Rude Daughter

What a heartbreaking position your niece is in and she is no doubt very grateful for your support.

As for your daughter I understand how hurt you must be but we mums , ie me too, try to avoid arguing especially if they always have an answer to anything you might say.
It sounds like you feel a bit used for babysitting etc . Our children can take our help for granted and wonder if you might be less available sometimes.
I don’t know if you get out much but if not why not Join something like u3A and meet new people. I did and am off to tai chi this morning and just had a message from a new friend offering a lift. Or walking in a group which most councils run for free is another option.
Good luck 🤞

silverlining48 Thanks for feedback. My daughter complains that I'm always busy...I am on my own fgs

I'm an exhibited artist, play competative bridge, have a good circle of friends and often go to my bolthole by the sea. I retired as a local authority councillor in 2022. So I don't lack a life.

But much of this is because I was widowed and that my daughter is not forthcoming with her comminication. She rarely phones to see how I am. I tend to be the one to reach out

During lockdown, she never phoned. I was on my own and relied on friends and son to comminicate. She dropped some food over once when I had an e-coli infection. I'm nearly 72, so not as sprightly as I once was

You sound busy enough Lin.
Love the seaside and a seaside bolt hole.
Have you had a look at mumsnet ?
It’s interesting how some of our grown children see parents. Quite opened my eyes, and not in a good way.
I wish you well and hope some other grans will be along with their advice and experience.

Hello LinFreed, I'm sorry that you're having these problems with your daughter.

As far as your niece is concerned, you could point out to your daughter that your niece is part of your own family, your extended family and what you choose to do to help her isn't your daughter's business or concern.

It might be an idea to be less available for baby sitting in the future, even if you are free, saying that you're not from time to time, may make her appreciative when you are.

It looks as if being non confrontational and understanding is working against you in this situation. You can assert yourself, make her aware of how you're feeling without being confrontational and a little less understanding would be a good thing too.

As long as you're prepared to allow her behaviour to go unchallenged, it will never change. It might not change if you do, but at least you'll have made your position clear, and if you set up some boundaries you'll at least have some control.

We cannot change how others treat us, only how we respond to their treatment.

Have courage, stand up for yourself .

Good advice from Smileless.. she is absolutely correct that you need to establish boundaries and stand up to her. You sound like a lovely caring, kind woman and what you are doing for your neice and by default your sister as well, is exemplory and probably very necessary given todays NHS situation.. How could you not help and support her? and why doesn't your DD have your compassion and kindness?

Your DD obviously has her own issues. If you feel unable to actually confront her you could just stand back a little, be less available and never respond emotionally to her rudeness.. Stay calm at all times so she can begin to reflect on her behaviour... she might even have MH issues that have not been recognised..

It sounds as though your daughter is on the Autistic spectrum and probably can’t help that she has no empathy.
That doesn’t help though, in her working life she has probably got away with being detached, but by now she should have learned some life skills to help her with day to day family life.

I think a sit down and a proper chat would help, you can tell her that your niece needs you and try to establish why your DD is how she is.

I agree with the last two posts. I too have a daughter a bit like this. I love her, but I feel a bit intimidated. I have recently thought about it and decided to be a bit more assertive, which I have done. You don't have to be confrontational but we shouldn't be afraid to be assertive. It's possible to change how you react. you will feel better about yourself, even if she doesn't change.

Oopsadaisy1

It sounds as though your daughter is on the Autistic spectrum and probably can’t help that she has no empathy.
That doesn’t help though, in her working life she has probably got away with being detached, but by now she should have learned some life skills to help her with day to day family life.

I think a sit down and a proper chat would help, you can tell her that your niece needs you and try to establish why your DD is how she is.

You just beat me to it! Sounds to me like she is on the autistic spectrum so life is pretty much all about her and her interests or her job.

How you broach this with her is probably not going to be easy but if you could somehow get her to agree to being assessed that would be a great start.

Just be honest with your daughter. Tell her you’re helping your niece as she’s in a very bad place at the moment and that your daughter should be grateful she is not suffering as her cousin is.

I’d ignore all the little gripes and snipes or laugh at them in front of her.

Your daughter maybe deeply unhappy herself or depressed or jealous or be neuro divergent and never diagnosed OR she could just be a cold fish 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Please don’t let her upset you any further, it’s none of her business what you choose to do or with whom.

I wish you and your niece and her family all the best.

Lin Freed, is telling her how you feel confrontational ? If you do tell her how you feel she may well have plenty of replies to defend her behaviour, she seems to be very intelligent. Telling her how you feel is not confrontational however to do so would make you vulnerable to her lack of sympathy.

Unless she is a bit stupid, she knows her behaviour is unsympathetic . Would it help if the next time she is aggressive why not say "please would you say that in a way not to hurt my feelings?" Or to be more specific "Please would you ask me to babysit in a way not to hurt my feelings?" She seems to be very clever girl in some ways but in human relations she is a slow learner.

