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My daughter has disowned us.

(60 Posts)
mugnanny Sun 12-Aug-12 11:27:04

Myself and my husband went to visit our daughter in Australia for a month. After
about 10 days one of my grandchildren then aged 8 told a lie about me which for a while her mother believed, then it came out it was a lie but my daughter verbally abused me until it was impossible to stay with her so we moved into an hotel and changed our flights back to the UK. I have tried to build bridges with e-mails and have sent birthday presents and Christmas presents she has acknowledged receipt of them. It is now three years since we have spoken I now do not know anything about the children as three years is a long time in a child's life. so I feel that this is the last year that I can send anything except cards I don't know whether to inform her that I can no longer send gift as I don't know what to order not knowing their sizes or interests and I refuse to send money as that is a sign of not bothering, the ages of the children now are 10 and 11 years my husband and I are 69 and my husband has not mentioned my daughters name since we left her home. What do I do. It is so painful.

JO4 Sun 12-Aug-12 11:32:51

Write - with pen and paper, not e-mails - and tell her how this is wringing your heart. Tell her you love her so much and that you are so sad about not keeping in touch with the grandkids. Don't refer back to why you fell out. Try to take it from here.

Littlenellie Sun 12-Aug-12 11:37:27

mugnanny this must be extremely painful for you know why your daughter is not speaking to you,or if you don't know why ..have you other children who could mediate....has this all stemmed from the lie that your GC told,or was your relationship fragile before that...forgive me if I am being intrusive,but is there a history here and unresolved issues....are you new to GN,if so welcome to you,I am sorry that you are hurting badly and hope that we can offer you some help and supportflowers

whenim64 Sun 12-Aug-12 11:39:07

Ditto. The past has gone now, and the child should not be made to feel uncomfortable about what happened. Ask if you can make a fresh start because you love them all and miss them. Don't stop sending gifts - they don't have to be clothes or that age-appropriate to be suitable and welcomed. Good luck!

whenim64 Sun 12-Aug-12 11:40:20

Sorry, ditto to JO4's post - nellie jumped in before I pressed my button! smile

greenmossgiel Sun 12-Aug-12 11:42:07

mugnanny, my heart goes out to you and will find so much support coming to you from other gransnetters who've suffered the same despair. My daughter estranged herself from us for 7 years, and although she just lived around the corner, it was as if she lived on the other side of the world. She didn't stop her girls coming to see me, and I think they would have come anyway, because they were 11 and 12 at the time. I still don't really know why she felt as she did, but over the weeks prior to the estrangement, she became cooler towards me, then one day she came to the door, yelled at me that I was 'No mother', slapped me and stormed off. All at the front door. It took 7 years of trying to get her back in my life, and during this time, I had to give up for a while, as I knew I was making things worse. Eventually, once she'd had her own grandchild, things softened, and now I visit her. It's still quite fragile and I'm very, very careful not to push myself onto her. I still sent cards to her during this time, though I don't know what happened to them. I can't advise you what to do, but even by sending cards to her and the children with vouchers or something in them will keep you in touch just that wee bit? Be kind to yourself, too. flowers xx

mugnanny Sun 12-Aug-12 12:04:06

I do have another Daughter at home a single mum I look after her child for her whilst she works. She is in touch with her sister all the time but is afraid of mentioning us because she does not want to lose touch with her. The biggest problem is with the eldest child who has been spoilt beyond belief and has control over the family the younger one has to give way to her because of her temper tantrums when the elder want her own way. The older child told the younger one that I had said she was nasty and when my daughter realised that it had been a lie is when she became abusive I think it was a loss of face on her behalf and also that she had to admit the elder child had lied. I mistakenly said she acknowledged receipt of gift and cards but she does not.

JO4 Sun 12-Aug-12 12:53:36

Forget it all now!

Just write her a loving and kind letter.

