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painful subject!

(52 Posts)
celebgran Wed 30-Jan-13 10:18:58

The friends we had for dinner Sat, old ones of OH and I asked him to write to our daughter before Xmas, due to the length of time he knows OH Worth a try. He agreed and promised to let us see copy. Nothing happened, then i got so fed up with it that got Gra to ring him Sat as did not want to spoil evening discussing it.
Just got abrupt email from him saying him and Gra had agreed no need for us to say and he has told our daughter we not seen letter so does not want to break his word.
Really I don`t count then, very uspet as have been looking for this since before Xmas.
Feel very let down, trust my OH and also feel my feelings have not been considered.

Mey Wed 30-Jan-13 11:50:41

Could you write her a letter celebgran or perhaps her Dad

Mey Wed 30-Jan-13 11:53:12

when I argue with my daughter I always have it out with her somehow or another. clearing the air is brilliant sometimes

janeainsworth Wed 30-Jan-13 12:04:45

Is Gra your OH celeb?
Perhaps your friend felt uncomfortable being asked to intervene in what we know has been a horrendous situation for you?
Perhaps he just didn't like to say 'no', and then regretted being involved?

Ana Wed 30-Jan-13 12:14:12

Has your friend has actually sent the letter to your daughter, but won't show you a copy, is that it, celebgran? Or hasn't he written at all? confused

kittylester Wed 30-Jan-13 12:34:25

That's horrid for you celeb. Maybe they have a point though as the letter is from your friend - perhaps that is the only way he felt comfortable with what he had been asked to do. (((hugs)))

Elegran Wed 30-Jan-13 13:02:29

I think he has a point too. He can write more naturally if he does not have you looking over his shoulder. He could have said that earlier though, and you would not have been waiting to see it. His memory of the conversation may not be exactly the same as yours - sometimes it seems we were at a completely different meeting to the one in someone else's mind.

celebgran Wed 30-Jan-13 13:20:22

thanks for response, I reckon he probably did not want to get involved.

Sorry Mey is complicated, way beyond letters from us she has ignore it all and is 4 years now.

sorry yes Gra is my OH AND we been having massive bust up over this!!
Janeainsworth - I think it is more the fact that it has been stressful waiting to see t he copy of letter which did not happen, then OH cannot understand why I am pissed off with the email today saying I do not need to see it.

Ana he says he has written it now, but cant let us see as has told our DD WE dont know about it.
I now feel like a piggie in the middle and a text from OH Friend not cheered me up saying he knows how hard it is for him meaning I am the problem!!
not very happy about this, offering to meet him for a drink! and SAYING HE WILL NOT SEND THE LETTER NOW!!!!!

merlotgran Wed 30-Jan-13 15:48:27

celebgran Do feel free to scream at me if you don't like what I'm going to suggest (I'm sure I would) but it seems you are banging your head against a brick wall and your relationship with your OH could seriously be at risk. You have suffered a lot of heartache for four years and there is no improvement in the situation. Can you not try to move on? Your daughter knows you are moving heaven and earth to try and establish contact with your grandchild and is not making any attempt to even meet you half way. Might there be a chance that if she thinks you are putting it behind you and getting on with your life without her she might begin to think differently? I realise it won't end the heartbreak but to concentrate on the positives in your life might help the negatives be less painful to bear. It's not as if you haven't tried and you won't be giving up, just trying a different strategy. flowers

annodomini Wed 30-Jan-13 16:05:36

celebgran you are clutching at the most tenuous of straws now. I agree with merlot. I don't think it's you who are the 'piggy in the middle' but the friend you have asked to write to your DD. I wouldn't like to be in such an awkward position as he is. Are you being entirely fair to him or to your OH?

janeainsworth Wed 30-Jan-13 16:33:55

Wise words anno and merlot

Ariadne Wed 30-Jan-13 17:34:04

Very wise words! celebgran it feels as if you are right at the end of your tether - I have read your posts and can see the stress you are suffering. I can't imagine what it must be like, going through all this, but the person who needs looking after is YOU, and your relationship with DH. I do hope you can take a step back and find some peace. flowers

harrigran Wed 30-Jan-13 21:02:49

Celebgran I am sorry you are distressed but I do not think it is right to involve other people in your family problems, you are putting this man in an awkward situation.
Why can you not write to your DD ?

glassortwo Wed 30-Jan-13 21:54:29

celeb I agree with merlot dont put your relationship with DH at risk. flowers there are more than one way to skin a cat.

Mey Thu 31-Jan-13 00:52:13

celeb I can understand that you do not want to give up on your daughter, she will probably never know how lucky she is to have a Mother that loves her so,

Guys hope you dont mind me saying but celeb needs our support right now and not to be told that she should not be involving other people, at the end of the day we would all go to the end of the earth for our children wouldnt we, I appreciate that everyone is trying to help.

celeb do you think that you could give yourself a break from it for your own sake, just give yourself time to re charge your baterries NOT saying give up , never would but you probably need a bit of a break from it and then you can come at it with a fresh approach that could work.

janeainsworth Thu 31-Jan-13 07:43:58

mey sometimes the kindest way to support someone is to help them to see a situation in a slightly different way from how they are perceiving the situation themselves.
I am sure celeb would be the first to agree she has had plenty of support and friendship on the forum.

