Granddaughter and partner issues

What the hell is he playing at.
What he is playing at is the waiting game, he is waiting for you to give in. It's worked before, why wouldn't it work again. Tell me Ganny2, is it going to this time?

First time he started getting angry amd said I'm trying to force him to make a decision.
Well surprise, of course you are! You know you can't keep living like this. He's waiting like some entitled deity for you to go crawling into his room telling him you're so sorry you were so unreasonable and yes of course you'll do as he asks because . . . oh, hold on a minute, how would that sentence end? Because what exactly?
Because you can't live without him? You've done it before (for 4yrs) and can do it again.
Because you can't afford your house without his financial help? Oops, no he doesn't contribute to household expenses.
Because he's such great fun to have around? Oh no, he treats you like 'dog poop'.

Why exactly?

Second time he said he's got no plans to move out.
Of course he's not planning to leave! As many previous posters have said, he's got it too good. Mumsnet would tell you to stop doing anything for him immediately if you haven't already. No cooking, no cups of tea, no washing and definitely no cleaning his room! I'd go further and say ignore him, don't try to talk to him to 'sort this out'. He'll just see as another sign of you starting to soften and come round to his point of view, as I suspect has happened in the past. Remember he doesn't want to sort this out, he wants you to agree to do what he says!

Ganny2 you know what you need to do! Tell him a date, get a friend or your son to be there to help and say goodbye.

Ganny2

Sunday will be 1 month he's been sleeping in spare room. I've tried twice in this last week to talk to him. Asked him if he intends moving out and if so when. Also asked if he intends sorting out the problem if he is staying. First time he started getting angry amd said I'm trying to force him to make a decision. Second time he said he's got no plans to move out. I then asked so are we at some point going to sort this out. To which he responded 'at some point'. I don't get it. What the hell is he playing at. Is he planning on moving out but doesn't want to tell me yet incase I kick him out straight away or is he planning on staying but enjoying 'punishing' me. I know everyone has advised me to kick him out but something is stopping me doing that. Perhaps I need a psychiatrist

Why would he move out Ganny2? He has his own room and I'm assuming pays little towards the household expenses. I expect you're still cooking for him and washing his clothes and doing most of the housework.

Actually, can I move in? I'd love that arrangement.

He's using you. He has a nice life with you. Not quite as nice as it could be, if he could just get rid of your pesky, irritating grandchild. But overall, he's got it very good.

It's up to you if you put up with him. But as a friend once asked me, what does he (my bloke at the time) add to your life that is good? If there isn't anything, he's not worth having.

Ganny you need support to take action. Go to ghe police, inform them he won't leave your home, ask for help. Or at the very least contact Womens Aid and ask for advice on tge action needed to get him removed. His actions in the last month are just more manipulation. You need others to help you see the wood for the trees.

know everyone has advised me to kick him out but something is stopping me doing that

Are you still in love with this man ? If so all our advice is wasted!

My question is what are you actually getting out of this relationship that's positive? What would you lose by letting him go for good?
Having read one of your posts about it being 'your' house, I firmly believe if you gave him joint ownership or bought a house together, the noose would only get even tighter around your neck.
My fiance now husband lived in my house 10 yrs before we moved. Not once did he ever mention about it being my house.
Please get rid of him before you lose more than you bargained for... hugs

You don't need a Psychiatrist, Ganny2. You just need now to control your own life, make your own decisions, and find someone who will respect you and make you happy. This man is never going to do that and will be a millstone around your neck the more that you give in and try to accommodate his controlling nonsense.

His continued sulking and idiot-speak about making decisions is a waste of everyone's time. He's in no position to make any decisions which matter - he's blown it. He's in your house, doing just as he likes and I'm sure by now you'd prefer his room to his company.

Just calmly give him a date by which he needs to up and move out. Like 10.00am Monday! It needs no discussion or his agreement. He doesn't need notice, he pays you no rent, he is occupying your home and with his feet under your table he obviously thinks that the time will come around when he's top dog again and you're bound to start toeing the party line.

Surprise him. There's no time like the present. You have already made a stand and stuck to your decision over your Son's fiancé's child. She might sometimes be hard work but you know you are obviously making a difference and helping build a good relationship with her and with your family. But with your own relationship, even after 14 years off and on, this man has no interest in that but feels the only thing that matters is getting his own way. As an adult he should be ashamed of his opinions and actions towards a small child and his disrespect for you, but he's not worried as to how much this all matters as he creates chaos in your life.

Tell him if he doesn't leave by the date you give him - or before - you will simply call the Police. If that's how he wants things to end that will be his own (very immature) choice. Don't argue with him, don't let him intimidate you or try to talk nonsense or think now he has any choice. Too late. Take control - you'll be so much happier on your own and without conflict. If others on this forum speak the truth about their own experiences - you're not going to regret for a second changing your life for the better. You deserve all the happiness you can get. Just do it !

you are getting bogged down in irrelevant speculation, re his motives, intentions etc.
you need to ditch all that.
cut through the tangling toxicity in which you are enmeshed.
do not dawdle in distractions.
act. now. for you.
don't ask him, tell him : there is the door, goodbye.

