My daughter has disowned us.

PS not acknowledging your sisters illness is a bit too far and sorry to say but a bit monstrous--how they can hurt us so when we have done so much for them?????

All that I did to my Mum bounced back to me so karma comes to everyone

Why does she not speak to you, sorry I am new.

I had it too a little while ago but just did not give up, I emailed regularly, apologised, bit my tongue so many times that I thought it was going to fall out, took the blame, I did what ever it took because it is too important to let go.

But that's just me, everyone deals with things differently.

I sent Money for the Girls on their birthdays and for Christmas and sent gifts for my daughter and her husband. But they did not thank us or say they had received them nor did we receive birthday cards. She did send some gifts for Christmas for which we thanked them profusely.
My younger sister has terminal cancer and is in the final stage I e-mailed my daughter in Australia but she has not replied. When her sister spoke to her on skype she refused to speak of it and did not mention us at all which had my younger daughter in tears. We are all lost.
My and I are now 71 and I do not think there is any hope of her ever getting in touch now. My grandaughters do not communicate to us in any way.
Any final Ideas.

I agree with the other posters.
I'd love to know how things are going and whether the daughter has thawed over time. As you say, life is too short for this pain. I'd have written, without blame but saying how painful this all is and how much you love her, and how can you both put this behind you for the sake of everyone concerned?
If this was happening to me, I know my heart would feel torn apart. It's important to get your relationship mended rather than prove who was right or wrong. I really hope things have improved!

A wise and eminently sensible post Jeanie !
I hope something good comes between this mother & daughter
Life is too short , this is Not a rehearsal !

My heart goes out to you for the dreadful way your daughter is treating you.

It's hard to believe that any daughter could behave and treat her mother in such a way because she doesn't want to loose face.

Your daughter should have dealt with the child immediately and made her apologize to you for the lie not in some way blame you.
You are not at fault and should never think you have done anything wrong.

I would keep up communication with the family including correspondence with the children.
It's not lazy but sensible when children are older, sending money, why buy something that is put in a drawer and never used.
If you send money and ask the children what they have bought this will keep your relationship with them going and say you look forward to receiving their letters and to send photographs for you and you can send photographs to them by attaching to an e-mail.

I would send your daughter a short letter iasking her what ever is the issue now all these years later and tell her you are so upset and would like to become a family again for all your sakes and would she contact you.
Don't cover the topic which caused the problem as I guess she is most embarrassed about her behaviour now and can't think of a way out.

Leave it at that and see what happens if nothing does and you receive no reply then I think you have to let things lie but keep writing to the children.

Unfortunately you cannot change or control another human being.

If your daughter does get in touch your next step could be to try and Skype each other, perhaps the children could get involved in this.

Best of luck

It all sounds a bit strange to me, It is hard sometimes having people staying in your house and I think your big mistake was to move out and go off in a huff. You didn't allow any space for getting over the rumpus.

You should not expect your other daughter t get involved.

Keep contact, never stop. You can't just 'refuse' to send money because it show lack of thought, quite the reverse it show a lot of thought in that you understand they are growing and you don't know their tastes. I see my dgcs very often daily or weekly and still ask what to get for gifts.

I think I would make every effort to stay in touch, don't bring up the past again its gone.

Can you ring her and say you felt like seeing how she was?

got this round the wrong way! Ignore.

Oh yes.

here it is

Did you try any of the advice offered then mugnanny?

I agree with Greatnan. The person described as 'the liar' is a child. Because she's a child, surely understanding should be shown to her to find out why she told her 'untruth', if this was the case? This can probably only be done by her parents.

Maxgran - perhaps you have never faced losing contact with your grandchildren?
It is not 'needy' to want to see people you love very much.

maxgran - I so agree with you - mugnanny - you did nothing wrong, your daughter is the one at fault, as soon as she found out about the lie she should have apologised to you and punished the liar. Why should YOU have to write an conciliatory message to her, it should be the other way around. Sorry to sound hard, but she's the one in the wrong, not you.

I just cannot understand why your daughter would turn on you when it was her daughter who lied !
It sounds like your relationship must have been fragile to begin with ?

If that had happened to me I would have stood up to my daughter and I s'pose there would have been one almighty row but I would rather that than back off and leave things as you have,

Greenmossgiel,.. Your daughter slapped you ???!! and you pussyfoot around her ?? I love my daughter dearly but I would not need anyone's love enough to put up with that.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I really have a problem understanding mothers who allow their offspring to be so disrespectful.

It is good that your other daughter has kept the door open to her sister, but it would be wrong to muddy the waters by trying to use her as a go-between and might well create a rift between the two of them. The difficulty with the child who lied about you is unlikely to heal unless you and your OH let it go. The mother knows that the child was in the wrong but has taken it as a criticism of her upbringing of her family that she was caught out. Walking on eggshells is what it is all about. So please, if or when you write, don't refer to the past or keep referring to how much you love them all. Write as if you'd been doing it every week and just keep on doing it until something cracks. Hopefully not you.

