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Do you love your grandchildren the same as your children?

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musicposy Fri 06-May-11 13:56:53

Hi there, I'm not a gran yet so hope you grans don't mind me posting - I have two teenage girls.

I always wanted 4 children, but at 45 this year, I'm having to accept it's not going to happen. I had a miscarriage last year which was devastating and the only thing I can think is at least one day I may have grandchildren.

But, and it's hard to envisage how it feels to have grandchildren. Do you love your grandchildren the same as your children? And if so, isn't it hard only seeing them sometimes and not being the one to parent them? If you wanted a large family but instead get lots of grandchildren, does that feel the same? Do you feel as close to them as you do to your children?

Sorry if these questions are hopelessly naive! Just that I think people are likely to be honest on here. wink

twinklepickers Fri 06-May-11 14:33:16

No, I don't think so. It's different. But it is love all the same.

I'm sorry you didn't get the family size you wanted. It is hard when you feel like you are getting past the age you can reasonably expect to have such a life change are more kids. But you'll probably be a great gran and because you won't have to divide your time up between four different children you'll be able to focus more closely on the grandkids you do get. smile

HildaW Fri 06-May-11 15:38:42

I wanted more than my two daughters but my husband had had a son from his first marriage and he was not keen on having more than he felt the finances could cope with ...sounds a bit cold blooded but I have long since learned that being very responsible and grown up about finances can be quite a good thing.........!! Any road up my elder daughter suddenly announced that she was pregnant and I was delighted. He is now two and there is another on the way.....! The love you feel is quite quite different, its very intense but there are other elements to consider. How often you see them makes a huge difference, also you tend to be a little more worried if you are left in charge. After all its not your baby...you have a son-in-law to answer to if anything goes wrong. I find I see my Grandson more as an individual, I can see his developing personality more clearly than my own children. Its a great joy and yet .....yes the old joke does sometimes apply....its great to give him back!!

wallers5 Fri 06-May-11 16:30:33

I do adore the latest grandchild because I see so much of her & did not of the others as one lot were abroad. Also I feel sorry for her as her mother is so busy with two jobs & no time or money.

As the grandchildren grow up & change, their need of you is different & so I enjoy the moments when they need me. I agree with the comment above that it is great to give them back!

Grannysmith Fri 06-May-11 17:27:09

I have not had a particularly close relationship with my daughter (I also have an unmarried son of 25) but she made me a GM 7 months ago. I am totally smitten with the little one & motherhood has also helped to mend our relationship. They live 200 miles from us, but are moving closer later this year as she has to return to work so I will see more of him. I adore my grandson & feel a love for him I didn't know existed! How soppy am I?

HildaW Fri 06-May-11 17:30:17

Grannysmith.........you are not soppy......enjoy it...and am so glad you and your daughter are on better terms....you will have a wonderful time!

usualsuspect Fri 06-May-11 17:31:23

yes I do

lucid Fri 06-May-11 18:00:54

First post...here.I go...
I also would have liked a big family but it didn't happen, and I have 2 children...I now have 4 gorgeous grandchildren from 15years old to 2months old. The older 3 live very close to me and we have a great relationship....you do love them in a more intense way. I also find that as they get older I can be a 'go-between' to ease the usual teenage/parent angst. We all have great fun together but we also talk about things that they might find difficult to discuss with their Mum and Dad. They love to hear stories about their Mum when she was growing up. My newest grandchild lives a long way away and I'm hoping to be a modern Gran and keep in touch via the internet as she grows older. How do other Grandparents keep a good relationship going with their distant grandchildren? Is there anything I can do or are there things I shouldn't do?
Phew...I did it ...now where did I put my wine

HildaW Fri 06-May-11 18:17:54

Lucid.....ruddy 'ell...........and you jolly well are........! smile and where's mine?

lucid Fri 06-May-11 20:13:33

Here you are HildaW...enjoy... wine...wink

musicposy Fri 06-May-11 23:32:09

Thanks for the really interesting responses. I find it hard to know how these things feel - just like I never really had any idea just how much people felt for their children until I had mine.

My mum says she loves them just the same as she did us and has really loved having grandchildren - but I'm not so sure it's the same really. I think she has to battle against favouritism more than you would with children. Maybe favouritism isn't quite the right word, but she obviously finds my girls much easier than my nephew who tires her out, and I think for a long time she was more closely bonded with my eldest than my youngest.

She likes not having to make the decisions and being able to send them home!

One thing I do think is that now I am so busy; trying to juggle work and home, hubby and I struggling to keep our heads above water financially, running the girls around all over the place etc. I hope that when I have grandchildren my pace of life will be a bit slower and I will be able to take the time for them, as others have said.

Loving all the responses. Don't want my 15 year old to have one just yet, though! wink

grannyactivist Sat 07-May-11 00:39:22

Hi there musicposy,
I think the truth is that the love you feel for your grandchildren may be very much dependent upon circumstances. I was present, along with my SiL, at the birth of my youngest (premature) grandson and spent a great deal of time with him and my daughter. Tragically my daughter was widowed when baby was less than 5 months old. They live only a 20/30 minute drive away and when my SiL died in very traumatic circumstances I moved in to my daughter's house for several weeks - I left my job and dropped everything else I was involved in - and I have remained pretty much on hand ever since. As you can imagine with so much involvement I feel very close to my baby GS and love him like my own. (But still love to hand him back!)

