Cut out of their lives

I lost contact with my brother for many years-he married ,divorced, and remarried and divorced and when a relative died I was at a loss to know how to find him. He knew where I lived and I hadn't changed my address of phone number for 30 years. I tried to contact his ex 1 and 2 with no luck and after quite a trail I found a name and phone number in an old book that belonged to the sister of an ex-she had divorced as well but the husband still lived there and had a number for his exmother in law who then passed on messages until my brother eventually contacted me. I have simplified the saga and I realise that this is a very convoluted way of sayingnanban that if you don't know where someone is some one else always does so ask the most unlikely people who used to know your son-school friends workmates etc Just trying to show how the impossible isn't always so impossible

Nanban - one thing occurred to me, though. If I was really not wanting someone to contact me ever again, I would change my mobile number. Then I would inform all of my friends etc of my new number. It's not difficult. So, maybe there's just that wee bit of hope - he's not changed his number. Hang onto that.

Nanban --- I'll hold your coat if you will hold mine !!!

I'll hold both of your coats, then!

Stansgran, Greenmosgiel - we know people who have their address and have asked them to let us know and we got back from one relative - who over the years I have cuddled when in tears, sympathised with, helped said - I'm sorry I can't help you - anycase, this morning I found that they have indeed had a little baby girl. All those people who know them, know us - I so hope one of them will write and tell us but they haven't. Why are people so hard and horrid, I couldn't be like that. Sorry, oh so sorry, but today is tough and we have weekend visitors so happy face firmly in place.

I think the best plan is a march on Chiswick with placards - come on now, we can do it!

You are all superb and my comfort and solace. xxx

I have been so selfish and wound up in my own situation really and Riclorian and all others I am devastated for you and so wish our website could be made much more public so that these people who we have carried in our wombs and hearts and who we love unconditionally could somehow know us for who we are. I would so like to meet you all and make life better. Goddam.

xxx

Nanban you must not think of yourself as selfish at all. I'm sure if we'd formed that impression of you, someone would have made that very clear by now! My heart goes out to you and the others in similar situations. If I haven't said much on the subject it's because my situation is so very different and I'd hate to sound complacent about it. You really do have my support but I feel so helpless! I pray that one day we can read a happy post about the resolution of your difficulties.

You are NOT selfish; Em is right - our friends here would know, because of their innate empathy. We feel helpless, and feel your pain. Not a lot of help, but a lot of support. xxxx

We have a new granddaughter - I saw her picture posted on facebook and twitter.

nanban how sorry I feel for you and your's but looking at the information you have given re telephone no's etc and the posting on facebook and twitter there is the chance that your DS has not closed the door completly if he had I doubt very much that he would have put the information on such social network's knowing that you can access them,so here's praying that common sence will prevail on his part and eventually get in touch with you.

Nanban, that's lovely. If anything, although the contact isn't there yet, at least you've been able to look at this little new life who belongs to your family. It's impossible to understand why people that you have looked on as friends for years are so reluctant to help you, when they see how despairing you are. I experienced exactly the same, though, as you know - neither my son or my other daughter would help when my daughter suddenly cut me out of her life. I honestly couldn't take it in that when they saw how absolutely desperate I was, that they wouldn't do anything to help, apart from the fact that she is quite volatile and likely to tell them 'where to get off', therefore falling out with them indefinitely as well. My own friends were supportive, though weren't able to do anything positive to help. They hadn't experienced anything like it in their lives. When they saw her in town they chatted with her though, and hastened to tell me that she looked well and in good spirits. This helped me so much. I'm so very thankful that things have resolved themselves now, although we don't speak of it. Keep hanging on - this will pass. xx

Everyone - no, not everyone - but mostly people are supportive and caring, but always have one reason or another not to help. I'd like to think that I would dive straight in and do what I could but then again my DiL relishes the pain she is causing, enjoys it, it's what makes her happy so knowing how devastated we are is a gift. The more hurt, the more successful she feels. Outrageous and we would never have thought it possible.

Greenmossgiel I am so glad things have turned around for you and hearing of it, and of others, gives me some hope and a reason to carry on.

That's wonderful to see your new granddaughter on facebook.As others have said this indicates that your son has not completely shut the door.Hang on to that positive thought.I so empathise with your bewilderment,sadness and anger.Try not to let it eat away at you.I send you love and hugs and hopes for some inner peace.
My son is going to court this week to try and get some contact with his son.Two bombshells here. - email from ex-DIL's address (ALLEGEDLY from grandson)saying he doesn't want any contact from me or my family.From the language I doubt that he wrote it.
then yesterday news that ex DIL is 7 months pregnant!! I was speechless.
Could that account for her extreme,bizarre behaviour ? and how will it affect all in the situation

.

nanban so glad you have had the chance to see your new GD and that avenue is still open, as the others say it is a little chink of light, hope it opens wider, thinking of you.

maniac hope all goes well for you this week.

