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Not met granddaughter yet

(59 Posts)
jojo Fri 09-Dec-11 06:22:19

Our first grandchild was born 2 days ago & we thought we would meet her yesterday, but son & DIL have indicated they want a week to bond on their own & get into a routine. We are so upset as had rushed around yesterday buying cards,presents, flowers & hubby had made one of his special cottage pies to take round for them. I knew they didn't want lots of visitors straight after the birth but didn't dream this meant grandparents too. I had also saved lots of holiday time at work to help DIL but it doesn't seem I will be needed. (DIL's mum lives a long way away & cannot get to visit often, she has been told to visit after Christmas).
I didn't want to interfere but just pop in for an hour or so now & again to make them a meal, put some washing on or be on hand so DIL could have a relaxing bath or a couple of hours sleep. I don't understand as DIL had included me a lot during pregnancy by inviting me to ante natal classes my son couldn't attend & always encouraging me to feel bump when there was movement.
Also upset as we heard about birth by text rather than a call & also discovered they had announced it on FB many hours before bothering to phone the great grandma & great grandpa who were amongst the last to know!
I am yearning to meet the baby but I'm trying not to be upset & to focus on the wonderful years ahead we will have. Any advice from experienced grannies? (Please go easy on me - first post!)

JessM Fri 09-Dec-11 16:09:29

Yes well quite. But there you go. Neither can I, but ours not to reason why...

HildaW Fri 09-Dec-11 16:45:38

jojo, please dont get upset about this. Everyone has different ways and although your feelings are very strong at the moment dont let them spoil the many many years of wonderfuly happy times you will have.
My own daughter had her second baby a couple of months ago and we got to see her for a half an hour or so because we had been looking after big brother and had taken him back when we had got the 'all clear'. We did not see them again for at least a fortnight but exchanged daily phone calls full of chatter and baby gurglings in the background. I was just happy all sounded well and we took our cue from them.

I am so glad I did because a month or so later she was talking about how she had coped with the first week or so after the birth and said how glad she was that she had been able to settle in quietly with the new baby with just her son and husband around. Her words were along the lines that although all had gone pretty well she had felt a bit like an injured animal (stiches, all and sundry poking around down below etc etc) and withdrawing to the privacy of her own home and just relaxing had been very important to her.

I am sure once things have settled down you will soon get the chance to meet your new granddaughter and also enter into a whole new wonderful relationship with your son and his wife.

silverfoxygran Fri 09-Dec-11 16:55:26

I feel sad for you but it will all come right - it's such a fine line we tread at times. Perhaps she wants to establish breast-feeding and, as most of us know, that's not always easy.

As a new mum I thought I should know it all but I knew NOTHING and felt quite embarrassed by my ignorance.

Much as I think it a bit hard on you not to be allowed a brief visit I can't help wishing I'd had such a considerate MIL as you jojo Your putting them first is sure to win you lots of brownie points in the future.

Why don't you and DH open a bottle of wine and enjoy the flowers yourself - a week will pass soon thanks

harrigran Fri 09-Dec-11 17:14:47

Paternity leave puts a different slant on things. When I had my children DH did not take any time off work, I even had the second one on a saturday so as not to complicate things. My MIL was my angel, if she had not visited every day I would never have managed. A tiny toddler and having a 9 pound baby at home was a lot to cope with at Christmas.

supernana Fri 09-Dec-11 17:18:22

jojoI can well imagine how you're feeling...giddy with excitement and wanting to hold your wee grandchild for the very first time. It's so very difficult to have to stand to one side and wait for an 'invitation' when all you want to do is burst through the door, laden with gifts, and hug the baby. That time will come. You will have the special introduction to the newest member of the family. You will be able to ooh and ahh and smile until your jaws ache. Very soon, the reality of being new parents will prompt such requests as - would you take baby for a walk [we're dog tired] - could you help with this, that and the other [we can't find the time] and you'll enjoy every moment of being the marvellous grandparents you long to be. We've all been there. You and your husband have so much to look forward to. Many congratulations thanks

ninathenana Fri 09-Dec-11 17:28:26

I can understand the feelings on both sides of this story. It's difficult to please everyone in this situation. After waiting all through the PG for the day you meet it's hard to wait still further, but it will be worth the life time of love smile

I didn't see my GS until he was 6wks. As he was born in Germany (SIL in the army). This was the earliest we could arrange the trip. However we had seen him via webcam. Is this possible for you??

