Cut out of their lives

Nanban - it is so hard to get through each day but you must always have hope for the future. My in laws didn't speak to us for years and yes I would believe all the lies etc. because we had it all but now suddenly MIL wants to speak to my husband - I've written letters to her but she now can't see so actually wants to speak to her son. We haven't really decided what to do yet as hubby's health is very poor and not sure he could cope with any more upset but what I am tying to say is that things can turn around and there is always hope.

Did you like her when you first met her? Have you ever got on well? Can you trace it back to when it started?

I'm sorry. You do have my sympathy. But if we could help get it sorted, that would be much more.

Oh damn, I wrote a message for you Jangly and have lost it! Try again - Yes I liked her - she was tricky but funny and they were obviously very happy. They split 3 times, once very acrimoniously, and after they got back together there was a spell when I had long emails from her about his lack of commitment etc [she is also older than he] So, one day he and I sat and had a long talk along the lines of if you love her, commit and if you don't let her go, don't mess about because she had two failed longish relationships behind her already. Then the engagement when we were so really pleased. Then a switch went off somewhere and her approach to us changed completely. The wedding was very rushed - when our son said he would rather wait - and the year was hell. According to her now, she says I have disliked her from the start and she has a list of my faults and wrongdoings. I have said let's both look for the good and nice things about each other, draw a line on whatever has passed and enjoy the future. No.

Controlling - how? We rarely saw them. Were only once invited to them for lunch. Helped when and with whatever we were asked.

And, on and on and on. Enough now, everyone will be bored and they have all been so nice and supportive in so many different ways. I've promised myself to get through the days and hope that one day he/they will simply arrive and all will be well.

I have had a few private answers from Grans out there and how common it is that the people concerned have an eating disorder! Is it the personality that can exert such iron control over her body as well as the ability to keep it secret and unacknowledged that make such people look for hidden motives and agendas in others?

"one day he and I sat and had a long talk along the lines of if you love her, commit and if you don't let her go".

This talk was with your adult son.

Did he say "mind your own business"?

I will butt out now. I hope things get better for you. Enjoy the grandchildren you still see.

Good luck with the horse.

She's obviously someone who is very insecure; do you think she feels that, by having contact with his family she might lose him? Do you feel hurt that you encouraged him to commit to her and this is the result? [silly question; something similar happened to me and, yes I am hurt about it..and angry].

Nanban - I posted a message under 'Difficult DIL's' on the 29th July and having read your messages can identify with your pain. My husband and I think that the problem is probably not so much with the DIL but with a son who has been jealous of his younger sister almost from birth and the DIL has fuelled the jealousy because up until my daughter's wedding almost five years ago we had a pretty good relationship. Something obviously happened at the wedding or he was jealous of the fact that she had her wedding in the Guards Chapel in London with the boys from my SIL's band playing the music and the Chapel choir singing which did, indeed, make it a truly wonderful occasion. They had a civil wedding in an hotel three years previously which was a lovely occasion too- but that was their choice. We did not receive any Christmas card last year, sent them a cheque for the children which was not cashed, I did not receive a mothers day card (although my husband had a fathers day one) and now I get my husband to write all the cards etc. because I am paranoid that anything written by me is torn up. It is my son's birthday on Tuesday and I would dearly love to give the little boy who once would not let me out of his sight and is now a father to two gorgeous children the biggest hug ever.

Just a thought Nanban ...the long talk you had with your son ...maybe he has since told her about it and she resents the fact that with your push, he decided to marry her ...she may have seen that as you controlling ...him not deciding by himself..
keep smiling girl ...what is done is done ...enjoy your horse

Nah, she made a confidant of me as a conduit to him - not that I realised it at the time - and then I became very surplus to requirements.

My horse is lovely - old, cranky, has a definite mind of his own, doesn't mess with what doesn't suit him, loves being made a fuss off - on his own terms - likes most of all eating, tolerates me so long as I toe the line, mischievous as a barrel-load of monkeys, likes a bath - warm water only - ahahaha - terrified of little tiny birds - wonderful.

