Brother criticised my son

Hsgi
That’s just it - he wasn’t speaking the truth. It was just criticism.
Far north
It’s not about how he made me feel - it’s about criticising my son because he was being mean. There was no truth in what he said. His family aren’t going through it so no one else really matters. That’s just how he is.
Hetty58
Spot on - I do wish I’d challenged him and said that, but I guess I though it may come out wrong. However next time I know what to say.
Thank you for your replies ladies

I think Florencerosie would feel much better now if she'd immediately challenged her brother's remark with a 'What do you mean, why would you say that?' and corrected her brother.

Being too polite and avoiding mentioning things just allows feelings to fester.

So tell your brother how he made you feel, and give him a chance to apologise.

He didn't make her feel anything, but it is how she feels.

Family is family, not worth bickering. If what he said upset you, you should be able to tell him in a calm manner that you do not appreciate him talking about your son like that. Then change the subject and make sure you never talk about his family to him. He will take the hint.

When i ended up in hospital for weeks, my family supported me completely! Even took care of my dog and gave me money when i found I was short.

Family is family, they may speak the truth, but you don't want to know! Just tell them to stop.

Thank you ladies for your advice and similar stories. That’s sad harmonypuss about your s and m as you say though you don’t need that negativity in your life.
Jay Lucy
It’s strange that you mention my b son because he is only few months younger than mine and he has a very good job and nice house but my brother does tend to compare - I really don’t know why. My son has for a long time said to me that my b is needy. Good thing is my son isn’t bothered by what my b said. He just says “oh mum, take no notice, I really don’t care what he says” I suppose you just think why? Why be mean at a very worrying time.
Anyway I know I need to step back from my b for now. I hope if he rings it’s not for a month or so as family are meant to be supportive aren’t they and right now he’s not. He’s never had much empathy for anyone unless it’s his immediate family and he’s not going through it.
On a positive note my son has an interview tomorrow and is doing ok.

I thought it so strange that at a time when your son needs a bit of support over something that is not his fault, that your brother decided to react like that!
I see no reason why you can't point out to him how hurtful you found his comments and would not be surprised if he comes back with "I was only joking!"
Wonder if your son up until now has been doing well when his son hasn't been doing so well , so there is a bit of jealousy there?
Either way, there are times when thoughts should be kept to yourself - and this would have been one of them!

I've had similar issues with both my mother and sister about my two sons, my sister was awful about my elder son and my mother has gone so far as to tell people that she has 4 grandsons when she actually has 5. In fact, they've both been horrendous to/ about me too.
I've spent years trying to sort it out with them, trying so very hard to find out why they feel the way they do and telling my boys along the way that sometimes people get weird ideas into their heads and that eventually they'd realise that they were wrong but after almost 20yrs of doing this my boys have grown up and have decided that they don't need such negative people in their lives. As a result, neither of my sons has any contact with my sister, my younger son only exchanged birthday and xmas cards with my mother and I've had no contact with either for a few years now.
I truly wish we'd been able to straighten things out and have good relationships across the family but this was not to be for us and life for the three of us is so much better without all the negativity.
I would suggest that you give your brother a wide berth for a short time, maybe he'll realise what he's said but the next time you do speak, remind him of what he said and let him know that he was wrong, your son has done nothing to deserve losing his job, we are in the middle of a worldwide pandemic and thousands are losing their livelihoods but also point out that he upset you by saying it too. Hopefully you'll get an apology and be able to get back on track but if he maintains his position on the subject, be prepared for your relationship to suffer. You are right, he's the one in the wrong, so you shouldn't really be the one having to chase him, he really should be coming to you with a sincere apology!

One should never, ever comment negatively on another person's family. My brother criticised me to my daughter many years ago and I thought that it was despicable. I said nothing as I avoid confrontations. Maintaining contact while keeping a distance is one way of handling such situations with relatives. Good luck.

Feeling vulnerable, knowing DS had lost his job you were in for the attack.Not aware of what your brother said needs careful thought in how you respond.Let your brother know your feelings 'in private' Take it from there as the last thing you want is a falling out with your brother but at the same time 'clear the air.'.

It sounds as though your brother is ued to being in control, has probably not had to deal with financial issues such as redundancy, and is not used to people pointing out his shortcomings to him. It is so difficult to know what's in someone else's mind when they say things and he may even have thought he was making helpful suggestions or dishing out tough love for you to pass on. Who knows? Like many have said, I would probably not make a big issue of it at the moment and keep the communication channels open. Perhaps, once your son has secured a new job, you could tell your brother about it and insert a comment that counters in some way the negative thing your brother had said. If, for example, he said your son was too quiet for his own good or a bit abrupt and hadn't engaged well with customers/colleagues and that's why he'd been let go, you could point out the new job is a customer-facing role and he's been complimented on his interpersonal skills.....He will hopefully realise his earlier comment was out of line. he might even apologise!If not, I'm not sure what else you can do.
I hope your son finds a suitable job soon - many people are in the same position.

My brother and his wife didn’t have any children until I had some. So then they had their first. My eldest had been given a shiny new something and their little darling wanted it. My darling refused to hand it over and I got a lecture from SIL on how they would teach their children to share.
I sucked it up. In the interest of continuing a relationship. I love my prickly SIL and dearly love my brother, and it’s a small thing in the scheme of things.
That’s what you have to do in order to continue with relationships don’t sweat the small stuff. Sucking things up maybe aught to be on the school curriculum.