Contrast that with my other three grandchildren who live in a distant part of the country and whom I very rarely see; our contact is usually through cards, letters, photo's and gifts. I love them very much, but yes, it's different.

Grandmacool Sat 07-May-11 09:39:37

@Grannysmith, not soppy at all.

I have 2 grandchildren and I adore them both. When they look into my eyes and say ``Please Grandma, can I have an ice cream`` I just can`t refuse. I guess I am a real pushover, when it comes to them. LOL.

nannym Sat 07-May-11 11:00:05

I just have one grandchild, a little girl who I've looked after while her parents work since she was 8 months old. She has made my life so different that I would be lost without her. My husband is golf mad and plays at least four days a week so having a small child to look after has stopped me from turning into a bitter golf widow or (even worse in my opinion) learning to play golf myself!! She has filled my days with joy, laughter and delight. Of course I loved both my sons but the love you feel for a grandchild is so different and only rarely do I feel relief when her Mum comes to pick her up in the evening!

jangly Sat 07-May-11 12:33:10

I feel exactly the same about them as I did about my own children. Absolutely adore them. And Grandmacool I know exactly what you mean. smile

katied Sat 07-May-11 12:53:52

I adore my four Grandchildren. I enjoy having them to stay and love taking them out for 'adventures'. I have more time to spare than I had when my own children were young. We have an old motorhome that we take them off in (2 at a time) and its the only way we can afford to visit our younger two who live 350 miles away!
I think that being a Grandma is the best job in the world, the love I feel when they are with me is undescribeable. Especially when they say the magic words "I love you Grandma".
And I am so proud I dont care who thinks I am soppy, silly or whatever!
Cheers!

grannywendy Sat 07-May-11 15:50:08

Hi! I think the love you feel for your grandchildren is different because there is no pressure on making them do the right things. You just enjoy being with them and showing them how to make things, you are far more patient than when you were a Mum, also it isn't such a problem saying yes when they ask for something, you are allowed to spoil them....within reason of course. Enjoy being a Mum but don't be afraid when the time comes to be a grandma.

supernana Sat 07-May-11 17:25:21

How do I get to add the Smileys please?

jangly Sat 07-May-11 17:34:34

supernan, look by the side of the "Add your comment here box".

Grannysue Sat 07-May-11 17:46:40

@Grandmacool

Ha Ha! You sound like me, I can't resist them when they ask for lollies & sweets but I do try and steer them towards fruit if I can (boring?). Of course I always ask my daughter-in-law before I give them anything.

I think I love my grandchildren as much as my children, I didn't think I would but they are so beautiful. I also find I remember things about my children that I had forgotten.

One word of caution @Musicposy I think it would be very easy to get too involved if you weren't careful. A work colleague of mine had her daughter & granddaughter living with her and I think she got a bit too close. Her relationship with her daughter and husband was affected

GrannyTunnocks Sat 07-May-11 22:10:30

I love the fact that I can have lots of fun with my grandchildren but hand them back at the end of the day and have time to myself. I also enjoy telling them stories about when their Mum and Dad were children. I try not to become a granny bore as everyone else does not want to hear about all my trivialities.

Nannyliz Sun 08-May-11 00:48:56

I'm glad I'm not the only one who just can't say no to my grandchildren. just keep telling my daughter that's what Nanny's do! Thankfully she agrees with me!

PoppaRob Sun 08-May-11 10:53:23

I was very pleasantly surprised when I was first handed my grand-daughter and felt the same unconditional love that I'd felt when I helped deliver my daughter 26 years before. I'd forgotten how great it felt! Mind you I don't always like my daughter or my grand-daughter, but I'll always love them unconditionally.

Poppy Sun 08-May-11 12:14:22

The love I have for my grand children is different from the love that I had and still do have for my children.My children were entirely mine and my husbands responsibility.I loved them and cared for them but was also busy with their day to day needs.With my grand children I am able to give them more of my undivided attention. Also I can see things through their eyes and probably have more patience than I had when my children were small.We should remember that they are our future. They are the most precious gift that our children have given us.
.

Jangran Sun 08-May-11 12:17:26

I found loving my grandchildren rather easier. I was very young when I had my daughters, both by Caesarian section, and I found bonding with them very difficult. On the other hand, I fell in love with my first grandson as soon as I saw him. Not quite the same with the second, a girl, but with the last two, both boys, I felt the same as with the first. I don't know if gender had anything to do with it. Now they are older (2-8) I don't have favourites, though, I feel bonded with all of them and they seem to feel close to me too.

We spend a weekend with them most months, and I find that ideal because we spend enough time with them to keep the closeness, and we can leave at the end of the weekend and get back to our normal lives.

When I retire we are going to move closer to them, though.

grandmac Sun 08-May-11 13:52:25

My first foray into public comment!

The love I have for my three (so far) grandchildren is of an intensity which is indescribable. Although I was, and still am, a doting Mother, the love for my grandchildren is quite different. I was lucky enough to be present at the births of two of them and the love is immediate and overwhelming. And it is the same even if you are not at the birth, the minute you hold that tiny bundle, your heart is lost. And the love I receive from them all is a total joy. And I feel that the way my children love ME has become more intense since they see how much I love their children. That sounds a bit silly as if they didn't love me before or their love was conditional, but maybe other Grans have felt this too.