I felt really sorry for my brother this year. His son only lives 20miles away. But because his son's mother remarried when sons were 12 and 14, and son only contacts my brother when he wants something, he had to wait 5mths to be intoduced to his GD and then it was in a shopping centre, babys mum didn't come and gave the dad a time limit for how long he could be away !!!!!!

Charlotta Fri 09-Dec-11 17:29:04

Have patience Jojo. Breastfeeding is hard work in the beginning and the new MUMs spend a lot of time half undressed, hair a mess and trying to satisfy a new baby and worrying if everything is going right. My daughter is a midwife and she advises: the first week only new Mum and new Dad and HER mother.

Step back and go when invited and don't take so much stuff. A new born doesn't need presents - open a bank account. There will be days when they are Soooo thankful to have you take baby off their hands for an hour or two.

gracesmum Fri 09-Dec-11 17:40:26

Oh jojo I have just had a similar conversation about my latest GS who was born nearly 4 weeks ago - despite being up there to look after number 1 while DD went into hospital, I came home the next day without getting to see him as daytime visiting was restricted to partners and had to wait for 3 days to be "asked up". Modern parents do make more of a thing about the "bonding" than I think we did, we just got on with it and in the absence of fathers who had gone back to work, we were grateful for what ever help we could get! My darling SIL is quite a hands on dad and had his 2 weeks' paternity leave but at least my offer of help was accepted to get DD through his first day back at work!! I think men can feel very left out if there are too many women around and they don't realise that we will hoover/ cook/ shop / do anything to help, we don't just want to muscle in on baby-cuddling or expect to be entertained! The other Grans make me laugh though, they have years of wisdom!! I think, being serious, that becoming a parent is such a big thing, new parents are very sensitive particularly to their own parents and possibly worried that they might be seen not to be doing things "properly". They also just want to gaze adoringly at their new baby. As for fb - that is their generation isn't it? Makes me mad.
Congratulations on becoming a member of the best club in the world thanks.

Bellesnan Fri 09-Dec-11 17:45:39

Hi Jojo - congrats on the new addition to your family circle. Remember when granddaughter No. 1 was born to my son and d-i-l, were invited to drive to the hospital (3 hours away) to see said newbie as it seemed to be expected. Baby No. 2, three years later, had to wait a week to see us. Son and d-i-l no longer have any contact with us so don't seem them anyway. Got to see my daughter's baby same day, but was upset by the fact that other g'parents were invited before us as I had been keeping house for s-i-l waiting to be stand in birthing partner as he had a nasty bug; fortunately he got over it in time. I did disappear home asap tho after visiting as I wanted them to start the 'family' thing on their own. Did the same after their second baby as I was looking after eldest one while she was in hospital. I think the worst thing must be picture of one's new grandchild being put on Facebook after birth - expect some have had that experience.

If only our kids would realise how important they are to us and their kids as well. Maybe some day in the future they will be in the same situation and will look back and realise how much it hurt and will thinking the same as you. I'm sure once you see new little person all will be forgiven. I have said to my daughter that I enjoy my grandchildren probably more than I did my own - they were just hard work and were with you 24/7!! SO ENJOY!!!!

Stansgran Fri 09-Dec-11 19:04:50

Can't agree more with everything that has been said but I wish these new parents would realise that we are the people who will guard these children with their lives-we are not only the best club but the best army in the world

syberia Sat 10-Dec-11 07:31:48

I can't add anything to what's already been said, but it has made me wonder about when my new (first) GC is born.
You see, she will have two mummies, so I think it less likely that she will need me around!!
I have already said that I would like to be around when she arrives, not in the labour ward you understand, just nearby, but was shot down in flames.
It has been a long journey for them to get to this stage, and I have been included all the way, all the smiles and all the tears.
I try very hard to be a "laidback" mum and Mil and never, ever interfere, always standing back.
And I know they will want bonding time afterwards. We live 120 miles apart, so visits are always of the arranged variety, can't just pop round!!

It's just that this is sooooo exciting!!

