How to get husband out of the rut

My husband and i shared cooking, shopping, housework, gardening he always washed up saying he found it theraputic. Then we had his 65th birthday. It was a saturday and he worked a half day. I picked him up from work when we got home he sat down and never really moved again. He got dementia refused to eat in his last six months and died aged 75 weighing very little and looking skeletal. He never did a thing once he became 65 he said thats it i have retired. Unfortunately i couldnt retire as i had to do everything. Men have a completely different take on getting old i think. It was very hard and i still miss him like crazy

I'd tell him he will be sitting around all day with no choice once he goes into his old age home!

Someone said that to me in the course of the conversation and it made me think. I like sedentary pastimes - I am always engaged in something - but none involve much movement. The thought of having no choice but to be in a chair all day, immobile, scares me, so I now incorporate much more into my day, even if it's only housework. <pulls face>

Jolt him out of his complacency. Tell him, one day he'll be stuck in his chair, if he lives that long. He is going to age with inactivity alone! (It might make him think. He is still a youngish man - not even retirement age yet.)

Every other day do the cooking for him. On the other days tell him he has to do it or starve, even if its only beans on toast. When he has got to grips with this simple activity, then add on other jobs for that day. On these days of his activity you go out, even if it means sitting in the library eating your sandwiches. Do tell him where you are going just do it. Seems a bit unusual, but believe me it works. Good luck

Get a couple of good looking blokes in to do some jobs around the house and make a BIG show of asking Mr Couch potato if he is alright IN FRONT OF THEM and would he like you to chew his food for him...

Back last year my company was asked by an employer to carry out what is known as an employment role compatibility interview with a female employee who had undergone surgery for a hip replacement.

The employee was in her fifth month off work, and in line with the OPs, husbands case had consigned herself to the couch since the surgery. During the interview, the employee stated she could not build any confidence in her artificial hip and therefore did not feel she could move very far.

The situation was also causing problems in her relationship with her husband, and her employer had stated that unless she was able to return to work in the next four weeks, they would commence dismissal procedures on the grounds of her situation had become incompatible with her role in the company.

When we informed her of the action her employer would in all likelihood take, that proved to be the catalyst required to get her into a further round of physiotherapy and psychological therapy.

Her husband was fully supportive throughout that stage of her recovery as he soon began to witness her improvement, and together, they began to engage in daily walks, which gradually gained in length.

She returned to full working six weeks later, which was quite an achievement when considered against the situation she was in when first we interviewed her.

Many of these circumstances are brought about by the psychological condition that a person develops following any trauma, and I have become convinced over the years that anyone can develop that psychology in stressful circumstances.

However, this was a good outcome for all, as the person involved was just fifty-five years of age.

Leave the jobs and start going out and enjoying yourself. That might make him sit up and realise what's been happening.

Many of these circumstances are brought about by the psychological condition that a person develops following any trauma, and I have become convinced over the years that anyone can develop that psychology in stressful circumstances

I am sure you are right Grandad I can relate to that.

Several illnesses, one after another, floored me and incapacitated me. The drugs didn't help either as weight gain was a result of taking them. That and enforced inactivity after several operations. I lost all faith in myself for years even though I was formerly extremely active, busy, and could multitask/juggle situations with no problems.

I just didn't think I could be laid so low, so I sort of gave up on myself and my abilities. I stagnated and that delayed any recovery. All mental really but frightening. I'd been floored and felt defeated. The arrival of our first grandchild proved to be the spark that lit the flame and gradually I pushed myself. Before that I hadn't.

I suspect Grandtante's husband was shocked but also had the opportunity to switch off for a change, to be an invalid for a while and let his injury define him and from there it's hard to move up a gear if there is a bit of a mental block. Years can go by and being in a 'weakened state' (although he isn't) becomes a new way of life.

He maybe needs fewer people to lean on, to give him a bit of incentive to strive again? (I may be writing complete bollocks. I don't profess to understand what makes us tick! )

Well I'd tell him no more bedroom activity until he got off his arse and helped out a bit during the day. He's just got into a comfortable (and lazy) pattern. I could be that he's afraid of hurting his shoulder again but not using it isn't helping his joints and muscles either. Give him an ultimatum!

My mum started to vegetate when she was about 73, hung around all day in her dressing gown and pretended to be old. I can't remember how long it took but she did revert to normal and lived an active life until she was 92. All in the mind, she admitted.