But with this great love comes great worry. I feel so protective towards them and constantly have to stop myself telling their parents how to care for them. (Luckily my children and children-in-law are all very patient! ) But if our children are the arrows we send to a future we will not see, how much more so are our grandchildren, and we want those arrows to fly straight and true and reach the target unhindered, so how can we not worry.

So in answer to the original question, no you do not love the grandchildren the same as your children. It is maybe not more, or less, but it is different and very intense. And yes it is difficult if you can't see them as often as you would like, but just enjoy the time you can spend with them and relish their love through phone calls and the many drawings and special gifts coming your way! grin

barbara7 Sun 08-May-11 14:15:15

my only grandchild is in Australia, and another on the way.I love her but can't see us having a close bond. Thank goodness for Skype

Frances Sun 08-May-11 16:15:39

Thank goodness for all your previous comments. I thought I was daft adoring my grandchildren as much as I did my own children. I clear up after them when have been here and then cannot wait for them to come back again.

Grandad keeps fit playing football and tennis and going to the park so that is another bonus.

janfran Sun 08-May-11 16:22:16

I don't think this is the best forum for getting a balanced response to this question as I think it likely that anyone signing up to Granset is likely to be a pretty doting granny smile.

LibraChick Sun 08-May-11 16:47:34

Hello everyone - here you go, my first post.

I have 1 daughter and 3 grandchildren, who are 2, 4 and 6 year old.

I think you love your children, but you are in love with your grandchildren. I could just eat them, they are gorgeous but very expensive to keep blush

rhoda590 Sun 08-May-11 16:53:13

I have three grandchildren, one lived with her mum with us for 4 years, she stays now about 4 nights a week, i love them all with all my heart and give them all i can, give them time as well as treats. i love them the same as my own children, although am a bit more worried about illness etc than i used to be.
I am a pushover . wouldnt be anyother way xxx

amgran Sun 08-May-11 18:09:23

I love my granchildren but as the mother of 2 daughters I do find that I love my grandaughter rather more than my granson. I am not proud of this but seem unable to change the situation and am worried that he will notice this when he is older.
,

GrannyHelen Sun 08-May-11 18:27:35

you think you love your own kids but having grandchildren is superb. i have five under the age of five and all live within a mile radius. The are fab and love spending time with them

hairfullofsnakes Sun 08-May-11 20:10:55

I am a mum to two young children and i admit i find it rather odd when people say they love their grandchildren as much as their children as i just cannot imagine it! i also feel i would not want to impose on the parents love for their children - iyswim? it has been interesting to have a nosy on this thread and seeing what grandparents think. i love my children so intensly and i am sure i will love my grandchildren so much but nothing can surely compare to how i feel about my two little treasures!?!

edsnana Sun 08-May-11 21:13:31

So agree with you librachick, I could eat my grandson, he's so gorgeous. I love the fact that I get to see the world through his eyes and that watching him develop and grow triggers so many memories of when my daughters were little. I absolutely adore being a grandparent

rhoda590 Sun 08-May-11 22:10:01

I totally agree with you librachick, i could eat all three of mine. I love being nanny . Its fab although rather exspensive .

godiva Mon 09-May-11 12:02:39

My first post...and I appear to be in the very silent majority!! I love my daughters first...then my grandchildren!....Many people I know will disagree totally with the way I feel..or maybe not understand..but thats the way I feel..always have always will....:-)

Granne Mon 09-May-11 13:26:23

Yes, I love my grandchildren just as much but in a different way. It's fantastic because you get/give all the love but don't actually have the same responsibilities. My granddaughter usually says with me for 1 night each weekend & is such a joy to have around (nearly 4 years old). I don't see my grandson quite as often but he stays overnight approx 1 night every 6 weeks which suits me better as he is a bit younger and, at the moment, slightly more of a handful for me.

I just LOVE being a Grandma grin x

Legs55 Mon 09-May-11 15:04:20

I think its different with Grandchidren - I have a Daughter, a Step-Daughter & a Step-Son. My Daughter had a lovely Son last yesr who I adore although I do not see him much as they live almost 200 miles away (we are planning to move closer). We have always had more contact with the eldest 2 grandchildren so know them better & have a close relationship. The other 2 (not my daughter's baby who is special as I am his real Nana not a Step-Nana) are different as we see less of them so don't know them as well. I don't think its a case of loving children better than grandchildren but of loving them all in different ways.

missellie Mon 09-May-11 15:30:06

The love you have for the Grand-children is different to what you have for your own, my eldest grand-daughter sees me more as her mum because we have had a very close relationship, she has 5 children of her own ( my great grand-children ) and they spend as much time with me as they can, I feel that I have been bringing children up continuely for 50 yrs. BUT I love them all the same.

craftygrandma Mon 09-May-11 15:40:06

Hi - first post for me smile
I would say you love your grandchildren every bit as much as your children, but it is different. It is every bit as unconditional and full.
I think with grandchildren you can be much more relaxed - after all you've had the practice with your children wink
I am very lucky to live very close to all my grandchildren, so our bond is close - knowing when to step back is very important - you may love them every bit as much as your own children, but they are not your children and it is very important to remember that for a good relationship with, not only your grandchildren, but children too smile

Catherine Mon 09-May-11 16:34:01

I find I have a different realationship with my grandchildren than I had with their parents.
There is none of the stress that there is with your own children when you feel totally responsible for them along with the all the guilt when you have to leave them to go to work or you don't think that you're a good enough parent.

