Difficult daughter-in-laws

Having been treated very shabbily if not actually cruelly by my parents in law and by my MiL particularly, I am careful to seek out and enjoy the good in my son's partners.

I know how horrid it can be to be kicked around emotionally because 'you dared to marry her son' and I wont let it happen to another women in my life.

This is not the same problem the OP has but family dynamics are complex and shaded by all kinds of past influences.

When my MiL was dying she asked me to forgiver her for being 'wicked'.

Nonna2

Lovely post, you sound like a really nice lady, who can see both sides of the coin.

When ive read posts on here about DILs who are unreasonable, or who dont get along with the ILs i cant help but wonder just how much of this animosty is down to the parents inability to accept another into their family.

Relationships with ILs are formed long before any wedding or partnership takes place. My MIL was a wonderful woman, and my best friend and i certainly dont put that down to just me being friendly with her, but also her ability to open up her heart and her home to a woman who was about to take 1st place in her DS's life.

It takes two to tango but at the same time three doesnt have to be a crowd

I try to make my Daughter in Law the same as my Daughter and include them both in what we do,as I didnt want DIL to feel an outsider as can so easily happen, but to feel she is a valued member of our family.

But that old saying is true in the respect that my Daughter by choice seeks out my company, where as my son does not seem to need the same kind of contact since he was married, his sounding board is now his wife, which I only right.

"grannyrosie" keep smiling.....take care hope the future becomes brigthter for you all as time moves on..[]

Thank you Lucy

I love it that Kaylum is so adored and surrounded by people who love him - it can only be good for him to have all of his family around him and to feel that they all pull together ... and that's what it's about really - the children

It helps that 'S' (my daughter's MIL) is a lovely person - I would hate to feel that either she feels pushed out or that my daughter and son in law feel that they have to juggle each 'side' of the family ... it's hard enough bringing up young children without having to worry about everyone else's feelings as well.

So much easier if the grandparents themselves are pro-active in making things run smoothly and taking the pressure off!

I hate to say this, but one or two of these posts make me cringe.... sometimes its quite obvious why the mother in law and daughter in laws don't get on, and plainly it is not always the DILs fault. People aren't always likeable even if they are the mother of the man you love. Sorry

I have just joined gransnet having been a mumsnetter for a while under a different name.I have a d-i-l a s-i-l and 2 step d-i-l's I get on very well with all of them but the relevant comment to this debate is my relationship with my daughter's m-i-l who is a lovely woman.When the first grandchild was born she said,'I know I'll always be number two granny.'I found this so sad and said,'No we'll be first equal.'My daughter really loves her m-i-l[who has 2 sons and no daughters]they have fun together and I think she appreciates the advice of an older woman who doesnt have the same emotional involvement with her as I do.We share child care as I wanted a regular committment but she didnt.However she likes overnighters and will always do emergencies.Its about sharing-there's enough love for everyone and as mothers of grown up daughters we should encourage them to form sold relationships with their m-i-l.
My own d-i-l is Turkish and they live in Turkey.She was wary of me at first but is always warm and welcoming now.

Helshea,
Of course its not always the DiLs fault !
As the more mature and experienced,..the MiL should be more aware, especially if she had a MiL herself when she was younger .

Both MiL & DiL should make an effort to get on but sadly,.. One, The other, or Both are competing instead of trying to build a relationship.

My MiL was horrible to me - and I am sad to say - I was bloody awkward with her too. I regret that now because I should have not been so stubborn, However, I was young and insecure and now I am a MiL myself I have not made the same mistake with my son's wife.

My point was that there isnt a division of labour,we as feminists fought hard for equality but younger women seem not to have embraced the political and just the personal.
I think its wonderful that my sons and grandsons have grown into men who want to take on their fair share and are able to but watching it onesided we do wonder how the majority of younger women seem to get away with the life of leisure while its our nice sons who do the double day. Equality was never ever about turns but watching all individuals to respect the rights of others.

