Cut out of their lives

Thans nonu..I do believe in angels; when; I'm hoping the time is right . I'm not religious but I may go to Lindisfarne and call on powers greater even than gransnet....[God'll be saying 'she doesn't call me for ages, only when she wants something' ]....

There are so many of us sharing this pain and every time someone has a little success it encourages the rest of us. Good luck, Crimson, I hope you can enjoy your break.
I think only one person (no longer with us, I hope) suggested that we deserved such cruel treatment from our children, but I know some others believe that we may have contributed to the situation by the way we have brought up our children. I know full well that I have been far too soft with my daughter throughout her life, protecting her from the consequences of her actions so she has never needed to take responsibility for herself. Perhaps a few sharp words when she was a toddler might have stopped her constant whingeing, instead of my untiring patience and reassurance. Of course I thought I was just being a loving mother and my mother and sister thought I was saintly because I never lost my temper, but I think the righteous indignation which we have spoken of on another thread might have been more helpful to my daughter. I accepted the unacceptable. Mea culpa.

I agree Greatnan; I used to hear other mothers when mine were little saying 'oh, just get on with it' when I was fretting and fussing, and recently it has occurred to me that they probably still see their children because the expectation from them isn't so great. Along with the ones who, when their children have children, point out that they're not to expect child minding duties from them as they have a life of their own to lead. That's not, obviously, saying that anyone who loses contact with their children is at fault in any way, just that families are very complicated relationships and mother daughter relationships are probably the most complicated of all, especially when the role morphs into a different one. We can't always see the role changing either, until it's too late.

...but, by far the most difficult situation seems to be where a mother loses contact with her son because of his wife; with that there seem to be few, if any lines of communication and nothing to rebuild a relationship on. Terrible for all concerned.

I wonder why it is worse with sons?

But Crimson he won"t mind he will still want to help u and try and lift your burden [smile smile]

A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son till he takes a wife; it's so true unless it's a son who's obsessed with his mum, and none of us want that sort of son do we I guess. Thanks, Nonu; he's very non judgemental and doesn't seem to mind when I ask him for favours sometimes . I've promised to do a pilgrimage one day, knees willing [I'm serious; Santiago de Compostella..it's on my tick list, but perhaps not the whole pilgrimage, just the last few miles]. Wanted to do it for years ever since I saw a programme about it.

I haven't seen my son for years. He phones occasionally but that's it!

Jeni - if your son's lack of contact is not of your chosing; if the lack of contact is sad and hurtful, please somehow tell him so; life is too short and you may both be missing out on a lovely relationship.

We manage? But thanks. If I needed him I'm sure he'd come!

He is bipolar! He was supposed to come for the family party for my birthday last year, but he was having a major down so didn't!
It's ok really. I don't worry over it as I've my bossy dd and gorgeous dgd to see here!
And don't forget the work and cruises
And old git next door!

Oh! And of course all you lovely people!
I'm very blessed!

I'm sure he would, jeni. I think some children just grow up and become distant - maybe it's in their nature, or physical distance plays a part, but in most cases it doesn't mean the love isn't there.

Those two posts weren't there when I posted!

I consider myself very lucky in that my son and I get on really well.When he was young he would love to come shopping with me and we would always have fun.
My daughter hates shopping!

Now he is married to a lovely young woman, who is actually quite like me in many ways, and she and I get on really well too!
They live 5 minutes away, and he rings for a chat almost every evening on his way home from the office.

I am not in any way a clingy mum, he just says he likes chatting with me!
I count him as one of my many blessings

Hello All, having sent some parcels off to where we thought he and the grandchildren might be now, we just found that the address someone found for my son, is wrong and he isn't there. They did it for the best and thought it right. The little things we sent for the children haven't been returned but who knows what happened to them. It was lovely thinking we may have made contact but sadly not.

nanban {{hug}}

I am lucky in that I haven't lost contact with very young grandchildren - just a gs of 28 and a gd of 16, who are probably afraid to upset their mother as they still live at home. It was brave of the 21- year old gs to come round to see me, his aunt and his cousins when we were staying in the same village.

The worrying thing for me is that I am thinking of her less and less - it is as though I have grown a scab over the wound and I am not going to pick it.
I will always remain available if she wants me, but I have given up trying to make contact. My sister says she feels the same about her son, who cut off all contact without explanation (yes, the DIL was always hostile and they didn't invite any of the family to their wedding). I am not going to keep banging my head against a brick wall. I have so many lovely things in my life, like jeni - my other daughter and her husband and eight out of my ten gc, my four gorgeous little great-grand-daughters, my sister and her sons, the beautiful French countryside, my health, my travelling, reading, walking, swimming and, of course, my wonderful friends. There are so many people so much worse off than I am.
I feel so much for those of you who are denied contact with your young gc and fear they will forget you or think you do not care about them. We can only hope that when they are older they will find out the truth and come and find you.

I envy you that scab so don't knock it. I would like to pin my youngest to a wall and demand he make babies to heal us all a little but, of course, that's not gonna happen!

I think I've grown the same scab with my son!
It doesn't bother me.
I think I've walled that part off in my mind!

I can't help worrying about my daughter as she is obviously very unhappy and disturbed, and also the effect all this is having on her children.

No children in this case, otherwise I might feel differently .

Hearing about 'scabs and walls' makes me realise that is probably just what our son is doing except we are the ones scabbed and walled over. I wonder if the 'children' on the other side of are as unhappy as we are.

Hi all of you, I know it's been a while since I posted- but just to update you all. the special Guardianship order was granted Yesterday, and our darling GD came into our care at 5.00pm last evening. It has been a long hard road, and without the support of gransetters, and christian friends I do not think I would have got through, at times, but if there is one thing that i have realised. we can never give up at all. so I encourage you, never ever give up.

chadsky that is wonderful news,and I'm sure you are feeling a tremendous range of emotions now.
Best wishes for the future