When I see my grandchildren I am completely relaxed with them and it is strange to see their parents getting het up about the same things that I once did. But now it all seems so triviall!!!........ although I would NEVER say that because it would probably lead to world war 3.

Ah the joys of being a gran.

inthepink Mon 09-May-11 16:54:48

MUSICPOSY Feel free to post on Gransnet with your interest on what it is like to be a Gran. Only don't wish away your time thinking about what it will be like as a Gran. Time stands still for no one. Enjoy being a Mum.I wanted six children, had two! Have spent life sofar working with children. Enjoying best time with four grandchildren. Like GODIVA but fortunate to have one of each. I dont't think of myself as a silent anything.

Butternut Mon 09-May-11 18:30:20

I simply fell in love with my grandchildren immediately.
They live in America, but it makes no difference. Perhaps it's a question of 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' - but I don't think so. I just feel so fortunate to have them.

Lizzie Mon 09-May-11 19:03:17

Hello,

(First post for me too)

No, I haven't examined those feelings too closely but I must say that I have found my experience to be so close to grandmac's in the intensity of love but also the worry about their welfare with regard to outside dangers, etc. My grand-daughter is nearly two and my grand-son only just over a month old.

I must say, I have been amazed at the strength of love that I feel for them and I do find them a joy to be with. Unfortunately, I don't feel, as other grandmums have felt, for example, more relaxed whilst caring for them as I developed a neurological condition that affects my arms & mobility so that, if anything, I feel more concerned when I care for them, though if practical help is needed I'm not on my own with them. I couldn't even change a nappy!

Anyway, I can play & sing songs with my grand-daughter till the cows come home and I adore them! I wouldn't really like to compare my love for them as opposed to the love for my daughters. I loved/love them dearly and I was young when I had them, but this relationship that I have with my grandchildren feels no less important!

IssysNanny Mon 09-May-11 21:41:23

Since becoming a Nanny I have often said that if I could I would have skipped the parenting stage and gone straight to being a Nanny! Don't get me wrong I love both my children to bits but being a Nanny is just so different, you get all of the love and no real responsibility!!

gordonlacey Mon 09-May-11 21:59:36

I have one granddaughter aged 14 months and I can't believe how much I love her. I am lucky that my son and daughter in law live only a mile away so I see a lot of her. The relationship seems to me to be unalloyed pleasure- not least because I can enjoy every minute with her without having to worry about what else I have to do. I work full time etc but when I have her I can park everything else because it is for 24 hours at the most and so what if all we do is play, go to the park etc. When my three were little, only 5 years between them all, it was hard to sit back and enjoy them. Nothing beats the huge grin when she sees me, the big sloppy kisses and the cheeky little grin as she 'rearranges' all the CDs that she can reach. It sounds really soppy but I am seeing things through her eyes- yesterday morning's enchantment at a very fat duck having a vigorous wash watched by 6 fluffy ducklings. Without her in the buggy I would have walked straight past without seeing.

XingXing Mon 09-May-11 22:21:22

This is my first contribution to Gransnet - only joined about 20 minutes ago! lovely to read everyone's comments and just want to repeat what others have said - yes it is different, but apart from the love (which goes without saying) I just feel tremendously privileged to have been around my GD I always said I would have her to stay as much as i could for as often as i could as i knew (as with our children) that one day she'd want to spend less time with me. Well that time's arrived now as she's now a teenager doing what teenagers do, but i've got some fantastic memories and hope that, one day, she'll feel the same.

bikergran Mon 09-May-11 22:31:16

[smile] "welcome" xingxing I too am new and cant wait to log on..grin

jenniescrumpling Mon 09-May-11 22:31:59

My relationship with my daughter wasn't too good either Grannysmith and I was never particularly interested in children but since my granddaughter who is now 3 came along I have a completely different outlook. I'm completely smitten and can't wait for her to visit.
Being a Grandma is wonderful!

Lindyloo Mon 09-May-11 23:33:47

Although I loved my children dearly, I did not really enjoy the practical side of being a mother. I missed my work dreadfully, disliked housework and being dependant on my husband. (It simply was not done to work after you had babies in those days). It is only with the perpective of age that you realise what a short period of your life that is. I wish I had enjoyed them instead of feeling trapped.

When my first grandchild was born I came to love him so fiercely it hurt. I truly would have died for him. Every minute with him was precious and now he is a grumpy teenager it still is. It seems like a second chance to help raise a child and do it better this time.

harrigran Mon 09-May-11 23:38:54

Grandchildren come without the pressures you have as a parent. I was smitten from the first second I saw them. They are so accepting of your faults, they really do not mind when you sing out of tune or tell silly jokes. Last week my two returned from holiday and the eldest ran up to me and said " oh grandma, I have missed you " and that was after spending a week with her other Granny. The youngest is just starting to talk and calls me Ga Ga, that just about sums me up.

gobsor Tue 10-May-11 00:41:52

Hi everyone here goes with my first post on this site. I think if anything being a Grandma is more intense than being a Mum. Rea son being I think you have more of an overview, and being a step away are able to see things or understand things that when you are a Mother maybe you are a bit too close to, or too involved if that makes sense.I think you also see Grandchildren changing and growing more, as when you are a Mum you have so many other things day to day to think about. I adore my five Grandchildren, and they give such joy(mostly!) that I think being a Grandma is far better than I could ever have imagined. To see them growing and learning is such a joy! Ah well I'll have to go now, as three of the younger ones, nearly six, five and four stayed over last weekend,and I haven't got round to tidying up yet !!!

