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We now have a date

(29 Posts)
glammanana Sun 13-Jan-13 16:03:22

After the lovely news I told you all about in December about DS2 and his girlfriend and the up and coming wedding we now have a date 20th September so all booked and all systems go,one small niggle lovely girlfriend (and she is lovely)is only wanting two bridesmaids her friend and cousin and my DGD is heartbroken and my DD spitting feathers as DGD has not been asked, I am finding it hard to keep my own counsell on this as it is their choice but can understand that DGD is upset her favourite uncle has not asked her to be bridesmaid,DD has said she would pay costs of any extras for dress etc,where do I go from here ?

shysal Sun 13-Jan-13 16:16:43

I am afraid it has to be the bride's choice. In some families the bridesmaids always and only come from the bride's side , so do not take it as a slight. Perhaps DGD can choose herself a pretty outfit and you could tell her she will be the best dressed guest.

Have a great day when it comes, and please don't let this situation spoil your pleasure, disagreements can escalate when tension is high, it is not worth it! sunshine

nightowl Sun 13-Jan-13 16:34:23

Oh glamma it's so difficult isn't it? DD is planning her wedding for 2014 and already I am biting my tongue about some aspects of the arrangements. Especially hard when your DGD is upset. I agree that it has to be the bride's choice, perhaps she doesn't want little bridesmaids or perhaps (as in my DD's case) there are so many little girls amongst family and friends that she doesn't feel she can choose just one or two. I'm not sure whether it would be wise to bring this up, only you know the people involved and how you think they might react. And emotions are always running high when weddings are being planned! Xx for you and your DGD

janeainsworth Sun 13-Jan-13 16:44:14

Oh dear Glamma difficult for you, caught in the middle.
Agree withShysal it's the bride's choice, I think all you can do is try to make your DD see this and that she will feel much better herself if she can just rise above it all and manage to smile sweetly, rather than harbouring resentment.
Not sure how old your DGD is but hopefully she could be mollified with a lovely new outfit of her own choosing.
What about readings? could your DD be asked to do that?

glammanana Sun 13-Jan-13 16:52:54

nightowl thanks for the xxs and advice DGD is 10 so she is not a baby and she knows how to behave at services as she serves on Sunday at Church on the Altar,I know it's the Brides choice and will understand,I think I am feeling this more as we where living abroad when DD got married and I was not hands on to go and do all the picking and choosing with her but am feeling for DD as she had her brother living with her for 4yrs and the children are very close to him so I can understand why DD thought maybe DGD might be asked.I will stand back and let thing go with the flow don't want any bad feeling with anything and this girl is so good for him,I may just take DGD for that special dress myself when I go to choose my "Cilla Black" type 'at.

Granny23 Sun 13-Jan-13 16:59:49

It depends how old your DGD is but a similar dilemma was solved at my friends son's wedding by (with the bride's permission) buying the little girl a fab party frock and having her present a lucky horeshoe and heather to the bride after the ceremony when the photos were being taken. Result! Wee girl felt she was part of the celebration and appeared in the album, bride had her chosen adult bridesmaid to support her without having to worry about supervising a child attendant.

glammanana Sun 13-Jan-13 17:05:23

Granny23 what a really good idea thanks so much I amy leave this for a while and see how things go but such a good way of having her involved a wee bit.

glammanana Sun 13-Jan-13 17:06:19

^^should say I am leaving this for a while,(gremlins)

Nonu Sun 13-Jan-13 17:11:20

Glamma , "the joys of weddings " . Don"t fret , will sort itself out .

nanaej Sun 13-Jan-13 18:14:23

I think I probably upset my husband's 4 nieces years ago when we got married. They were all aged between 6 and 10 years old and I really was not looking for an entourage and would have had to ask all of them! I just chose a close friend to be a bridesmaid..she was the best man's girlfriend.

Your future DiL may have friends with little girls and said she is only having adult attendants to avoid leaving anyone out..tricky time for all!

Have a lovely day when it gets here!

Mishap Sun 13-Jan-13 19:48:14

DD3 asked her 2 sisters and 2 friends to be bridesmaids; and dear little 5 year old niece (DD1's child) was not asked. DD1 did not take offence; she just put her daughter in a very pretty dress and we all made a point of saying how pretty she looked and taking pics of her.