I agree that a handwritten letter is s good idea and that it should not refer to the past, no matter how tempting that might be. Just a newsy letter about what is going on in your lives and wherever she used to live and anying about her old friends you may know about. I think it should sound just as it would if nothing had happened. Letters to the grandchildren would be good too and should just be neutral in content. Please don't overdo the 'I love you all so much' bit as that might annoy or sound needy.

I can understand why the other daughter might not want to be involved and think they both probably don't want to speak about you as it would be difficult for them.

Our DiL seems to have difficulties with us and has misinterpreted (probably deliberately) all sorts of things without any foundation but we do not retaliate and do our best to 'kill her with kindness'. We think it is starting to work after quite some time and there is a plan for them to come here for a family gathering on 1st September which we hope will happen but won't believe until it does. Recriminations will only prolong the situation so please try to resist.

I wish you the best of luck and do hope that it will all get better.

It surely has to be the right thing to just keep that door open - to go on sending gifts and messages that say "Here I am; I still love you." But it is hard to imagine how difficult this must be for you all and I can only send good wishes and hope that the situations resolve themselves with time.

grannyactivist, bless you. xx

Hello again Mugananny - I've just found your story! I completely agree with all the good advice about writing and starting afresh. You might try and make direct contact with your grandchildren now that they are a little older - my two grandchildren are still babies, but I've set up a Facebook page aimed only at them in the hopes that one day they'll find us and want to know us. I write most days so that they can see how much they are in our lives.

Good luck with it all.

Mugnanny what an awful situation for you. I agree with other posters that you should keep in touch; writing by snail mail would be good.

I'm not sure your other daughter would help matters by getting involved. It could work if she contacts her sister but it could backfire and make things worse.

I am surprised that your husband has not mentioned your daughter's name for so long. Surely this isn't helpful to you or to the situation?

Finally, I may have got the wrong idea but it does seem that you are not too keen on the granddaughter who lied and who you say is the 'biggest problem' I think you might have to try and let that one go if you want to make your peace with your daughter.

grannyactivist ((hugs)) Well done you.

In my (similar) situation I cannot conceive of NOT continuing to write and send gifts. Regardless of anything else I am, and will always be, mother and granny. So, unless I'm asked not to I shall carry on sending cards and gifts for birthdays, Easter, Christmas etc. It sends a message that my door is always open and I'm not going to give up on my role. I don't address past issues, just keep on sending my best wishes and hope that, like happened to Greenmoss one day there will be a breakthrough. Be encouraged (as I am) by Green and her 'happy ending' when things feel tough - and keep the door open by continuing to communicate.

To everyone who has answered my message.
I do not know what happened we were going out for the day and I heard one of the girls crying I went into the room and asked what was the matter and was informed "you know" when I said I did not know then my daughter questioned the child who was crying who said that her sister said that I had said she was nasty.This was then found out to be untrue as my daughter told her eldest to tell the truth, as she was known to lie. She admitted she had lied and with that my daughter turned on me like banshee I could not say anything because I was in shock because of what was said we could not stay.I used my computer to find an Hotel and we packed and left the house to find the railway station. We did not know where we were and had to walk with our suitcases till we found the station. She has not spoken since.
I think maybe she is sorry she moved so far away, Her husband said that it is they way we brought her up, to be stubborn and independent there's nothing to be said to that.

When my daughter estranged herself, it was really difficult for her elder sister and brother, because, like mugnanny's younger daughter, they were afraid that their sister would fall out with them too. I asked them if they could act as go-between, but they both refused, and I found this really surprising and quite upsetting at the time, because they knew how despairing I was! When I asked them if she ever spoke of me, they said that she didn't - I felt as if she'd wiped me out of her life! So I do understand the difficulties that this causes, mugnanny. Keep trying. Write your letter, tell her how you love and miss her. If it's any help at all, I'd suggest that you don't speak of the problem? Let it go.

It does seem to be extreme behaviour on your daughter's part - which leads me to think that there is either a prior occurence and this incident was was the 'straw and camels back' or perhaps your feelings on the child in question was obvious. You say the child was spoilt beyond belief, had you made your feelings about her known, or perhaps you weren't as affectionate towards her as you were to the other one. It's a shame you moved to a hotel isn't it? no matter how bad things were, moving as you did would have caused your daughter some embarrassment.
I think the handwritten letter a good idea. Keep in touch , send presents, in time your daughter may come around, your g/children at least will know you tried. At least your other daughter is around and I think she needs to contact her sister for your sake. She really should start acting as a go-between before any more times elapses. You haven't mentioned if your daughter has a husband or partner - if so there is another person that you could appeal to. Having your G/children so far away is bad enough but not to be in any form of contact is horrible, I do hope it resolves itself. Do keep in touch I'm sure we G/netters would like to know the outcome.

mugnanny I agree with Jing...A handwritten letter that conveys your unconditional love, is something that I would do. I wish you a happy outcome.