Phil Tue 10-May-11 08:53:58

Its not the same as your own kids. You are not with them 24 hours a day, the bonding is not so strong.
Dont know if I should post a comment as I am a Grandad. Think the world of the grand kids though...................................Phil

Carrotcruncher Tue 10-May-11 11:56:05

I have been a grandma now for just over 2 years and I have another one on the way. When I held my Grandson for the first time I experienced something so brillant. It was like a part of me will continue long after I have gone, pride with my son. It was tinged with such great saddness as my Ex had died a year before and he was not there to experience the joy of his Son getting married and then to hold his Grandson in his arms, ( I still feel guilty that I am the one who can do this). But I never thought I could experience such happiness and it is very difficult to express the emotion I feel when I see him. Which is only two or three times a year in person, luckily I see him on Skype and thank heaven for that. He is now jabbering away in his own talk and to see him and my son interact is so brillant, it just makes my life worth living. I am not in the best of health and at times feel like life is not worth the effert, then I look at the pics and then on Skype and all that changes. In effect he is saving me.

quidlibet Tue 10-May-11 12:00:15

Ihave 2 granddaughters, they are sisters, but although I love them both the relationship is so different. With the eldest its what I see as a normal granny/grandchild thing, with the younger its like batting my head against a wall, the child seems to irritate me.
Now tell me is it me thats got it wrong, or is this quite normal.

gma Tue 10-May-11 13:06:48

I have 4 grandchildren- 3 boys (14,9,8) and a little girl (3) and I love them so much!! We live fairly close to them, but not too close!!! We see them frequently. I look after our grand daughter one day a week, as Mummy teaches, and did the same with the others. Its a really special day for us, just playing, going to the park, cooking, reading stories and having fun. We are never taken advantage of. They are such a great part of our lives and count ourselves so lucky.

everso Tue 10-May-11 17:43:38

My first post too!

I'm a grandmother to 4 year old twins - a boy and girl - with another baby due in July. My daughter and s.i.l. married in October 2005 and they didn't intend having a family for ages. Nature had other ideas though, and by December 2006 the twins had arrived.

I was thrilled when my daughter told us she was pregnant, but I had no idea just how much I'd love them when they finally arrived. They are the dearest little things and I can't get enough of them.

I've said (sort of jokingly) that when you're a grandmother you have the best of all worlds, and, frankly, I'd have by-passed being a parent and gone straight to being a grandparent wink

anita Tue 10-May-11 19:05:38

I had two daughters and both of them had two sons. Instead of loving and coping with two girls through all the growing up, I had four grandsons to enjoy. I loved the time with my girls but I have watched my grandsons slightly from the side lines, baby sitting etc is a given. The little boys that I once could swing up into the air now look down on me from the great height of six foot plus. As for loving them, yes I do, absolutely. And their mothers are still my delight.

rosiesposies Tue 10-May-11 19:48:43

Hi my first post to ....
Looking back I think I was far too strict with my children now I have three grandchildren I admit to spoiling them rotten !!!
I absolutely adore them and whatever they ask for they get !!
on the other hand I sometimes wonder If I just give in for peace sake !!! Is it the age thing smile am I passed it !!!!

gma Tue 10-May-11 19:58:09

First post of many hopefully!!

emmasnan Tue 10-May-11 21:28:22

I have a granddaughter and I adore her.
I was totally unprepared for the love I would feel for her. I love my son's unconditionally and I see the love I feel for her as an extention of that.

Magmar Tue 10-May-11 21:44:14

I think some of the thrill of being a grandparent is the fact that your grandchildren are always so thrilled to see YOU! It's such a special relationship. I was in the doghouse recently for allowing my grandson (8) to stay up while I was babysitting to watch Million Pound Drop with me as we were both so enjoying it and he's such a delight. Grandparents are allowed to be naughty as their services are often required and therefore we can't be chastised too severely! I spoil them to bits and pander to their every whim and love it. So different to being the disciplinarian parent.

Nannyperdie Tue 10-May-11 23:09:59

Hello all, new member here, so a little bit shy!! blush

I have to say that I adored my children from the very first moment, but the love I feel for my beautiful grandchildren is even more intense. I think it's because you can love them without the huge responsiblity you have when you have your children. And of course, it's absolutely essential to spoil them rotten, which you're not supposed to do when you have your children!!

Like somebody once said, "if I'd known how great it was to have grandchildren, then I'd have had them first".

lionlilac Wed 11-May-11 08:56:27

I love my children very much 'but' at times they can be a wee bit overbearing, opinionated and somewhat patronizing. My grandchildren on the other hand are fun, grateful and make me feel years younger.

