Cut out of their lives

grannyactivist

I've just read a message about a DiL banging on about how her MiL behaves badly - how different could the world be if we all had a day of changing places. You can't know what it's like to have the flu until you have it - you might think you have it, you might be sympathetic to a point, you might make plans for how brave you will be if you have it, but come the day ....

Nanban - articulate as always...

I've just dipped into some of the other forums and I hear grannies groaning on about too much of this, and too much of that, saying no and meaning no. How I would love the chance to say YES! So, grannies, as parents we had to discipline, control, say no, but you all out there, to hell with no, go on, indulge and give them back at the end of the day. And when you do, do it twice for me. x

Big hugs, nanban!

Dear Nanban
I have just read your post, and felt very moved by it. You expressed yourself so well and with such clarity that it made me think of how you might leave a legacy for your son, if you continue to be estranged.
I know how difficult it is to write into a void, with no answers, no responses.
So may I suggest an idea?
Every month write a letter to your son of your life. Add photos. Put it away and add to it without exception.
Leave it with a solicitor and hope, that when you are long gone he may, one day, be curious enough to read all about you and your life.
I wish you well and my thoughts are with you.

Hello Butternut - a new 'face' - I keep a journal mostly but sometimes it becomes pointless and sad. Why is it do you think we have Mumsent, Gransnet, DiL, MiL but where is the Father in law/Son in Law site?????? Why is it that our sons sacrifice us so easily. What is it that makes men so different? We have been in situations where Mine Own has been considered an honorary woman and has so enjoyed the difference in women-speak he would so much rather be one of the woman gang than one of Man Has Work To Do.

Saw my grandson's updated picture on facebook - he is so like my boys when they were that age. At least we know what he looks like now.

nanban (((((hugs)))))

How's that horse of your's Nan?

More hugs on the way!!!!!

And from me; only just read through these posts and feel your sadness. Keep sharing it with us; it lessens the load a tiny bit. Xxxxxxxxxx

Nanban---so pleased you have photo of your grandson - we have exactly the same , found one on face book , and he is so like his Dad at that age !!! I have displayed it with other family photos so that he is 'part of the family' , sometimes I am ok when I dust it sometimes I shed a few tears , but wouldn't be without it . Keep going , stay strong -- one day we may be lucky!!

You needn't have crossed that out riclorian. It may probably herlp Nanban in some way to know she is not alone.

Hug to you too, if you'll have one.

Nanban - lovely for you to see your little grandson's photo. It'll be hurting an awful lot just now, but in time, things will work out. He doesn't know you yet, but he will. Be kind to yourself.

So pleased for you Nanban ...hug

It's so absolutely lovely to hear from you all - Jangly - my GS pic was of him on a playhorse!!!! If only, he could be on the real thing. Himself asked me to put it on his computer so that he can see it every day. No, I couldn't bear it. I sent it off to No.2 son - makes him cry.

Anycase, just been off to see 'One Day' - very sweet film.

Dear ladies, thank you all for being the people you are. xxxx

Glad you enjoyed your film Nan. x

Keep on seeking out and printing out the photos, Nanban, and keep them safe. If the rift remains long term, one day, when he is older, he will see that you always had him in your heart, and any lies that have been told about why you are not in his life, will fade away into irrelevance.

I too am facing a family rift with my eldest son. It into the fourth week now, and I have no idea how to mend it. I did nothing wrong, but somehow I was misread, misunderstood, or something. The only thing I can do for the moment is get my other son to keep an eye on him and make sure he is OK. It is much easier for me - there are no grandchildren yet.

When this all began I thought on a daily basis, then expected weekends would be make-up time, every phone call would be 'the one', then every email, then every text. But like topsy it just grew and got worse and everything we said and did, even the most loving things, were twisted all out of recognition. Everyone had a suggestion, friends tried reason and ended up out in the cold too, we did everything. Would do anything. I wish now he could see all the gransnet messages - why not show your boy if all else fails, so that he gets some understanding of the impact and awfulness of the road you are setting out on. Life really is too short and precious for wasting each other pointlessly. I so hope you get to understand each other.

Nanban you said: everything we said and did, even the most loving things, were twisted all out of recognition

This is what makes me stay quiet and hope for something to change. I'm sure that anything I say or do right now will make it worse.

The thing is, I'm from Yorkshire, where the prevailing culture is straight talking and dark humour. But I forget, my sons are Australian, which is a far more indirect culture. For instance, you can't talk about anything deep at work - the locals just don't like it. Sport and the weather are OK, but they won't come into political discussions, or religion, or anything controversial. Perhaps I'm just too - Yorkshire.

So I think I probably said the wrong thing. But how can you be something you're not? I think my other son will help - eventually.

I can't read through all the post..I have looked at the post and thought this is going to sad to read.......I would just like to get hold of all the people that are hurting others and give them a B***Y good shake...I would like (well no I wouldnt) but I wish that something would happen to make them just think that OH my god how could I do that!!! to my parents.grandparents/aunties uncles.sisters etc etc .the list goes.on....it is so shocking and upsetting..why oh why cant they see..before its too late...I am not religeous but I will pray in my own way and send posotive thoughts to you all..that are having such a horrible and sad time not seeing your granchidren..though one thing or another...to be honest I think one of the big reasons is that there are such a lot of "controlling people" out there...on both sides female and male........I just hope that they one day wake up and think!!! take care to you all...
I hope one day very soon things will loo brighter for you all....

I do so wish that there had been Gransnet when the difficulties that I was having with my daughter were going on. It took 7 years for them eventually to 'sort of' resolve them, and even now those intervening 7 years aren't spoken of. I would be afraid to refer to them in case it started it all off again. I worried constantly about her and couldn't understand how she could be as she was with me - totally dismissing my existence, really. The utter despair of no contact is indescribable, and only those of us who have gone through it would understand. Even now, I'm very, very careful how I approach things with her. At the end of any meeting we hug and say, "Love you". It may just be a mutter, but it's there, and purely golden to me.

I have a friend who was completely estranged from her son and granchildren for 10 years and I never, ever appreciated what agony she was going through. When it started I never thought it would go beyond the next phone call,weekend, or the next month and now it's been 3 years. I still hope that the next knock on the door will be him. the door bell rings as we speak ....

Nope, just a neighbour who has just had her son and grandchildren visiting for the week and full of complaints about having to cook for them! Hmm. It has to be one of the truest things that we don't appreciate our lives until they change!