Different pace in retirement

Why are you asking on here? Surely you should be sitting down talking to your other half about the way ahead not asking complete strangers who really can't advise as they know nothing of the ins and outs of your relationship....

You're both 'youngsters'. The early 60's is no age to be just 'pottering about'. There's a big wide world out there to see. Taking it easy can wait at least another 10 years.

I am like your wife and love to potter at home because I spend so much time out of it at work and get quite homesick. We're not retired yet, but I have tried in the past to persuade my husband to go travelling on his own when there was the opportunity, but he won't even though he would love it. He thinks we should go together. I totally disagree. We are not joined at the hip, and I see nothing wrong with enjoying different things separately, even holidays. For one thing, it's cheaper than going as a couple and you may want to go somewhere the other isn't interested in. I love spending hours in art galleries and museums or going on massive walks. He likes to do as little as possible if on holiday. This is NOT a good reason to end your marriage and the fact that you can travel where you want to and she is fine with this surely shows you have a strong, trusting foundation to your relationship. If you are restless, pursue your interests, I'm sure with her blessing. Yes, I do think you're being a tad selfish, but at least you're thinking about it seriously. Have a conversation and find things you like to do together. My needs are very simple and sometimes I will get engrossed in things that do not involve my husband, but we still have our common ground, usually in the home/garden or trips in this country. Perhaps your wife is a nervous flyer or worried about leaving the home unattended. Yes, do have a nice chat about this. Once again, there's nothing wrong with solo travelling.

I can empathise, and I guess we are all aware and want to use this small window of time in our 60’s - when we hopefully have the energy still to travel, before age and diminishing fitness preclude doing some things. I am very much aware of being in a small window of time here.

Your wife is below state pension age, does that affect her thoughts and plans? It has been harsh having a full 6 years added to our working lives.

Could you have a meeting (over a nice pub lunch?) to plan out how you each see your retirement, your futures going forwards, to see exactly how your wife sees her own wishes, plans, desires panning out for the next 5 years?

Has she worked hard raising a family for example, and is now relishing time for herself, relaxing, with fewer commitments?

In answer to your question of travel, for example in some informal friendship groups I meet couples abroad where the lady is happy to spend her days resting, reading and relaxing poolside, where her husband joins us, an informal group of walkers, he spends his days with us - and both are very happy with their arrangement, they each get what they need.

Also, for example, winter sun in the Canaries, have found it very easy as a single traveller in a hotel to meet up casually and informally with lots of other similar-aged people who enjoy walking, the company of others and exploring. I think by going on one solo holiday, you can easily meet others and then it opens further travel and friendship options going forwards.

I would also say, with hindsight, if there is an activity that you love doing, I would urge you not to give up on that, even if you have to continue it alone. My own experience is that it can lead to regret or resentment later on. I loved a particular sport, but abandoned it for 20 years because I felt precluded from going alone. I restarted in my 60’s, I regret the missing years.

It's me who's the traveller. For the last 20 years I've travelled alone. No problem.
He also enjoys showing dogs - before CV I stayed at home, he went to dog shows. No problem there either.
We do lots of things solo, we've been married 61 years so I don't think our marriage is going to fall apart over it. Is this what's worrying you - are you feeling stale and looking for a reason?
Stop. Be yourself, be honest with yourself and her.

I would have struggled to accept it if my husband had wanted 10 weeks away. I'd have immediately questioned my relationship! Are you just getting away maybe?

You say I have I suppose an attitude of making the most of every day and sometimes struggle with the fact that my partner doesn't share this view.
You say she "doesn't share this view", - are you sure she doesn't also want to enjoy every day?
For some, reading, gardening, having a friendly ahat IS making the most of every day... It does sound a bit judgemental to be honest. She may see your being "obviously" busy and "out and about" is pointless and empty. I think you need to talk about your relationship as you seem (to me) to be ready to pack things in. Maybe you just don't love her enough anymore.
Good luck.

ExD you have put this better than I did.

Stop. Be yourself, be honest with yourself and her.

My husband loves to travel to far flung places and I don’t. I’m happy to explore Britain and we’ve been to Iceland and Norway. He goes once a year on his travels but I don’t want to go long distance like he does. We have no desire to change things. He respects my feelings and I his. Many people would complain about him going way for long periods, or the cost etc. He might complain about my solitary pursuits. We don’t. We give and take. No desire to break things up or force the other to compromise. It’s different if you feel the entire relationship is over regardless, but otherwise unfair, in my view.

Sounds like your wife is intent on growing old before her time which is a shame especially as travelling is something you still want to do. Hopefully she will give you her blessing to go and have your adventures. Sad though it’s an important part of your life and sharing experiences with your partner is the icing on the cake.
I have travelled a lot on my own in the past, though recent years I’ve travelled with my now ex partner. I have been investigating what is available for those wishing to travel alone but be part of a group, and there is a lot of choice out there especially for the most adventurous who want to go long haul say to Asia, S America, Africa. Wherever I’ve been along I’ve always found people friendly and had amazing experiences.
Only the two of you can decide whether to go your separate ways, which sounds sad if you’ve been together a long time. Hopefully you can find happy comprises short breaks together in the U.K. and when travel permits you can go off for further adventures. Enjoy your travels , we all need armchair memories though we all have different expectations to fulfill in life.

