worry worry worry

Sorry, I just spotted someone else posted this too. It's obviously a well-known feeling.

Well at least my worry levels are lower this morning. DD's op was successful and although she still has to face another one in six weeks time there's some hope for a full recovery at last.

And to think the poor girl only signed up for a laparoscopy to treat endometriosis

It does not matter how old they are, we still worry as they are still our babies. I heard a wonderful thing on the radio many years ago. It was about a conversation heard on a bus. The person heard a mother say to her son: 'just look at your face, you have chocolate on it'. She heard the mother spit on a hankie, and say 'that's better now'. When the person who heard this turned around, she saw a very elderly lady with her elderly son. How sweet.

I am a dreadful worrier and so was my mother. I was talking to an old school friend the other day. There were 4 of us who went around together and she had given us all nicknames in her head. I was hoping I would be the kind one or the pretty one etc., but I was the worrier. I worry about really small things up to really frightening things.

to all those who are worrying today.

I feel I have ruined my life by worrying. As a child I worried about my parents! My kids are grown up now but I still worry.
I think all you can do is offer practical support. My son lives in Australia now and has a good life, but when he was out of work and house sharing when he lived in England I used to make sure he ate by taking round bags of goodies and helping him out by giving him lifts to interview etc. It dosn't stop the worrying, but at least you feel you are helping in some way.
Think back to when you were his age Langfordlady.....which I what I tend to do now. You were an adult and part of being an adult is finding your own way, dealing with disappointment and so on, we all had to do it. Just be there for him, invite him round for meals, be his 'shoulder'. He will find something in the end I'm sure.
My son's main problem was staying out all night and sometimes for nights on the trot when he lived at home. He would go out on Friday night to a club and wouldn't turn up until Sunday, after spending a weekend at someone's place . This used to scare the life out of me, as he would 'forget' to text me. He was a real party animal and I would lie awake, sick with worry. Now he's in Australia he is settled and happy so I do not have that horrible sick feeling any more.
My daughter is married with her own family and I still worry about her - if she goes out with her friends for a night for example, and there are also 3 grand-children for me to worry about.
Sometimes you just have to go with it, ride the storm as best you can - I think that worrying is in some people's DNA, it certainly is in mine.

I think we will always worry about our children- we did it when they were young & you can't just turn off the tap. When elder DS separated from his wife a few years ago I was in a real state. You feel so helpless when they are older. In the end it all worked out really well but I still have the burnt work surface in kitchen where I put down a red hot pan I had allowed to overheat while I was having a good cry. I've left it to remind me that things work out in the end. I worry now about younger DS's job & of course about all of the DGC but I read a book on talking therapies for anxiety & I took in all they said about 'catastrophing'- probably spelt that wrong- & realised that I was doing just that. Now I recognise that I am doing it & I can stop. It really helped me.I tried an app. on Mindfulness too & that was also very good.
I've never had problems in this area but DH has so I knew a bit about it. Sometimes we need just a little help to think straight.
Hopefully by now your son has had good news & you are feeling better but I think we need to be the constant for our children to be able to talk things through with. Aren't we lucky that they still want us to be such a big role in their lives when you read some of the things on these pages about families that are estranged.

My children are now 27 and 25 and I worry about them just as much as when they were babies. I can't see it ever ending as I love them so much.

We all worry about our grown up children. Mine don't live near (Australia!) Since she left I have joined a small lical kni and natter group. All ages are there and I've found help and advice from all of them. We all have problems large and small but making friends to talk to has helped me enormously.

My name is on that list of worriers too. I believe I started when pregnant as I don't recall worrying about anything before that. At one point when my DS was out of work I would fill my shopping trolley with basic food staples every time I visited him, such as potatoes, tea bags, tinned soups etc but with a few more expensive treats hidden in there too. When he started work driving long distances that was a worry too and ... well you know how it goes on

A friend of mine has an interview soon and was talking about it with her brother, who came out with an excellent comment. He told her not to worry if she didn't get the job as the person who did would most likely be leaving one, so there would be a vacancy there she could apply for.

I was made redundant 3 times in the last 30 years and it was harder to cope with each time but I was lucky and still in employment when I retired.

I do understand we never stop worrying, I have been widowed for three years and seemed to be doing well until our DIL decided she no longer loved our son, who has now left the marital home, it was like another bereavement again, he seems to be OK but still l worry. Thoughts go out to you all.

I read all comments with a lot of familiarity. My DS finally left home just before his 32nd birthday last year, having given me enormous worry for years. He's held on to the same job for ten years, somehow, but refused to grow up and accept the responsibility of running his own home. Instead he just treated mine like a hotel.
He does have a habit of sharing all his worries with me, part of me knows I should always be here to listen.

