Lost some confidence with my son

Lumarei, well said.

Just because someone is more 'clever' than you, doesn't mean they are right in everything.

Tillybelle, I was also widowed when my four were young so I'm used to being in charge. I was alarmed to feel the tables turning when I injured my back and needed some help.

It was suddenly as if I were the helpless child and they were the adults. (Of, course, they ARE adults but they assumed control.) It made me feel very old and helpless, treated as a naughty child if I did anything unwise that might hinder my recovery.

The 'pretending to be fine' phone calls, when actually I couldn't go out or even get up the stairs! I didn't want them to rush round and take over so I'd think 'OK, I'll cope, there's food in the fridge and I can crawl to the loo. The dog can miss her walk and I'll just take the painkillers and use the TENS machine today'.

I am with GG65. Treat the AC children like friends. No need to pull the parent card as it does not work since respect cannot be demanded but is earned.

However I also believe in communicating that a certain tone of voice is hurtful and not acceptable (with anybody)

OP, I would advise to bring up your issue with DS sometime soon and let him know how it made you feel. He may apologise as he isn’t aware of his tone and the impact it had. Everybody makes mistakes.

That's good. Thanks for taking the time to let me know.
I hope you'll find a way of laughing off his rather serious manner and not letting his delivery make you feel "put down".
I'm so glad you feel better, which I assume you do as the Grans have helped!
Best wishes and lots of love, Elle x ?

Tillybelle, it was a trifling matter, however that sort of 'conversation' happens now and again. it really is his delivery that troubles me. I usually try to ignore the tone of delivery and pay attention instead to what he is explaining . But just this once I thought the grans might help , which they have.

Thanks Alexa. I hope all goes well with no " awkward silences if I cannot tell him my news in case I get another put-down."

I do hope you do not give in to your son too easily and that you trust your own judgement. I maintain my view that it is not loving of an AC to make his Mother feel put down and so upset she is worrying about what will happen if she does not tell her news or is fearful of another lecture that makes her feel put down. A relationship between generations in a family is not good if you are unable to speak freely for fear of his speaking unkindly.

Your original post is not written as if you felt it was a trifling matter. I am concerned that you really were upset and had agonised over what to say. I am concerned that you have lost confidence here, maybe are scared of being put down again for not facing up to your son or maybe this is just getting too much, which is absolutely understandable. I do hope you feel that your first distress is resolved. By that I mean the feeling of being put down and not as good as your perfect granddaughter and the feeling of fear about how to or whether to tell him your news for fear of enduring another lecture and being put down. For someone to leave us in this state means they have a lot of power over us. If not you wouldn't care about the news and you wouldn't even notice he had lectured you and he would not have been able to make you feel "put down". His lecture has left you frightened to tell him your news, you have told us, you think it best to let things "settle down". Now, if this is trifling, it wouldn't have been stirred up enough to need to "settle down". You would not mention that there would be awkward silences if it was not a problem, and your words "I now feel I can't tell him my news in case I get another lecture and feel bad" are not trifling.

I do hope you find a place where you can get help so that you may feel confident about the decisions you make in your life and that you do not have to appease others or agree with them to avoid their "lecturing" you and making you "feel bad".

I'm sure everyone here sends you their best wishes and hopes all goes well regarding your news and how it is accepted and hopes that you receive no more lectures in which you are put down again!

Good luck.
Love from
Elle x ???

FarNorth, yes agreed, petty and manipulative BUT I've always found that the very best way to get my kids to rethink their attitude or behaviour is to appear hurt. It works like magic every time!

Typo; don't worry, Tillybelle.

Ianhandthemback, Yes. That's it. Actually he is cleverer than I although he will concede to me sometimes.

Tillybelle, my kind and clever son believes it's best to speak one's mind, and I agree that is best.Don't worry Tillybelle.

GG65 Spot-on

And thanks to everyone for your interest and interesting thoughts. I was doubtful if I should raise this trifling matter with the grans but it has been so worth while for all concerned. Than ks again.

PS I told him I had apologised to the seller and he said Ebay lets you withdraw a -ve feedback so I will try to find out how to do that.

GabriellaG54
Me too. Just once when I had been ill. The AC decided they "knew" what was best for me and entirely messed up my house! It was very difficult because I didn't want to upset them as I felt they had been here doing something as a kindness, but they could have asked me if it was how things worked for me!! I'm disabled so some things have to be in places I can reach for example.

