Difficult daughter-in-laws

An odd thing in France is that the word for DIL is the same as for 'step daughter' - 'belle fille'. My SIL is my 'beau fils' - rather nice, as he is indeed very handsome!

I was having a long chat on the phone to absentdaughter in New Zealand yesterday. She happened to mention certain areas of friction within her NZ family – not, by any means, all to do with her. We then side-tracked completely – as you do – and I started telling her about the comments on this thread (and on others in the past) and warned that one day she is likely to be a mother-in-law and in two or three cases to daughters-in-law. She told me that she was taking notes. So we are definitely doing something good here.

We definitely are absentgrana. I remember many years ago when I first became a d-i-l and was absolutely terrified of my m-i-l (still am nervous 38 years later). It has been a difficult relationship but we are are still on good terms I think, I'm not so scared of her now and I have tried to be a good d-i-l. Her own daughter struggles with her so I know it's not just me. But............my experience has encouraged me to work hard at being a 'better' m-i-l. I think I have a good relationship with my d-i-l (even though she and d/s are now separated) but I am determined to stay on good terms - there is my gorgeous g/d to think about too. I see many of my own earlier insecurities in my d-i-l and work really hard at 'putting myself in her shoes' - insecurity and lack of confidence can show itself in many ways - sometimes coming over as cold and unfriendly. I hope we can continue along the same path and even when the inevitable happens (permanent separation/divorce) - I will always consider her to be family

The first time I met my daughter in law was at arrivals in an American airport. She came up to me, hugged me and said "Oh, my God, you are SO European!" I thanked her and she said "no, thank you, for T." Our bond was made.

I have a problem. Would like some advice.

Two of our sons is getting married. One that was engaged before the other his bride to be insited that they gave to get married before the other.

In this wedding we are expected to pay for things. However we know nothing I mean nothing about this wedding. Did not know anything like the dresses were bought etc knew no colors. Nothing. Told a week ago to get my dress. The menu. Have no idea. What’s going on. Was told to make guest bags asked how many are coming. Was told it’s none of my business their wedding is a need to know based. We don’t need to know that. So I’m guessing the amount of bags to get. Stressed yes. Went to the shower. The bride introduced. Her bridal party her mom and her moms best friend. I was never introduced. Traditionally. I. Our family. Both families are included in the processional. And dance. ( mother son. Father daughter. ). I’m afraid we won’t be included. But was expected to make 6000 cookies. How do I handle this gracefully.

This girl is in completion with the other bride. She is trying to compare what we are spending on one wedding. We have it fair. Same amount on both.

I’ve been. Nice. Waited for her to say something to me but we only get. “ our wedding is a need to know bases you don’t need to know but feel free to pay for more stuff and maybe you will know more. “.

When my youngest son brought his then GF home I gained a daughter, she has fitted right in and I have nothing bad to say about her.

our wedding is a need to know basis

Seriously really!!! And you are expected to pay?? Why on earth do you accept this rudeness from your son? You need to stand up for yourself and stop being such a door mat cheeky feckers!!!

I have 2 dils and we get on very well. See the grandchildren frequently and have always welcomed them.

I have 2 dds and would be lying if u said we were not closer so of course my dils are closer to their mums. Especially when there are new babies I completely understand girls wanting their mums more than their mils.

Keep smiling and welcoming but no door mats.

What are you expected to pay for?

Generally the bride chooses her own colours and her own bridal party. That's not on your need to know list. Just because YOU have family traditions does not mean she is obligated to observe them.

Elegran I'm with you. I don't think it's north/south, more what the various families are used to. My family like reading, walking and being by themselves. My husband's family like reading, chatting, meeting people. Neither family is wrong, but you can see where the two grate. As for the PP upthread who said it was a recent thing for men to look after children and help around the house - my father did it and so did my DH. Covering most of the last century. I can see some women might take it all for granted and just paint their toenails on holiday - but others might do a job and most of the heavy lifting at home and holiday is their only breather.

Mommie6

You have a problem with your son far more than your DIL.

Don’t make the bags, or guess a number. Too bad if there isn’t enough. You don’t really get to pick any of the things you talked about. Certainly not menus, flowers etc.

I don’t think they have been polite or gracious but stop feeding in to it. Just smile and nod.