Breakdown in relationship with daughter

Hollie so awful having to cope with losing your mom and your daughter behaving as she has. There has been good advise given on here, please look after yourself and give it time. I am not close to my daughter and have had to reconcile myself that I never will be, but that doesn't seem the case with you and your daughter, she could be feeling a bit guilty who knows what she's thinking, she knows however, you were brilliant with your mother and test you live her very much. You sound such a caring person and you need an arm round you.

Thank you all very much for all you replies ,I will take bits from them all and let her have time to grieve I did not ask my brother to get her to apologise aa someone pointed out I would never do that my brother did that himself also I asked my daughter if she wanted to write a piece about her nan and was there any songs she wanted included I put a photo of her
with my mum on the order of service sheets I tried everything to include her but as I have said it was very difficult with distancing due to covid and her working full time I had to press on with arrangements ,I hope we will be able to reconcile when she feels able I love her very much and all this upset is really upsetting me besides grieving for my mum.xxthanks again for listening and all your help.??

Sometimes it’s easier to channel grief into anger with nearest and dearest

I would either send her an email or write her a letter and post to her to Gently say "It was in the first instance, indeed my OWN mother who I have now lost and has now gone. Please let me grieve, and know that it was also your Grandmother". As my own daughter was the first grandchild for my parents, and I sadly lost my own mother 2 years ago, after the last 18 months of her life being hard on us all with the dementia but mainly though for my father visiting her daily in the care home. And just say that you are Deeply Saddened by her behaviour knowing that it was also her Grandmother and that you daughter was her first grandchild, and that she will be missed by you BOTH.

You sound like a wonderful person,looking after your Mum etc.Children ,of any age,can be thoughtless and she probably only sees her point of view.Obviously you don’t want to fall out with your daughter could you phone/ write and say “Is there anything of Grandma’s you would really like?” It would be a good way to start conversing again,you have to be the better person,even in this stressful situation,otherwise it will fester——- good luck,things will get better,talk to your friends,and treat yourself kindly you have handled everything very well,good luck.

I'd leave it for a couple of weeks and then try a tentative phone call or text. Sometimes people need time to process things.

She ought not to have spoken to you as she did and may well realise this.

I hope the situation gets resolved.

Give her time - she is grieving and copes by being angry.

Allow your daughter all her feelings and yourself yours. What you do about them is different. Respond to her with reasonableness however unreasonable you feel she is being to you. Trying to persuade (your brother) anyone to apologise is useless as it can never come from the heart that way - and the best 'apologies' are that ones that are not voiced, but, over time you see clear efforts to behave in a different way. Allow people their dignity, apologising can feel just too undignified for some people. You can tell your daughter you are sorry she is upset about (whatever it is that she is upset about) but that is not the same as you taking responsibility for her upset. You can reiterate that you did what you thought was right at the time and you really want to move forward with a mood of love and support. Find ways you can practically support each other, agree to discuss plans in future and to be honest about your feelings. Leave the past behind, it can't be undone - acknowledge it but then leave it.

I am so sorry for your sad loss and the grief you and your daughter are experiencing. Unfortunately, we always seem to vent our anger & upset on those who we love and who, we hope, will continue to love us in spite of it.

Take a deep breath and recognse that it is only because you love her and still continue to love your daughter, that she has the confidence to rage at you. It is so much better than taking it out on partners or children as so many, especially men. do. Grief and misery are difficult to articulate and the adrenalin stress so easily turns to rage.

It may seem odd, but please try to see through the hurt and let the grief settle down without rancour.

Just go on loving. ,

Either way let your daughter know somehow that you are sorry she was hurt, it was never intended, that you are grieving too and that you would love to hear from her when she feels able to discuss things without upset on either side because you are human and she is loved. It's all you can do to be fair to her and yourself

Good advice. At the same time, I do not think that you should "beat yourself up" in any way at all! Grief is not an excuse to behave so thoughtlessly however angry or upset you are and I speak as someone with a daughter who has suffered unimaginable grief in a very traumatic situation. A few times where she would snap at me unfairly, but even in all that pain, quite capable of seeing how unfair that was and apologising. Yes anger can be taken out on the people closest to you. That doesn't make it right.

Condolences at your loss.

Sincere condolences at the loss of your Mum

In addition to your loss you write about a very sad situation, a sad situation for you and for all those who are grieving the loss of you Mum.

As has already been said it "seems as if" your DD is having a tantrum.

From what you have said she is having an emotional outburst and you are A recipient of hurtful and unwelcome behaviour.

You may not be the only person she is treated this way.

Although when you are the one on the receiving end of this behaviour It Is Only Happening to You at that time.

Her behaviour hurts you, feels unjust and you expect more care and consideration from your Child than she is giving you at this time.