Anyway, I am careful, on the phone for example, about what I say in case they decide to come and "put it right" or that I am doing things all wrong!! I was widowed when they were young so I'm pretty much trained in looking after things!

A lot of my friends say that their children speak to them in ways (e.g. off-hand, disparaging,) they would never have dreamed of speaking to their parents. Do other people find this?

Is this another thread? - sorry!

Coco51

I meant to say earlier but so much intervened...

What an extremely good example of a good reason why the middle generation needs to pay attention to their parents - the oldies (us). Also you are kind to share your experience with your DAS. It is so very sad when they cannot accept that we are on their side and merely trying to do what is best. I imagine your DS's pride won't let him admit you were right. He must be feeling embarrassed that his child was actually in danger because of this girl about whom you had warned him and he had been angry with you in front of her.

I am assuming your DGS came to no harm. But what a terrible thing for her to do! When he was ill! It is good that she was discovered.

It is so sad that our children do become rather proud in adulthood sometimes and do not like it or behave with grace when we are right. Your example shows how the relationship breaks down and we become very wary of discussing things which are important to us after they put this barrier between us. In my own experience and from knowing many others', including back in the days when I was still working, this is not an unusual situation. That is, Grandparents stop discussing important matters with their AC because they have experienced harsh or judgemental treatment from them. I am so sorry it happened to you.

My friends and I have often said that our best support comes from each other - our own generation. I do hope you have somebody with whom you can discuss things when you feel the need.

Hetty58 what petty manipulative behaviour.

GG65. It doesn't matter what you think about what I say. Alexa will decide what is befitting to her situation.

Your comments do indicate that you have not understood all that Alexa has written. Your interpretation of the situation seems to be one which suits your argument so that you may put down others who are supporting Alexa. I think people with an attitude to crush the OP by misrepresenting what she actually said are not helpful and not welcome on Gransnet.

Similarly making untruthful digs at others such as saying "You appear to be getting yourself rather worked up over this." is of course your own imagination which you have written in order to be provocative and is not in the least helpful to the OP.

And Hetty58, that’s nothing to be proud of!

Tillybelle, you have gone on to lecture me about how the OP’s son was rude and unkind to have lectured her!

I’m really not seeing the rude behaviour here. The son was clearly annoyed with his mum for leaving negative feedback on someone’s account and he told her so. Adult to adult. Peer to peer. He is also an eBay seller and understands the consequences of negative feedback on business.

You have then gone on to say that the son getting so worked up over a jumper is not normal behaviour. The son didn’t get worked up over a jumper! It doesn’t even sound like the son got worked up! The OP hasn’t mentioned voices being raised or anything that would be indicative of someone getting worked up.

You appear to be getting yourself rather worked up over this.

If the OP felt her son was being rude, she should have just told him so. There and then. In the moment. Adult to adult. Peer to peer. That is how people interact. Not by sulking about it.

What a fuss!

FarNorth, oh yes, I could turn on the tap to make them feel awful if necessary!

moggie57. So sorry your DD has not changed. To put you down in public only shows her up as an unkind person. The others will know what you are really like and I am sure, felt very sad for you.
Lovely to hear from you.

^^ That was to Hetty58.

would have me (deliberately) in tears

Seriously. I'm astonished - you actually do that?!

GG65

The Son was rude. Rude and unfeeling in his treatment of his mother. He should be polite no matter to whom he is speaking. With his mother, one would expect he would show a level of care and respect. Respect embodies a knowledge and humble appreciation of the person, their qualities, what they have done for you, a desire to do what is best for them and to treat them well and not hurt them, a desire to show them you love and appreciate them and would not hurt them. That is not authoritarian.

I hope you will take on board what GoodMama has written above.

It is not authoritarian to remind a son who is being rude and unkind that he is speaking to his mother. The relationship is very special and the bond of love is huge. His ability to hurt her is therefore so much greater than if her were talking to a person with whom he works. He does need reminding that it is unkind and disrespectful to give a lecture to his mother about a small matter and to make her feel a level of distress that made her lose confidence with him and to say "I now feel I can't tell him my news in case I get another lecture and feel bad." Her words demonstrate he has damaged his relationship with his mother. He needs to take responsibility for this, make amends, show that he realises that lecturing his mother is not right. To compare her unfavourably with her DGD is inappropriate and hurtful. Anyway, it is only his view.