I fell out with my brother a few years ago. I had experienced a very recent bereavement and he was very insensitive. I completely blew my top and said I never wanted to see him again. However, when the dust settled I realised he’s always been lacking in empathy or tact. I reacted because I was in a bad place. I saw him at a family do and said sorry. He said he was sorry and all’s good now! Life is definitely too short and family too precious to let a few silly comments cause a long term rift.

I am going through exactly this but with friends. Just over a year ago they decided to tell us exactly what they thought of son#2, we have just managed to get back to some relationship with them when last night they did the same but about son#1. I'm so hurt but gutted to lose their friendship. Can't imagine if it was family, that must be even harder for you

Without knowing what your DB said it's difficult to tell if you are being too sensitive or your DB was being too critical, or maybe a mixture of both. I know of someone in the same situation where the parties went from being very close to never speaking again from that day. It was so difficult for the rest of the family. Actually, in that situation, I think most of the family thought there was a bit of truth in what had been said, but obviously highly inappropriate to say anything. So glad you're supporting your DS but not holding a grudge against your DB. Who knows he may yet apologise for his behaviour.

Emily I was brought up to believe, by parents who had psychiatric training, that my emotional response was my own responsibility. As a result, I do not engage in conversations with others as to how they made me feel as I was taught that that is how I 'choose to feel'.

That’s interesting. I agree that we’re responsible for our own feelings & (to a certain extent) can choose, for example, whether to feel offended or whether to shrug something off.
But I’m not sure that it necessarily follows that we shouldn’t share how we feel with others.
I was taught that as part of conflict resolution, after first asking the other person if it’s ok to mention something to them, that you then go on to describe the impact their behaviour had had on you, ie how they made you feel.
If they understand this, it’s the first step in resolving the misunderstanding.

I think many people are feeling very ‘down’ at the moment and are saying, and doing, some hurtful things.

I’m sorry your brother is one of these people, so it may be best to cut yourself off for a few weeks to see if he improves.

Try not to fall out with him - there are many families who have lost loved ones during this pandemic, and are feeling empty.

Blacksheep 46

You obviously didn’t read my post properly - I said I don’t hold a grudge, why would I.

Jaxie

Thank you - totally understand what you are saying. Why are some people so judgmental. Yes, it was disloyal of your brother. Hope your son is enjoying his career now.

You have all my sympathy, it’s very hurtful of your brother. I had something similar: my son finished university and didn’t know what occupation to follow. He became a refuse collector for a while. At a wedding a friend of my brother’s who I hardly knew, came up to my son and said,” Isn’t it about time you got a proper job?” My son worked extremely hard, never signed on for benefits and eventually trained in computing. I could have murdered that person, obviously my brother had been gossiping to his friend about his nephew: how disloyal.

Sorry your brother made such a hurtful comment. I am glad you are going to take Suziehi's advice.

I was brought up to believe, by parents who had psychiatric training, that my emotional response was my own responsibility. As a result, I do not engage in conversations with others as to how they made me feel as I was taught that that is how I 'choose to feel'.

Florencerosie As the original poster all your subsequent posts on this thread will have a green background.

Don't be silly. Let it go let it go let it go. Hanging on to grudges will only hurt you more so let it go NOW !! your thoughts are only your thoughts that lead to your feelings that lead to your actions so do question your thoughts and promise yourself to Let it go let it go let it go. by all means tell your brother in a clam moment that you felt hurt by his attack on your son but that you have decided to let it go. Your brother is surely more important to you that a few words he said on the phone. You must have a lifetime of shared history behind you, we need to be kind to each other and to ourselves right now. Start that habit NOW - you will lead by example, you know you will.

All families are different, but if my brother had said such things about my son, I would tell him directly that I found it upsetting, I didn't want to lose friendship over it but I would if he ever said anything like that again about my children. I would explain that families must support one another in these difficult times and that your husband was also upset. Ask for an apology and see what the response is. He might not realise that he has been so insensitive. If the apology is not forthcoming then try to withdraw. It's always sad when families fall out and lose contact.

I’m sorry for the background colour - I obviously pressed a key by mistake, oops!

Thank you all so much for your replies and comments. It really is very much appreciated. I like your suggestion Suziehi. I am definitely taking a step back right now. I’m not angry or hold a grudge against him. It was hurtful and unkind.
My brother asked me if he was still working from home. I replied honestly(why wouldn’t I) that he been made redundant.
My OH said he’s very judgemental and lives in his own little bubble. He’s retired like us, and his 2 children have good jobs like mine had. He has no money worries. My son is very easy to get on with and there is no animosity between them at all.

Things have been a bit strained with my brother and his wife the last couple of years simply because they like to call the shots and if we don’t go along with it they don’t like it. Example of this: Xmas 2019 he asked us to go up (they are 1.5 hours away) we said that would be lovely. When I said we prefer lunchtime he just kept saying why can’t you come in the evening. As a result our invitation was withdrawn.
When he rings again though I won’t mention our son and if he does will just say he’s fine thanks and no more info.

Might it be a case of opening mouth before engaging brain - emotions are running high atm. Do hope your son has success