Not unreasonable to expect care and consideration and at the same time your expectations may be unreasonable.

You are both hurting.

Other have said grief takes many forms and the emotional hit from the articulated lorry of pain and loss that knocked you and your family sideways takes time to manage. So allow Time.

Time for both of you (all of you) to reestablish some sort of balance with-in yourselves.

Do not put a time limit on this process, grief has a time frame all of it's own and is different for us all.

Firstly finding any kind of balance/normality at this time is exceedingly difficult, work at accepting these real difficulties and then find a way to be Kind.

Be Kind to yourself.

Then find a way to show Love, Compassion and Strength to your family.

You are very probably feeling empty and lost right now and don't think you can find anything to Give - you are a Mum - you can do this.

Ask yourself what other stressors and anxiety is your DD dealing with in addition to the loss of your Mum/her grandmother ?

What other stressors and anxiety are you, your brother and other family members dealing with that also take make this painful time harder to deal with ?

Getting an understanding on "the other stuff" often helps towards a calmer understanding.

It would be lovely if you got that consideration too but be very careful about expecting the understanding of others,

You said you "needed your children now" it's a hard thing to say but your children need their Parent now - that's you.

Sadly in your own pain and loss you are still Their (Her) Parent.

Even though you are The Child who has lost her Parent.

The support you need (it is OK for you to have support) you need to find from friends and or a counsellor. Some one has already suggested Cruse, good suggestion.

Find someone who is not grieving for you Mum to provide support to you.

As for you DD behaviour ? It isn't a time to demand changes from her nor is it a time for you to take this behaviour from her.

Finding the balance between not expecting caring behaviour and not accepting destructive is never easy so I wish you all the luck you need in finding that balance.

If you want a relationship with her after the worst of the pain and grief has passed STOP asking, expecting, getting others to ask her for an Apology.

TIME.

This is not the TIME.

May be in the future but not now.

I hope you find a way to get some support for yourself and that your DD finds a way to get some support too.

Grief is hard on everyone and in families we often hit the different phases of grief at different times and that is an additional burden on relationships.

I hope you find a way through this pain and that you and your DD have a relationship without anger and rebellion at some point in the future.

Wishing you the best possible outcome in this very sad situation.

Write her a short note, saying that you are sorry that she is obviously cross with you and hurt, but you honestly do not know what she thinks you have down wrong,

Mention that you are willing to listen, but only if both you and she can talk calmly about it.

If she phones and is hysterical or abusive, simply put the phone down again.

The only other thing is to give her time.

It seems to me that a lot of adult children are behaving extremely selfishly and badly in the face of bereavement these days. There is not a lot you can do about it,

Give yourself time to grieve for your mother and let your daughter stew in her own juice would be the way I would tackle it if I were in your place.

I think your daughter is just feeling overwhelmed at the loss of her champion and it is coming out in anger directed at you. I don't think it would have helped your brother having a word because it would seem to her that you were ganging up against her. Of course, it is quite normal for you to be upset too as it was your mother. If you had looked after whilst she had dementia, I suspect you had a sense of relief too that she was no longer suffering but also it was lifting a burden from you too. I expect that you also have lost a big part of your life because caring for someone for such a long time also gives you a sense of purpose. She might sense any relief and feel angry about that but doesn't know how to verbalise it.
I might be completely wrong but I know that is how I felt when my Grandad died in similar circumstances. I also felt very angry too at times. My mother and aunt, having side stepped caring for him, suddenly took over arranging the funeral and I was shoved aside so I was doubly angry. I am amazed my relationships with them survived!
I think if it were me, I would send a card to my daughter telling her how much I loved her and had had no intention of upsetting her. Perhaps give her the chance to say how she would have liked to have been included because it is important to you that you learn from this. Let her know you don't want to fall out with her and will always be there when she is ready to communicate again.
I hope you get things sorted out, it must be really hard for you.

The OP didn't demand an apology through her brother Whatdayisit, she posted that her brother asked her D to apologise.

Dibbydodd I'm sorry to read that you are being treated so badly by your D. It's a terrible shock when our own children behave so cruelly.

I agree Tea3 and Whatdayisit and how a situation is handled can greatly affect the outcome. It would be tragic if this situation were to escalate and IMO whether she likes it or not, it's the OP's D who should be apologising and shouldn't need to be told so.

I think you just need to let time pass, and the dust to settle. Don’t push it, and hopefully any animosity will fade away. Most people, I would assume, are on short fuses at the moment....and just feeling low generally. Least said soonest mended. Let the grieving stages pass uninhibited, for both of you. Maybe you can get the support you need from your son for now. He may be feeling it too, so you could help each other. I do hope you feel better soon?