Sadly the court appearance did not go well for my son.Ex DIL did not appear (pleaded pregnancy problems).Her solicitor presented anecdotal evidence -some downright lies.e.g I tried to abduct him and persuade him to come to my house where my son was waiting!Letter from her G.P to CAFCASS saying that our family have mental health problems and my son is possibly bipolar.Could this letter could be unethical as well as being incorrect?
My grandson seems to have been well and truly brainwashed.
My son had no opportunity to refute any of this or asked questions directly.
He is requested to either drop the case now or wait for a mediation session
with CAHMS for him and his son.(separately) this may be in 2/3 months.and they could refuse to appear.If that is not successful he will not be allowed any further contact or action.
ExDil and her partner have got married in last few months after 2 more children and 8 yrs of living together.Is that significant?
All this is so bizarre it would be laughable if it weren't so distressing and sad.

A friend of ours lost contact with his 3 year old son when his ex wife told downright lies in the divorce court, and said the little lad was actually her lover's son. She soon married that lover. All contact was refused then, by the court. Our friend was too devastated to handle it, and legally he could do little, so he remained out of contact for years, until the son grew to adulthood, and got engaged.

While seeking out his birth certificate the son discovered what his real name was, and who his real father was. Meanwhile his mother, our friend's ex wife, decided she didn't like her DIL-to-be (a lovely woman who turned out to be a great Mum), and cut off contact. The lad sought out his father and our friend got this wonderful and unexpected phone call "Are you Mr .......? I think you may be my father".

Our friend now has regular contact with his son and family, and was there for the arrival of his three grandchildren. They live about an hour and a half's drive away, so he sees them all at least once a month. The lad is clearly our friend's real son - they look alike.

I know this is little consolation for the present problems, but sometimes they do work out in the end.

Maniac you would wonder if that doctor could be sued, how unethical. Are they allowed to lie and even if your family had mental health problems would that not be discrimination. Could you at least report the doctor. Letting them lie and call the shots when its your grandson and son who are going to miss out on what is rightly theirs, a father and son relationship.

The family law in Australia has recently changed and there is no custody or ownership of children instead there is shared parenting. Its not very long ago that women were able to nearly automatically get custody of their children. People such as my brother were refused contact to their own child on the whims of the mother.

www.frsa.org.au/site/Shard%20Parenting.php

If I were you I would be contacting my Member of Parliament to complain and to also see if there are any changes to legislation being discussed. It really is not good enough in this day and age when people are denied the right to have a contact with their own children. Maybe this is something that Gransnet could get involved in. It's not that hard to get legislation changed and there are enough grandparents on here to have a loud enough voice!!!

Joan and Faye,
Thank you for your sympathy and support.
I would indeed like to set up a Gransnet campaign on this subject.Where do we start. The Grandparents support gp.emphasise that our concern is for 'Grandchildrens rights'.
I have today made an appointment with my Member of Parliament.( he is Liam Fox! ) but the earliest slot at a nearby surgery is in early January.His secretary was helpful and sympathetic.She said he had recently had another interview on the same subject and she would give me an earlier date if there was a cancellation.

Maniac making an appointment to see your MP is a great start. Also could Gransnet help and get the ball rolling for us. Maybe we could have a live webchat with someone that can answer questions and put us on the right track.

Maniac - I'm just catching up after a week away - outrageous and so unfair to you all. How to help - well, I've been in touch with the Bristol Grandparents Support Group and from that have contacted a mediator who is trying to make some contact with my son. All he needs do is, say no, but we won't give up. I am speechless that your GP could possibly offer an opinion, let alone without your consent or knowledge, and that it was accepted. Your MP should help, and how about enlisting a Human Rights Group to help? Sounds extreme but who knows - and you are in an extreme situation. I wish I could be more helpful.

Well, having posted up a pic of our new granddaughter on his Facebook site, he has now put up a sweet pic of our grandson but at the same time blocked the site now so our only source of info, gone. And for a wee while we convinced ourselves that he was putting new pics on so that we could maybe see. Now it's a case of adding yet more cruelty. All hope gone.

Nanban - what a smack in the face. Please try not to despair, though. Does he know that you use Facebook? There may be other reasons why he's keeping his info private, too. Not everyone thinks that it's ok to put family photos and such stuff on the site.

They have just had a baby girl - we only saw that on Facebook and we didn't think he could know we were looking. Such a small connection, a last tiny window on his and the babies lives, and now that's denied us too. All driven by spite and oh so pointless.

I am SO sorry, Nanban. Can't say or do anything to help but you know our thoughts are with you. Xxx

There's a certain cruelty to Facebook. I understand that often when young couples split up it's difficult to have closure on the relationship because you can see what your ex partner is doing..new relationships etc. My heart goes out to you Nanban.