Unless you want to prolong it. hmm

GoldenGran Sun 12-Aug-12 12:54:39

How awful for you mugnanny, how strange that your daughter would believe the child above you, and how hurtful. JO4 is right, write to her, you have nothing to lose and plenty to gain, I am thinking of you, good luck. sunshine

POGS Sun 12-Aug-12 13:16:04


I couldn't agree more than write a personal letter, not e.mail.

Am I being rude to ask but has this always been the situation, or did it start when your younger daughter started a family, meaning could she be jealous of your closeness. She obviously chose to go to Australia but it is easy to forge it can, dependant upon the person, make them feel a little bit vulnerable. I know that would be a very poor excuse that's why I am hesitant to ask.

All the best, fingers crossed for you.

soop Sun 12-Aug-12 13:21:31

mugnanny I agree with Jing...A handwritten letter that conveys your unconditional love, is something that I would do. I wish you a happy outcome. sunshine

dorsetpennt Sun 12-Aug-12 14:19:03

It does seem to be extreme behaviour on your daughter's part - which leads me to think that there is either a prior occurence and this incident was was the 'straw and camels back' or perhaps your feelings on the child in question was obvious. You say the child was spoilt beyond belief, had you made your feelings about her known, or perhaps you weren't as affectionate towards her as you were to the other one. It's a shame you moved to a hotel isn't it? no matter how bad things were, moving as you did would have caused your daughter some embarrassment.
I think the handwritten letter a good idea. Keep in touch , send presents, in time your daughter may come around, your g/children at least will know you tried. At least your other daughter is around and I think she needs to contact her sister for your sake. She really should start acting as a go-between before any more times elapses. You haven't mentioned if your daughter has a husband or partner - if so there is another person that you could appeal to. Having your G/children so far away is bad enough but not to be in any form of contact is horrible, I do hope it resolves itself. Do keep in touch I'm sure we G/netters would like to know the outcome.

greenmossgiel Sun 12-Aug-12 14:30:11

When my daughter estranged herself, it was really difficult for her elder sister and brother, because, like mugnanny's younger daughter, they were afraid that their sister would fall out with them too. I asked them if they could act as go-between, but they both refused, and I found this really surprising and quite upsetting at the time, because they knew how despairing I was! When I asked them if she ever spoke of me, they said that she didn't - I felt as if she'd wiped me out of her life! So I do understand the difficulties that this causes, mugnanny. Keep trying. Write your letter, tell her how you love and miss her. If it's any help at all, I'd suggest that you don't speak of the problem? Let it go.

mugnanny Sun 12-Aug-12 15:34:14

To everyone who has answered my message.
I do not know what happened we were going out for the day and I heard one of the girls crying I went into the room and asked what was the matter and was informed "you know" when I said I did not know then my daughter questioned the child who was crying who said that her sister said that I had said she was nasty.This was then found out to be untrue as my daughter told her eldest to tell the truth, as she was known to lie. She admitted she had lied and with that my daughter turned on me like banshee I could not say anything because I was in shock because of what was said we could not stay.I used my computer to find an Hotel and we packed and left the house to find the railway station. We did not know where we were and had to walk with our suitcases till we found the station. She has not spoken since.
I think maybe she is sorry she moved so far away, Her husband said that it is they way we brought her up, to be stubborn and independent there's nothing to be said to that.

grannyactivist Sun 12-Aug-12 15:36:19

In my (similar) situation I cannot conceive of NOT continuing to write and send gifts. Regardless of anything else I am, and will always be, mother and granny. So, unless I'm asked not to I shall carry on sending cards and gifts for birthdays, Easter, Christmas etc. It sends a message that my door is always open and I'm not going to give up on my role. I don't address past issues, just keep on sending my best wishes and hope that, like happened to Greenmoss one day there will be a breakthrough. Be encouraged (as I am) by Green and her 'happy ending' when things feel tough - and keep the door open by continuing to communicate.

soop Sun 12-Aug-12 16:51:32

grannyactivist ((hugs)) flowers Well done you. smile

petallus Sun 12-Aug-12 18:00:00

Mugnanny what an awful situation for you. I agree with other posters that you should keep in touch; writing by snail mail would be good.