Carol Sat 10-Dec-11 08:35:05

syberis my good friend's daughter is one of two mummies and they have included her in everything with their new baby. There's a first time for everyone and your own mum is so important when you're having a baby. You will be needed, believe me! thanks

harrigran Sat 10-Dec-11 09:23:06

syberia a Granny will always be needed whether there are two mummies or two daddies. You say you have been included up to this point so I doubt there is any reason to think you will be excluded after the birth smile

pinkprincess Sat 10-Dec-11 21:28:05

I agree with everyone on here about the paternity leave issue.I gave birth to both my two by ceasarian.With the first I came out of hospital on a Sunday, my DH was back at work the next day.I was longing for help, my mother was at work, MIL would come''to cuddle the baby'' then would leave after an hour.
Second time DH was in merchant navy and did not come back till two months after the birth.Almost the same scenario afterwards regarding help, but MIL would come and take first child out so I could concentrate on new baby.
When I became a grandmother I was made to wait before visiting.It is very frustrating I know but that is what modern parents are like.
You will have years ahead with your grandaughter, and as other posters have said it wont be long before you will get asked to help, when the sleepless nights and constant feeding fling this modern bonding out of the window.

bikergran Sat 10-Dec-11 21:31:56

Having read this thread and many I right in asuming (and only asuming) that with DIL there is a big difference in how things work..
it seems that a lot of the time (not all) that when things happen in a family the DIL has the say and the Son has to go along with it...I myself have 2 daughters one 29 one 36 so I havn't had the experience of "Sons and daughter in laws"... I will no doubt learn at some time I now have a GS , when he was born I saw him 2 hours later!

jojo Sun 11-Dec-11 12:13:11

Thank you all so much for your messages. I have found them incredibly supportive and helpful in putting things in perspective.
I am delighted to say we have now met GD, who is gorgeous of course. I had not thought about the paternity leave aspect. My husband was unable to take any time off work when our sons were born but now my son is able to take 2 weeks leave to help.
We have taken a couple of meals round, which they were very grateful for, and I was also asked to go shopping for some smaller babygros as the ones they had were all too big for a newborn.
We are now going to leave them in peace and wait for the next call! I especially want to be sensitive about this as DIL's own mother will not meet GD for another 2 weeks (she will be staying with us so imagine what we will be talking about!!)

shysal Sun 11-Dec-11 12:18:28

I am delighted for you jojo .thanks

Gally Sun 11-Dec-11 12:20:34

jojo Hurrah, great news - everything comes to she who waits grin

Carol Sun 11-Dec-11 12:41:47

I should jolly well think so, too - I'm very pleased for you x

rosienanna Sun 11-Dec-11 12:43:39

I'm thrilled for you Jojo x i felt so sad at your message ...all anyone wants is to just take a peek..5 minutes would do and quietly tip toe out again...thanks

yogagran Sun 11-Dec-11 13:51:51

jojo I'm really so glad and pleased for you that you have managed a visit, I was watching this thread from the beginning but felt that there was nothing I could add apart from my sympathy and support. Feel really happy for you that you have now been included.
And bikergran you've hit the nail on the head there regarding the difference between DD and DIL. I have one of each and the difference is quite amazing. I feel really included and accepted with my DD but things are definitely different with DIL which surprised me as DS and I were particularly close (note the past tense, as I feel that DIL has pushed DH and myself out, but that's going off at a totally different angle, sorry!)

bikergran Sun 11-Dec-11 16:54:59

oh thats brill news jojo grin enjoy!!
yogagran Yes I understand what you are saying,asI have read other threads and it seems that once "son" has found his beloved then things sometimes start to change as he builds his own life with his partner...
good luck every one and keep smiling (makes them wonder what your up to) grin

Annobel Sun 11-Dec-11 16:58:51

So happy for you, jojo. You will have many cuddles to come. smile

Libradi Sun 11-Dec-11 17:38:24

I'm so pleased you have met your DGD jo jo having just had the arrival of my own DGD on Friday, I really felt for you. It has certainly made me appreciate how often I get to see her. thanks

silverfoxygran Sun 11-Dec-11 17:52:03

You've made my day jojo - so happy for you!

I have a lovely DIL who included me in everything but I felt I had to stand back if her mother was there. I assumed a girl would want her own mum.

Although I have had a very positive experience as MIL I still found my myself feeling more comfortable and accepted when my daughter gave birth. I suppose it is to be expected - I carried her and saw her carrying another baby. The whole thing was overwhelming when my girl became a mother. smile