I think I worry too much about my family, but don't know how to stop.

I agree with you petallus its so easy to say you don't worry if you don't have a lot to worry about. I have a friend who openly admits that she was born under a lucky star and has very few worries in her life. Some people are very fortunate and just sail along, not care in the world, when others have all the weight of the world on their shoulders through no fault of their own.

gillybob, I agree. I have one particular acquaintance who is very well-off financially. Her daughter is married to a rich man with property here and abroad and her son who has a couple of children, struggles quite a bit financially. When high winds damaged his roof he couldn't afford to have the repairs done so water was getting in. A few months later she was still considering lending him the money to mend it.....One of her main concerns was how best to invest her money so that she received the best interest. It takes all sorts, I suppose!

Annobel oh no I wouldn't do that (been there done that and only brought us both unhappiness)! I will keep mouth shut and maybe things will blow over..hmm?? although I would have liked others opinions.! hmmm may post agian later..thanks..

It is more than likely that my experience in having to leave DS2 in Special Care Baby Unit just after he was born and go home without him put everything else into perspective for the rest of my life.

I think you and I are somewhat alike bagitha I taught my children to be independent, they travelled to school (alone,to another city) from 11 and never returned to the family home after university. I am readily available for babysitting in a crisis but I do not rush to sick adults bedsides. A couple of years ago DS injured his ankle whilst on Mull, he rang to tell me about it but I did not jump in the car and go to him.
I believe in waiting to see if there is anything to worry about rather than fretting just in case.
This does not mean I don't empathise with those who have problems and do worry.

If I was out climbing with someone younger than myself [or older for that matter]and they had an accident my first thought would probably be what could I have done to prevent it happening and I'd still be beating myself around the head years later blaming myself! And, if it was my son I would want to take him home and look after him until he was better[if that's what he wanted also]. If someones' parents didn't go to their 'child' knowing they had been injured I would question how much they care about their offspring. Different if they were married and their husband or wife was in charge of course.

Just catching up with all the discussions after a hectic morning with two 3 year olds charging round my my house, while their mum and her twin sister have been spending time with the two new twin cousins who will be in special care for a few weeks, growing to their expected birth size. I think it depends what life doles out, whether you dash off to help independent adults with broken bones, or worry about things you have no control over. As was said earlier, worry, fear etc are human mechanisms that alert us about potential danger. Some of us worry unnecessarily, others don't notice when children are suffering, and yet others have got the balance right and do just fine. I waver around all of these, and have occasionally gone running when it's not been necessary, other times I've asumed they are coping when they aren't. My 31 year old son, a mental health nurse who does just fine for himself, lives alone on the other side of the county, broke his writing arm and needed to stay over with me for a couple of days while he got accustomed to dealing wth the incapacity, and I'm sure a bit of motherly love was needed as he really hurt himself when he broke it. He found it impossible to wrap the arm in cling film for a shower at first. Within a couple of days he was sorted and back in work, and didn't need me for anything and that was ok with me.

I think we know when to back off and watch from a distance. As biker said, a mother always knows when something isn't right! And yes Carol, it does depend on what life doles out, and it's not always rosy. If one of mine had broken a limb, or was ill in any 'serious' way, I would go to them. I see no reason why not to. I wouldn't be seeing it as interfering, just caring. I would want to see them and though I wouldn't stay if not needed, I think they'd be happy to see me, too.

green

I think I got the wrong end of the stick when I first commented on this thread, and have since been following it with interest.
Just a thought that occurred to me is whether the amount of 'distance' (as in miles) from our children makes a difference in the level of worry that exists? I'm not sure.

Since my sons now both live in different countries to me, I've realised that there's very little I can do when problems arise, which of course they do from time to time. I consider them to be independent adults, as they do me, I hope. I trust their ability to sort themselves out, and we've always been able to have a good old chat about stuff. I offer advice when asked, which is not always taken, and I don't mind about that because it's their life, not mine.