KittyVentura Wed 11-May-11 09:44:43

Just as a heads up - From a new mum.

Comments like this one "It seems like a second chance to help raise a child and do it better this time" make us new mums feel very un-nerved and threatened. It's all well and good on here (this is your forum and you should be able to speak your minds) but just make sure your daughters and daughters in law never get wind of any of you saying this.

A grandchild is not a chance for you to try and have a second go at being a mother and a comment that implies this will make every mum cringe and hold her child tighter, thus further away from you.

xx

lionlilac Wed 11-May-11 11:31:51

Doubt it. Just had another phone call in which they want to stay.

crimson Wed 11-May-11 11:45:56

I expected to fall in love with my first grandchild the moment he was born, but I was so concerned for my daughter when she was in labour that all I cared about was her wellbeing. I realised at the time that I would have felt differently had it been a daughter in law that was giving birth, and that the baby would have been the main focus of my concern. Of course, I now love him more than anyone in the world along with my children, but it was a love that grew, not the instant love that I felt when mine were born. I hope I don't sound callous, because I was surprised at how I felt at the time. I would rather have gone through another labour myself than see my daughter going through it!

lionlilac Wed 11-May-11 11:52:43

My daughter has just told me she is six weeks pregnant and instead of instant excitement, your very first thought is 'I hope you are going to be alright'

harrigran Wed 11-May-11 14:00:09

How sad crimson that you would think of DIL with less concern than a daughter. I would be devastated if anything happened to my DIL.

crimson Wed 11-May-11 16:10:10

Well, it hasn't happened so I'm only guessing how I'd feel. I suppose all circumstances are different, and the fact was that my daughter was in hospital for a few days prior to the birth with complcations, so all of my motherly instinct went into wanting her to be safe. Oh, lionlilac, when I was first told of my daughters pregnancy I just sat and shook for ages. All I know is that now, a few years down the line, all I can say is that I feel so blessed to have my two grandchildren [and living close by as well]. I kept a lot of my childrens toys and I can't tell you how wonderful it is to see the boys playing with toys that were their mums!

SkyesGran Wed 11-May-11 17:15:13

Hello to all Grannies/Grandmas/Nannas and Nannies,

This is my first post.

I absolutely love being a Granny to my Granddaughter, Skye. She is simply adorable and I love her to bits.

Did not think I would love her as much as my Son and Daughter but I really do. You do fall in love with them, just as did with my 2 children, but it is easier being a Granny.

My Daughter and Son in Law lived with me until Skye was 2 months old so I was very hands-on and we bonded really quickly and easily.

Being disabled, I am not able to take her for walks in her pushchair, and I get very tired quickly but the joy that she brings is immeasurable.

I also love to see her parents dote on her. She is such a happy, smiley baby. She makes life worth living. (smile)

lionlilac Wed 11-May-11 17:17:51

Oh Crimson I have thirteen other grandchildren, but with each one I still panic if daughter/daughter-in-law will be alright. Cook most Sunday dinners for at least 14 (once 23). I'm blessed that they live close by, but my children and grandchildren seem to think they still live with us as well!
Moan but love it smile

SkyesGran Wed 11-May-11 18:35:39

Hello to all Grannies/Grandmas/Nannas and Nannies,

This is my first post.

I absolutely love being a Granny to my Granddaughter, Skye. She is simply adorable and I love her to bits.

Did not think I would love her as much as my Son and Daughter but I really do. You do fall in love with them, just as did with my 2 children, but it is easier being a Granny.

My Daughter and Son in Law lived with me until Skye was 2 months old so I was very hands-on and we bonded really quickly and easily.

Being disabled, I am not able to take her for walks in her pushchair, and I get very tired quickly but the joy that she brings is immeasurable.

I also love to see her parents dote on her. She is such a happy, smiley baby. She makes life worth living. (smile)

SkyesGran Wed 11-May-11 18:38:55

ooops, posted twice. That's the memory gone too!

crimson Wed 11-May-11 19:25:21

Oh I can't imagine having 13 grandchildren; I think 2 will be it for me. I do think that you need to bond with your grandchildren; I had to look after the youngest [9 months] for a couple of weeks [9 hours a day; I was shattered] and I really felt as if I'd got to know him, as he always tends to be overshadowed by his brother. I didn't have brothers or sisters, so sibling rivalry etc was new to me when I had my children...I so longed to have a brother or sister that I assumed they would all adore each other!

nanny1 Wed 11-May-11 22:16:45

I absolutely adore my Grandson - he is the best thing ever :-) I love him as much as my children but in a different way which is difficult to describe.

I have discussed this often with friends who are grannies and grand dads too but can't quite pinpoint why. Perhaps it has something to do with being more relaxed and wiser too?

Grandma1 Thu 12-May-11 08:00:35

Oh look! I was going to do a first post but grandchildren are battering on the door, so mum can go to work.....got to rush! ~waves and grins~

shelaghv Thu 12-May-11 08:11:42

hi everybody first timer here i think its a different relationship with grankids especially ur gaughters was at the birth of my daughters two children and have a special bond with them

GG Thu 12-May-11 09:24:05

I adore both my children, love my son in law to bits, like and admire my daughter's ma, pa and brother in law, and feel very lucky that I have added such wonderful people to my family. However, I adore my grand-daughter, and will very soon adore my new grandbaby to be. I see her,(and the new little one), as the extension of my much loved daughter and son in law, with their own personalities, hopes and dreams. Family is all, and I love them all unconditionally. Just having such a super family causes me to wake up with a smile on my face.

