am i an abuser/abusive person

It sounds as if you have paid a heavy price, for a long time, for what you did.

It's a repulsive thing to do, but well, you've never repeated it, and your partner is still around.

It seems you want to punish yourself?

If it was a one off I think you should forget about it and get on with your life! We all have said or done things we wish we hadn't at times. My advice is don't dwell on it. Imagine you probably apologised at the time. Move on !

Of course one act, when in a temper doesn't make you an abuser. You would be hard pushed to find anyone who hasn't at some time or another behaved aggressively to someone else, by shouting at them, throwing something on the floor or a deed of that nature..

Why on earth are you worrying about one action all that time ago. Sounds as if you have too much time on your hands, go and find some interest hobby or volunteer work to occupy your mind.

Hello orchardtrees. I am fairly new to Gransnet too and I am not a grandmother either, although I am in my 60's.

Your post is full of pain and I could not just read and run, as they say.

I'm not sure exactly what your question is but I think a lot of men would have walked away after the event. Spitting in someone's face is a horrible thing to do, but you already know that and in 18 years you have not repeated such behaviour.

I don't feel qualified to advise further but hopefully someone will be along with a fuller response.

Do try to be kind to yourself.

I also feel the pain in your writing and feel that if something bothered me so acutely I'd need to raise it with my partner.

I'd ask him in a quiet moment if he has forgiven you for that horrible act and if he thinks you are abusive at all. If you love each other I think you can talk this painful thing through and hopefully find both forgiveness and closure.

Spitting in someone's face is just about the most vile, disgusting thing you could have done and frankly, if you'd done that to me, I wouldn't have hung around for 18 years to see if you were up for a repeat performance. Do I think you're an abuser? Yes, most definitely. You know that what you did was repulsive and abusive and I think that the reason it's still haunting you, after all this time, is because you aren't sure that you won't do it again if the same circumstances arose. And please stop using mental illness as some kind of explanation for your behaviour. Many of us have poor mental health. Very few of us spit in someone's face.

Whilst that was a horrible thing to do the fact that you haven’t repeated the act means it was a one off. Trust me on this, my son in law was abused by his ex (although legally he is the abuser thanks to family courts believing women every time with no evidence whatsoever). Having experienced her anger and abuse I have no compunction in saying so. Abusers don’t stop, you did. Please forgive yourself and ignore the nasty comments of people who have no idea of what drove you to that act at the time.

It was a one off, your partner has forgiven you, time to forgive yourself.

An abuser has a pattern of abuse that runs through their life, you haven’t.

Some helpful comments and advice here, all except for one. Please ignore that one because one event, never repeated is not abuse. And although spitting in someone’s face is absolutely vile, you did not harm or damage your boyfriend, you did something offensive towards him, but you did not harm him.
NotSpaghetti’ssuggestion is good. Talk it over with your boyfriend and apologise again and try to find some peace for yourself because you don’t deserve to suffer and agonise over this for the rest of your life.

Puddy, your post is frankly aggressive. A few kind words wouldn't have hurt.This woman knows that once she did a horrible thing, many wouldn't have stayed around, yet he did and he is still there 17 years later, he’s awful your pain and knew it was a one off. You had mental health issues and were at a low point in your life and he could see that. She has worried about this and punished herself. Orchard you are not an abuser. Sit down with your partner and tell him how you have been feeling please all these years. After, put this behind you. No one has not done or said something they regret yet are quick to judge others.

Stop punishing yourself for something you did all those years ago. Some time in life a lot of people have done or said something they regret. You can’t turn back the clock but you can move forward it’s time you did that now.
Your partner gave you a second chance because they could see something in you. So embrace your life with a partner who stayed with you and appreciate the relationship you have now.

Thank you all for your time and response to me. I do appreciate it and the kindness you have given me.