I remember thinking when my sons entered into serious relationships, that I had to let them go and 'give' them to their chosen partners, stand back and cross all fingers! Not easy, but worrying doesn't serve them nor me. They know we will support them if the hits the fan, but until such a time, I'm happy to stand back and enjoy them.

You may be right about that, Butternut. By being distanced from them geographically, it could be easier not to dwell on things the same, perhaps. Also, any problem that they encounter is probably dealt with in whatever way it can be because you, also, are so far away. I am happy to 'give' mine to their chosen partners. Letting go hasn't ever been a problem for me. One of my daughters is happily married and the other one has had a boyfriend for many years, though they don't live together due to the fact that his job is in a different area and she has to live where she does so that she can provide childcare for her grandson and this seems to work really well for them, so that's fine. However, when things get rocky, has has happened for my son (and also my daughter), and when they're close by and you can see their fear and pain, there is no possible alternative but to support accordingly, all the while helping them to make the choices that they need to.

Yes, of course greenmossgiel, when they are close by I can quite understand. If that were the case for me then I would find it very difficult to just stand aside without wanting to lend a helping hand, if very difficult circumstances arose.

In all honesty, I haven't really been tested in this respect, so until I am I can't honestly say how I'd behave.

They are all lucky to have us, are they not?

They certainly are, Butternut! And it's good to talk with such sensible women, too!

I've been thinking quite a bit about this issue and I wonder if you can distinguish between worrying/being anxious and your behaviour as a result of that, eg rushing in to help. I suppose like everyone else I have been in a situation (sick grandchild for instance) where although I am worrying away ten to the dozen on the inside, on the outside I endeavour to look calm and strong and supportive and hold back until asked to do something to help. Not always easy! Incidentally, thinking about some of the examples given above, I wouldn't feel particularly anxious about a broken bone though I would certainly help if asked. On the other hand when my daughter had a positive result for a smear test some years ago (turned out alright) I did feel quite anxious (one of those occasions when I behaved at odds with my feelings, seeming positive and reassuring (I hope, DD can often see right through me as they say)

I've been reading this thread since I got back from another marathon orthodontal trip with DD3 (six hours round trip) and accepting the different points of view with interest. I think some people may have the impression I haven't had anything to worry about. Not true (I'm not going to give hints or go into details on here) but I don't worry needlessly or if there's nothing I can do to change things. Nor do I tell other people things that might worry them needlessly. For instance, when I had a toddler of seventeen months old and was six months pregnant with number two, I fell off my bike and broke my elbow. I can't remember to this day whether I told my mum at all! I lived in Edinburgh and she lived in Lancashire and had plenty to cope with already. My husband took a few days (two, I think) off work to help with nappy changing and everything, then I found I could move my arm enough to do the basics (painfully) though not things like lifting the toddler (she understood that and would come for a cuddle but not ask to be picked up; she could climb into her own buggy by then and I could push it with one hand) and I just got on with it. What was there for anyone to worry about? I was young and healthy, getting appropriate treatment and would soon mend. The baby was fine — well cushioned in amniotic fluid and anyway my elbow had taken the shock — so I didn't worry about her either and neither did my GP or the consultant I saw about my elbow.

Similarly, I know it is not plain sailing for my eldest daughter at the moment. Things are in flux for her though the prospects are not bad. She is not spending her time worrying; she and her partner are making appropriate plans and just taking each day as it comes in the meantime. I call that coping and I'm proud of her and not worried. If she needs my help she'll ask for it and I will gladly give any help I can, as she knows.

Coping is what the mountain rescue service and Bangor hospital were doing when my friend broke his ankle. Three cheers for them but no need for anyone to worry. There was some implication in one post (I've forgotten by whom) that I should have felt guilty about the accident on the mountain. Perhaps it's worth pointing out that he was the experienced (rock) climber (a scout leader and a geologist), though I had walked up plenty of mountains before (and since).