I know where you are coming from GtGran, and fully respect what you are saying. But you are only seeing what happens when you are there, and quite often this is not a good indication of what happens when you are not!

If a couple do not share responsibilities/work etc - its their issue.
If one is not pulling their weight then the other one is daft to put up with it.

I often hear people moaning about how their other half does not do as much as them etc... Instead of moaning they should be sorting it out and if your other half will not meet you half way or respect you then I wonder why people stay with someone like that.
Either accept it - or change it.

My point was that in fighting for equality it seemed to many of us who have paved the way for the younger women to have these freedoms may we not have erred the other way and made our sons a complete walkover.
Magazines seem full of articles were women now seem to favour the men who give them a hard time rather than the softer new man.
I am very proud of my sons and grandson being extremely nice men.Capable of caring.
Equality is not about payback time nor being the so called oppressors turn to suffer, it is about achieving mutual respect. My home is abig house where everyone is welcome and I would never dream of interfering between families but there is definitely a percentage of lazy young women out there.

I hate to be glib, and hate to seem patronising.. but there is only one word i can muster.. and that is "whatever!" Sorry GtGran, but I think your rose coloured glasses may be getting in the way...

There are some lovely posts on here.

Coming at it from the other angle, I absolutely adore my mother in law (and father in law as well). I feel very lucky to have them in my life. My partner is one of 6 (5 boys and a girl) and my MIL gets on wonderfully will all her daughters in law bar one. We all think she is lovely. I wish my own mother was like her! I love her very much.

We are all going on holiday together in France for 2 weeks this August - me, my partner, my daughter and a friend and my parents in law. I would have scoffed somewhat at the thoughjt of holidaying with my in laws when I was young, but I am really looking forward to it.

Re choresI have noticed that History really doeS repeat itself. If Yr parents accepted and shared the load then their children tend to do so.

My pil are very involved in my childrens lives and we are going away with my parents and the pil soon. My mil can be a little tricky but seven yrs has taught me to be pro active rather than defensive and we get on much better now Long may it continue

I am very sad to read about all these people who are at loggerheads with their in-laws.

To redress the balance, I must add the fact that my two sons-in-law and my next-best-thing-to-a-daughter-in law are (almost) as dear to me as my own children. My girls are on excellent terms with their in-laws.

My own relations with my in-laws, and my husband's with my parents, were equally happy, and so were my parents' relations with each others parents. I get the impression that the same was true of my husband's parents.

Do problems run in families, on one side and/or the other, do you think?

I'm at my wits end with my daughter in law. They have two small children I adore and it looks like I'm only welcome if I spend a lot of money on her and the children. They came home from living abroad earlier this year and I was the only one helping them to settle back at their home in this country. Everything was reasonably fine while I responded to their urgent needs, but after a family party at their home a month ago I told both of them I couldn't afford to keep paying for so many things they need. I had paid for most of the party!

She has blanked me since and is refusing to let me chat with my grandchildren on the phone.( I live 90 miles away) This is not sudden odd behaviour, she has a history of dysfunctionality which is why they had to return to this country so abruptly. My son had to give up a great career abroad to bring them all back so he could keep a closer eye on his little family. Last November, when everyone including my son, thought all was happy with the family, she took off one afternoon with the babies and flew to her relatives in Saudi Arabia. To live. She was texting my son saying she was getting his tea ready and the children were looking forward to him coming home to bath them, while in reality she was loading suitcases into a taxi for the airport. He had no idea where she went and was distraught until she emailed him the following day. Her family are very dysfunctional and have no regard for rights, only money.

Eventually my son got his passport back and went to Saudi to get them back. Her parents were furious that he had followed the children and even tried locking them in their house to stop him taking them back. He finally persuaded his wife to return with him and on the condition they all returned to this country, out of her parents reach. It was an abduction and the eldest child was very upset for months afterwards which is why I was so ready to help them in any way.

