Cut out of their lives

An intermediary has said that, it appears that I 'overstepped the mark' last week. It only reinforces the fact that I've felt like some sort of unpaid servant over the past few years and have behaved in a way which meant I 'didn't know my place'. I wish I could stop thinking about all the things I've done to help, losing out on overtime that I could have got at work and cheap holidays I could have had in term time. And have never imposed myself on them in any way once the childcare is finished. If I'd done less to help I wouldn't be in this situation now.

Crimson - how hurtful for you - and why does it all have to be broadcast to others instead of talking it through with each other. I think it is one of the saddest facts of life that the people we most care about, hurt us the most simply because they can. You've done the best you possibly could and when the dust settles, everything you've done, and the person you are, will be missed/recognised, and hopefully the realisation on their part will turn things around.

We too heard all sorts from intermediaries but that can be quite tricky because they are not us, and they interpret things, before, like Chinese whispers, passing it on, and no doubt do the same thing back to source. Dangerous.

Try your best to enjoy your new-found freedom while it lasts and hopefully that won't be too long.

Crimson, they don't deserve a gran like you. I hope you really mean what you say about putting yourself first.

Thanks. You're all so kind. As Nanban says at the start of this thread, it's the waking up in the morning bit that hurts, where, as you slowly wake up a feeling of sadness grows inside you so, by the time you're fully awake it, engulfs you. This will all settle down eventually, but I have learned from it. I think .

crimson one of the things some people do not understand is that 'overstepping the mark' is something we all do, often. It's overlooked unless it becomes a regular occurrence, in which case something can be said to nip it in the bud and resume normal relationships. Sadly, some people jump on one minor misdemeanor and blow it out of all proportion. Some people can be so insecure that they cannot overlook an issue but have to go at it for their own reasons, which may have nothing to do with the poor person who has stepped out of line.

You have been invaluable to your family and their reliance on your support has placed you in a position you may not have chosen, but because you have had responsibilities increasingly imposed on you, you have probably said or done something in keeping with that imposed position and all of a sudden it's probably dawned on one of them that they have been rather lax. Rationalising it as something you have done is unfair. Perhaps an olive branch will allow them to save face and normal relationships can be resumed on a fairer footing? (flowers)

Dear crimson as you can see, you have the well-deserved support of a host of sympathetic GN's. I know how you feel on waking up each morning and having to deal with yet another day of sadness. Try to remember, that nothing in life is constant or permanent...everything changes and your pain will pass.

anagram I know its a wee bit lae in the thread but your words of wisdom has hit the mark,maybe I am seeing things which may not be there,and maybe my DCs are more out going and tactile than my DS1s partner,it's just a feeling I have got and can't seem to shake off but I will let sleeping dogs lie.

Glamma
crimson words of wisdom yet again from soop, things do change with time, so here's hoping things get better soon ((hugs))

ella yes soop does seem to have the calm insight that we all seem to need at sometimes in our lives,I find this girl very hard to get close to and the awful thing is that her mum and I are very good friends and mr.g is being best man to her partner when they get married later in the year,when she used to come and stay with us when we where abroad she arrived on Friday's and returned on Sunday's every other week and stayed for 2 yrs on her annual holidays and from that day to this I have never received a thank you for letting her stay,she has a step sister whose children are all bought for at christmas and easter and birthdays but my DDs children are never bought for not that they go without but a gesture would be nice,and I know DS1 should be involved with treating his DSs children but it is a standing joke within the family that he doesn't even remember his own birthday,but she is in sole charge of the finances and he would have to account for every penny spent I think.I think I will keep my thoughts to myself and see where the relationship goes and hope for the best.

This is a good place to let off steam, glamma. It's a good idea to do that and then calmly try to live with the situation and, as you say, keep your thoughts to yourself - or tell us all about them!

You can tell I'm feeling better as all I've done the past two days is rant !! back to normal now I think

Why not glamma ? I like a good rant, it does you good!

I do try to get on with my life but sometimes despair washes over me of ever seeing my grandson
Like the day when he blanked me at the Scout fair.
Like yesterday–DD,partner and GD(age 11) visiting from Cheshire.
DD texted ex DIL to ask if GS could meet (with them only) for lunch . Stepdad sent a horrible offensive reply to my daughter.She hasn’t shown it to me yet but was deeply upset.
16 mths now since contact was broken. I’ve followed all the advice offered by you lovely GNs. but how can I keep even flimsiest contact when all channels are blocked?
Short time ago I agonised over and sent a placatory email to my ex DIL pleading with her to meet me for coffee/chat to try and open a channel of communication between us. NO RESPONSE at all.Although we live so near I haven’t seen her in all this time.She seems to have become a recluse hiding behind high fence and -- obnoxious-- husband.
Sorry about the wobble!I'm so grateful for Gransnet where I can have a rant and find friends who've been there and understand.

Meanwhile I’m enjoying the sunshine,meeting jeni and planning our cruise.This wkend l’ve loved telling my DD,partner and GD all about it and showing them the travel guides and new clothes I’ve bought.They are very envious.

Love and compassion for all GNs with relationship problems.

I see that Strikethrough doesn't seem to be working either.maybe I had an extra space. try again strikethrough we'll see

Maniac I don't think that particular word needed striking through!

We are only to happy to listen to rants and moans from any of us who need it.
Your holiday sounds wonderful and I'm sure it will do you the world of good.
Jeni will keep you laughing and vodka'd up

I -- resemble-- resent that remark

Strike through is NOT working

CARI JOSIE. GERALDINE

IS THERE ANYONE THERE?

Yes it is, jeni - you did it wrong put a spacce where you shouldn't have!

You can always blame the i-pad, jeni.

Back to OP -snippet from email mentioned in my post yesterday.

'You have a nerve to contact X (exDIL)
The sole contact channel is through Y (DS)to me and no other,so I am telling you now!........don't text or email X or Z (GS) again!

There is more and nastier but I just want to ask when and others with
knowledge in this area can a stepdad legally do this

Hi Maniac. I don't know whether his rudeness can be backed up with legal talk. Stepdad seems to be taking some sort of responsibility for having a go at you. I don't know the dynamics of this family, but is there any issue about his control in this relationship?

I used to get nasty, abusive texts from ex-DIL and they all seemed to be her way of firing off some bullets to see how many people she could hurt. Nothing to do with what anyone might have done themselves - she just felt like it. She certainly threatened a lot that, in the end, didn't come to fruition. She emailed me within a week of the separation, telling me that her way was to jettison previous in-laws and have nothing more to do with them, and that's what she expected to happen in my case (conveniently forgetting I have a grandson!) I didn't rise to it, and waited patiently for the court to sort out what would happen, and they did. I now see grandson, as you know.

If there is a formal court order stating what contact channels should be, that is one thing, but if you are just a loving grandmother trying to keep in touch with your grandson, and no court has made a restraining order, or specific contact arrangement, then I wonder what stepdad is up to? Is he just trying to wipe you from the family and put fresh faces in place? Grandchildren have the right to know their place in their family, and these things can be managed when the children are put first. I hope this can be resolved for you Maniac. What a rotten time you've been having with your attempts to see your grandson

jeni...it's the heat that makes the brain go soft...

It's not hot, barely warm!

Just checked 20 outside!