Rubicon12

Hi all, thanks very much for your comments. Perhaps my initial post focused a little too much on the travel aspect which I feel we can find a way to handle. My issue was more about differences in how to live in retirement as I am restless by nature and want to always be busy, my partner is more laid back and can while away the day doing very little. I have I suppose an attitude of making the most of every day and sometimes struggle with the fact that my partner doesn't share this view. I wondered if any of you on the forum have a similar experience and how best to work around differences like this. Many Thanks

I am the restless, active one whilst DH is quite happy pottering around the house. We never have never been 'joined at the hip' couple. We follow our different interests as well as doing things together. Long holidays are a thing of the past and not just because of Covid. I have accepted that home is his safe place. I did one long haul on my own, but it wasn't the same without him to share it with. I am just back from my first swim since November and feeling tired but much better for having been out and active, other than walking! I've hated the inactivity of lockdown 3 but lockdown made no difference to him, apart from not mixing with our family and friends. In summary, we do things together and we do things apart. Works for us. I hope you can find your own balance. Good luck.

Mmmm. Might be worth printing out a copy of your marriage vows!
Like many posters, my husband and I have completely different interests. Put me in a sparkly dress on the stage doing a Shirley Bassey impression (how I'm missing my amateur dramatic group) and I'm in heaven. He'd die rather than draw attention to himself. Put me in front of 100 children to tell stories in a local school assembly? Yep. That's me, too. Bridge / chess / stamp collecting/ anything intellectual ? That's my lovely husband! And he's a traveller, too, whereas I love growing vegetables. Before this pandemic, I was more than happy for him to go away for 3 weeks at a time for his Italian courses. We work around our differences because we love each other and because our vows in front of God and our wedding guests were and are meaningful. It's easy to look over the fence and see that the grass is greener there - but it's greener because it's sprayed with dung! Go travelling on your own or with a (male) friend. Come back with lots to tell your wife - and hope that she doesn't take her marriage vows as lightly as you do!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I second the advice to have a serious talk with your partner about how you both view retirement and what you want to do once you both have retired.

It sounds to me as if her lack of interest in travelling could be due to many different things. Here are some suggestions:

She has a completely different view of holidays to you.
You and she have argued formerly about this and she has got to the point where it is easier to stay at home than to find the kind of holiday that suits you both.

She dislikes air travel or whatever you usually use.

She really does prefer staying at home, perhaps because she is an avid gardener, or you have pets that she dislikes leaving( putting into bording-kennels).

Another possiblity is that right now, working part time is becoming too much for her and that she is just longing for the day where full retirement will dawn. And that when she is off work she is basically too tired to want to go anywhere.

Yet another possibility is that she dreads retirement, seeing it as formless, boring and more or less a waiting-room for death.

She could also be worried about expenditure and feel that you, as a couple, do not have enough money for travelling.

If none of this rings any bells, you definitely do need to ask her what views she has for retirement.

Be honest about your own views, but start by asking her hers, and try really to listen to what she says without interupting her, unless there is something you really do not understand.

I find too often that my DH jumps to conclusions whilst I am explaining things and hares off down a wrong track. I then have to stop him and say, "That was not what I meant or was going to say." then explain what I was working up to.

I hope you can have a constructive discussion with her about your future.

If she says there is nothing to discuss, then perhaps you should consider making changes.

Please bear in mind that ending a relationship is hard, emotionally and financially - some form of counselling might be a good first step.

You need to find other ways to use up your energy and need for interests. Why concentrate on travel? You say your partner accepts this but you feel you should travel together. Would a short break say to somewhere in Europe be interesting to your partner rather than long adventures
I used to go off on my own on trips. DH accepted I did but he didn't want to. Now I just cannot be bothered with having to put up with what is recognised as the human race at airports and on planes and just travel within the UK. You need to think deeply about your relationship in that you find your approach to life so different. Discuss the situation, you may find something very simple is at the root of your partner's reluctance to travel and live life on the edge.

My husband and I were married for 50 years and had very different interests and very different attitudes to money. He liked to spend his money on travel, I did not. So we each earned our money and spent it as we wished, quite amicably and whilst bringing up 3 children. After he died I had an established social life and enough savings to live comfortably. The situation might have been very different if all my money had gone on travel and during the marriage our separate interests made for an interesting relationship. Try it!

You maybe married but you are not joined at the hip you no lol. My dad brought me up always saying you get one roll of your dice of life. You should live everyday like it’s your last. Why do you need your wife to go. Can’t you go with a friend. It will give you both space apart to look at your life’s and what you want from each other. Covid as taught us life’s too short.

