i am 63, and in a bad marriage approaching its 40th year.
Too much to say here as its insane why i stayed when i look back over what has gone on.
In short though i am very honest in my failings through the years, but DH is not, saying it would be fine - if only i did...
However i have worked in jobs i hated to ensure a regular income and that bills are paid.
By contrast he has a lifestyle as an erratic jobbing small builder. He is good at what he does, but does not get his bills in on time, hence unreliable cash flow , so I pay all the household costs, mortgage etc. And he gives me money towards bills as and when.
In 2019 things were good between us for the first time in many years and i was hopeful... but then in November 2019 i discovered he was having an affair with a recently widowed woman. he was remorseful, and i agreed to give it a go.
He left in November but not to live with her, and returned in March 2020 just before the first lockdown. I think she ended it because it was messy. He says he ended it. I dont believe him.
Again there is far too much here to give you the real story, but it was a dreadful time.
I then found out in May of 2020 that this is the 3rd time in 15 years he was mixed up with this woman ( who has moved onto someone else now) . I met her and had a grown up conversation with her, so know so much detail. I believe her not him.
I asked him to move house with me for a new start at this point in life as we were getting on, I have always hated where we live - (he loves it )and he agreed, we have been here 30 years.
it was difficult in lockdown to make this happen and so time ticked on - and he is now refusing to move.
Yet he was willing to leave me for her, but yet not leave the house for me.
He rages at me says i make his life a misery, and i now regret him coming back.
I want to retire - he has no pension but i do, so i think he knows he needs me for his old age.
He wont leave, says why should he. I cant afford to leave and rent as pay all the bills and loans and wont default. And then cant retire.
There is 2 years left on the mortgage . The house is worth 300k, i said we can go halves , but he refuses to sell, it a joint mortgage but i pay it all.
I know i am subtly controlled and manipulated, there is no violence, but instead child like rages from him. I think he really wants to be with this woman and now she has another blames me, but he will not talk a single word, just goes off the deep end about me, calls me names etc..
I know i have made alot of these problems by always giving in, but i have no family ( parents dies when i was young ) no siblings. We have 2 sons who don't like their dad, but also don't know the extent of the problems at home. They have issues of their own, so i don't burden them. And tbh life was tolerable - as long as he got his way. but i had friends and a job, and it was ok.
I spent money on a counsellor, but while it helped me, as soon as I speak to him I crumble as he goes nuts. Yet i am quite feisty, and pretty articulate, whereas he goes mental and sounds like a 5 year old, yelling and raging. I am at the end of my tether now
He has trapped me, and I hate him for it, i am spiraling into a dark place, and barely surviving emotionally. I am starting to wonder if he is mentally unwell - he has some odd behaviours, and is 66. I don't know where to go with any yof this and its taking its toll on me.
