I think I worry too much about my family, but don't know how to stop.

I am confident that I don't need to worry about my grown up daughters and I'd take exception to any suggestion that I don't care just because I don't worry. I cared for them and educated them and watched them grow up into confident, practical, sensible adults. I still have one at home who has to grow through the teenage years, but I'm not worried about her either and hope I shall never have to. The prognosis is good at the moment (she's intelligent and sensible most of the time) and I'm keeping my fingers crossed carrying on educating her and hoping she'll turn out OK — be able to run her own life.

Most of the time I don't know the details of what my grown up daughters are doing and I don't feel the need to either. They tell me what they want to tell me when they want and I tell them what I want to tell them when I want. I'm never waiting for a call or a text or an email and neither are they. They are like other adult friends — except with the qualifier 'special' inserted before 'friend' — and as with my other friends, I would hate them to take me for granted just as much as I'm sure they'd hate me to take them for granted. I feel sorry for people who don't have this freedom in their relationship with their grown up kids. It must greatly add to life's stresses not to have it.

To put it another way, my view is that my kids don't owe me anything and all I owe them is what I can give them without mucking my own life up. Constant worry about them would muck my life up. How would I feel if they'd been disasters instead of successes? Who knows?

I'm beginning to wonder if this isn't really about parents' confidence in themselves as effective parents as well as their confidence in their children's ability to lead successful lives as independent adults, by which I mean without mum or dad having to step in and help out except in emergencies or drastic life shocks such as happened to GA's daughter. By all means we should continue to relate to our children as much as we and they want and is convenient, but I certainly would be horrified to think that my adult kids needed my help just for getting on with their ordinary lives. That would mean that I had been a failure as a parent. Nightmare thought! All that hard work gone to waste!

Here's an example of what I would call unnecessary worry. I was climbing in North Wales one time with a guy who was twenty-five years old and, at the time, a doctoral student at university. We had made our way part way up a rock face only to find that we couldn't go any further so we back-tracked. He went down first. I waited on a four-inch ledge. I saw him about to put his weight on a pillar of rock that I had noticed was wobbly on the way up, but before I could shout to him not to put his weight on it, he had, and it had toppled, he had fallen, and part of the rock had landed on his ankle and broken it. The rock fall also removed my easy way down. Anyway, to cut the story short, we got help (shouting; no mobiles), he was helicoptered to Bangor hospital and I was helicoptered to where we'd left the car, from whence I drove to Bangor. The ankle needed an op for a pin to be inserted so I decided to ring his parents just to let them know. His mum came haring over to Bangor from Birmingham!!!!! WHAT?! For a broken ankle?!!!!! Ye gods! To be honest, I don't suppose I would have even told my parents until well after the event.

He told her to go home. We continued our holiday with him on crutches. We visited a lot of cafes . My friend emigrated to Canada as soon as he could after completing his doctorate and I think he still has the pin in his ankle.

We're all so very different in many respects, but have lots of things in common, too. I, also, would have gone rushing over to the hospital if my son had had an accident when rock climbing and broken his ankle. He might have needed some practical or emotional support and in my family it is the familiar face of mums, dads, sisters, brothers that we turn to when accidents happen or there is a crisis. But, as I say, we are all different and that's fine.

I'm a fully paid up member of 'Worriers United'. Probably for all the reasons cited above and because I come from a long line of worriers. My Gran ( you know the one born in 1872) was both a worrier and incredibly superstitious:
breaking a mirror meant 7 years bad luck,
never walk under a ladder,
don't trim fingernails on a certain day of the week ( I think it was a Friday) etc.
I've cast off the superstitions, but not the tendency to worry
Girlracer my GD was exactly like yours and it has taken time and patience to win her round. Just carry on with what you are doing it will be fine in the end.
Recently, when I handed her a presie, I said:
'You can give me a hug you know, this is how you do it!'
I showed her and got a very little hug.
Then the breakthrough as I was leaving, she was playing with friends, she left them without any prompting and came to give me a hug.
Needless to say I was thrilled! I'm sure this will happen to you, just wait, my GD is now 10 years old!!!!

carol, my friend was with another adult perfectly capable of offering all the practical support he needed — me. And that's what I did.

Emotional support for a broken ankle?!

