My daughter-in-law dominates my son

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I wince when I hear of people complaining about their spouses to their parents. Often times, the couple works through the issue, but the parents only hear about the negatives, which absolutely impacts how they view their DIL/SIL.

It's unfair to everyone, imo.

Who wants to have dinner with people who've heard private marital struggles with your partner? Or worse, has no clue that intimate marriage issues have been shared with the people who are at their dinner table?

There's a level of betrayal involved, I feel. If you're struggling in your marriage, you need to sort it with your spouse, perhaps with the assistance of a therapist (be it couples or individual), not be involving family members. You may forgive your partner, but there's zero guarantee your parents will. Parents and family members aren't neutral third parties.

It's quite possible that going to counselling on his own would give him strategies to start changing things, if there are enough positive things still in the marriage and he wants to make it better.
If he doesn't feel he can see a counsellor, there is quite a lot of material online about dealing with a controlling/domineering partner.
He probably can't/shouldn't attempt to change totally overnight but pick some areas where he feels his wishes are overruled and gently stick to his guns. He doesn't need to be aggressive with it. He can be loving and praise his wife for things she's doing well but stand his ground over one or to issues to start with. Maybe initiating discussions on things that are further in the future but she would normally just decide would allow time for proper agreement and compromise.
He may be in a management position at work, but negotiating with family members can be something else entirely! That said, he could consider strategies he might use in the workplace and how he might amend them to apply at home.
She also may not be aware of how domineering she is, especially if it was the norm in her family for her mother to make all the decisions when she was growing up. It may not be at the level of deliberate abuse, bullying, gaslighting etc and hopefully it's not too late to address it.
Probably all you can do is listen and be there for him without trying to fix it for him or be too critical of his wife.

A lot of mil's blame DIL for all the problems.I have seen and known many men who are happy to let their wives sort out their lives while they continue to live like single men .

Maybe ask your DIL is SHE happy in her marriage ,you may be surprised by her answer.Mothers tend to think their offspring can do no wrong,sadly that is rarely the case,there are young children involved maybe he doesn't do his share of childcare or help in the home ,maybe he spends on stupid stuff...you have no idea what goes on between them so dont jump to conclusions .
Main thing is you stay out of it ,if its as bad as you think and she is at fault then its not your problem its his.
Would you have liked your mother or MIL to interfere in your marriage?

Readerjb she sounds an absolute- lost girl. Seems she can only function when in full control of things.wonder what's made her like that? Oh ya! The mutti......you really cannot say anything about the situation other than be always there for your boy to "blow off" to.he'll have his time one day.

My sister was like this. Her husband left her. She refused to even go to counseling: it was all his problem apparently.

Yes it's a big problem but they have to sort it out/work on it. Don't get involved just be there to listen and to pick up the pieces for your son if it ends. The DIL could well react by restricting your access to GC's if she is upset by something you say. There's nothing you can do or say that will help. If that's just her personality then she won't change. My sister didn't.

Marriages are complicated things. How it appears might not be how it is, and all marriages have their ups and downs. Some survive, some don’t.

But, he needs to be discussing this with his wife, no one else. It’s not really helpful to involve other family members in marital problems,

He’s an adult with choices - he can either leave the situation as it is, show someone assertiveness and stand his ground, or leave.

I would stay right out of it. Getting involved will probably cause more problems for everyone.

Summerlove

It’s interesting
Once upon a time my in-laws would have said I was controlling everything in our family. DHs sibling was convinced they’d never seen him so miserable. That he was letting me be unfair to his family.

We have no idea where that idea came from. Perhaps an occasional complaint? They complained I’d changed him.

What they didn’t see was him quietly agreeing with me. Choosing not to do things as his family had done previously. It was all seen as him being weak. I found that so insulting.

What it was was him having support to not just fall in line.

But I was labeled the bitch who stole him for years. The bitch who dominated him.

Sounds like you’re writing my life with my husband’s family. His sister definitely didn’t help. She once said if my husband wasn’t her brother...she’d fancy him!? Not something I’d expect even in jest.

So there I had it, jealousy was the backbone of all our problems.

love0c

'Man up'? Staying with your wife, staying quiet, keeping her sweet in order to keep your children. That is the mark of 'A Man' in my opinion. Not everyone is willing to 'Man up', to put their children's happiness before their own.

This - and it almost makes a 'refreshing change' as 99% of the time, it is the wife/woman/mother, who has to do this to keep the family together.

Nothing you can do, as the mil, for sure, without making things a lot more difficult for them, the children and you!

"if you have bad things to say about your DIL and you may never see your GC again" and there in lies the problem. It's not just the GP's who are punished in this way, many father's have to fight tooth and nail to see their own children and of course, it's the children who suffer the most.

Just avoid taking sides! If they stay together this will open up a whole can of worms if you have had bad things to say about your DIL and you may never see your GC again. Just be supportive and be there, but do not encourage "disclosures".

Your son is a grown adult and has to deal with this situation himself. Sympathising too much will reinforce in him the idea that he is not capable of dealing with his own life and his own relationships - you could reinforce the powerless mode that his wife seems to have foisted on him.

He needs to be encouraged to feel he can deal with this; and given some support for his self-esteem, rather than going down the route of agreeing that his wife is awful.

Letting him "disclose" is fine up to a point, but you have to deal with the burden of this knowledge, which is not yours to bear. He has stated that things are not good, and all you can do is to reinforce his self-worth and encourage him to feel he can deal with it. You do not need to take this on.