Yes, quite agree here.

It doesn't matter what his reasons are for acting as he is, because neither is acceptable in a relationship between two adults, with equal rights, and equal obligations.

He is playing at a game called control, and you are allowing it.
Since when did he get to decide what will happen, and when?

Sunday will be 1 month he's been sleeping in spare room. I've tried twice in this last week to talk to him. Asked him if he intends moving out and if so when. Also asked if he intends sorting out the problem if he is staying. First time he started getting angry amd said I'm trying to force him to make a decision. Second time he said he's got no plans to move out. I then asked so are we at some point going to sort this out. To which he responded 'at some point'. I don't get it. What the hell is he playing at. Is he planning on moving out but doesn't want to tell me yet incase I kick him out straight away or is he planning on staying but enjoying 'punishing' me. I know everyone has advised me to kick him out but something is stopping me doing that. Perhaps I need a psychiatrist

You're being used by a sulky, childish, selfish bully who contributes nothing to the running of your house, who comes and goes as he pleases...and for years at a time.

He threatens you, is using emotional blackmail, is unpleasant to an 8 year old and has no place of his own.

Get rid. He's wiping his shoes on you and you are letting him. Life's too short. If he went [just tell him where to go] you would find yourself again no doubt, at the moment you are in a prison of his and your making.

Thank God you have your own house.

25Avalon

This is an abusive relationship. People made captive often get attached to their captor no matter how badly treated. When they are finally set free they realise. Please escape and find yourself again.

Stockholm Syndrome

This is an abusive relationship. People made captive often get attached to their captor no matter how badly treated. When they are finally set free they realise. Please escape and find yourself again.

Ganny you know you have to get him out. This is not a partnership. He is making you desperately unhappy. Please tell him to leave NOW. Break up with him. Tell him it is over and why.

BUT If you are scared about how he will react, if you feel in any danger, then speak to police re having him removed. But please get him out and start living the life you deserve

Sorry you have all this to deal with and hats off to you for reaching out and being there for the little girl, that is lovely of you.

It seems to me that there is jealousy lurking about in your partners case. Its utterly ridiculously childish of him to behave the way he has/is, he should be supportive, but that isn't helping you at all is it ! Saying he is this that and the other isnt helping the situation and i feel that by saying to your son the little girl can no longer come to your home is allowing your partner to get his own way and it seems he is renowned to getting his own way all throughout your relationship.

Serious discussion needs to take place with you saying a time in your life has arrived where you are not skirting around him ANYMORE..
. X

The thing is, if it isn't this issue, it will be another.
He isn't happy unless he has what he thinks is,the upper hand.

Insidious and nasty form of bullying.

Why not write down a list of the things he has objected to, and his manipulative ways, and cast your eyes over them.

Imagine a friend living under the rules that he is trying to impose.

What would you tell a friend to do?

My daughter has a partner like this - it is very hard to listen to how he treats her. It depends how much you are prepared to put up with against managing on your own. Wishing you well - he has been lucky to have you x

Ask him to pack his bags and be out by the weekend. Please, please tell us you are not cooking and doing his laundry?

At the very least he should be paying half the household bills including groceries plus taking you out regularly and buying you gifts. Frankly I would hope he would in addition offer you the amount he was saving in rent.

On mumsnet they have a name for men like him, a cocklodger. You are allowing this. Please show some self respect as you are worth more than this.

Hi all. So it's been 2 weeks he's been sleeping in spare room now. Some days he talks to me others he doesn't. Some days when he speaks its with total distain. Some days I want him to go. Some days I don't. Seems like I have lost the ability to know my own mind. It has been 14 years of him treating me well mixed with him treating me like dog poop. When he's treating me bad it can go on for weeks. He is unable to talk calmly and maturely about a problem. I haven't even tried to talk this time. Not sure exactly what I've done wrong but no doubt in his mind I do everything wrong. Has anyone else experienced this type of behavior where you feel as if you are getting punished like a child? Please I need the strength to let go of this man. Once and for all.

I would show him the door very quickly you don't need a controlling bully in your life get rid fast and start enjoying your life & your family

What does this man bring to your life ganny2, I know myself I couldn’t entertain a man child acting up, no way Jose, he doesn’t do compromises, showing you total disdain and disgust, he’s an abusive controller

why did you take him back.
and he doesn't even pay half the bills ????
why, just why, did you put up with this.
well now's the time, to have the delicious satisfaction of being the worm that turned.
that'll learn him !

He is being manipulative and unreasonable. He has NO right to dictate who visits. If he so unable to deal with a child for the weekend then HE needs to go away!! Or, maybe you need to think about what you are actually getting from this relationship. Are there a lot of other "compromises" you are expected to make to keep the peace? Be honest with yourself on this one

In the words of Gloria Gaynor -
I Will Survive