Perhaps emotional support for the trauma of falling off a mountain? Maybe that's because a) I wouldn't climb a mountain, and b) if I fell off one I'd think I was gonna die! No probs with you doing what you do, we're all made differently x

PS I drove him back to his parents' house after the holiday and he stayed there for a week, then came back to Oxford on crutches and coped perfectly well with help from his pals. A strong, healthy young man does not need emotional support for a broken ankle.

OK. As you say, we're all different, but the OP of this thread said she wanted to stop worrying.

bagitha, thank you for your enormous contribution to this thread. I was beginning to feel I was abnormal for not being an inveterate worrier. You echo my feelings about it very accurately. You hit the nail nicely when you refer to your daughters as your friends. Once, when my DS1 was still living at home, he said that it was like living with a nice house mate. I took that as the best compliment. Mind you, how many house mates would have ironed his chef's whites? Nowadays he is a brilliant ironer.
The time when I could have turned into a worrier was when his GF became pregnant. I could see that she was not the right one for him, but couldn't do anything about it. I was pleased about becoming a granny and focused on that. As it happened, the relationship soon fell apart, he went to work abroad and I established a great relationship with my GD1, despite her crazy mother and the less said about her the better. Now I have a lovely, sensible and mature almost 20-year-old GD (pic on my profile) who is virtually estranged from her mother but gets on very well with her dad, step-mum and half siblings. She has brought me so much joy and I'm glad I didn't waste time and energy worrying about the situation that gave rise to her.

I think what I'm trying to say in a general way, so nothing personal, is that the young man I described didn't want his mother's attentions. I wouldn't go so far as to say they were an embarassment to him, but certainly they were not wanted or needed. She was able to help him in a practical way when he was at home for a week after the holiday, which is great. So.... what I'm trying to suggest in a general (emphasis: nothing personal) way is that if you consider the person you're worrying about (put yourself in their shoes for a bit) you may find on reflection that they'd rather you didn't worry and that your worrying is of no use to them. So why waste your energy on something unnecessary?

Just saying.

Glad to read your post, annobel, and it's great to hear about your GD1. I think my other post and yours crossed in the ether.

I don't want to say anything provocative, but just assert that families function differently in so many ways. It would be boring if we didn't. My own family would wonder why I or one or other of us didn't show up after an accident involving a broken bone, no matter whether things were ok or not. That's just how we are. I'm not primarily my children's friend - I am their mum first and we have certain expectations of each other and our respective family roles. That's us, and I respect how you and your family and friends function.

JessM fancy coming for a spin! on my "new bike" !

Oh heck! I must say I do very much worry, I have tried and tried not too but you just can'rt flick I light switch, and it is very fruistrating not to be able to get on with our own lives, until yesterday I was looking forward to a lovely family christmas with no "bad apple" in the barrel! but unfortunatley it seems daughter has chosen yet another! "bad apple to replace the other" and no she wasn't going to tell me.. but as a mother..you just know when things are not right. I do sympathise with all your worries, and wish i knew the answer if there is one!

I agree that care/concern is not the same as worry. Worry is when you go over and over things and how they might turn out. What if? And what if then...?
I suppose the crux is that it doesn't help the worried about. It is not a form of helping (such as listening, lending money, doing their cleaning, helping them to budget, going with them to court, minding their offspring etc etc etc)
I'm sure you recognise bagitha though that if teenagers and young adults have a series of crises (or one big one) it can raise maternal anxiety levels and start off a cycle of worrying that is hard to break out of, even if they get their lives on an even keel.

bagitha, perhaps I worded that original post wrongly. I would like to stop worrying and I suppose I would like the reasons for worrying to wane as well. Circumstances vary though, don't they? My son, for example, has needed extreme support from me - both emotional and practical. He has a job in construction which is on/off according to requirements and delivery of materials, etc. This means that some days he doesn't work and doesn't get paid. He cannot 'sign on' because he's in work, which is very poorly paid and is actually under the minimum wage if worked out on an average. He therefore doesn't earn enough to pay his rent, but doesn't wish to go on the dole in order to claim housing benefit, because he knows that this is likely to lead to a downward spiral again. Of course I worry that this will affect him. I have no criticisms of those who deal with things differently, but I've been very much 'comforted' (if that's the right word?) by the postings that show I'm not on my own in feeling the way I do.

biker, sorry to hear about the bad apple. As I've been there, all I can say is, focus on what you can do and stop fretting about what you can't do. If you try to come between your daughter and her new 'friend', you could succeed in losing her and that's not a risk worth taking.