However the selfish part of me wants him to be more like me, I would never have placed extra worries on my mother by spilling out my troubles.
I think my daughter is more like me, although she is happy & settled.

Just to add I am happy and settled too, the comparison was with her brother !

He's probably spending his days worrying to, why don't you suggest he do some voluntary work or help the elderly with odd jobs or even if you have some jobs need doing around garden or house.Sitting around waiting for REPLYS from jobs can eat away at your self esteem so it would be good for him to keep busy and his chin up while waiting. You never know it may open some doors too. Good luck

I don't worry as much as I used to as DS has a very strong marriage, a lovely wife, a secure career (or as secure as can be these days) and they're settled and happy, with a baby due in 6 days!
At one point they were both doing a lot of motorway travelling for several hours a day to and from work, which worried me greatly, but now DS can walk to his office and DDiL drives 10 miles on main, but not dreadfully busy roads.
Of course at the moment, I'm worrying about the impending birth, but that's worry mixed with excitement.
It's natural for us to worry about them, they never stop being our babies!

As a child, I could not understand my mother's worrying. Now I'm a mother, I can SO understand it.

Like monica I used to hide things from my own mother because she would worry (and kind of make it about her).

I now hide my worries about dd from her. If I'm not worried, I worry about not worrying.

Can't win!

DD recently passed her driving test - I've never worried so much in all my life. DSIL has now bought a wee gadget that will track your loved ones in their vehicles, and alert next of kin and emergency services automatically if anything untoward happens. This has helped a lot, but I still worry every day. They are always our babies, even when grown up and with their own offspring!

all your comments are so reassuring. Someone said that worrying didn't help anyone, and the thing is, I KNOW that, but it changes nothing. A few years ago, I did a CBT course which did help a bit, but the theory is easier than the practice. i understand the catastrophising thing too, which I am definitely guilty of, and I am working on that as we speak. My son hasn't heard about the job interview so it's not looking good. I texted last night. This is the conversation
"Any news?"
"Nope"
"Weird"
"Give up"
"Don't do that!"
"No I won't. I'm too strong to do that"
He's not a man of many words!
So, I'm relieved and disappointed at the same time.

They are 46 and 42 and I still worry - I think it is natural to be honest but the trick is not to let them see it. Langfordlady - in the 1980's recession my husband lost a really good job and we heard somewhere that it is easier to get a job when you already have one. He swallowed his pride and took all sorts - part time, full time but anything to be employed and eventually was successful in getting permanent, full time employment. Perhaps your son would consider a similar path ?

I worry all the time about my adult children. My sons job has become very insecure and he's got very little by way of qualifications to fall back on and just buries his head in the sand. My daughter is expecting her first baby and I've totally bitten my nails down to the quick!!

mcculloch29 your post rings so many bells with me, as regards our eldest daughter. Some of her problems would make your hair stand on end!Or maybe not if you read Mumsnet and Gransnet.
Like you, when younger I went through some very bad times but never told my parents.
It must be different if they live close by.

Both daughter and son in law's jobs are ending, they're both in their forties. They are really up beat about it. They don't have children, do have savings and will be getting redundancy money so they plan to travel together before looking for new jobs. My worry is not them but my mum who is 92. I know she will worry about them so haven't told her yet. Will have to bite the bullet soon. She's always been a worrier and this seems to be intensifying. Maybe because she feels helpless. A period of unemployment seems likely for everyone now and can be very unsettling for all concerned. I try not to ask people who are going through it how it's going, I know I'll hear soon enough when there's some good news. I agree with the poster who says to be on hand with treats. Sounds like a great plan.

I constantly worry about my two big sons, 37 and 34. Sometimes with good cause and sometimes not. I really believe we worry much more as we get older. I certainly do and several friends agree. Methinks we should listen to NotTooOld!

Yes the worry never stops just changes, I am worrying about GS1 at present, he will be looking for a job soon and has a speech problem I just hope someone will see past it and give him a chance. Something which struck me this morning, all the DC are away on holiday at the moment, in the past this would just mean waiting for a postcard but now we get daily texts and pictures which is lovely in one way but keeps anxiety levels going when you hear the hair raising things that are going on. I wish everyone well with children who are looking for jobs and coping with health problems.

With 6 children between us, I'd be in my grave if I worried about all of them but I have had my moments. When they have been out of work, I have sent them links to jobs I think they might be interested in but may not have seen in the hope it will increase their chances of success. DH and I are well versed in the art of CV's and Application forms so we give them help there if they want it. It is difficult to find the balance between being supportive and pushy but at the end of the day they know that we are really rooting for them. I worry more if they aren't trying to help themselves or are deliberately kiboshing themselves because then that really is a problem.