I was surprised she was not asked, but kept lip buttoned. The event went of brilliantly and npo family rifts - least said soonest mended I htink.

mrshat Sun 13-Jan-13 20:05:35

O dear Glamma best keep lips tightly buttoned. DD1 was VERY upset when DD2 married and did not include DGD (DD1's child) in the wedding party. Very difficult as DD1 was bridesmaid! It led to a very difficult year but it is the bride's decision (which was pointed out to DD1 on many occasions and she was a rather difficult bride when it was her turn!!). In the end, it sorted itself out, but my advice would be to just listen to your DD and DS and encourage them to remember it is the bride's day and being invited is a privilege. Have a lovely day in September smile

harrigran Sun 13-Jan-13 22:39:32

When I got married I only wanted two grown-up bridesmaids but my mother said she would not allow me to marry if I did not include my 10 year old sister. I went to meet my mother and sister to look at material for the dresses but when I got there they had already bought mine and the bridesmaid dress material. To say I was annoyed was an understatement. I did include my younger sister but I waited until I was 21 so that I didn't need my parents permission to marry.
I never mentioned the incident again but as you see in more than 45 ears I have not forgotten.
Least said soonest mended glamma

Bags Mon 14-Jan-13 08:51:46

Looks as if there's something to be said for a simple wedding with the minimum possible number of 'traditions' and (other people's) 'expectations' adhered to. Good luck with keeping everyone cheerful, glam (I'm sure you will smile) and I hope all goes well. flowers

glammanana Mon 14-Jan-13 09:44:19

Thanks to everyone for reply's I do think I will retreat from the ongoing arrangements and keep my thought's to myself and just concentrate on the day in question and ofcourse the outfit.Thanks xx glamma

Grannyeggs Mon 14-Jan-13 09:54:34

Good idea Glamma say and do nothing, it will only come back to haunt you later. These" little" family tiffs can run and run if you let them. Enjoy choosing your outfit and relaxsmile

ginny Mon 14-Jan-13 12:12:19

I agree with those who have advised staying out of the argument. it is the brides choice and the main function of the bridesmaids is to support and help the bride. Yes, make sure your DGD has apretty outfit and make a fuss of her, she can still enjoy allmthe other aspects of the wedding. Personally, I never understand people having bridesmaids under the age of about 12 , especially tiny ones who are just there to look cute. Hope all goes well and you all have a lovely day.

ginny Mon 14-Jan-13 12:13:10

Sorry, excuse the typo's !

jeni Mon 14-Jan-13 13:21:06

I upset my aunts by not having their DDs, I wanted adults. It was their own fault for keep on telling me about my behaviour at their weddings!

glammanana Mon 14-Jan-13 15:36:51

jenilol grin

annodomini Mon 14-Jan-13 16:39:41

I was able to organise my own wedding 4000 miles away from my mother and without any bridesmaids at all. Weddings should be joyful and not occasions for family dissent. If the bride has to bend over backwards to avoid giving offence, it's not going to be much fun for her. And it is, above all, her big day.

MollyMurphy Mon 14-Jan-13 23:03:17

Don't bring it up IMO. Its really the brides choice and she shouldn't feel pressured into choosing any particular person. I don't really understand why your DD is upset - she is an adult and should know this. Absolutly not worth having drama over. I agree with the poster above who said its not a slight against anyone - most brides I know choose bridesmaids from friends and close family on their side.

Bags Tue 15-Jan-13 05:51:59

I think that when I got married (both times), it was the 'big day', to use the phrase that seems to be in vogue, of both me and the person I married, not mine alone. Not that it was such a big deal anyway; in both cases we were just tying the knot so to speak in a conventional sort of way with minimal fuss and bother and expense. No best man, no bridesmaids, just a few pals to wish us well and, the second time, my daughters.

Nothing personal, but saying it's the bride's big day is rather sexist, I think. Specially nowadays when most brides aren't virgins.

(hey, expense is an exception to the 'rule' that applies to similar words: e.g. licence/license)

HildaW Tue 15-Jan-13 10:14:33

Oh do stay out of this one. Its the Bride and Groom's choice.
We had a family wedding this year and no bride's maids (just bride's sister as a sort of 'matron/attendent' but as there were quite a few young children attending the bride and groom organised large 'goody bags' for each of the children. When we came to sit down for the meal at each of thier places was a beautifully wrapped and appropriate gift. It ensure each child felt special and had something to play with during the meal. I do hope it is a lovely day for you all.

FlicketyB Tue 15-Jan-13 15:10:00

I wanted a quiet wedding with just a 'best woman', As I have two sisters and I didn't want to have to make a choice between them I chose my best friend and told mys sisters why. As, although I wore white (at my mothers insistence) I didn't wear a wedding dress and my 'best woman' just dressed herself appropriately for a wedding on a cold February day, in a suit that her grandmother would have worn, my sisters were quite happy not to be chosen.