Ps i do agree with Tea 3 but it depends what outcome you want from this as to how you handle things.
My exmil demanded an apology from her daughter after a death and subsequently they didn't speak for over 8 years. The word sorry was never uttered and 8 years of seeing her grandchildren were lost.

When my partner of 22 years passed away year last October, I took it very bad and hit rock bottom , then to make matters worse , my daughter had a big fall out with me few weeks after the funeral , mainly because of how I’d felt the way my partners son treated his dad which , to me , was unforgivable, but my daughter thought his son was wonderful and disliked my attitude towards him . All this couldn’t have come at a worse time as I was already suffering the most awful grief .
I did try, so many times , to say I’m sorry to my daughter, to tell her that I loved her and missed her so very much ,but she stood her ground . The year has gone by with absolutely no contact from her whatsoever, ignoring Mothers Day , my birthday and , worst of all , this past Christmas.
But , as time has gone by , I have become to feel that I don’t like my daughter anymore, don’t like her for what she has done to me , kicked me down when I was already down with grief , my own mam and dad would be mortified by her actions if they were still alive , as this behaviour isn’t really acceptable in the family I grew up in . Sounds awful I know , but her behaviour has not only affected myself but the wider family also , including her brother.
All I can say is to give your daughter the space to grieve and let her come around in her own way , let her own consciousness prick . I’ve read so many stories of estrangement on here and through friends , I find it so hard to understand how the babies we gave birth to , whom we cuddled, loved and cherished, gave them our all and our very our best, , can then hurt their mothers so badly . All I know is that I could never , ever treat my own mother in such a way as it would break my own heart in doing so .

So sorry that you have lost your mum in these hellish times.
My mum always used to say least said soonest mended. . I feel, and i am not justifying her actions by saying this, but demanding an apology through your brother is a little heavy handed.
You don't need an apology, you may want one but it's not necessary. It's how family trench warfare starts.
Personally as her parent you need to say to her i am sorry you feel this way it has been a very difficult and painful time for us all.
Keep the door open for her to come back without begging her or laying down conditions. Hopefully time can heal you all.
At least you and your brother know you both did your best for your mother when she needed you both.

Grief takes on many cloaks - you’re both grieving give it time.
I lost my Dad 4 months ago. Had a stepmother and 4 stepsisters to deal with regarding funeral arrangements. We’re all grieving differently.

A friend of mine lost her husband just before the first lockdown so they were able to have a “normal” funeral followed by a reception. In all the shock she tried hard to involve all the family in the arrangements including her MIL. Afterwards the MIL made it very clear to everyone that she felt she hadn’t been involved and that she was most unhappy with both the funeral and the reception. Apparently she felt the service was “too religious” and the food was “cheap and nasty.” My friend who had always had a good relationship with her was so upset by this. She was wisely advised to allow time and the shock to pass. All is well now.

Throwing a tantrum and making her grandma’s death all about herself is a good way of absolving herself from doing anything for you. I think she is being a self centred little madam and, as with a toddler tantrum, ignore it.

Yes, anger and guilt come with bereavement. My suggestion for all it's worth, avoid speaking to her (so easy to say things you don't mean and can be hurtful), instead email or write a letter, carefully composed letting her know you don't blame her for anything but you will be there for her when she feels better?

I think that your daughter is possibly pushing you away now because of her own grief and anger at losing someone so loved. It always comes as a shock to loose a close family member however expected.By doing and saying these things to you now She can then distance herself from any grief she would feel if anything happened to you I think it’s a protection mechanism to prevent us from being hurt.
She loves you very much , give her time , give yourself time to grieve your mum .Also accept some of the relief you must feel at the burden being lifted from you . It’s a frightening time for everyone at the moment and you will all come together again .

She's going through one of the stages of grieving of anger. It's not really at you, but you are sadly bearing the brunt.
Maybe she is feeling guilty that she didn't or couldn't have done more for her grandmother while she was alive, maybe she assumed that when you were planning the funeral, that every decision that you and her uncle made would be run by her, so feels sidelined, even though you did ask if her children would like to contribute by choosing a hymn or song. Maybe you should have asked her to choose or maybe a poem or reading?
As these days funerals feel incomplete without a wake. Would it be an idea to say to her that you are planning to have a celebration of your mum's life at some point in the future and were hoping that she would be in charge of that? Just be prepared for the "well you didn't ask me for the funeral, so you must be joking" response.

This is really horrible and I am so very sorry you are having to deal with it.
No matter what her feelings, your daughter has no right to behave like this towards a woman who has just lost her mother after years of solo coping.
Keep your distance, don't make contact and take the time to grieve that you need. If your daughter gets back in touch, tell her that you love her but spell out how exhausted you are from caring for your mum that your feelings of grief need to be addressed now. If she starts to be unpleasant just repeat that you need time and space to grieve and put the phone down.