Difficult daughter-in-laws

Don't we have legislation where grandparents have the legal right to see their grandchildren?

Am relieved to discover that if I am patient and careful I might be able to develop a better relationship with my dil because it is a bit tough and hurtful at the moment. I never had a mil to contend with much to my regret - why do mothers of little sons not realize that they too could be in this position one day?

I don't have any DIL as I have two girls, but I have a grand-daughter-in law that has made my grandson very happy, a SIL and a grandson-in-law. My daughter gets on very well with her DIL even though she can be a bit cheeky when it comes to asking for financial help. My daughter's own MIL is wonderful and accepted her and her four children with open arms. She was just amused to find my SIL was extremely helpful in the house (my daughter worked full time as well as studyng for a degree) because he had never lifted a finger at home.
Yes, many young husbands now do a fairer share of the chores, and why on earth not? It means they have more time to spend together doing things they enjoy. My sister now admits that she brought up her four sons badly by never expecting them to do anything and criticising a neighbour who helped his working wife with the chores. One of the sons is just like his father - leaves everything to his wife. The other sons are very happily married and do at least their fair share. My sister soured her relationships with her DIL's at first by being critical - now her sons visit at weekend and bring the grandchildren but her DIL's are always too busy.
I love my SIL and my grandson-in-law because they have made my girls so happy and are such great fathers. They are always very nice to me and invite me to stay with them. My SIL in New Zealand is adamant that they want me to go and live with them whenever I am tired of living alone (but we would keep separate areas so they still had their privacy). His own father was very angry when they emigrated, but I supported their decision whole-heartedly because I knew it would work out for them - and it has.

It's a precious gift to have a MIL that will accept a divorced wife and her children for their son. My own MIL is my very dear friend who has always shown immense love and support, even though she was shocked to the core and understandably worried when her son and I fell in love. He was very young when we married, but we've just celebrated our silver wedding and only last week my MIL sent us the most wonderful card as she'd been reflecting on our marriage and wanted to share some of hr thoughts with us. My FIL too is a wonderful man; I am very blessed to have such fine people in my life.

I loved my MIL too ga but lost her when she was just 58. She was my greatest help when I had my second baby at home, nothing was too much trouble even though it was Christmas.
My MIL treated me like a daughter and was so happy to be in our house that she wanted to move in. Thank God for MILs like that, my own mother kept well out of the way until the baby was born and everything sorted.

It was even more wonderful of my daughter's religious MIL to accept her - she was 32 when she met her husband and he was 24, and my daughter had never actually been married to her children's father!
They have now been married for 16 years and have had a further two children and he has been the most wonderful step father you could possibly imagine. He is only 12 years older than his oldest step-son and they get on very well indeed. He didn't try to be a replacement father to the two older boys, more of a very loving big brother.
When I go out to visit, he will give me a big hug - he is 6' 5", about a foot taller than me, so I will be hugging his chest!

I am very lucky as I get on very well with my DIL and consider her a second daughter. However, because her mother is so ineffectual and lazy more is expected of me. I live on the South Coast, as do the in laws, and my son and family in London so I go up on the train to visit and help with the babies fairly often. I make my own way to their front door if necessary, go into town on my own on bus and train etc etc. I also do a LOT when visiting. Meanwhile her mother is a real princess has to be driven everywhere - will not use bus/train/donkey - she does the cooking only - no ironing,washing,taking toddler to park. As I do it, it is expected of me. I've just returned after two and a half weeks to help with a new baby and I'm exhausted. By the way at 67 I still work 2 days a week - princess retired at 51.

Dorsetpennt where I come from, it's not "princess", it's "Lady Muck!"

My avowed plan was to try very hard to love whoever my DS fell in love with and married based on the theory that we both loved the same man! Well I have been hugely lucky in that his darling wife has always been so kind and welcoming and affectionate and has shared her beautiful children with us and I actually get on better with her than my DD! I just love her to bits!

Wouldn't it be nice if people would believe that when all your family and friends dislike your partner and think he/she is wrong for you, they are almost certainly right!
I had to bite my lip for seven years until one of my DDs got rid of an older man who was sponging on her - any hint of criticism made her fiercely protective of him. Now she is in my position - one of her girls has gone back to a former boy friend who consistently humiliates her and treats her with no respect at all. We are all hoping that she will see through him soon, but we are trying not to point out his many defects.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grannyjojo a member of my family has been in this very situation, and I'll describe how they have dealt with it, which has worked well. The in-laws supported their son quietly and avoided confrontations with the DIL. They continued to do the same things you have described, such as cleaning up dirty highchairs, ensuring the children had a clean change of clothes, and having the family round for good, nourishing meals when they could. DIL would sit reading in a corner, ignoring her children and family some of the time, shouting at the children at other times, but they didn't challenge her because she is quite a disturbed young woman who can get nasty and they didn't want to rock the boat for their son. In time, the son came to realise that this marriage had irretrievably broken down and he made arrangements to move to another home, which his children live in for part of the week. They now share the parenting and so far it has worked well for the children - it is early days, but the family are all much happier now. The son stayed longer in this unhappy marriage because he feared that she would withhold access to the children if he left, but this hasn't happened. She knows he copes better with the children than he does, and she likes her freedom.

