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I just don't trust her

(33 Posts)
christineH Wed 24-Aug-11 23:06:15

My DIL that is. She and my son split up only about a month ago. He has been suffering from depression and is on some serious medication. Since he's been with us he has got full time work (he had been unemployed for three years) which is doing him so much good and I can see him improving by the day. His wife is 40 and has never worked and has always lived on benefits. Yesterday I received a phone call from her saying that a neighbour had contacted the social services to report that my son had moved back in with her and they immediately stopped her money so she has no money for new school uniforms food etc. I can't believe that SS would stop paying money to a single mum with two children on a phone call from a neighbour without any sort of substantiation. But I am so torn. Only one of the children is my grandchild and I want to help him but I hate the thought that I'm going to be yet another one she sponges from.

This really is driving me nutty - I work still but don't earn much. I just wish she'd TRY!! angry

dorsetpennt Sat 27-Aug-11 10:53:11

ChristineH you haven't said how old the two children are - as long as they aren't really young there is no reason why your DIL couldn't work. However often the benefits she receives are often greater then a wage. Benefits often come with perks like Council Tax benefits, free school meals and free dental treatment for her. It's a really catch 22 situation. The Benefits Agency would have watched her home for some time after a tip off to ensure that she does have someone living with her. They don't just take a neighbour's word for it. I know you're worried about your grandchild but try not to give her any money but if you do insist she declares it to the Agency or you will - they will be interested to know she is getting extra money.

nannym Sat 27-Aug-11 11:41:23

I'm sorry to say that I have a step daughter who sounds exactly like this DIL. My DH is taken in by her every time she rings saying she needs money. She has two children, 11 and 10 and is now on her own again after her second divorce. By the way, neither of the ex-husbands are the father of the children. She recently contacted us to say that she needed to get the oldest child a blazer for her new school, which would cost £40 and the benefits agency wouldn't give her a crisis loan. This time I insisted that DH went with her and bought the blazer because I just know that if he had given her the cash it would have gone on cigarettes and booze. The girl has never worked and knows every scam in the book to get people to pay for things for her. The tragedy is that the two children are now showing signs of becoming just like her, in fact the oldest one said that she wasn't going to get a job when she left school, she could get pregnant like Mum had done (Mum was in fact just 16 when she had the baby) and she'd get a free house and loads of money. I despair! Sorry for diverting from the proper thread, but had to get this off my chest.

Nanban Fri 09-Sep-11 11:50:26

She doesn't ever need to try when she has nice people who help her out. If all the agencies have stopped helping her they must have a reason. She isn't owed, or entitled to - she is a grown up who is responsible for the children she has and until she helps herself a bit at least, she hasn't earnt any help. The old saying cruel to be kind works here.

minniemouse Mon 12-Sep-11 22:35:12

No point in going to SS - there are no longer SS offices - Jobcentreplus is the order of the day, and unless you are jobhunting they don't help. All SS and benefit enquiries have to be done by phone.

Just don't want you to have a wasted journey !

christineH Tue 13-Sep-11 06:49:58

I kept out of it in the end. She now has had her benefits reinstated and my son gave her 150 for their school uniforms. Although I felt guilty I didn't help her out as she appears to have no shame in asking for more and more. J said he feels like her personal ATM machine. Grrr. I have suggested that he gives her X amount per month and NO MORE.

BTW the children are 11 and 8 so certainly old enough for her to be working.

Annobel Tue 13-Sep-11 08:33:14

Although the Child Support Agency rightly has its detractors, I suggest that your DS goes to their web site to find out how much he would have to contribute through them. At least she wouldn't be able to use him as a cash cow whenever she wanted to.

christineH Mon 19-Sep-11 08:45:51

Thank you I will show him that. Good to know if the friendly arrangement stops working.