It makes me wonder why his daughter is so perfect. I imagine with such a controlling father who has such rigid views about small things and who is given to rendering stern unsolicited and crushing lectures when he is displeased with the behaviour of someone over a small matter that is of no concern to him... well... being raised in a regime of vigilant control with strict rules regarding the right way to do things and heavy penalties for infringements, wouldn't that lead to behaviour that is immaculate? Wouldn't a child living in this condition, knowing there is only one right way of doing a thing, fearing a crushing telling off, follow his rules to the letter? No child would dare put a foot wrong living in that atmosphere of threat! Living under the constant knowledge that any step out of line will bring down such soul destroying heavy criticism, would lead to very careful and perfect behaviour.

To get so worked up about the £15 eBay jumper is not normal behaviour.

To lecture one's older mother in such a serious and unfriendly tone, putting her down, making her feel apprehensive about talking to him about another matter for fear of another put-down, for a small thing such as this, is not normal behaviour.

It suggests a need to control. A need to condemn. A need to crush another person for something which is not important, and which is not his business and which was just an item of everyday chat. To turn an everyday chat into delivering to his mother a crushing lecture about the treatment of a £15 eBay purchase, that she gave to Charity, is crazy!

Alexa Perhaps it may be worth thinking, Alexa about why your DS is getting so worked up about such a small matter. Is he always like this or is this something new? Maybe he is feeling under pressure.

Whatever the situation, I think I would try and say to your DC that you are fearful of telling them something because you felt so demeaned/put down by your DS and do not want to go through that again. I think you have the right to say you feel it inappropriate for a person to speak to another that way and are especially hurt that your son spoke to you so critically in such an unfriendly tone, which the actual incident did not deserve. But refuse to discuss the eBay thing again!

Good luck! Try to let it go and not upset you. You know you are a decent and sensible person!

love from Elle x

my daughter does this with me. you have to turn round and say please dont speak to me like that .its really hurtful.. my daughter made me feel an inch high when she spoke to me in front of others at a church meeting .i was in tears. thing was one of the lady pastors said .mums always get treated like that. i asked whether she spoke to her mum like that .she did blush and say no. it can be really hurtful and you have to say that it hurts when you talk to me like that.

GoodMama

I just had to say thank you for putting so well exactly what I want to say but can't put into words without writing too much!!

You made 8 points and I was cheering at each one! Perfectly expressed! Exactly right! Thank you!

Alexa. Thanks so much for telling me! I couldn't stop worrying last night! I really am in support of you! I do know how horrible one can feel if an AC decides to treat us like a naughty school child and tells us off as if they are our Teacher! I do hope some of the replies here have helped you think of a way to deal with your other news. remember, you are in charge of your life. You have the right to make decisions. Like anyone you have the right to make mistakes, do things in a way you realise would have been better done another way etc. That's what life is about!!

I just wonder if your DS is worrying about something in his own life. To become so intense about a small matter that you were just chatting about - which shows it dint bother you - might suggest he is not quite comfortable about life in general. I know that my daughters' husbands have very demanding jobs. One in particular is always under pressure to perform and although he is something of a genius (imho) he is only as good as his last "invention", and has to prove that what he creates is the best by it making money in the International Marketplace. I am always in fear he will crack under the pressure or get burn-out. The other two SiLs also have to work extremely hard and even be available over Christmas for example. Life today is relentless to the people who are around our children's age at work. They are usually in the Management level and have to take so much responsibility.

I do hope you and he will soon be able to laugh about the jumper!
Take care of yourself! Try and have a bit of light-hearted fun. God Bless you. Elle x ?☕️?

It’s not about her adult son speaking to her kindly because she’s his mother and his authority.

They are peers. Both adults. Both with things they can learn from each other.

It’s just about rude behavior. He speaks this way with his wife as well. I doubt be speaks to his colleagues in this manner.

He needs to learn to speak to all people with kindness and to be polite, regardless of their relation to him.

She should stand up for herself because he was rude and his delivery was insulting. There is no excuse for it.

She shouldn’t have to accept his behavior because he’s knowledgeable in tech or eBay. Or even because she believes he was right.

Just like she shouldn’t expect him to be deferential to her because she’s his mother and authority.

They should be able to have disagreements and educate one another while remaining cordial and polite because that’s how people treat one another.