Cut out of their lives

Aww nan, it is very true.

I have a relative who did not speak to his mother for more than 20 years, she did not see the children grow up and none of the family visited or exchanged cards or letters. When she died in her late 90s he did not acknowledge her death or go to the funeral. I can't even begin to imagine what could have gone on to cause such a rift but two children went without a grandmother as a result.

We had no boiling point - our DiL was delightful literally until the engagement and then she just hit us with the full force of her personality which was completely different to the one we thought we knew. We thought it the stress of the wedding, then the stress of being pregnant but no. She would visit and be fine but then we would get a phone call from our son once they were home with a problem of something we had said, or not done, or done, or not said. I've tried to explain her - if I met her in the street and said Hello, how are you - she would whip around with 'what's it to you how I am' and she could progress to 'I expect you hoped I was ill' - get the gist and the next person she might meet she would say, 'well, I've just seen J and she said she hoped I was dead' - and that is how it works. We could not possibly imagine such a personality, let alone coming into our lives. We can't do or say anything that will not come back and bite us no matter how careful we are. Hey ho. Please let it not be 20 years. I fear that if Himself were ill or died I wouldn't be able to forgive.

Nanban I was merely telling my tale I hope I did not upset you. I fear your DIL may have mental health issues or some kind of personality order to treat you in such a manner.

Personality disorder I should have said

Absolutely not, it is hearing your tales that is a solace and help. Until gransnet we felt we were the only people going through this and were loaded with the guilt and sorrow of it all. So many of us are being so hurt - it feels like we should have some sort of 'reunion conference thing' [oh dear forgotten the word] where we all get together - when I say all, I mean to include us and 'them'.

And of course when you have a personality such as my DiL it is unreal to recognise a 'personality disorder' and so you don't voice that it sounds too outrageous. Again, responses from gransnet said that from the get go and it was such a relief to hear that from others.

But, of course, you are all only hearing my side of it all and that is unfair to her. Hey ho, my back aches from all the backwards bending so I'll settle for all your lovely support. xx

Nanban,Purdy and other cut-off grandmas .
I'm new to this site - been on holiday so missed your earlier posts.
I also am a sad granny.Since Feb my ex-DIL has blocked all communication between my GS (age 12)and all members of our family.Her anger is mainly directed at my son who is deeply distressed and at times suicidal. She has a new partner and 2 younger children but has often been stroppy about contact.
They live only one mile away which makes it more painful that my GS can no longer visit me As a baby I picked him up from nursery when DIL went back to work and often looked after him.Since the divorce I have spent many happy times with him and felt we had a good relationship.But his mum seems to have alienated him from all our family.
On my 80th birthday in March I had no word from him.We all sent him cards on his birthday last month but no response.Did he even get them?
I find it hard to talk about to friends.about this and find myself avoiding the subject.
Thankfully through this site I have contacted a grandparents support gp in
Bristol and hope to attend the next meeting.
Jane who set up this group has been separated fom her grandchildren since 2007 tells us there are over a million children in UK who are prevented from contact with grandparents.!!

I send love and hugs to all unhappy grandmas

That is really tough Maniac. I hope the support group proves useful. I find it hard enough having mine on the other side of the planet.
Maybe this is a good subject - the perfect subject - for a gransnet campaign? What do others think - a campaign for the rights of children to have contact with their grandparents ?

I agree Jess, Gransnet would be the perfect place to start a campaign. Here is a link for the Family Law in Australia talking about what they are doing now for grandparent's denied contact with their grandchildren. www.streeterlaw.com.au/_webapp_810632/Grandparents_Rights_to_Grandchildren

I mentioned earlier how about some legislation but it didn't go down well. However, for those of us who have tried absolutely every other way, it would be a starting point for conversation at the very least - how can you get past absolute silence and absence - we don't even know now where our son and grandson are - some legislation would ensure they would have to stay in touch. Plus of course the grandchildren lose us through no choice of their own and it would maybe help keep communication going so that when they decide for themselves we can be found, they will know of us, and they will know how to find us.

