Do you think people judge you if you’re estranged from members of your family?

Yes there are two sides to every story.
I always think my mother may have done better with a different child, but who knows.
I think things were better for my brother, but he knew when to keep his head down, and his mouth shut. Skills I never really learned,

"Some people just do not accept that there are bad mothers" I agree Cornishpatsy just as there are some people who don't accept there are bad adult children.

Why do you think you'd make that assumption AmberSpyglass?

Even close friends and other family members can be duped EllanVannin, that wasn't the case for us thankfully but I do know of instances where this has happened.

I think that sometimes estrangement just happens. Currently my two older daughters see life from very different perspectives. One doesn’t see the other as a friend and the other has preconceived ideas about what her older sister is thinking or feeling. Communication between them is very on and off and bad feeling exists. Just now they are both talking to me that puts me as piggy in the middle. Nobody is to blame but I wish they would try to sort it out. At the bottom of it is lack of trust.

Earlier in my life my father and his brother did not speak for more than 20 years, all over the brother standing on a newly seeded grass area. Alcohol certainly played a part. As my father was dying from cancer, I persuaded my cousin to bring her father to visit and finally they were talking again. They spent all afternoon in private and I think they finally made their peace. My father died the next night.

Estrangement is very sad and I don’t blame anyone. Who knows the whys and wherefores of others personal circumstances?

If a child has estranged themselves from their parents then yes, I suppose I would assume that the parents are at fault

I think it is dangerous to make any assumptions in these circumstances. Every single estrangement story is different and with different circumstances and personalities involved. I do not understand why you would assume the parents must be at fault?

I think people do judge, I have certainly been judged. My Father wished me dead and told a story of me that people believed. My Aunt has told my Mother he has gone no contact with his second marriage children and now those from his third too. I imagine it was still my fault though! I am past caring these days. He would have most probably complained about the Dalai Lama

Yes, people do judge. Look at Maria Callas, she was completely estranged from her ambitious mother and was harshly judged.
Eventually it was revealed that her mother probably was bipolar and was cruel to her (revealed in letters etc.). She had lost an adored baby son before Maria and was not consoled by
another girl.
I’m estranged from my youngest sister who suffers from paranoid schizophrenia as I’m frightened to be with her, she is violent, like my father and turns on me. It’s a great sadness to me as we were so close growing up, but I have no qualms about not seeing her and it really does not matter what the world and his wife think. We are all entitled to some peace in life.

I don’t think blood is necessarily thicker than water, I have friends who mean a lot more to me than my only sibling, although we have not become estranged, I hardly ever see him.
Growing up, there were adults in my life who were far more kind and caring than my parents.
I think I was one of those annoying little girls who tried to push myself into other peoples families, but if it was resented, no one ever told me to go home, I was fascinated by the relationships of my friends and their families.

I totally agree Sara.
I’ve been treated better by friends than some in my own family.
A loving, close knit family, is absolutely wonderful, and something we’d all want,
But for some of us ( possibly many of us ) it just didn’t happen and we carve our own path.

Yes, their is a tendency to judge. It could be the fault of the other family member but equally the poster might be the one causing the problem.
How can one tell? Both parties could probably make a good case for the other being to blame. I’m afraid it’s not black and white.

My mother told so many lies about me to so many people that I was judged.

We were only estranged for a short period of time.

There are always two sides to every story, I honestly stopped caring what she said as most of the people that were taken in by her didn’t matter to me.

She is dead now and I am grateful for every day that I am alive without her in my life.
It feels like I have been given a wonderful gift.

Yes, some will judge, as AmberSpyglass does in assuming if an adult child estranges, the parents are to blame.

Missfoodlove
I relate to your comments regarding life being a gift
As soon as I said the words, that we were finished, it was like the biggest weight had lifted from me, and I knew I would never go back.
I feel a better person without her in my life, she brought out the very worst in me.

I am close to two of my sons and see them regularly. My middle so lives down the road nit far and doesn’t keep in touch with us. We still go regularly but it has become more of a chore than something we want to do. It shocked us to feel this way we have two grandchildren from this son and we still see them they are lovely and I think this is what makes us go more than seeing our son. He is quite talkative and ok when we. His wife has caused bother within the family and people are wary off her as we are now. We still will plod away but can see as the children grow older we will probably see less of them.

Agree with you Kandinsky.

I've only been judged by people who don't have good relationships so I don't worry about it because they are making it all about themselves when it isn't.

That's been my experience too Armadillo often projection is the cause of judgement.

Yes, judgement is out there.

No, I dont care for some " well intentioned" outside rose coloured view and suggestions how to reconcile with my narc parents.

I hope not - out of immediate family of 14 I am in contact with 3 of them!

Posted early by mistake.

It is not a decision that it is taken lightly.

People who know me respect my decision and have told me they fully understand. They have seen the real face of my parents vs the one my parents want to project.

Hi there, your comments are totally valid. They are equally valid when used by some parents who have reached the point of no return with abusive adult children.

Estrangement is painful for everyone involved. It isn’t something anyone has as first choice solution. It’s often after pain, heartbreak and realisation this will continue to dominate unless some kind of resolution is found. For some adult children, for some parents, estrangement is the conclusion.

Judging others and having some as you say ‘well intentioned, rose coloured spectacles’ view of reconciliation is just not helpful.

You are probably judged initially but I like to think that as time goes on and you behave in a certain way most people will come to realise that their initial judgement was wrong. If they don’t then they aren’t worth worrying about.

I am estranged from my brother since my mother died. I dared to voice my disagreement with the way he was handling the estate as executor. Rather than discuss he told me to have no contact with him ever again in any form. He had already done this many years previously when he and sil cut her father who was never allowed to see his gc again. Also more recently when he refused to communicate with Social Services because they wouldn’t put mum in a home although she had dementia. I had to deal with them from 200 miles away. Brother’s children took his side. However after several years just sending Christmas cards and presents for their children they are returning cards with friendly notes and love.
The moral is I guess that what you are will hopefully come out in the end and others will realise you are not the bad person they originally thought.

"The moral is I guess that what you are will hopefully come out in the end and others will realise you are not the bad person they originally thought". That's a lovely thought Avalon and as well as not being as bad as someone thought I would add or as someone has been told.

I'm a true believer that the truth will always come out in the end and I just hope that as far as our estrangement is concerned, that happens in our life time.

I also think that those points are equally valid when expressed by some parents who have been estranged by their AC Iam.

Maybe we should think of some of these situations as “healthy separations” rather than negative estrangements.

I tend to look at patterns.

As an example, my sister and BIL have had periods of estrangement from my parents. None of the other five of us kids have ever been estranged from them. Sadly, my BIL eventually became physically abusive to my sister (he had been emotionally abusive for years, it turns out) and he is currently incarcerated because of it. My parents certainly weren't abusive to us.

OTOH, we are estranged from FIL. FIL tried to destroy our marriage, body-shamed me and our impressionable young daughter (who eventually ended up with an eating disorder, thankfully it has never gotten serious and she is doing better), financially abused us, and is completely self-absorbed. My SIL (BIL's wife) can't stand him either and refers to him as His Lordship (Hubby and I refer to him as Mr. Wonderful in an ironic way). My other SIL (Hubby's sister) has had an on and off relationship with him, although she's been that way with most of the family. If two of your children's spouses and one of your children can't stand you, that's a pattern. A pattern would tend to lend itself to Occam's razor - the solution with the fewest assumptions tends to be correct.