them direct they don't want to see their parent again. At least this would put an end to things. "

I agree, Joyfulnana - just break the NC "rule" long enough to let the parents know the reason for it. Or better yet, do that before going NC.

However, in some cases, it will just lead to arguing, denial, etc. And the parents will still come away saying, "don't know why." Also, sometimes, they have been telling the parents what the issues are for months and the parents ignored it, that's how they ended up with NC (not saying that's true of anyone here).

Still, I think it's only fair to make sure you (general AC)let them know what happened and maybe even give them a chance to "fix" it if possible. In fact, think you'd want them to know why. But maybe that's just me.

I would like to know what to do if its your DIL that is calling all the shots and your not really sure your AC knows whats really going on. The last text message i received from my AC was he would get in touch to sort things out when he got back from being away with work. That was 10 months ago, haven't heard a word from him since its all been from DIL.

I'd love some advice on a wedding-related issue. My friend is recently divorced and her daughter is getting married in August. Her daughter has asked if she minds if my friend's husband's new (3 months in) girlfriend (typically much younger) attends. She's said of course not, not wanting to rock the boat but now feels extremely awkward about it because she does mind very much and it's meant an otherwise happy occasion will be ruined for her. She knows the day is all about the couple and especially her daughter but I can see this is eating her up inside. I'm not sure what the top table seating arrangements are but I'd hope the new woman isn't there. Should she talk to her daughter again about it? I think she should.

hugshelp, in my case yes I leave them alone, theres only so much you can take, the bridge is broken beyond repair. I had hope in the beginning but as Ive been rejected so many times and for so long, all the hope has gone. I look at it that the AC are punishing you as a parent by treating you so appallingly, they just wont let it go, must be very draining for them to live with such hate towards their parents.

Hugs help.. I'd like to know the relate woman's answer to that. But I also want to know if the police ever take action for harassment these days? Esp if its mother to AC. I don't think they would be interested. I also wonder why an AC wouldn't want to tell their mother what they had done wrong. If there is already Estrangement, there's nothing to lose, just closure for both parties and the AC can tell them direct they don't want to see their parent again. At least this would put an end to things. If I were the AC in this situation, I would be direct. Because my not doing that it also suggests that they don't want contact 'just yet' which raises expectations for the future.

If a adult child estranges them self from you and won't tell you why and rebuffs all your attempts at asking for the chance to understand and try to make ammends what to do?
Do you leave them alone and just hope that one day things might change?

WOW Purpletinofpaint, ( quote ) 'Sadly, the reason so many estranged parents are abandoned is they're completely unaware of their own lack of consciousness.'
Typical comment from a daughter about her mother!!

Odd post after reading your comment on the estrangement thread I must say!