NannieNumptie Thu 12-May-11 10:35:44

I am sorry you were unable to have the large family you craved, I was extremely lucky to have 3 children, despite having 8 miscarriages in between them all in the fight to have a large family, now i have been blessed with 3 grandchildren through my 2 daughters(I was there at 2 of the 3 births, babysitting big sister when little sister was born) and as i am still only 41, an age when most of my friends are only just having their families, I feel as if I have added to my children..my girls are very close and I am so lucky to have my 2 granddaughters living with me at the moment whilst their mum is sadly poorly, and my grandson and his mum live 5 mins away, and i see him most days..they are the biggest joy in my life, my children meant and still mean everything to me, and although the love is very different, it is just as strong, asking if the love is different would be like asking me if I love my daughters differently to my son..it's a totally different kind of love..

vonp Thu 12-May-11 11:35:37

Th.is is an interesting question, in that you cannot define your love. Its an all powerful emotion that comes with becoming a parent. I think its hard to believe its power until you are lucky enough to become a parent. Its unconditional. The love is always there even if you don't like your children ie through behaviour or similar. I love and adore my grandchildren but again its different. Can't really explain why, I would still give my life to protect them but I am not their actual parent. If ever tragedy struck and I needed to take on that role I would, without hesitation.I feel blessed to be a mum and a grandparent. I am lucky enough to live near to all of them so that they are part of my life and I am part of theirs. The love you feel is like an everflowing stream that just goes on and on, meandering through life's rocky and awkward bits but never disappearing and if hard times come its like a stormcloud which provides that extra bit of rain to make the stream flow faster and stronger. How's that for a poetic thought smile

Dizzy Thu 12-May-11 23:21:05

I adore my grandaugher, she's a year old and she has stolen my heart.

Loved having my babies, love them still but this is all pleasure with none of the concerns of parenthood, wonderful!

First post ever by the way, hello all!!!

shrimp61 Thu 12-May-11 23:35:25

Me too was only allowed 2 children by ex husband, for his selfish reasons. Have 2 wonderful girls, my youngest got pregnant at 17 her and gs lived with me for 1st 3 years I adore him now 5 &4 months and he kept me sane tru a very messy divorce that went on for nearly 5 years, he now has a baby brother 1 this month adore him also. M y heart melted totally a couple of months ago when he said his teacher asked the class who was their best friend and he replied " My Nanny" Roll on more grandchildren,
As the add says tey are priceless.

duckysnan Fri 13-May-11 10:08:46

this thread has been very enlightening to me!
i love my grandsons so much! but the younger one was taken back to New Zealand before we could bond..we didnt live near in the UK either..so i have felt bad about this..my older one ...and i have a very close bond..i have never felt a love like it! i think also your grandchildren are not critical of you in any way..they just take you for what you are! and yes...the relationship can be tense ..more so when you are in different countrys..thank goodness for skype..!!
i feel apart of me is not complete without them..
i worked from when my son was a baby, so i didnt have the real pleasure of seeing him take his first steps etc...

shrimp61 ah! so sweet saying 'my nanny' bless!

alijoy60 Fri 13-May-11 12:41:35

My first post too....

I am a 51 year old Nanny to Seth, 9 months and my son and DIL live with me right now but they are moving away in October, back to her home town, which is understandable though I will miss them terribly. I was lucky enough to be there when he was born and have never felt more proud of my DIL.

Being a Nanny - well, I was excited about it, but I didn't realise just how good it would be! It is, as others say, just a joy. It feels like pure pleasure, with none of the terrible worrying you do as a parent.

It is similar to being a Mum, in that you would die for them, and I have more time now even though I still work, than I had for my own 3 sons who I raised on my own.However,to reassure other Mums out there, you are always conscious you are NOT their Mum but in a totally different relationship.

I am thrilled and proud to be a Nanny and am delighted I am here to experience it. x

alijoy60 Fri 13-May-11 12:43:31

Oh, and someone commented how it can bring you closer to your children - my 3 sons have said it is lovely watching me interact with my Grandson as they can see how I was with them - and how much I have always loved them!

granmouse Mon 16-May-11 16:08:24

Here's a bit of soppiness which is true-grandchildren fill a space in your heart that you didnt know was empty.I love them as much as I love their parents though in a slightly different way.I worry less about day to day things and more about potential disasters.I havent the stamina to spend all day every day with them so the times we share are very precious and I try to make them special with each child having his/her 'own' games etc.With one it is 'Grandma the Racing Driver and F* the Navigator' played while driving very sedately but hunched over the wheel while the child shouts'LEFT bend!RIGHT curve!'etc and can tell left from right at 4.A 10 yr old girl sets me multiple choice questions on books we have both enjoyed and we talk on the phone about the answers.Just 2 examples from too many to list.I feel I was waiting to be a grandma all my life.