What does the OP mean by ‘pottering’, though?
I suspect it may well mean doing various things that personally he wouldn’t be interested in, or bothered about.

TBH I don’t agree that anyone is entitled to tell a spouse - especially one who’s still working part-time - how to spend their time, or how they ought to want to spend it. People who like telling other people what they ought to enjoy, whatever it may be, are IMO a major PITA.

I would look at your relationship as a whole before thinking about going your separate ways. If this is just one little niggle is it really worth parting? My neighbour loved to travel, her DH did not, so she enjoyed holidays with her niece. He didn't particularly like being left behind but it was his choice to stay at home. Their marriage survived, but that may not suit you. A little time apart may make you appreciate each other more. You don't have to be like two peas in a pod to have a happy marriage.

I am in the same position as you, husband won't/doesn't want to go abroad and is happy watching telly every night. So in November 2018 I embarked on a weeks holiday on my own to test it and I had a really nice time -it's a bit more difficult for women I think because most people asked where was my husband! Despite this I enjoyed it and when lockdown eases I am planning to go again. We are both members of U3A and I have met lots of single ladies who have become good friends. The answer is keep travelling, join a club or something and spend the rest of the time at home with your partner.

My husband and I are different as well, he likes to keep busy where i am content just to mosey along. We both do our own things and are happy. You cant expect your partner to like all the things you like. As for the travelling thing, we are a bit the same, a few years ago he wanted to do a long driving trip, i was not so keen so he made sure we had lots of stops and we agreed to stop and see things that interested both of us. Maybe your partner is just not interested in where you want to go?

If I remember correctly, on your last thread you weren't prepared to help your wife with travel costs because you felt she hadn't saved for retirement as well as you think she should have.

If that is so and this is still going on, maybe you need to decide if you are willing to change and support her so she can stop having to work. Maybe then she'd be able and willing to accompany you? If not, then she is tied to keeping working which will stop her from having as much ability to travel. If these obstacles are removed and she still doesn't want to travel and it's not resolvable, you'll have to consider other options like travel alone or with another companion. This can only be worked out after a good heart to heart with your wife.

Witzend

What does the OP mean by ‘pottering’, though?
I suspect it may well mean doing various things that personally he wouldn’t be interested in, or bothered about.

TBH I don’t agree that anyone is entitled to tell a spouse - especially one who’s still working part-time - how to spend their time, or how they ought to want to spend it. People who like telling other people what they ought to enjoy, whatever it may be, are IMO a major PITA.

my thoughts entirely! Also, I often say to my husband I do all the jobs that are invisible and it's only when I stop doing them that anyone even notices!

It’s a shame your partner seems to be content with a much quieter life than you and early 60s is young if you have no medical problems. But if it is really just about travel and she is happy to let you go off for weeks at a time it seems sad to split up. The grass isn’t always greener ........ as one of our friends who left his wife when he was 70 soon found out. I’ve been on several group holidays with either DH or a girl friend. There are always singles on these trips, often they pal up but equally couples pal up with them too. Couples in their 60s + don’t necessarily want to spend their time in ‘coupledom’, it’s good to chat to others.

You really need to get clear why she is not interested in doing more - is it because she's still working; is it health-related; is it because she needs more time alone (so that you going away gives her a break?) Is she depressed? Or are you both just, basically, incompatible? You also need to ask yourself if you will be happy to continue to travel alone? It reminds me of a friend of mine (female) who had the same issue with her husband when they retired - he just wanted to enjoy his home, get more into gardening and become more invoved in the village where they lived; she longed to travel frequently and have some advantures. He was happy for her to travel by herself - but she longed for someone to travel WITH. Eventually, they had marriage counselling and came to the realisation that they had both wanted different things for many years - but it had been obscured by work and children, never properly faced, and each thought that the other would come around to their way of thinking. They had to face the next 20-30 years of the same, or be brave enough to make a change - which they did, and divorced. 8 years on and (before Covid) she travelled all over the world and now has a new partner who is equally restless, and they have already travelled around SE Asia together (before lockdown) and now have lots of plans for more when lockdown is over, whereas her ex was soon snapped up by a local lady who shared his interest in gardening (they both now run the local organic gardening group). They are both MUCH happier. Only you and your partner can make the decision. PS the fact that she was fine with you going away for 10 weeks rings alarm bells for me - this needs to be addressed (preferably in relationship counselling with a neutral third person). You're clearly not happy with her - maybe she's equally as unhappy with you?

I wonder if Rubicon had reached the Rubicon in the relationship? Is there a subliminal message in the user name here?
It does sound like a serious conversation is needed as recent/pending retirement often triggers different bucket list, and to see if there is a workable compromise to meet in the middle. Depending on how finances work in the relationship, if they are not equally balanced, long haul holidays can be very expensive and this can inhibit decisions to spend on them if it would mean the partner sacrificing their financial security, or something else they want to do.