Maniac - I've come to the conclusion that my DiL has done all she has to ensure that no time is wasted on my son's family that can be spent with hers. She sees it as a means to an end and choses not to value us.

Thankyou JessM and Faye
I so agree that Gransnet would be a good place to have a campaign
for Grandchildren's Rights.
I'm sure that Jane Jackson whose website is 'bristolgrandparentssupportgroup.co.uk' will know all that is happening in this area.
All your support is needed for the 1 MILLION children in UK who are denied contact with their grandparents.

Love

Your " poem " sums up exactly the feelings I live with too. It is so terribly sad, isn't it ?

Hello Persephone - you are new I think. I am so sorry to hear that you have troubles too. We have decided to stop waiting and to go to the family court to try and at least see our grandson. Trouble is, we have no idea of where our son is and we firstly have to find him before we can apply. Then mediation - which for us would be wonderful, to see them and to sit and talk - and if that fails we would go to court to get some formal visitation with luck. And open the door on communication at the very least - if we get visitation they will talk to us and no matter what, just to see my son would be so lovely whatever the circumstances.

Have you been on the bristol grandparents support site? It seemed like a site specially written for and about us. Have a look see. Every good wish xx

Just an update - spent all day on the computer trying to find where my son is now living - contributing to websites who assured me everyone could be found - and no, they couldn't. But, we got in touch with a mediation service and they have offered to telephone if we can supply a number - we have a mobile number and have never had a response but will still try. We have nothing to lose - and then if all else fails we have determined that we will go to where we think they might be - London - and drive around and around until we spot his car - and failing that we may just go sit in where we think he works until he appears. Or, not. Anyone out there with any advice on how to find someone who doesn't want to be found? Should we even try?

Yes, you must try, of course. I would definitely try. But does he know that your'e actually looking for him, Nanban? Has he perhaps got a new mobile - is that why you're not getting an answer from his phone?

No, he has the same mobile because his daily, dated, voice message is active - it's just that once he knows it's us, he doesn't respond - I should say, us, his brother, anyone else he suspects is 'on our side' and so on. Sadly, I sometimes ring just to hear his voice - sad or what!

I read on Facebook that my second grandchild may be being born just now - when you think things are too hard to bear, something else comes along and adds to the list.

xxxx I can't imagine how you must be feeling really, but my heart goes out to you.

Nanban thinking of you

My heart goes out to you lovely ladies who are feeling so sad and missing children and grandchildren. My mother-in-law was so unkind to me, constantly telling me my husband had other women (he didn't) and wanting to destroy our marriage. Yet we still kept in touch with her and felt it only fair she should have a relationship with our children.

It isn't just the grandparents who miss out, but also the children Whatever my MIL thought of me, she did love them and I hope they benefitted from a relationship that I would rather have ended.

I can't understand how anyone can hurt another person so cruelly as those I have read about here.

If what is happening to me was happening to, say, a friend - I would listen, I would sympathise but most likely find it impossible to feel that she had not contributed to the troubles - but all I can say, and keep saying, is that we/I/his brother have done/said only good things to and for my DiL. Now, of course, I so wish I'd punched her nasty teeth down her nasty throat. I'll be drummed out of gransnet now ......

Oh no you won't, nanban! I would've 'held your coat' while you did it!

Nanban I haven't commented on this before, but have been following this thread and been so impressed by your courage and determination to try and resolve this situation. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything all right again for you, but will just have to send you virtual love and hugs instead.

I was glued to Facebook all day and again already this morning but he stopped sending hours ago so here I came for the comfort you all seem to have in endless supply. I want to be the person I was not this sad, constantly tearful, miserable woman. I want not to care. So thank you dears for mopping me up again.

By the way, I contacted the mediation service and they will try but if son and DiL refuse there is very little, nothing, they can do. So, how about back to the 'holding my coat' offer .....

Nanban - I'm right behind you! (We all are, but I'll hold your coat for you!)