I loved the years when our three sons were children and longed to be a grandma ,but had to wait until I was 55 years old to be one ! However ,once they got started in 2005 the grandsons came one after another ...five in just under five years grin
The love I felt on seeing each one for the first time was just the same as when mine were born ,minus the labour !
I minded the first one from around 4 months until he went school and loved every minute of him smile
Only ill health prevents me from having them more, but I feel such a love for all five of them .
Having the time listen to them and to answer their many questions is really special but I also enjoy being able to afford to treat them as money was tight in the 70's and 80's ..not that it did our boys any harm (says mother !)

Selley Mon 16-May-11 17:50:37

I agree it is love but its different, my grandson was born a week ago and I just want to be with him but I also have my last daughter at home. So I feel I have a foot in both camps here. I thought about what you had asked and I love them all so much but differently and I am joyous now watching my older daughter with her own baby son.
As your girls grow and develop and eventually become parents themselves I am sure you will have amazing joy for and with them.

apricot Tue 17-May-11 19:21:01

I don't feel it's children versus grandchildren as they're all different and I love them all differently.Some were difficult children, some caused heartache in later life.
One grandchild is beautiful and happy and good but it's her sister I'm closest to because she has problems and needs all the loving she can get.

godiva Wed 18-May-11 10:01:31

What a wise and balanced person apricot is.

maxgran Wed 18-May-11 14:55:31

I love my grandchildren just as much as I love my children - only its better because I have none of the worries or responsibilities that came with my own children.
Its not hard not being the one to parent them - They are not mine to parent !
You never have them all the time so it is not that difficult not seeing them all the time. Once you get used to your children having moved out ( which took me a while to get over!) I cannot see that the grandchildren not being there is any problem.
Its nice to look forward to grandchildren - but its best not to 'expect' to have them.

spikeirene Wed 18-May-11 21:22:43

Hello
I have read all your posts and find them really interesting. My sons wife had twins last October and one of the twins is the mini me of his dad. I found this really spooky at first like de ja vue lol
I stayed over for the first month to help with the night feeds so I bonded with them really well.
I look after them two days a week now and because I can give them back I can enjoy , even the crying and tantrums don't seem so bad or am I just mellowing with age ha ha and yes I do love them as much as my children

I came on here though because my other daughter in law is really stressed and upset as her baby of 9 weeks is not settling after her 2am feed, mum is so tired and worried. The baby takes only two ounces of bottle then falls asleep and wakes up one or two hours later crying for more.
I told her that she will get better as time goes on and the baby gets bigger.
Any advice for me please as I feel a bit helpless

spikeirene Wed 18-May-11 21:29:29

I so agree with you maxgran It took me a while to get over my kids moving out. I love both my daughters in law so I am very lucky that my family has grown.
I feel I get the best of both worlds because I can give them back. and as you say I don't have to parent them

maxgran Thu 19-May-11 15:14:39

Spikeirene,.. I have never been an over emotional type,.. but after my daughter left ( and it was not that far away when she first moved out!) I felt quite sad & depressed - It was like grief ! I didn't even know what was wrong with me but it was so weird not to have another female in the house !

lucyjack Mon 23-May-11 18:51:33

I think I love them every bit as much, if not more, than my own kids.

When they were little I didn't have as much time as now, and it's so lovely to hold a warm, trusting little body to you again.

delilah Sat 28-May-11 20:40:28

Hallo, I'm new here and having read a little from the publication on being a good granny, feel totally 'different'. I am the mother of 2 daughters and 5 sons most of who shared my bed. When I saw my first grand daughter just a few hours into her first day, I knew I would lay down my life for her just as I would for any of my other children. With a mere 20 years between my youngest child and her, I find little has changed ... and incidentally, I feel exactly the same huge surge of love for my younger grand daughter ...

My own daughter seems not unhappy that I can understand her two little ones . Maybe I just regress easily or time melts.

Faye Sat 04-Jun-11 17:31:55

I think having grandchildren is the best thing and I adore all them. I have five, a six year old granddaughter, a five year old grandson and two grandsons and a granddaughter who are all three years old. My three children had a child each in the space of 17 days and I found when I was with any of the three little ones when they were babies I always felt like they were the same baby. I always had this feeling. They all lived close at first so I got to spend a lot of time with all of them. All of the boys are now living far away and I look after the two girls three days a week and have since the eldest girl was 11 months old. For a year I also looked after my eldest grandson from when he was 11 months old too for one day a week.

I don't have favourites and recently I spent a month staying at my two grandsons home that I don't see as often because they live a 3 hour flight away. I love them just as much and miss them all the time.

I see the other grandson who lives a five hour drive away around every two months. He said when we talked on the phone recently 'come home Grandma' and when I last stayed at his house and was about to drive back home he asked if he could come with me. Its a bit sad and I just love the times when all of my grandchildren are together, especially as they all really love each other.

dorsetpennt Sun 05-Jun-11 15:55:34

When I was expecting my 2nd child I worried that I couldn't possibly love the baby as much as I loved my first. Of course I did. I had a wonderful relationship with my grandparents, but I did wonder if I would love any grandchildren as much as I loved my children. Of course I do, I adore her she is so special. I can love her without the worry one has with your own children. No worries about a career, housing, schooling etc. Just time spent together doing things a 2 year old loves to do . Now another one is due in November and I have no doubts at all and I'm so looking forward to it.
I've always said you relive your childhood through your children and their childhood through your grandchildren

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