Just want to join in here.We have 9 grandchildren between us.Four years ago when I was having chemo for breast cancer my stepdaughter came over from canada to visit us.We paid the fares for the two adults[grandson was 18 mnths at the time].We begged them to wait until after my treatment but were accused of favouring my son and daughter so we went along with it.After one day [during which she was very unpleasant] they left to stay with friends and have not communicated with us since.We send money every month[child is on autistic spectrum] presents,emails,letters but not a single response have we had.My husband says he is 'heartsore' and I just dont know what to do.We love the little boy[nearly 6 now] but are not allowed to know anything about him.We are lucky to be close to the others but there is a hole in our family.

How familiar that sounds. All sorts of comforting things to say but the bottom line is that you are powerless to change their attitudes and the more you try the more you hurt yourselves. The lovely thing about the internet is that when he is old enough and able to use it for himself, he is going to seek out these people who have been so kind over the years and how much you will have to say to each other. I so hope he is able. 'Heartsore' is a very good word for it.

It is all so sad.
I would keep memory books or boxes.
I'm sure the grandchildren will seek you out one day. It doesn't make up for the years lost, but you could show them how much you cared.
I think that anyone with parents who control to such an extent that they stop their DCs seeing close blood relatives are not going to have good adult relationships with them.
Now that I am older I am doing my family history and getting back to early 19th century, so I would certainly be seeking out estranged grandparents. Most people have a curiosity to know where they come from. There is also the possibility that they are very like you, rather than their own parents.
I know that it isn't much consolation at the moment.
I firmly believe that what goes around comes around.

Leticia - thank you for all your comments. The most wonderful thing about the internet is that - if only I knew how it worked of course - people can be found and hopefully our GS will do just that. More than anything I want to have my beloved son in our lives again and if that happened, I'm sure all else would come right.

Quite right - such nastiness cannot be limited just to me and living that life cannot make for happiness. Well, that's my story and I'm gonna stick to it.

At least you've got a horse.

I haven't.

Oh dear jangly - we live in the country and there's always someone round and about who wants someone to help out with their horses if you can ride. My dear boy has been a godsend - apart from nearly killing me twice last year that is - and I have to say it's the best diet I've ever been on! In fact if you were near my neighbour has a stunning, sweet, horse that needs a rider! xx

You are very kind. x

Nanban I feel for you. I believe that the gift of empathy is tremendously important, especially where families are concerned. I have an inner radar that picks up on the ebbs and flows, ups and downs, ins and outs of the emotions of members of our family [and friends]. It is possible for someone to say -"Please stay longer - we've plenty to eat - " and the likes, and mean..."I've had a good day - lovely to see you - I'm off for a spot of me-time now..." I instinctively know what the truth of the matter is and act accordingly. Sadly, as you well know, there are the likes of those who cannot put themselves into another's shoes. It's as if they cannot relate to a situation outside of that which they have total control. Your pain doesn't rate with the person who continues to hurt you. I doubt that such disregard for your feelings will ever change. If I were you, I would step back and keep my feelings quietly to myself. I sense that, given time, the present situation will change and you will be rewarded for being patient. Believe in a happy resolution - because you deserve it.

How lovely of you - we have no choice really because we have no idea where they are and no means of contact! We look at every lycra-clad cyclist who passes, just in case it's 'our boy' and just hope that one day there he'll be. Now they are expecting their second baby, maybe he'll think of how pleased we were the first time around and just maybe he'll miss us knowing about this one.

It was a new baby that brought about the reconciliation between my daughter and I, nanban. This was when she became a grandmother herself. A new baby brings a lot of love with him (or her!)

Estrangement from children is deeply painful, especially when there are grandchildren. So sorry for you Nanban. Hold fast to the hope that young people are naturally curious and your grandchildren will be computer literate one day. Leave a trail and they'll find you at some time in the future. Hugs.

Dear ladies - thank you for that. xx

grannyactivist such a sensible and uplifting message.

supernana/Nanban I'm in a similar situation myself - I have a four year old granddaughter I've never seen. Too painful to write about.

Dear grannyactivist: Our grandson is 3 and we hear they are expecting a new baby - writing is about the only outlet - I get ready to talk about it but emotion is too much and everyone around and about is just about drowned in tears to the point of exhaustion. If they were dead we would grieve but time would help us, time is now our enemy and with each passing milestone - birthdays, anniversaries, christmas - grief increases and there is no solution. We have tried everything with a capital E and nothing passes my DiL without it being twisted into something unrecognisable. She wants her family and absolutely nothing can be allowed to interfere with that or detract from it for a second.

One foot in front of another .... xx