Readerjb - As an existential psychotherapist my first reaction is to point out that we all have human agency and that your son has the power to make a choice about his relationship. However, if this had been a story about a daughter the first thing my mind could have gone to is the possibility of gas-lighting, because that really does throw up the fact that when one is being coerced, it's very hard to make changes as the power dynamic is toxic and in the favour of the coercer. Personally, I don't agree with the idea that your son has come whining to you - that's a rather unwholesome interpretation of the situation - he has reached out to you in the hope of either feeling better having aired his feelings, or of receiving some advice. If he's asked for help then it isn't wrong to give it. The suggestion that he has therapy himself is a good one because this could well help his self-esteem and ability to communicate assertively. I wonder what his response was when he and his wife left the couples counsellor, and his wife made a derogatory comment - if he had asked what she thought was ridiculous about the situation, he might know a bit more. Unlike other posters I would not advise you to keep out of his relationship as he's reached the point where he wants to disclose. So, I would try to do things that enable time together (son and dil) - offer to take the grandchildren for a weekend so they can have some private time.

My son had a wife like that - he was miserable for years but didn’t want to rock the boat. He was all but estranged from me when we had previously been very close. Then by chance he met someone and it seems as if it was a ’love at first sight’ moment for both of them. They didn’t start an affair, but it gave them both the impetus to do what they should have done years back. With this new lady in his life, I have my son back to his old self, and my eldest GS also commented that he felt like he had his dad back.
So if your DIL will not make the effort to appreciate your son, he will need to decide when he feels strong enough to leave, unfortunately you, like me, have to stand by and support him as best you can whatever he decides..

My last message was meant to be a private one to another poster.

Good luck! Your situation sounds worse than mine. You bring up your son to be courteous and polite, then find he’s taken advantage of. I do hope you can see your grandchildren

No it didn't love0c.

Had a couple of warm with mince pies with cream for our pudding.

My late father married a woman like this 25 years ago and was very happy with the situation. He hated being the ‘man of the house’ when married to my mother. When he got with wife #3 who was a childless divorcée school teacher and a bossy boots, he loved it. Couldn’t stand responsibility for anything!

No apology needed Smileless. I am just sorry if it caused you to feel bad in any way. Just seen you have made mince pies. I still need to make mine!

Yes I have misunderstood your post love0c I didn't realise you were referring to another poster. I apologise for the curtness of my response.

I agree Tinydancer some of the responses are shameful and would never have been made if the OP was talking about a D and not her son.

Listen but don't interfere. He needs to sort this out himself not through his mum and dad It is hard to watch a child being hurt by their partner but you need to watch what you say about the wife. If they do get back to a good relationship together then you can be quoted if you have spoken up.
I have seen this in our wider family

Our son went off the rails after he'd been married for 6 years and had a child from another woman. A year later he and his wife got back together. Ever since then, he tried to sort of make amends, by giving in to everything his wife wanted. Now 15 years later they've split up -a mutual decision. He told us that he's not going to say a word about his wife won't put up with others saying anything either. The only thing he's said is -at last I'm thinking about my family and not putting everyone else's first. A word of advice, listen to what he says if he needs to talk, but keep out of it and let them sort themselves out.

All those posters who are posting about using children as a weapon and condemning the DIL on that basis, please note that it has nothing to do with this OP.
She says right at the start that they have “plenty of access to the grandchildren”.

In regard to the comment made after counselling.
Firstly, it is a real betrayal of trust to talk to anyone else about what has gone on in couples counselling. She would be fully justified in being very upset that he had taken that back to his parents.

Secondly she may have felt it was ridiculous because no progress had been made, not because she thought counselling was ridiculous. Both parties in counselling need to listen to the other and too be willing to change.

Smileless You misunderstood my comment. It was referring to the poster who said they shouldn't be talking to Mummy and Daddy and should 'Man up'.

He and his wife have been for counselling and she dismissed it completely. So it isn't a pattern of him running to "mummy and daddy."

If she is a punisher she will make his life hell every day if he tries to stand up to her. Coercive control happens very gradually, it's subtle to begin with and progresses cruelly for men just as it does for women. Would anyone tell a female to woman up or grow a pair?
The question of access to children is also a huge factor in standing up to a bully, as much as you don't want your kids seeing this modelled you also don't want them to see the fall out from someone already beaten down trying to stand up to the bully.
I'm ashamed of some of the comments on here. If you disagree look up coercive control and narcissism. This behaviour by women directed at their male partners is a hidden statistic. The figures for abuse to men are less than for women but it is historically hugely under reported because men are physically stronger. No wonder suicide is the biggest killer of men under 45.

Sadly, OP, you son has to make his own mind up about what he wants to do and what he can do about his marriage.

You love him, and obviously will tend to believe that the faults are all on your DIL's side, but are they?

Quite a lot of women take on the responsibility of "deciding everything" because when they try to discuss anything from the upbringing of the children to paying of the mortgage or choosing new wallpaper, their husbands just say, "Do as you like, dear" meaning I can't be bother trying to do anything about it.

This may not be the case in you son's marriage, but I assure you that down through the ages many women have been forced to decide things on their own because their husbands were too d*****d lazy to decide anything at all.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of it, no good has ever come of meddling between man and wife. Only you can decide whether giving advice would be meddling or not.

If my son complained in the same way about his wife, my advice would be, "Son, only you can decide what you want to do about your marriage, but your father and I will support your decision, whatever it is, once you have made it."