Oh yes, jess, I do understand when one's offspring have had a series of crises, and I did understand that your kids, green, have continuing problems to deal with. Perhaps, as you say, you are worried about the situations they find themselves in, rather than about them? It's a fine distinction but it exists nonetheless. Perhaps in your shoes I would worry too. I do know though that when my mum started worrying about my situation and about me when I decided to leave my first husband, I began to resent her pestering. My aunt, who didn't worry, but offered practical support, got to hear all the news that my mother didn't hear because I couldn't face her negativity. As carol says, we are all different and do things differently. I didn't want to criticise, just to say that worry doesn't help anyone and may even be resented and then that backfires on the worrier who worries more. One of those awful vicious circles in life that are so hard to break out of!

I wish all you worriers all the best and hope with all my heart that your worries lessen as soon as possible. I'm also very glad that I'm not a worrier.

I've only just seen this thread so a bit late with this rather 'inadequate' contributioin. However, would just like to say how good it has been to read these comments. I really was beginning to wonder if I was abnormal because I continue to worry about my children now both in their thirties. Both have had their own, significant, problems to deal with during their adulthood and my husband and I (sound like the Queen!) have always been there to support them and to help in whatever way we could. Lately though relationships with one of them have been strained and I think it's because we have been seen as 'interfering' (never the intention) so I have decided to step right back. At the moment I just feel sad that our relationship appears to have gone pear shaped. And while I have always thought it a good thing that we all live in the same town I am now beginning to wonder if it's time to call in the removal men!

carol, it's one thing rushing to the rescue when they break bones when they are still dependent (been there,done that!), but quite another when they are responsible for themselves. I live too far from both of mine to be much use to them and they both have perfectly competent partners. If they ask for help, of course I will, if I'm fit myself, muck in and do what I can. And I know they would do the same for me.

greenmossgiel You and I sound so alike. I too would fight anyone's battles and am often called by friends of my son and daughter to "help sort things out". I am well known for being the "person you call". I have fought with councils, the law, the nhs etc (all on behalf of someone else). I have been called in the early hours of the morning by daughters friend who (despite being 30 years old) desperately needed someone (me) to go to casualty with her. I know I get "put upon" quite a lot but I will never change so it would be pointless even trying.

My list of people I worry about gets ever longer and longer......

Bunch - hopefully things will get back on an even keel again, as it no doubt will. If we're able to take a step back it's such a good thing for all concerned - unfortunately it's not always possible and we have to just keep an eye from a distance! We'll never 'not care', and they know that, because they know us as well as we know them! All of my family live within a short bus ride, but when my middle 'child' (daughter) fell out with me, she lived just round the corner. It made it really quite hard to see her going up and down the street without looking my way. Sometimes, I felt like you, that if we didn't live so close and I couldn't see her going about, it wouldn't hurt so much to have her actively ignoring me. However, it all sorted itself out in the end, thankfully. Good luck!

gillybob, I think you are just the sort of person I'd like to have as a neighbour! You obviously have the skills and knowledge to be able to give practical help which is different from worrying.

Annobel My daughter jokes that I should give up my day job (I wish)and become a full time "Battler" ! Its funny how easy I find it to fight other peoples battles and not so easy to fight my own.

Greenmossgiel, thanks. And glad to know things are back on track for you and your daughter. That must have been just the most hurtful thing for you to bear when I suspect all you may have been guilty of was loving her too much. If indeed that's possible.....

Bagitha you describe all your children as well-educated, confident, practical and sensible so from what you say I don't know what you would have to worry about if you were a worrier. Sometimes people worry because there really is something to worry about. My daughter had an horrific divorce with stalking and other mad behaviour from her ex and it was scary and horrible for all of us (police coming round all the time and so on) and terrible for the grandchildren. We also had some real health worries with one grandchild with at one time a life threatening disease seeming very possible (turned out okay). You say you think if adult children need help in their adult lives it means the parents have failed! Not sure I go along with this; more to do with the luck of the draw maybe. Finally, I would like to put in a good word for worry (or anxiety). It's an intrinsic part of human nature, a bit like pain, not nice but it's a kind of safety mechanism to be able to anticipate possible danger, assess the situation and take steps to avoid it.

petallus,