Puddycat, I believe much of what you said is truth. A lot of people, most, who suffer from mental illness don't spit at someone, I can't just but it down to mental illness, and I went back and forth about whether I should mention mental illness in my post at al.
I think there is truth in your word that I am 'haunted' by what I did because I'm not wholly sure that I wouldn't do it again if the same circumstances arose. The problem here is that what I did at 18, the circumstances were very specific, and they simply couln't repeat now I am in my mid-30s, I don't think ' if circumstances what if it happens again, I might spit at my boyfriend' I do think 'I cannot have those circumstances again as it simply isn't possible, because of this, I can never know that I wouldn't do it again'.
To me being sorry means never doing it again, but this dosn't take away the initial abuse. I can say that I have been in different circumstances since; unemployment, work problems, problems related to my mental health and my disability and I have not done this. I can't re-create the exac circumstances of being 18. I have supported my boyfriend though his problems, ill health mentally, being unable to work, his own bad memories and other things.
I suppose what I am trying to ask you is is there any way, in your light that an abusive person like me could become an ex-abuser or is that simply not possible? Some people are ex-gamblers, ex-burglars, ex-drug crime, ex-racist, but no-one in most peoples view is an ex-killer or ex-r***ist. I try to help and support my boyfriend, I have donating to a domestic violence charity, I have done other volunteering? Is any change possible?

I appreciate every person responding to me

You were an hormonal 18 year old at the time of the unpleasant incident.
In the intervening years you have matured. I think it's unlikely that you will repeat this behaviour. You must have many good traits to your personality otherwise your partner would have left you a long time ago.
Try to forgive yourself and enjoy what you have. Forgiving is not forgetting. It's remembering and letting go. I wish you a happy life.

In some cultures, spitting is a display of disgust. However, I’m not sure spitting ‘in the face’ is acceptable. orchardtree - it’s done now, he’s still with you. He obviously doesn’t think you are abusive. Just get on with your lives, and make the best of it. I don’t think you are abusive either.

We've all done things we regret. The main thing is to learn from our mistakes and not repeat them. It's time to forgive yourself now. A one off doesn't make you an abuser.
Maybe a careful chat with your partner about it, and then put it behind you and move on. Best wishes.

maybe you should seek some couples' counselling.

Hm.
Yes what happened when you were young and impulsive was but you repented. You didn’t get physical.
He is in my mind in the wrong here because he’s still punishing you. This should have been done and dusted and I feel sorry for you.

I doubt there is anyone that hasn't done something they were ashamed of at some time in their life. Most people are just able to get over it.

Quite frankly it doesn't matter what some people, or most people, think. The only thing that matters is what you and your partner think. I would let him know that it is playing on your mind and you need to get it out in the open and discuss it. It's perfectly possible that after so many years he doesn't even think of it at all. Unless of course it's his behaviour that makes you think he hasn't forgotten. Either way the only way to mend is to address it, either with him or a therapist.

You are NOT an abuser you did something in the heat of the moment and have never repeated it.

Sounds like you need to give yourself a break. And all this time later why not have a conversation with your partner and say how you are feeling.
There must be a lot of good things about you otherwise he would be long gone. It seems you are focusing on this one error. How about writing a list of all your good attributes and read them to yourself, often, to get a more balanced view of yourself.

Committing a one off abusive act, does not make you an abuser and I agree with others that you need to talk about this with your partner. If you have his forgiveness you need to learn to forgive yourself, and I hope that you can .

orchardtrees....what you did all those years ago was deeply, deeply unpleasant - you were a different person then in different circumstances, all of that plays a part.

As others have said, perhaps talking it through with your partner / a professional would help?

I'd also ask you....if I slapped my partner nearly 20 years ago and can't forgive myself, even though the other person involved had forgiven me, it had never happened again etc, what would your advice to me be?
If we were all judged on our very worst act, none of us would look that good!

Stop beating yourself up over it .
You lost your temper .
We aren't saints .

I used to feel really depressed the day before I had my period and could blow a fuse apart from feeling tearful and unable to cope .
Normally , I've always been very placid -well known for it !
On the scales , my weight gain would be a good half stone , which was probably fluid .
My head would feel fuzzy .
I was given diuretics and they gave me stomach cramps so I just got on with it .

Looking back on things that we said and did is not always a catharsis .

Do something nice -go for a walk , go the cinema , buy yourself some flowers , do a good deed and take a very deep breath ....

Does your partner actually bring this up with you? If not you really need to leave it in the past where it belongs.