JessM Thu 31-Jan-13 08:28:48

celeb you have my sympathies. I hope you are not going to lose your friends as a result of this. Pit this guy did not say no in the first place but many people say yes when asked a favour and then wish they had not. I suspect many of us have fallen into that trap.
Have you ever talked to a counsellor or therapist about your feelings?

Maniac Thu 31-Jan-13 12:26:59

celeb I can empathise with your distress.
A friend suggested that I shower my ex DIL with love!! Very hard especially as all communication is blocked.
I found some photos of her and GS in his early years, put them in a frame and lit 3 candles in front of them to remind me to send positive thoughts.
It may not have tangible results but who knows.. the love and light may touch her and helps me as well
Maybe you can think of something similar for yourself.
Take care of yourself and DH.

Mey Thu 31-Jan-13 12:48:36

Hi celeb how ar you today x

Tegan Thu 31-Jan-13 13:18:32

I realised quite quickly when my marriage was falling apart that no one wanted to get involved or take sides in any way, even though it was my husband that had the affair and subsequently left. It was pretty much the same when I had the slight bust up with my daughter. Having since found myself in similar situations where friends have split up I have realised that I just want to stay friends with both parties in an impartial way. The only people that were prepared to mediate were Relate and my counsellor ie professional people. With my marriage, the person who probably helped the most in the long term was my son, who did so by remaining impartial[on the surface] and eventually becoming a bridge between us all that enabled us to communicate and eventually become friends again. But whatever we all say I'm sure that I'm speaking for everyone on gransnet when I say we feel your pain, celebgran and wish we could take it away [and you, Maniac].

Mey Thu 31-Jan-13 13:31:02

your lucky to have such a nice son tegan can I borrow him x

celebgran Thu 31-Jan-13 14:30:00

thank you all, I do agree it is certainly not worth OH AND me falling out over, but I can now see how things like this do not always pull a couple closer.

This chap is a very old friend of my husband 55 years friendship and he genuinely wants to try and help.

I also think he is right having calmed down it may be better as he has done to tell our daughter we know nothing about it.

Moving on will never be an option for me regarding my little grand daughters, but yes I agree our daughter has never even tried to meet us half way, and we certainly are going to scale down our efforts. I would never scream at you Merlotgran is it very patient and kind of you all to try and suport me of which I have been enormously grateful. I totally agree we have to step back as far as we can, e.g. this year no easter cards or cash - but will send card and token gift to Mollie on her 5th birthday. As few of you know I do a blog online to Mollie and I am going to be strong and not write to my daughter at all this year
Of course we cna write to her ourselves harrigran but she totally ignores it and has not responded once I guess we have to realise it is not going to happen. The idea being Richard was going to try tactic of length time he known her Dad and the distress she is causing etc and how much he gives and gets from his grand kids and that we are all losing out. Agree is a very tenuous straw being clutched!!

I feel the only person to get through to her is her brother who is far too disgusted with what she has done to try again.
Thanks ladies very sound advice, I do not think we will lose our friends over it, but is close run thing!! Richard and OH ARE meeting up next Thursday and I have sent him a friendlier email saying having slept on it probably best we dont see letter.
what a lovely idea Maniac about the candles, I bravely put out phot of DD HER grandad just before he died and our little first grand daughter, it is lovely picture, just for long while we could not bear to see photos of our daughter given all she has done.
I know is hard to anyone to think of this happening to them but seriously I doubt many Mum`s could successfully move on, I suspect I am not hard enough.
Thanks to you all for support flowers

celebgran Thu 31-Jan-13 14:34:03

forgot to say thanks to Tegan and Mey such lovely kind posts flowers

is hard even her godmother my oldest friend is reluctant to help, she would not write to her for us at time when police harassment warning prevented us from doing so.

At least with our mp writing to police and a very helpful chief inspector explaining to DD IT was not harassment to contact our grand kids with letters, cards, presents etc. we touch wood hot heard from police for a very long while.

It is our pain and quite right no one else can get involved, but we are extremely grateful for the kindness and support we have been shown and not least by the ladies on here!!!

Tegan Thu 31-Jan-13 14:37:28

You can't move on; that's understandable, but you somehow need to protect yourself from hurting so much. I don't know how you can do that, but you can't carry that much pain for so long. flowers

celebgran Thu 31-Jan-13 14:41:41

agree Tegan, I did ask for cognitive behavhiour counselling to try and channel my thoughts away from this, but was told I AM Not depresed or anxious enough to that - so have to try and carry on, we do have a good life, it will always hurt me, ie seeing mum`s and daughters, but have to try and focus on what I have which is more than a lot of people.