Now her mother wants to come to stay with them this August and there is a lot of concern in the family that she might try to take the children again. D-I-L wants her mum to see their home, see how the children have grown which would be fair but for the fact this woman just cannot be trusted. She sweetens up everyone around her before doing any dirty deed and gets away with it because it's so unexpected. My son is living under huge stress,

I know from a social network site her mother wants me off the scene now as i have been around helping them for months. She also wants my son out of the picture and he has been insisting she does not visit their home, instead staying with a friend locally.

The rest of my family are insisting I keep an eye on things (they are scattered all around the country) but D-I-L has decided I can't speak to the children now. Or she's listening to her mother.

This is not a family dispute, this is major and you probably need legal advice.

I got on brilliantly with my mil until we were arranging our marriage then I saw a nasty green person that ensured I kept her at arms distance. I tried several times to befriend her and my mum and dad and grandmother and sisters always included them in our family occasions and Christmas because my husband is an only child. She would try to quarrel with me but I walked away - whenever my husband and her set eyes on each other it was minutes before they were quarreling - she was so jealous of everything!!!Always saw them as they had no-one but us and she could have had such a good friend but she was impossible so..... I was distant and remote and did what I had too and when she was widowed for 11 years our lives were hell because she presumed she would move in with us - that would have been over my dead body.

Thank you harrigran.

The children were taken last November and so much has happened since. Too much to make real sense of it. My son wanted everything back to normal as possible so no legal moves were made then when his wife agreed to return with him.

I don't trust my D-I-L, she got away with what she did without consequences and loves drama, above concerns for the children. I know that there was little contact between her and her mother for some months, whatever went on in Saudi must have been very bad as they used to be in daily contact. Within days of being in touch again her mother wanted to come and stay. Son said no way, she'll have to stay somewhere else and never come to the house. His m-i-l then posted some childish and spiteful messages on a social network site which only proved to anyone interested that she's as insane as ever.

I have not had a fall out with D-I-L but she knows I am very frightened she will be persuaded by her mother to take the children again. Her mum does not want her talking to me and she could see how much I have been helping them from the party photographs. Today i learnt D-I-L's sister is coming to stay (again from Saudi - a duplicate of the mother) It was after one of her visit's when they were abroad that she suddenly took off with the children.

Yes, I know we need legal help, but that is a step my son refuses to do at this time. His brother and sister have talked to him, tried to persude him to hide the children's passports but they can apply for new passports without his knowing.

This family arrived in this country six months after moving abroad with a great job and very few know what really happened to cause them to abandon everything to come back so suddenly. D-I-L lies to her friends, she has treated my son very badly but he will stick with her through thick and thin because he adores the children.

Difficult, and of course your son wants to do the best he can for his children.
Sending you best wishes, stay strong.

It's heartbreaking to see a son having such problems; when they were little we could at least give them a cuddle but when they're adults we just have to hurt for them [but not let them see that we're hurting]..and just 'be' there for them.

Here here Nonna2. We are so lucky as my DIL's family have become great freinds. My son and his wife live near them, and the other grandma looks after the kids all the time, but we often go and stay both with my son and with the other grandma if they are away to share the childcare. WE have evn all been on holiday together
Families are for sharing!

I so agree with crimson. That was the easy time when they were young and we thought then that it was tough having toddlers. Huh, what did we know! - it's so much more difficult when they're adults. Just have to stand back and watch them make their own mistakes and it hurts so much at times

I agree with the comments about dil, but I think you have to work hard to build upa relationship with them. As grannyrosie said, my friends who are grannies have a "zip" for all the times when you have to keep quiet. My mum used to say that "she had to have her say" about everything, used to drive me mad, so I don't I "zip up " if I feel it is appropriate.
If you want to see your grandchildren you have to have a good relationship with your DIL, it's hard work but worth it.