I'm not sure your other daughter would help matters by getting involved. It could work if she contacts her sister but it could backfire and make things worse.

I am surprised that your husband has not mentioned your daughter's name for so long. Surely this isn't helpful to you or to the situation?

Finally, I may have got the wrong idea but it does seem that you are not too keen on the granddaughter who lied and who you say is the 'biggest problem' I think you might have to try and let that one go if you want to make your peace with your daughter.

Nanban Mon 13-Aug-12 08:31:36

Hello again Mugananny - I've just found your story! I completely agree with all the good advice about writing and starting afresh. You might try and make direct contact with your grandchildren now that they are a little older - my two grandchildren are still babies, but I've set up a Facebook page aimed only at them in the hopes that one day they'll find us and want to know us. I write most days so that they can see how much they are in our lives.

Good luck with it all.

greenmossgiel Mon 13-Aug-12 13:12:40

grannyactivist, bless you. flowers xx

Mishap Mon 13-Aug-12 13:35:25

It surely has to be the right thing to just keep that door open - to go on sending gifts and messages that say "Here I am; I still love you." But it is hard to imagine how difficult this must be for you all and I can only send good wishes and hope that the situations resolve themselves with time.

AlisonMA Mon 13-Aug-12 18:41:35

I agree that a handwritten letter is s good idea and that it should not refer to the past, no matter how tempting that might be. Just a newsy letter about what is going on in your lives and wherever she used to live and anying about her old friends you may know about. I think it should sound just as it would if nothing had happened. Letters to the grandchildren would be good too and should just be neutral in content. Please don't overdo the 'I love you all so much' bit as that might annoy or sound needy.

I can understand why the other daughter might not want to be involved and think they both probably don't want to speak about you as it would be difficult for them.

Our DiL seems to have difficulties with us and has misinterpreted (probably deliberately) all sorts of things without any foundation but we do not retaliate and do our best to 'kill her with kindness'. We think it is starting to work after quite some time and there is a plan for them to come here for a family gathering on 1st September which we hope will happen but won't believe until it does. Recriminations will only prolong the situation so please try to resist.

I wish you the best of luck and do hope that it will all get better.

Annobel Mon 13-Aug-12 19:31:18

It is good that your other daughter has kept the door open to her sister, but it would be wrong to muddy the waters by trying to use her as a go-between and might well create a rift between the two of them. The difficulty with the child who lied about you is unlikely to heal unless you and your OH let it go. The mother knows that the child was in the wrong but has taken it as a criticism of her upbringing of her family that she was caught out. Walking on eggshells is what it is all about. So please, if or when you write, don't refer to the past or keep referring to how much you love them all. Write as if you'd been doing it every week and just keep on doing it until something cracks. Hopefully not you.

maxgran Wed 22-Aug-12 16:13:30

I just cannot understand why your daughter would turn on you when it was her daughter who lied !
It sounds like your relationship must have been fragile to begin with ?

If that had happened to me I would have stood up to my daughter and I s'pose there would have been one almighty row but I would rather that than back off and leave things as you have,

Greenmossgiel,.. Your daughter slapped you ???!! and you pussyfoot around her ?? I love my daughter dearly but I would not need anyone's love enough to put up with that.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I really have a problem understanding mothers who allow their offspring to be so disrespectful.

peaches41 Mon 27-Aug-12 20:06:44

maxgran - I so agree with you - mugnanny - you did nothing wrong, your daughter is the one at fault, as soon as she found out about the lie she should have apologised to you and punished the liar. Why should YOU have to write an conciliatory message to her, it should be the other way around. Sorry to sound hard, but she's the one in the wrong, not you.

Greatnan Mon 27-Aug-12 20:58:26

Maxgran - perhaps you have never faced losing contact with your grandchildren?
It is not 'needy' to want to see people you love very much.