Your problem is you love her and won't desert her despite her being unrewarding company

I agree you sound a kind Mum and loving person. It does sound very much that your niece needs your support. Can you just gently stand up for yourself to your DD? So if she says something hurtful say 'Gosh that sounds rude Mary but I'm sure you didn't mean to be and it came out wrongly" and smile. Don't let her get to you. Just gently point out her rudeness not every time but every 2 -3 times and maybe she will realise how badly she is treating you.Good luck.

mumofmadboys

I agree you sound a kind Mum and loving person. It does sound very much that your niece needs your support. Can you just gently stand up for yourself to your DD? So if she says something hurtful say 'Gosh that sounds rude Mary but I'm sure you didn't mean to be and it came out wrongly" and smile. Don't let her get to you. Just gently point out her rudeness not every time but every 2 -3 times and maybe she will realise how badly she is treating you.Good luck.

This. Great advice.

I think Mum of Mad Boys's suggestion is a little better than mine

pascal30 I think you're spot on about mental health issues. That's why her dh has been desperate about her behaviour sometimes. She's a bit better now she's volunteering for CAB and has a new puppy to walk.

I'm not available for all babysits and she does ask well in advance. When she was an adolescent she had body dysmorphia, was sleep eating (sleep walking into the kitchen) because she wasn't eating enough and very grumpy and unhappy.

Much better since she's had children & got a partner, but still lots under the surface.

oopsadaisy1 You've got ut! I didn't like to say, but my friend suggested she's on the spectrum. Very ocd, a bit like her husband, who is similar. They found eachother!

linfreed You have written about this before, and it seems things have got no better. You really need to stop being so available.
Why do people always say when someone is rude and demanding they may be autistic,no they are mostly just rude and selfish. I find labelling people for bad manners, rudeness, and lack of thought just wrong. Look at the estranged thread, do all the Grandparents who are estranged have autistic adult children?

rafichagran

linfreed You have written about this before, and it seems things have got no better. You really need to stop being so available.
Why do people always say when someone is rude and demanding they may be autistic,no they are mostly just rude and selfish. I find labelling people for bad manners, rudeness, and lack of thought just wrong. Look at the estranged thread, do all the Grandparents who are estranged have autistic adult children?

Because they may well be and nobody has picked up on it before!

Look at Chris Packham, highly intelligent but prefers the company of his dogs to humans because he finds it really difficult to communicate with them and “guess” what they are thinking.

Lots of people say he is very stand offish and distant and also very direct but they are classic signs of autism which of course, we know he has.

Primrose she could also just be rude, demanding and nasty. People always look for excuses for bad behaviour.
I knew a woman whose child was very badly behaved, rude, spoilt and demanding, she tried to say it could be autism, rubbish he was badly behaved and instead of parenting she made excuses. This child never knew the word no, he never had consequences for his behavior.
I feel very sorry for children /people with autism, I just can't stand people who use it as a excuse for bad behaviour.

Perhaps pull back, don't tell DD of your care to your niece. That is really none of her business. Talk on neutral easy topics.

Some people are just difficult and touchy, not a reflection on their parents and siblings - just a fact. I doubt she'll change - she's ok with herself.

FWIW, don't listen to others complaining of her - gossip never helps.

mumofmadboys

I agree you sound a kind Mum and loving person. It does sound very much that your niece needs your support. Can you just gently stand up for yourself to your DD? So if she says something hurtful say 'Gosh that sounds rude Mary but I'm sure you didn't mean to be and it came out wrongly" and smile. Don't let her get to you. Just gently point out her rudeness not every time but every 2 -3 times and maybe she will realise how badly she is treating you.Good luck.

Great advice.

Gently point her rudeness every once in awhile, then drop it.

Not everyone is empathetic, I'd imagine she views herself "direct" - not necessarily a negative trait and one you'll not change.

If you dont like her behaviour distance yourself from her, if she were not related would you want to spend time with her?

Having a label of autism does not change who she is so is irrelevant, she is an intelligent women who knows how to behave with good manners or she would not hold down a job, she chooses to behave the way she does with her mother.

I would say your daughter has a difficult personality, is naturally selfish and unlikely to change so lower your expectations, of food, meals and family holidays. Continue helping your niece because you want to and she needs your help, (no need to justify it); carry on babysitting (when convenient) because you get to form a loving relationship with your grandchildren; and continue with your interesting-sounding life you have developed of art, bridge, friends and the bolthole by the sea.

My DD also has a difficult personality. I have learned to live with it. She has a heart of gold but everything is about her. I get very hurt sometimes. My mother was the same. If there's one thing I have learned in my life it's that we can't change anyone.

It could be. ADHD. Women with this brain suffer from impulsiveness and have difficulty in controlling outbursts.