When your brother has nearly died twice — once aged ten and once aged twenty-six — when your sister has nearly starved herself to death and taken several overdoses, and when your dad has survived a brain tumour and all that that entails and then died of lung cancer, a healthy young man's broken bone doesn't seem much more than a graze. He didn't think it was either.

I worry about my family but there needs to be some purpose in the worry.

More to the point, my family who all live in England, refuse to worry me (as I live in France) when there is something that I cannot help at all. They understand, as I do, the futility of worrying unnecessarily and conversely I don't always tell them bits which would worry them but for which they cannot help with anyhow. When things get better they have no hesitation in discussing with me how they managed their crises. Worrying is a very ineffective act.

No; didn't say you were responsible for the accident, said that whenever anything happens in my life I always blame myself and wonder what I could have done to prevent it happening or improve the way I dealt with the situation. I suppose I think of broken ankles in terms of the S.O.'s recent broken ankle which resulted in her being in a hospital for several weeks/possibly months. All situations and circumstances are different and it's not possible to judge anyone on events that you only know the basic facts of. I'm also beginning to realise that my youth is so long ago now I'm forgetting how I felt about a lot of things at the time [especially as I can't remember what I did 5 minutes ago!].

It really is all relative, isn't it bagitha. Not many people get to 'our' age (I say that advisedly ) without having experienced some considerable challenges.

I like your point on 'coping' - which rang bells with me. I've always considered myself a coper, and can see that you are one, too, if that's not being too presumptuous.

crimson, .

butty, thanks!

We all have a story. Some are pretty awful and many are ongoing. And as Butternutcommented, it's all relative. I think the emotional side of things and not the physical are the hardest to deal with. However, we're still here to tell the tale and fight the fight!

My mother has always worried - so now no one tells her anything until after the event. Her saying she can't sleep or eat for worrying has never helped any situation. My daughter is planning to marry a good man after having suffered two bad relationships. We are not telling mother of the plans as she would not only worry but voice all kinds of negatives spoiling the joy and hope. As a young adult I found her worry stultifying and now I am an old adult I am finding it very hard dealing with her phoning me every day and being put out if I don't visit her every day as well. She now has her health to worry about although she is actually very well for her age. Worry seems to be her defining characteristic and all the other aspects of her personality - intelligence, charm, determination - are diminished.

Yes there have been many causes for worry, divorces, ill-health, finances etc. However, I wanted to just post this to highlight how damaging to relationships over worry can be - the opposite effect desired I'm sure. My mother cannot help herself so I grit my teeth and try to reassure and calm her. Younger worriers could seek some help as highlighted in other posts as the constant anxiety harms not only themselves but could negatively affect the very people they are worrying about.

Not sure if I have expressed all that properly. I have made my mother sound like a miserable old so and so and she isn't all the time - just this constant background worry.

grrrranny, You have pretty much described my late mother! She once announced to a group of my colleagues that I was 'the delicate one' of the family. Cringe!

I may have said this before [memory again!] but I said to my kids when they were in their teens that I worried about them and wanted to shut them away in a room full of cotton wool so they would be safe forever, therefore if ever they really wanted to do something and they felt I was trying to prevent them from doing it they were to tell me to ... off. I had to leave home at 17 as, being the much longed for only child I was totally stifled by my parents love. It's so difficult to get the balance right, is it not?

gm - Indeed we are and indeed we do!

When my father was still alive and living alone I used to be amazed at the things he didn't mention. Falling over and being taken to hospital, being hit by an up-and-over metal door and being quite injured and, worst of all, being in a serious road accident which involved ambulances and helicopters etc. He used to mention things casually weeks later. If I'm honest I don't think he was particularly worried about making us anxious; he just wanted to avoid being fussed over. Similarly when my husband had suspected cancer last year the last thing we wanted to do was tell our children because we didn't want a lot of fuss made. We just wanted to get on with it in peace. So I suppose that bears out the point that has been made a few times in this thread that being worried over can be a burden. I've just remembered my grandmother used to worry no end if I was going on a train.