Your son has good family support and his sister to confide in. If he is committed to the marriage, he needs that support to keep trying, but it might help for him to receive clear messages that you will all help him if he decides to leave, and for him to know he will have a home whilst he finds a place for himself and his children to stay when they are with him. You are acting out of fear because the threat of loss of contact with your grandson is unthinkable. That happened to me and my own son earlier this year and it was a very dark time for us. We fought in all sorts of ways to get contact back and for a couple of months we have now been seeing him regularly. Usually, bargaining with what we can offer in terms of financial help and practical support has swung it back in favour of us being able to see my grandson. I hope you are all able to find some resolution to this all too common situation. If only your DIL could accept your family's offer of a warm, loving relationship that includes her, but sadly some people really struggle to access what is on offer to them, and have just never learned how to have loving attachments to people they could trust. Best wishes x

Grannyjojo I feel for you, as a grandparent it is very difficult to get it right all the time. What we consider normal and acceptable is not always the case with the younger generation. Had this happened to me I would have bought the coat and dressed the child and then told the mother " I wanted to take him out and didn't want him to catch a chill " I hate this walking on eggshells in case we spoil our chances of seeing our DGC but sometimes we have to dance to their tune.
I hope it helps thta you have friends here to talk to.

I agree, harri. I have learned through other family situations that when you are dealing with difficult people, it's usually best not to ask for permission to do ordinary things, but just go ahead and do what you think is right at the time. If the child needed a coat and you were able to supply one, that's good. Just do it. Do you really need permission to 'treat' your grandchild to a warm jacket? It could be that the mere contact of a text that she doesn't want is what set off the vitriol.

Bagitha you've just unlocked something for me with your post! I am forever treading on eggshells for fear of reprisals from my difficult ex-DIL and now I come to think about it, on the occasions that I've gone ahead and risked incurring her wrath, it hasn't been as bad as I expected. Probably just good luck, because sometimes she lets fly when we don't think anything has been done to upset her. However, note to self, I must do more of this - thanks x

I placed my first message today after a sleepless night then worried that we might be identifiable so asked that the message be withdrawn. Full marks to gransnet who did that so promptly. I shall edit more carefully in future. But in the meantime these wonderfully insightful messages have appeared in response. I cannot tell you how helpful it is to have another's perspective. Thank you Carol, Harrigran and Bagitha.

Glad my comment was helpful, carol. I learned the hard way .

I have expressed before the feeling of sadness that I have when dealing with my daughter in law. She is always polite and we get a lot of access to the children. This is of course because babysitting is needed because of work commitments. She seems however to have no warmth in regard to my husband and I and will never enquire about anything on a personal level, such as asking how we are healthwise. At first I thought it was a cultural difference as she is from the South of England and has had to adapt to living in the north. If her family visit we are never invited and seems reluctant to have us as part of her world. We have a good relationship with our son and I know he would be hurt if I expressed my feelings. However I do feel used at times as we do a lot to assist them but in return are never invited over for a meal or just for a social visit. I do not want the bitterness to grow but just wondered if anyone has any tips for coping with this.

Sometimes you get an opportunity to become closer when more support is needed in emergencies or when addition practical help is needed, but don't feel you have to keep offering warmth and kindness beyond what you already offer - if she is the type who doesn't have the emotional intelligence to access what is on offer, there's not much chance of her changing. Just keep doing what you are doing and continue to be loving and warm with the family. I had the same experience with my ex-DIL who was always highly critical of my son, and callous towards him, my grandchild and the step-grandchildren. In the end, after years of agonising over things, my son could not take any more of her abuse and left. Her punishment was to deny access between father and son, and for several weeks between me and grandchild. That's just starting to improve but she is still exacting revenge whenever she perceives some small sleight. Your son won't have missed what is happening - he comes from a warm, loving family so is bound to notice her coolness towards you. It may be that it's easier to put up with her than challenge her behaviour and have a cold atmosphere at home. I found I had to brace myself to deal with my ex-DIL, and just accept that's how she was. It was a price to pay for the priviliege of being with my son and grandchild. I did notice that, as her children grew older, they did the challenging and were a lot less subtle than I would have been.

Thank you Carol. That has been really helpful. I just needed something to help me contain my feelings and not damage what relationship we have. It is so hard to get close to my daughter in law and we would love her to really feel part of our family. I guess in the end it is this north/south divide. I just feel that she has a down on the north and one day they will want to return to the south. Like you say I am sure my son picks up on what I feel but remains loyal to her.

Pedant alert!

Should it not be Daughters-in-Law in the title of the thread?

I am not so sure that it is always the North/South divide. I am from the South and had an excellent relationship with my Fife in-laws. All three of my Scottish-reared children have chosen partners from the deep South, all of whom have become part of our family. It is more likely a personality thing, or a result of the family atmosphere and expectations that they come from.

Yes, I agree G23, though I think I've seen something similar somewhere in Jane Austen.

Granny23 yes! Like "spoonsful" etc.

I think it perhaps should be 'daughters-in-law'. There again, the local dialect here in Fife would be 'guid-daughter' (good-daughter)....perhaps that might not be the right description for some, though !